Trying To Make Sense of Abuse


August 02, 2007

I am trying so hard to understand what I have been through during the last 7 years, and what I am going through now. I have sought many resources, both human and material. I am trying to make sense of abuse and the abuser. When I got married 4 years, I thought that I was entering into a valid marriage, but in reality it was only a sham. He never loved me, and for that matter I do not even know if he even liked me. He had a plan, and the reason that I am separated today is that I did not comply too his plan. I often think of his playmate, and have been told over and over again that he has a plan for her, only she does not know it.I find myself so angry at times that I fantasize about hurting someone, but that anger is quickly replaced with a profound sadness. I want to heal from the abuse, and want to live a normal and happy life. Yet, I am finding out that there is no quick fix, and that healing will take time and I should give myself permission to heal. I have been told by many professionals that I have to constantly engage in self talk and to try to focus on myself and not even think about him. Apparently, if I am thinking about him, then he is still controlling me. Although in some regards I have become my own advocate. I have retained a lawyer, legal advocate, transitional support worker, EAP counselor, women’s abuse counselor, women’s abuse support group, and will be seeking a sexual abuse counselor. I am grabbing hold of anything, to get past this difficult time.

My ex has done 7 years of damage that cannot be easily erased. I need to build up my self-esteem and reclaim my life. I remember that before I met my ex, I was full of life and had so much energy and had many friends. Often times, I would have parties at my house. What happened? I know that person exists somewhere, but it will take time to find her. I am trying hard to reconnect with old friends and make new ones (women only). I want a different life. I certainly do not want to date for a while, because I will be attracting the same type of man. I want to break the cycle of abuse, and one day have a nurturing relationship based on mutual love and respect. I consider myself never married.

I am so tired. It is so quiet, while I am typing this entry. No one is criticizing me or patronizing me, instead there is dead silence. However, the abuse still resonates with me, even though my ex is gone. If only I can erase 7 years, if only I said, “I don’t” instead of “I do”, and if only I had listened to my inner voice while we were dating, I might be happier.





August 02, 2007

Today started off OK then I went to Woman’s Weekly, my abuse support group. We talked about sexual abuse. I had forgotten that I used to count during sex. Actually I counted often during the relationship. They said it is very common for woman who are abused to do this. I started to shake and felt very overwhelmed. It was a way to detach from the relationship. I started doing this in our first house. Apparently, they wear you down, it is a tactic that they use. I cannot believe how bad my relationship really was. I am trying so hard to get through this.


  • Lawyer
  • Grief and abuse counseling
  • Abuse counseling
  • Woman’s Weekly ; Abuse group
  • Transitional counseling
  • Design For a New Tomorrow; self-esteem; abuse counceling

I did not want to be with him!

I divorced him emotionally a long time ago

I detached myself a long time ago

I did not want to be married to an ABUSER anymore





August 01, 2007

Yesterday I was so upset that I went to the bank to find out about my financial situation. I am trying to undo the mess that he has created on so many levels. I was relieved to find out that I am able to consolidate my debt and make a monthly payment that is affordable (hopefully). My mother payed off my car and I have paid my line of credit off. I will now try to pay my BMO and that will leave me with a $22,000 debt. WOW! Work was alright I was better able to concentrate. My mom told me last night that I divorced him in my heart years ago. I believe that to be true. I did not want to be with him. There was so many rules. Cannot sit in a restaurant beside other people, we had to be isolated. He would never talk to me only about finances and sex. So what am I missing? Walking on eggshells? I did not enjoy his company, it was rather painful. I would hold my breath hoping he would not disagree with me, he would not ignore me, or talk about finances. He used to always tell me what to do with my life and career. He does not even know me.

I went to see one of my councillor’s today,. She is charging me less money so I can keep coming. I also phoned Design For a New Tomorrow. It is transitional abuse therapy. I hope it can also help with my self esteem. I am tired I forgot that I took a sleeping pill.


Another World?


July 28, 2007

Today was a very difficult day, I just wanted to die. I am trying to get my finances in order and it is very difficult. I was contemplating on leaving the world because it hurts too much. My friend from work called and asked if I wanted to go dancing. I did not want to go dancing so we decided on going to a sushi bar. As soon as I walked into the sushi bar, I felt so outdated. I wore blue jeans and a black button down shirt. The girls in there were very fashionable and the bar was very trendy. I liked it . It seemed to reflect my personality more than the bar my ex used to take me to. It was refreshing sitting with other professionals that are dressed well. Maybe, there is another world out there that I have yet to tap into. I am hoping that my life will be so different in a year from now. I am so tired. I always feel drowsy. I wander if the sleeping pills are in my blood stream. It is my ex’s birthday. I never cared before, Why do I care now? I do not remember what I got him last year.

What am I missing:

  • a meal at his mother’s where he would ignore me
  • an evening at the bar he likes with his sister
  • dinner at a restaurant where he would not talk to me and I would be constantly reading the menu.

I miss the security blanket.