But He Loved Me! – My Warning Signs

BUT HE LOVED ME!

Ladies, please if I have learned anything from this experience, is to follow your gut instinct. It is there for a reason. Also, if you see a red flag, do not dismiss it, the outcome may be unbearable. It has been several months since my separation and at the same time a reality check. It is so much easier to live in a fantasy world, and not face the truth, when you find out the truth about all of the lies and deception the pain cuts you like a knife and it does not heal overnight. In fact, I think it will take several years. They go on with their lives because they do not care, and you are left to pick up the pieces. I can see more clearly, each day how bad my relationship really was, and the person he really was. I thought, or I wanted him to be my knight in shining armor so much, that I actually believed he was. I think that hurts the most. I think it is the breakdown of a dream, and the hard reality that this person is not who I thought he was that I am finding out more each day. Today, I found out that the matrimonial house in Mount Cope was updated, because it has been put up for sale. It is funny though, the way that I remember the house was that it had a dirt driveway, with pot holes and flyers scattered the driveway that had not been picked up for days. I remember that I had asked for stone and he said that I was being silly. I also, remember wanting a garden in the front, but he said that it was to expensive, now there is a garden. I also remember half a fence, and he was too cheap to complete it. The only reason that there was a fence is that the neighbor put it up. Now there is a fence, with a garden. The house had new light fixtures and a fireplace in the bedroom. That did not exist before. I also recognized some of my belongings. It looked like the home that I was striving to achieve and wanted. The worst part is that his girlfriends name is below my home, and that potential buyers are to contact her. I saw my dream home that I strived for on the internet with someone else’s name below it. I hope they rot in hell. I think it is time that I tell my story, and hope that someone who is reading this can identify the signs and leaves before it becomes to late

I remember when:

Dating

-When I first met him, he would call me 5 times a day and was very needy and required all of my attention

- I worked at a drug store and he moved across the street from my work

- He talked about finances a lot

- He took an interest in all of my activities. I used to work out at the YMCA, he then joined with me. This did not last. He is truly very lazy and would complain of bad knees. Although this was not an issue at the beginning. He even took a step class with me…

- I went to University, and he started to take a course with me. He had no business being there. In the past, he attended University for 2 years and then dropped out . He seemed to try hard to get acquainted with all of my professors. It took me several years to earn their respect

- He started working  around the corner, and would always be at my house

- If I went out, he would constantly call me and leave messages until I got home

-If we had a fight and he thought possibly I would break up with him he would start crying uncontrollably saying how much he loved me and how sorry he was. He would then be so afraid to leave me and go to work, so he would call in sick . My parents thought this was strange behaviour for a 30 year old man.

- He made me believe that this was “true love”

- I remember, one day I was running down the parkway and broke my foot. This was about after 4 months after dating. I was in a lot of pain and he took me to his parents and placed me on the chair outside, where he left me there because he was thinking about whether he should have a shower. I was in agony and wanted demurral. He made fun of me for the next 6 years because I broke my ankle. He thought it was funny and it was my inadequacies that caused this to happen . He perceived it as an inconvenience

- He told me nothing about his past

-He talked in analogies and tried to guide me through life

- He bit his fingers a lot and would be distracted a lot. I had difficulty having a conversation with him

- He was very interested that I owed money on my credit card, and wanted me to talk to his financial planners. I never really did until after I was married.

- If I disagreed with him, he would go on and on like a broken record, until he got his way

-He said that he was always right

- He always wanted sex

-He took me camping and ignored me and made fun of me for the shoes that I was wearing

- He was also very competitive and would throw a tantrum when he lost a game. I thought this behavior was abnormal

- When I wanted to go out with my friends, he would say “why don’t you spend time with me?” Then he started to put my friends down

- He was always there. He would often just show up and surprise me. I actually thought he was a nice person. He would show up at my Hospice placement and pretend to be kind to my patient. I now know these were check up calls

-He then started to patronize me, and put his hands on my shoulders when he spoke to me and pat me on the head

-He would start to say the opposite that I was saying and began to disagree with me to prove a point

-He then would “take a poll” with his friends and colleagues to discredit any of my thoughts or point of view.

