Reality

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July 10, 2007

Today I woke up and my immediate thought was another painful day. I went to see the lawyer and had to go to Income tax to get all of my income tax returns from the previous years. It felt like I had committed a crime. When I got back to my parents house, I felt emotionally drained and tired. However, I got enough courage to pick up the phone and do something positive for myself. Last year I got accepted to do my PHD  and did not accept it because my ex-husband felt that it would be too time consuming and costly. So I decided to pick up the phone and called the University to accept their invitation. I felt very empowered. If my ex-husband loved me he would of supported my education, instead he felt intimidated and made me feel bad about it. He always tried to compete with me and he would say that I thought I was better than everyone else. This was not the case. While I went through school to pursue a Master’s Degree he would say that he was supportive of me, but actions spoke louder than words. He made me feel bad that I had not finished my Thesis on time, and at one time I was afraid to go home and tell him that it will take a little longer. He wanted me to finish my Thesis so that I could contribute to the bills.Often he reminded me that I was not financially contributing. I remember he even said to me, “that a friend of his broke up with their boyfriend because he was a student, and she got back with him when he was finished school”. I wanted to leave a year after I was married, because I had had enough but felt compelled to keep trying. I wished I would of left early, I think that I might have been better off.

I also went to see a counsellor today that specialized in women abuse. She said to me that if I was still married I might have been killed. I looked at her with a puzzled look in my eye, and thought what does she mean? Not my husband. She is not possibly referring to the the man that I married and thought loved me.Then I remembered about the time that I was sick and could not walk. I thought that I had appendicitis, and asked him to drive me to the hospital in the middle of the night. He said that he had to work in the morning and told me to follow the hospital signs. I remember feeling very dehydrated at 3:00 in the morning. When I arrived at the hospital I was hooked up to an IV and was given morphine for pain and was observed for 8 hours. They never determined what was wrong with me, but they had expected that I had C difficule. He never even called the hospital to see if I was alright. When confronted he said that he had to work in the morning and that I should not expect him to drive me to the hospital. I could of died on the way to the hospital.

He also informed me on a continuous basis that I was worth $300,000 when I died. He has decided to continue to pay for my life insurance even though we are not together. Also, during the last week we were together we were driving home and he looked at me and said, “you want to be cremated”? That comment came out of nowhere. So I think that I am beginning to understand the word “survivor”. I am still alive.

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