Missing

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July 26, 2007

Today I went to my friends stag n’ doe. It was so hard. I try very hard to be there for her but it is so difficult when I am in so much pain. I felt like someone is missing. I was not complete. I am missing my ex. But what am I missing? If he was here he would just sit there like a log and ignore me. I was in charge of the crown and anchor . I really did not want to be there. It is like an alcoholic going to a bar. When is this pain going to end? I get wrapped up in his girlfriend. I think of everything. I hope she goes to hell. I want to inflict on her the pain that I feel. But I know in the future she will feel like I do. He will be abusive towards her. I hope she will feel like I do. I still can’t believe this is happening to me. Does he think about me at all? Seven years has to account for something.

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Emptiness

July 25, 2007

Today, I was profoundly sad at work. I am having difficulty getting through the day. I just feel so empty and lonely inside that I want it to end. The hurt, sadness and anger are very overwhelming. I wish someone would just shoot me, or that I get into a car accident. I am trying to make sense of it, but I cannot understand it fully. I have changed so much since this has happened. I watch other people laughing and having fun, and I do not feel that way. I am watching my world fall apart. But what world should I be mourning? I just feel so out of my element. It seems like I am getting support from work, although I do not want everyone to know my personal business. But I guess I made it somewhat public when I reverted back to my maiden name. I could not bear having his last name. I do not want to be associated with that bastard! It is hard to believe that just 1 1/2 months ago I was married and wanted children. Now I am not married and I find out that my whole marriage was a sham. He used me! Seven years was a long time, and I am having difficulty erasing it overnight, even though he has moved on. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I met him while helping cancer patients. I guess I was the perfect target. It just hurts so much. I cannot get passed it.

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The Devil I Knew

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July 20, 2007

“Today was a difficult day. I decided not to go to work because I was so upset. So I went for a run and then I went to Catholic Family Services for my appointment with my “abuse” councillor. I told her about the IPECAC poisoning at work. My ex-husband put ipecac in his yogurt at work because one of his co-workers was always taking his food from the fridge and eating it. He wanted to teach him a lesson. I told my councilor that I was throwing up all time and so were my cats. I was always going to the doctor’s , my cats were always going to the vet. They could not find out what was wrong with me. The vet could not find out what was wrong with my cats. Since the day he left, we are all fine. We are not sick. I have reason to believe that he was poisoning me. Was he trying to get rid of me, or was he trying to teach me a lesson? He had a plan for me and he constantly reminded me that I was not following his plan. I kept thinking , what plan? I guess the plan was to take my money and make more from me. Several weeks before he left, he was trying to convince me to put naked pictures of myself on the web, because as he would tell me ” we can make lots of money “. He said we could only put my breasts up, no-one would know it was me. I said no and then asked wouldn’t it bother you to have your wifes naked pictures on the web. He said no. Because we could make lots of money! Just before he left he sneaked into to the bathroom while I was taking a bath and started taking pictures of me. Did he post them? Is he making money from me?

I always thought there was something wrong with him. He never talked to me about anything else other than money and sex. I know now that he never loved me when we married. He merely saw me as an object. That is why he lacked empathy and compassion. He used to say to me that I looked at him as if he was a monster. He is. I lived with this monster for almost 4 years and I am left to pick up the pieces.”

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Support

July 16, 2007

For the past couple of weeks I have been off on stress leave, and today was my first day back at work. It felt a little weird, but it was OK. I really need to get caught up, I am so behind. But I need so much more support. I went to Woman’s Place here today. They have no beds and I can’t utilize their services because I only work in this area. I phoned the Woman’s Place in another area and they have legal support, counselling and a transitional worker. I am hoping I will finally get the support that I desperately need. Hopefully I can get stronger and recover.

I went to my support group, “Woman’s Weekly”. The discussion was very interesting and enlightening. When my ex- husband used to block me from leaving a room, then pat me on the shoulder, then hug me it was discussed as being a form of power and control. I am realizing more and more what a horrible relationship I was in. I always knew it deep down inside. That is why I was screaming inside ” HELP ME!” My life will be so much better without him. Life will be better now! I say that over and over to myself.

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