Respect

March 29, 2008

I have learned that if you are in a relationship, you must be treated with respect, which means your partner:

• Is willing to compromise … not

“If I disagreed with him, he would go on and on like a broken record, until he got his way”
Often, when I disagreed with him, he would make me ” talk to the jury” and he was the judge, so I would have to raise my hand to speak and he would say” okay, the women in the black shirt you can speak now” He degraded me constantly”

• Let’s you feel comfortable being yourself … not

“I remember that for dinner I had to arrange to sit at a table away from everyone, or he would not speak to me. He said that I embarrassed him because I talked about personal issues, and that I should talk about current events”

• Is able to admit to being wrong …not

“He said that he was always right”

• Tries to resolve conflict by talking honestly …not

“He would start to say the opposite that I was saying and began to disagree with me to prove a point. He then would “take a poll” with his friends and colleagues to discredit any of my thoughts or point of view.”

• Enables you to feel safe being with him …not

“I remember, one day I was running down the parkway and broke my foot. This was about after 4 months after dating. I was in a lot of pain and he took me to his parents and placed me on the chair outside, where he left me there because he was thinking about whether he should have a shower. I was in agony and wanted pain drugs. He made fun of me for the next 6 years because I broke my ankle. He thought it was funny and it was my inadequacies that caused this to happen . He perceived it as an inconvenience”

• Respect your feelings, your opinions and your friends …not

“When I wanted to go out with my friends, he would say “why don’t you spend time with me?” Then he started to put my friends down”.

• Accepts you saying “no” to things you don’t want to do …not

“I told him that I did not want to go camping, He nagged me until I agreed to go. I went, hated it and fell down. He made fun of me. “‘He had our therapist and myself believe I was frigid. She was making an appointment for me at a sexual councilor. Did I tell you he always made me do things I did not want to do.”

• Accepts you changing your mind …not

“I love the theatre and went for an audition. I was so happy when I got home and told him that I think I got the part. He said that I never stick to the plan and was upset with me that I had auditioned; because that was the night we played soccer. He ignored me during soccer, so I did not like playing. So I apologized for my behavior.”

• Respects your wishes if you end the relationship …not

“If we had a fight and he thought possibly I would break up with him he would start crying uncontrollably saying how much he loved me and how sorry he was. He would then be so afraid to leave me and go to work, so he would call in sick . My parents thought this was strange behaviour for a 30+ year old man.”

Because when someone loves you, you feel valued, respected and free to be yourself. You should not be made to feel intimidated and controlled.

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My Sexual Rights

March 29, 2008

“He would constantly tell me my “job” was to greet him at the door, pull down his pants and give him oral sex upon his arrival home” Mount Cope …. But He Loved Me

• I have the right to feel good
• I have the right to initiate healthy sex
• I have the right to pleasure myself

“He had our therapist and myself believe I was frigid. She was making an appointment for me at a sexual councillor. Did I tell you he always made me do things I did not want to do.” Mount Cope ….. But He loved Me

• I have the right to say NO
• I have the right to be listened to
• I have the right to say “stop” without labels

“He wanted to take nude pictures of me and put them on the internet. He kept telling me “We can make lots of money” I kept saying no . Shortly before we separated he would sneak into the bathroom while I was taking a bath and took pictures. I was concerned he would sell them and put a clause about these pictures in our separation agreement.” Mount Cope…. But He Loved Me

• I have the right to have my sexual boundaries respected
• I have the right to have my sexual needs and preferences respected
• I have the right to honesty in order to make choices

“He always wanted to make a porn movie and would try to talk me into it. He would make me watch porn movies so I would know how to do it. He told me I didn’t know how to do it.” Mount Cope …. But He Loved Me

• I have the right to enjoy sex without fear
• I have the right to enjoy sex without guilt
• I have the right to enjoy sex without shame
• I have the right to safe sex

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Empowerment

March 04, 2008

I signed my divorce papers today. I did not know how I would feel so i decided to take the day off work. When I got to my lawyers office I glanced at the paper and although it stated that I was no longer married to this person, to me it said something totally different. I gave me a sense of empowerment. Although, I paid for my entire divorce, it did not matter to me. I would have paid twice that amount. Why? Because this is what I signed today.