-He always brought me flowers and constantly reminded me how romantic he was. He left me flowers the day after we separated. I later found out that he went to his girlfriends that night. He always sent me cards. Don’t be fooled. He wrote me a poem during separation, about how much he loves me, he was seeing her

- I was trying to better myself and decided to obtain my Masters. He did not support me at all, but in fact gave me a hard time. When my thesis was delayed I was scared to go home to tell him.

- He tried to get me a job as a data entry person. I was over qualified, but he still persisted. He had his friend try to talk me into taking a garbage collection job, just after I completed my Masters’ and was looking for work . He always asked me if I was too good for that?

Honeymoon:

-I got married to him and on our honeymoon it started to get worse-

- I remember that I wanted some money, because he had the money from the wedding. He would not give me any. In fact I did not see any of the money from the stag and doe or wedding

- I remember that for dinner I had to arrange to sit at a table away from everyone, or he would not speak to me. He said that I embarrassed him because I talked about personal issues, and that I should talk about current events

- He started to talk about money on our honeymoon and savings

- On the way home from the honeymoon we had to stop, at a bank and I  had to change everything over to his bank

Marriage:

- Shortly after, when I started working, he convinced me to take out a $10,000 loan and give him the money. He said it was for the wedding. That I owed it to him. It is funny but my parents paid for the whole reception and his parents paid for the rest. I don’t know how he convinced me. Shortly after we separated , my mother confronted him about this. He didn’t deny it. His response to her was ” I had expenses too!”

- When I moved in, I wanted the dream marriage. I wanted a nice home. I remember, I was still in school and we needed curtains, mirrors, table, and slipcovers for a wrecked couch. We went to Ikea and he spent $500.00 on all of the furniture, and constantly reminded me I owed him half.

- He would also remind me regularly that he knew someone that broke up because they were in school, and then were back together once he finished school.

- He reminded me, everyday (when I was in school) that I was not contributing any money

-During my thesis defense he stood up in front of my committee telling everyone how supportive he is of me, how he was so supportive during this process. He would take every opportunity to let the world know what a great husband he was.

- Oh, by the way my mother made our home made kitchen table look acceptable . After separation I found out he was bringing home $2,000 every two weeks, but always reminded me how poor we were

-He always golfed and participated in sports and tournaments. He would tell me that it didn’t cost him anything. I believed him. He would always say that he couldn’t get a membership or do certain things because he didn’t have the money, because of me.

- I started to do the grocery shopping. When I got home he inspected the receipt and gave me advice on how to shop. I guess I did not know how to shop. He insisted I show him all the receipts..

- I wanted to buy a can opener one day, because I needed to open a can of soup for dinner. He told me that I should not buy one that I should borrow it from his mother. He said that I liked to spend, spend. The can opener was $1.00 at the dollar store.

- I decided to buy a mirror for the house. I asked him to hang it up several times and he never did. It was there for months. I finally asked the neighbor next door

- He did nothing around the house. In fact he would not shovel the driveway, but in fact resorted to driving up and down the driveway to flatten the snow. My mom came over and helped me to shovel several times so I could get my car in the driveway.

- I came home one day and the toilet upstairs was overflowing. The carpets were wet and water was pouring out from the ceiling, water was literally filling my light fixtures downstairs. I called him to come home; he said that “ I always pressed the panic button”. I phoned my mom, to come over to help. He arrived as we were frantically trying to clean up the water. He did not care, he sat on the couch and started phoning his friends, to see what everyone was doing . My mother was so mad and disgusted by his lack of interest, she left before she said something to him. He said that I was overreacting. I guess, a flood in our home was not a priority to him.

-From the very beginning of our marriage he showed no interest in our home or me (only for sex). All he cared about was sports or his friends. I was so desperate to save our marriage, I went to his mother for help. She talked to him and tried to make him understand that he needed to change his priorities. That he was married now.

- I came home one day and there were signs posted under the light switches, “turn off the lights” “signed the management”. He was trying to teach me a lesson on how to turn off the lights

- I remember that he would always say the opposite and talk in analogies. Often times I would have enough and would go up stairs. He would follow me and corner me so that I could not move, put his hand on my shoulders and tell me that I misunderstood and that we should have makeup sex

-I would lie in bed crying after it

- I used to say to myself that I should tape record the way he spoke to me. I remember one day I asked him for something and he said that I did not ask him the way which he thought I should and he made me repeat after him

-He created a game and started a business shortly after we were married. I did not know much about this business. When I asked he would not tell me much.

