Losing Control

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July 11, 2007

I feel like screaming inside, today was a very difficult day. Last night I found myself at Interval House (women’s shelter) at 10:00 concerned about my safety. My ex-husband had changed the locks, and provided me with a key. He also left a note stating that he would move in if I do not pay the bills. I have been paying all the bills, except for the mortgage and house insurance which he will receive at the end of this week. I also found out that he took the modem, so my phone and internet do not work. Before yesterday, I felt that I was exerting some control over the situation and my life and was trying so hard to move on, and now I feel that there is another road block and he has control over the situation. I no longer feel safe in that house.

I am also finding it difficult living with parents because I feel like I am losing my independence. I have been on my own for 7 years, so I am finding the transition difficult. Sometimes I do not know what to do. I decided to remove my cats from the house today because I did not think that they were safe. The house is very empty, all that is left is the furniture and my clothes. It is so hard watching your world strip away before your eyes, and there is nothing that you can do. I am not saying that I want to go back to that life, but I would like to gain some control over my life.

I am also frustrated with my lawyer. I spoke to him a month ago to send out the letter of negotiation,and he still has not done that. I also have a lot of questions that have not been answered. Again, I feel that my hands are tied, and my life is being dictated by others. I called him numerous times and he still has not responded to me. I feel that this process is extremely slow, and I am ultimately the one affected. I feel that I keep trying and that I am running in circles, and really going nowhere. I no longer want anyone telling me what to do. I want to live by my own rules. I am praying that life will get better.I also had to see my family doctor, to get a pap smear to determine if I had an STD, since my ex-husband was unfaithful. That was very difficult. How dare my ex-husband put me in that position? If I have an STD I will kill him. I am still waiting for life to get better. I am still so angry and hurt that I am starting to wonder if I will ever be normal again. My stomach constantly hurts and I am having difficulty eating. I keep reminding myself that this is a small blurb in my life, if I live to be 80. I have to decide where I am going to live next week. I own 2 houses, yet I have no where to go. If I stay in the house, I do not feel safe and feel that he still has control over my life. I always felt like evil lived in that house. I thought about staying at my parents and the Travel Lodge one day during the week. My parents had a wonderful idea that I am hoping will materialize. They had suggested to buy a condo near the Lake and for me to rent it from them. I would be so much happier than I am now. I do not even care what it even looks like, at this point I just want my freedom and independence. I can fix it up later, when I gain back control over my life. Why does this have to happen to me. It is not like I murdered anyone? I just tried to hard in an abusive marriage that ultimately resulted in my downfall. I keep praying….

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Reality

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July 10, 2007

Today I woke up and my immediate thought was another painful day. I went to see the lawyer and had to go to Income tax to get all of my income tax returns from the previous years. It felt like I had committed a crime. When I got back to my parents house, I felt emotionally drained and tired. However, I got enough courage to pick up the phone and do something positive for myself. Last year I got accepted to do my PHD  and did not accept it because my ex-husband felt that it would be too time consuming and costly. So I decided to pick up the phone and called the University to accept their invitation. I felt very empowered. If my ex-husband loved me he would of supported my education, instead he felt intimidated and made me feel bad about it. He always tried to compete with me and he would say that I thought I was better than everyone else. This was not the case. While I went through school to pursue a Master’s Degree he would say that he was supportive of me, but actions spoke louder than words. He made me feel bad that I had not finished my Thesis on time, and at one time I was afraid to go home and tell him that it will take a little longer. He wanted me to finish my Thesis so that I could contribute to the bills.Often he reminded me that I was not financially contributing. I remember he even said to me, “that a friend of his broke up with their boyfriend because he was a student, and she got back with him when he was finished school”. I wanted to leave a year after I was married, because I had had enough but felt compelled to keep trying. I wished I would of left early, I think that I might have been better off.