• Enough is enough
• I am free from abuse and neglect
• I have the right to be treated with respect and dignity, and will not settle for less
• I have the right not to be verbally, emotionally and financially abused
• I have the right to live a happy life

Life is better for me now, but it takes a long process to just feeling good about yourself again. For some it takes a long time, for others it may take a shorter time. Everyone is different. Time does heal, but it is up to you to do the work, and advocate for your own overall health. Below are some tips, that I adhered to during the first year of my separation that I found helpful:

• Do not drink, or use prescription or illicit drugs. It only masks the pain, and you could compound your problems, rather than deal with them
• Do not date. Try to learn about yourself, and love yourself again before bringing someone else into your life
• Re-invent yourself. Do things that you like to do and are passionate about them
• Educate yourself on abuse
• Use and access services on abuse
• Use your support systems
• Journal and blog
• Remember, the pain will go away in time.There is a light at the end of the tunnel
• Allow yourself to grieve and feel pain. It will make you stronger

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Live In The Moment

February 08, 2008

Do you recover? I still don’t have the answer. Although, I have changed my life drastically in so many ways, I think that it is something that forever changes you both for the good and the bad. And the memories will be with me for the rest of my life. I am a different person now. I do not rust easily and am always suspicious and cautious. I wonder what people’s agenda’s are. I never thought that way, seven years ago. I still try very hard to see the good in people. Throughout my journey I have met many people that have gone through similar situations. I guess common experiences bring people close together. I have learned to really value my friendships and not to stop my life because I am dating someone. I have also learned that space and time apart is a good thing. I have also realized that I still have some healing to do and time really does help. they say that time heals all wounds, and it really does, but you never forget, and sometimes the wounds start to bleed, but not everyday. Trust is a big issue of mine. Although I truly believe that trust is earned and not given. i wish I could see myself in a year from now, but on the other hand I was told this wonderful phrase that I now hold dear to me, “Live In The Moment”. The days that you are truly happy, embrace them and the days that you are truly sad, learn from them.

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Being in Control

January 07, 2008

It has been several months since my separation and I can honestly say that I am starting to heal. I am fortunate to have the resources to know how to heal. I work in an environment that supports healthy relationships. I find it interesting that he tried to make me feel so incompetent, that I would not be able to function without him. I guess it is part of their plan, to become so dependent on them that you cannot live without them. It is funny though, I do not find living independently in the “real” world difficult. In fact I have accomplished more independently that I have in 7 years. For once in my life, I no longer have negative people in my life minimizing everything I do. But I have to wonder, Why did I stay so long? I know that there were red flags, but why did I not listen to my gut instinct? I guess it was fear of being alone. I always had a boyfriend, and did not know anything different. Since I have been forced to live on my own, it is not that bad. In fact it is a safer environment than when I was with him. i think people distract themselves with “noise” so they cannot face themselves or their fears. I think it is harder to live in reality than a fantasy world. But sometimes, the truth catches up with you, whether you are prepared to deal with it or not. I actually like being on my own, because for once in my life I am in control and no one is controlling me.

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A New Year – A New Beginning