- He would go on business trips a lot

- He had a partner at work; I strongly believed that he crossed the boundaries. We would go to places and she would be there, they even started talking on the phone. She later requested another partner, she no longer wanted to work with him. Something happened. I am sure of it.

- I would have nightmares that he was cheating on me and wake up in a cold sweat, probably because he was.

- He would not want me to get physicals from my doctor, especially PAP tests. He said there was no reason why I should be getting these tests especially from a male doctor.

- I did nothing right

- When we would go out, and he was in the car waiting for me, as soon I would reach for the door handle he would start to move the car away from me. He would then stop the car, and when I would reach for the car door handle again he would start moving the car again. Every time I would try to get in the car he would move it . This went on several times until he decided to let me in. He would do this were people could see and for some reason he thought this was funny

- During the Northeast Blackout in August 2003, he would not let me buy candles. Instead he made me sit in our car in the driveway for several hours waiting for the power to go back on. When he realized that it wasn’t, we had to drive to my parent’s house to get candles. He would not let me buy them.

- I spoke on the phone to my friends he would say that it was inappropriate because he was home. I should be spending time with him

- He would always show up where I was and and insist I be home when he was home, which was seldom

- We moved to Mount Cope. The house was in the middle of nowhere. We actually picked out everything and I changed it slightly. He was not impressed and gave me a hard time

- He was never home. He only came home for sex. He would drive around with a suitcase in his car. I lost contact with most of my friends. He isolated me so much.

- My girlfriend from school called to go dancing and he thought that was inappropriate. She was happily married and had a baby.

- I wanted out, I was unhappy

-Oh by the way, he asked for another$ 10,000. I still don’t know what it was for, he said I owed it to him, he was obsessed about money. According to him I always owed him money

- He woke me up one day and told me that he was the mother hen and I was the baby chick and he had to guide me because I like to spend and I needed guidance.

-Often, when I disagreed with him, he would make me ” talk to the jury” and he was the judge, so I would have to raise my hand to speak and he would say” okay, the women in the black shirt you can speak now” He degraded me constantly

-He said that I should not buy coffee@ the drive through and not spend money on anything. It is funny; I had no boots and after trying to fix my old ones, I had to justify my purchase. Did I mention I was making over $30.00 an hour

- I told him that I did not want to go camping, He nagged me until I agreed to go. I went, hated it and fell down. He made fun of me

-As part of my job I would be required to attend conferences . He would show up unexpectedly wearing a suit. He then insisted on driving me and staying until the conferences were finished

-I had to go to out of town for training once. He told me that I had to come back to my room every night. That it was inappropriate to go out anywhere without him. He would constantly call to check up on me. I even had to have my meals in my room.

-He would constantly tell me what a great husband he was and how romantic he was. But when I didn’t want sex, he would nag me until I gave in. NO meant nothing to him.

-He had our therapist and myself believe I was frigid. She was making an appointment for me at a sexual councilor. Did I tell you he always made me do things I did not want to do.

- We joined a soccer team, and he said that I did not need soccer shoes. He bought a pair for himself and got a deal for my brother and his friends. I was the only player with running shoes .

-My brother found out he had overcharged him to join the soccer league.

- I love the theater and went for an audition. I was happy when I got home and told him that I think I got the part. He said that I never stick to the plan and was upset with me that I had auditioned; because that was the night we play soccer. He ignored me during soccer, so I did not like playing. So I apologized for my behavior.

- He started sleeping over “ his friends house” after soccer. He knew I would not come because I had to work the next day. I now believe that he was either seeing her, or setting her up to be his next victim

-I stopped answering the phone when I was in bed sleeping. All of a sudden I had 5 phones in my house, with one on either side of the bed to make sure I would answer the phone when he called.

- I noticed that I had no money, so I started to do some calculations (bills). I figured out that he was overcharging me 300.00 in the joint account every month. A week before he said that he needed more money

- Shortly before he left, he set me up with his financial planner planner friend who tried to talk me into taking out a $54,000 leverage account. Why did I need this leverage account? What was his plan for me?

