Separation hurts like hell. It has been 2 months and although I feel like I have taken many steps forward, I find myself reverting back. There is no magic pill when recovering from an emotionally abuse relationship, although I have tried to find a cure.
No one is there criticizing me, I am still hearing my internal critic over and over again, and I am searching for internal peace. I did not realize the negative impact emotional abuse has mentally, and I forever wished that I would have left him 6 months into the marriage. It was so destructive staying in that marriage for as long as I did. If there is any advice that I can give to someone, is to get out, the emotional devastation will only get worse, and it would be harder to redefine yourself the longer you stay.
I struggle everyday. In a sense I still feel like I am in high school, a total loser because I do not have many friends, and he has many. Looking back at my life, I was once an energetic individual full of life, now I am a walking zombie, and I do not know what to do with myself. I constantly read to make sense of the situation, go to counseling, attend support groups and work to keep myself busy. But, nothing takes away the emotional turmoil, not even sleep. In my dreams I am so angry and find myself confronting him and his new girlfriend. I wish someone would just say to me that they have broken up. I would feel so much better.
I also find myself dealing with an incompetent lawyer that has not given me any clear direction. This in itself is very frustrated. Currently, I feel like I am going around in circles, people have told me that over the years it will get better. A year or many years is a long time. One day, I want to wake up and feel inner peace again, and not feel so helpless and depressed. Although I do not have pathology for depression, I certainly have all the symptoms. Food does not taste good anymore, activities are not enjoyable, I have difficulty concentrating at work, and I am continuously crying and feel hurt. I want to wake up again and feel the sunshine again and to be able to laugh and have fun. I think he is laughing and having fun. I cannot get that image out of my mind.
I still think I am in shock by the whole experience. I found out to much information at once, and I am still suffering from that day. I think to myself, is it better not to know what actually happened during my marriage, some days I wish I did not know. The day that everything was revealed to me I found out that he had a girlfriend, stole my money, at one point he wanted to spy on me (GPS, and spy cameras) and loved pornography. He also had a double life in many regards. I am still so very angry.
On top of that my friend is getting married and I am her maid of honor. It is so difficulty to put your situation aside and just be happy for her. It is like putting salt on a wound.
I no longer feel good about myself, and have reached out for support. Although, I have learned very quickly be careful who you reach out to. Since, this is a difficult time in my life; it is not a good idea to make new friends. People who have not gone through a similar experience do not understand. I also think that I am attracting the same type of personalities that I am trying to run away from. This includes both men and women. I may also appear to be needy, and for that reason alone I should only confide in my good friends.
I am needy because my old familiar life has been taken away from me. I do not know what to do with myself anymore. Even though my ex-husband was never around I was still preoccupied at the house or supported his sports (baseball). Now, I feel like I have nowhere to go, and have essentially been replaced by someone else. Although, I wanted out of the marriage for so long, I lost myself in so many ways. I have lost my self-respect, independence, self-awareness, and self-indulgence. I no longer feel good about myself and have low self-esteem. I found it easier being in the marriage then I do now. At least, I had someone, now I have no one.
I look back at the marriage several times a day, and today I remembered the time I was having dinner with my friend and her new family and my ex-husband wanted me home when he got home. I remember that I stayed a little longer, and he was not happy with my decision. I also remembered that everywhere I went he would show up either in his ambulance or car. It was on a constant basis. When I was in the marriage I never knew that he was checking up on me, I thought that it was a symbol of love, now I know different. Sometimes, I still think that he will just “show up”, but no one comes. Although, intellectually I know that is a good thing, but in my heart says something different.
I wake up some days, and I still think that I am in Mount Cope, and quickly realize that I am no longer married. When I lived in Mount Cope, I wanted a different life. I felt that I was in prison. I used to wake up and think, “Oh God another day”, I remember feeling so alone and isolated. The feeling of loneliness is different. In retrospect, I prefer the other, but I do know that it will get better in time, whereas my marriage would have gotten worse. It would be so much easier to date now and let someone into my life to serve as a complete distraction and a gateway into a new life. But realistically speaking, someone who gets involved with someone who has been recently separated is the same type of parasite as my ex-husband. Similarly, a woman who gets involved with a man who has been recently separated is emotionally unstable and does not have a strong sense of self and who primitively idealistic.
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