January 01, 2008

Thank goodness it is 2008, and I have made it through 2007. I will always remember 2007, as the year from hell. I am happy that they are having “fun”. I wish that one day, I can put this behind me and not feel angry, hurt or sad. A new year means new beginnings. I can honestly say that starting over is a really hard thing to do, especially when my whole entire world revolved around him. I have learned some valuable lessons throughout my journey. The most important on is to follow your gut instinct and be aware of the red flags. I wish 7 years ago, I had not called him and that I should of broke it off when I was sitting on his mothers chair outside, after I broke my ankle. I stayed too long, that was a huge mistake, but it could have been a lot worse, I could have had children with him. One day I want to recapture my identity, and be a happy person like I was 7 years ago. I sometimes think that I could be that happy person, if I met someone. I think that I would probably feel swept off my feet and living in the honeymoon phase. But I am to vulnerable right now, and would probably ignore the red flags. All relationships can be wonderful at first, but very deceiving at the same time. I think it shows more strength to choose not to date until I have put the past behind me. I think that I would attract the same type of guy. On the other hand, I am also realizing that it is a “couples” society and there seems to be a stigma around being single, like there is something wrong with me. To be honest, I have not been single for 15 years, I think that is the problem. I went from one bad relationship to the next, and each one got worse and worse. I admit that I miss having a partner, and sometimes I think that he has won because he has a partner. Why do I think that? I am an attractive, athletic, and well educated, yet I feel that all the decent men are all gone, and that I am going to stay single the rest of my life. Why do I think like this? Well, some positive things happened this year that I would like to share:

How I Changed In 2007

- He gave me a hard time about going back to school to obtain a Ph.D, so I did

- He told me that it was inappropriate to go dancing with friends, so I do. In fact a few of my friends who have been through difficult times, used to dance at lunch

- He told me that I could not spend money, that going to Tim Horton is something I don’t need. Now I go to Tim Horton’s twice a day

- He said that I like to spend and spend, so I bought myself a condo that no one can take away from me

- He tried to ruin me financially, so I cleaned up the mess with some help and am now debt free

- On the way home from our honeymoon we had to stopp at President’s Choice to open up an account, so I closed it, and do my banking at one financial institution now

- He told me that it was inappropriate to join a theatre company, so I joined two

- He always went where he wanted to go on vacation, so I went to LA and did what I wanted to do

- He tried to isolate me from my friends, so I made new ones

- He stole money from people, so I decided to give some to charity (victims services)

- He told me that I was too righteous, so I have been attending church and trying to figure out what is a good fit for me, as well my mom and I have started this blog

- He did not want me to go to conferences, so I have attended as many as I can

- He would call all the time to check up on me , so I now have an unlisted phone number and I do not freely give it out

- He used to tell me that I did not know the real world.Unfortunately he introduced it to me

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An Order Of Ribs And A Side Of Coward Please!

November 07, 2007

I overheard my parents talking and I guess they ran into my ex @ Ribfest yesterday. My dad went after him and started swearing at him, walking right behind him. The coward ran into the ambulance and called the police. Now I know that he will leave me alone, and that he is out of my life for good. I no longer have to worry about him. He is gone. He should not mess with my family. There is a little bit of justice.

T he police came this morning to speak to my father about his “death threat” toward my ex. So we now have another incident report. The sad part is that when my cat saw the policeman in his uniform, which is very similar to my ex’s she ran terrified under the bed. He did something to those cats. I don’t doubt that now. The police spoke to my parents and when they told him some of the things that he had done, he seemed to understand, having three daughters of his own.

This afternoon I was very angry so I went to a colleagues for lunch.Her house is very calming. At lunch we danced. It felt good except for the love song. Then I went running that evening , and then screamed in the car.

At least I don’t have to cry anymore, or I don’t have to feel pressured to do things I don’t want to. I can sleep in peace and quiet.

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His Pedestal

He would always put her down and make her feel bad about herself. And with his next breath tell her how much he loved her, all the while ensuring his constant reinforcement of what a great husband he was. “Everything I do is for you”, he would say. A great husband indeed. He was such a great husband that there were countless times I could not stand to be in the same room with him. Times that I would make excuses to his mother that I could not attend her family dinner because, I was suffering with an abscess tooth, a flu bug, or a bad cold. I knew these times would have been too much of a challenge for me to sit there pretending everything was fine. It was becoming all too unbearable pretending that his “support”, “guidance”, “put downs” and “crazy making” was an acceptable way to treat my daughter. I was disgusted. My husband was disgusted. I would often wander if his mother was also disgusted with his behavior, or did she believe this was acceptable because it was not her son’s fault? Or was she just turning a blind eye hoping it would all go away?.