I also went to see a counsellor today that specialized in women abuse. She said to me that if I was still married I might have been killed. I looked at her with a puzzled look in my eye, and thought what does she mean? Not my husband. She is not possibly referring to the the man that I married and thought loved me.Then I remembered about the time that I was sick and could not walk. I thought that I had appendicitis, and asked him to drive me to the hospital in the middle of the night. He said that he had to work in the morning and told me to follow the hospital signs. I remember feeling very dehydrated at 3:00 in the morning. When I arrived at the hospital I was hooked up to an IV and was given morphine for pain and was observed for 8 hours. They never determined what was wrong with me, but they had expected that I had C difficule. He never even called the hospital to see if I was alright. When confronted he said that he had to work in the morning and that I should not expect him to drive me to the hospital. I could of died on the way to the hospital.

He also informed me on a continuous basis that I was worth $300,000 when I died. He has decided to continue to pay for my life insurance even though we are not together. Also, during the last week we were together we were driving home and he looked at me and said, “you want to be cremated”? That comment came out of nowhere. So I think that I am beginning to understand the word “survivor”. I am still alive.

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Pain

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July 09, 2007

Yesterday, I stopped my car and looked at Mount Cope. It is a place with many empty houses in the middle of nowhere. I do not know anyone there. What happened to me in Mount Cope? I remember screaming for help inside and felt that no one was listening. I associate Mount Cope with running and counselling sessions. We went to counselling on a weekly basis. He would always tell me what I couldn’t say.

I am currently staying at my parents to help me cope. Although I grew up in that house, everything reminds me of him. I guess I did not realize he was such a large part of my life. However, my memories are not good memories, I often think of him ignoring me and not communicating with me. My mother has a note on the fridge. She had asked him to pick up some cat food on his way over, when he wrote the list of what I owed him for Christmas , the $10.49 for the cat food with an asterisk beside had a notation from my husband that with he would cover this as a Christmas present. The cat food was my mothers Christmas present. I stare at this and think I deserve better than that. But it hurts so much. What am I grieving , the void in my life or the shattered dream? I feel desperate that I need to fill the void with someone else to make me feel complete. I guess when you have left an abusive relationship this is one of the side effects. I want to be happy again like I once was. I do not remember when the last time I had fun or laughed. I tried to have fun with him, but he often criticized me or talked about finances. I cannot stand the thought of him having fun or charming someone else. I sometimes think if I would have done something different, things might be better. I am so messed up.

My brother just came to the door and for a moment I thought it was my ex. I hate him so much but I am needy. I am truly living a nightmare. How do I cope? When does the pain go away? These questions have still yet to be answered. My parents are helping me through the whole process, although I feel they see things different than me. They want what’s best for me, and see him as a jerk. I also see him that way, but they do not comprehend that he was once my husband and my life. I was with him for seven years and it is unrealistic to have dry eyes a month after separation. It is normal to grieve, especially when his true colours are being constantly revealed. I once thought that he loved me, but I now realize that I was a fool. My Cinderella wedding and dreams were shattered the moment I said “I do”. I think about the wedding, it was in the Catholic church. How dare this happen to me! It was not supposed to happen to me. What did I do to deserve this? I was not a very nice wife sometimes, but how could I be , I did nothing right. He treated me like a child.

I have to start my life over and he already has, before the separation. I should have left him the first year of marriage. I am so angry and sad at the same time. I keep telling myself patience is a virtue and he will get what he deserves in the future. I will take another sleeping pill and try to sleep, for tomorrow is another painful day.”

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Conned

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July 08, 2007

Today was a difficult day. I slept until 2:00 p.m.. I could not get out of bed. I found his income tax. He has a business. Yet another lie. I felt so hurt. This person was supposed to be my husband. Everything is making sense to me more and more. It was a sham of a marriage, full of lies and deceit. He is a con artist. No wander he was so financially and emotionally abusive. He wanted me for money and sex. It was all part of the plan. My whole marriage was a sham. Please God help me get through this. I don’t deserve this. I was conned for 7 years.

My stomach hurts and I have to start thinking about other things. I have to start thinking of the house which I perceive to be poisonous. I have to learn to like it, if I decide to stay there. Why can’t I stay there?

  • I have the right to be in a non abusive relationship
  • I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect
  • I have the right to be happy

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