- I was so sick one morning, and in so much pain that I needed to go to the hospital , he would not take me and he told me to follow the blue hospital signs. I was not familiar with the area we lived in

- He told me about the time he put ipecac in his yogurt because he had to teach a colleague a lesson because he was eating his food from the fridge . In the last year, I was sick all the time as well as my cats. There were always vials in my house

- He wanted to take nude pictures of me and put them on the internet. He kept telling me “We can make lots of money” I kept saying no .S hortly before we separated he would sneak into the bathroom while I was taking a bath and took pictures. I was concerned and put a clause about these pictures in our separation agreement.

- He always wanted to make a porn movie and would try to talk me into it.

- He would make me watch porn movies so I would know how to do it. He told me I didn’t know how to do it.

-He would constantly tell me my “job” was to greet him at the door, pull down his pants and give him oral sex upon his arrival home

-He set me up to purchase mutual funds through his friend a financial advisor. Two days before we separated he cashed them in and took the cheque. Behind my back, without my knowledge it was put into a spousal account. He stole my mutual funds. When my mother confronted him as to why his name was on these funds. He said , ” that she wanted it that way, I wasn’t even there when she signed the papers” When we confronted his financial advisor friend, his story was that “they both were there to sign the papers.” They were both caught in a lie to cover up.

Separation:

-He told me that he had a lot on his mind and that the grass was greener on the other side

- I asked him to leave and he left very easily and said, “Remember you asked me to leave”

- He said that I don’t know how much he loved me. When he was leaving, I tried to stop him

-He went to see my mother and told her it was my idea

- We agreed to have a trial separation for two weeks, and he said that he was staying at his friends

- I took down the wedding photos

- The next day the wedding photos were up and he left me a card telling me that he is not willing to give up on this marriage, and he left me flowers. He also left me a voice message. It was funny, but he was reading from what was on the card. I now know that he saw his girlfriends that night.

- He took all of my bills and anything financial, without telling me and when I called him at work he said, “You are going to hate me”

- He phoned me from work and was interested in filing my income tax. I then drove to his moms, and I put a dent in his plan. I told her what he had said “the grass was greener”. She called him. When he walked in the door, he told me that we should meet on Saturday as per the plan and that I am not sticking to the plan. He said that he is so frustrated with me and that this separation is all my fault He admitted that he treated me like shit. I know he came from his girlfriends

- I did not go on Saturday. He tried to set me up, instead I saw a lawyer

BUT HE LOVED ME!

THEY PLAN YOUR LIFE WITHOUT YOU KNOWING ONLY TO BENEFIT THEM

AND THEY TELL YOU HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU

THEY SLOWLY TAKE AWAY YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY AND BEGIN TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE THEY ARE ALL YOU HAVE

AND THEY TELL YOU HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU

THEY APPEAR TO BE SUPPORTIVE AND LOVING AND TELL ANYONE WHO LISTENS

AND THEY TELL YOU HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU

THEY LIE, CHEAT AND STEAL FOR AS LONG AS THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT

AND THEY TELL YOU HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU

THEY WILL SLOWLY START TO HUMILIATE, PATRONIZE YOU UNTIL YOU HAVE LITTLE SELF ESTEEM

AND THEY TELL YOU HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU

THEY WILL TRY TO TAKE YOUR MONEY AND YOUR IDENTITY

AND THEY TELL YOU HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU

THEY WILL DO THIS SO SLOWLY OVER TIME THAT YOU WILL NOT KNOW THAT THEY ARE ABUSING YOU

AND THEY TELL YOU HOW HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU

THEN WHEN YOU BEGIN TO FIGURE THINGS OUT OR WHEN YOU ARE NO LONGER NEEDED THEY WILL DISCARD YOU AND YOU HAVE TO PICK UP THE PIECES OR THEY WILL KILL YOU

AND THEY TELL YOU HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU

THEY WILL MOVE ON TO THE NEXT TARGET AND LEAVE A TRAIL OF DESTRUCTION

AND YOUR WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED

ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HE LOVED ME    Next…

PLEASE TAKE A FEW MOMENTS TO PARTICIPATE IN OUR POLL