He was summoned by his mother to her house eight days into their “trial separation” which he proclaimed would “strengthen their marriage”, but found my daughter waiting for him. Angry at this inconvenience he continued to put full blame on her for the separation and all their marital problems. She was devastated. But before he left his mother’s house that night he told my daughter… ” I treated you like Shit!” “Next time I am going to do things differently”. “I am going to put my girlfriend on a pedestal”

“If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience” George Bernard Shaw

That night his mother unknowingly had interrupted his night with his “next time girlfriend” but knowing that history will repeat itself, I often wander how many times has my ex son-in-law “allowed” his next time girlfriend off that pedestal.

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Basic Needs In Relationships

Basic Needs In Relationships (taken from www.eqi.org)

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like.

• The need for good will from others
• The need for emotional support
• The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance
• The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view
• The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real
• The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive
• The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you
• The need to for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame
• The need to live free from criticism and judgment
• The need to have your work and your interests respected
• The need for encouragement
• The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat
• The need for freedom from angry outbursts and rage
• The need for freedom from labels which devalue you
• The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered
• The need to have your final decisions accepted
• The need for privacy at times

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Insight

August 07-08

I spent all day playing with my niece. First we went to the school yard to play Hop Scotch, then we played two square. I finally also cleaned the trunk of my car. That was the last of his mess. I was glad to get everything out of there. I was nice spending time with my neice. There was actually a moment that I did not think of my situation. My niece told me that the only time my ex played with her was when he played 2 square. I think that is pretty pathetic. she also said that he will do the same thing to his new girlfriend. Kids are pretty insightful. She asked me, if the next time I get married if I am going to have a big wedding. I said no, that if it happens it will be very small. Anyway today was allright.

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Only On Paper

August 05, 2007

This weekend I went out with my friends from work to a restaurant in town. It was nice talking to G because she has gone through a similar situation. It seems that she has found comfort in Aboriginal Spirituality. she also dances and chants. I enjoyed going out but on the other hand was so angry that I was by myself. It always is like someone is missing. I guess that is part of the grieving process. sometimes I think I miss him. Then I question it. Am I missing the dream?

He always uses people, again and again. So she is merely an object. If you loved someone you wouldn’t use them for your own personal gain. He did that to me. That is why he pressured me into taking out the $10,000 loan.. it was for his own personal gain. It has nothing to do with me. He sees woman as mere objects and their purpose is money and sex. That is all! Is still have a hard time believing that was my husband. I wonder who the women were before me. I wish I could erase the last seven years of my life, like I was never married. Actually I was not, only on paper I was.

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Denial

August 04, 2007

I go through a range of emotions each day and I don’t know how I will feel from one day to the next. I went to the Trauma Centre and I am starting EMDR. I went to see my abuse councilor on Thursday and she said that I focus my attention on “her’ because it is easier and safe. She also said that I was suffering from trauma and I am still in denial. How does your brain process all this? To find out that your marriage was a big sham. I don’t know. Sometimes throughout the day I realize how bad my relationship truly was. I went to the beach yesterday after my run and tried to think of the last anniversary with him, and I couldn’t. Before I was married it was all about getting a job, money or my friends. It was all about flirtation. He does not know who I am. It was all about giving me advice and telling me what to do. Then when we were first married and after the honeymoon, I don’t remember any anniversaries. Love and intimacy is getting to know someone and talking to them. It is not sex, money, control, power, deceitfulness and lies. When you first meet someone and they ask you to meet a financial planner ( who is their friend) during the first three months, there is something wrong! First of all, why is he so interested in your finances?All he cared about was my finances. How much I owed on my credit card. Setting me up with his “financial planners” and bank friends. My finances were fine before I met him. I put myself through University with little debt. He had me so screwed up, I am in a financial mess. I wish I did not have a heart and care so much, and be hurt by this. I wish I could be like him and move on so easily. I am left betrayed. funny, I bought an ice-cream yesterday, and for the first time in a long time it was no big deal. I sat by myself, he was never there anyway.

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