August 02, 2007
I am trying so hard to understand what I have been through during the last 7 years, and what I am going through now. I have sought many resources, both human and material. I am trying to make sense of abuse and the abuser. When I got married 4 years, I thought that I was entering into a valid marriage, but in reality it was only a sham. He never loved me, and for that matter I do not even know if he even liked me. He had a plan, and the reason that I am separated today is that I did not comply too his plan. I often think of his playmate, and have been told over and over again that he has a plan for her, only she does not know it.I find myself so angry at times that I fantasize about hurting someone, but that anger is quickly replaced with a profound sadness. I want to heal from the abuse, and want to live a normal and happy life. Yet, I am finding out that there is no quick fix, and that healing will take time and I should give myself permission to heal. I have been told by many professionals that I have to constantly engage in self talk and to try to focus on myself and not even think about him. Apparently, if I am thinking about him, then he is still controlling me. Although in some regards I have become my own advocate. I have retained a lawyer, legal advocate, transitional support worker, EAP counselor, women’s abuse counselor, women’s abuse support group, and will be seeking a sexual abuse counselor. I am grabbing hold of anything, to get past this difficult time.
My ex has done 7 years of damage that cannot be easily erased. I need to build up my self-esteem and reclaim my life. I remember that before I met my ex, I was full of life and had so much energy and had many friends. Often times, I would have parties at my house. What happened? I know that person exists somewhere, but it will take time to find her. I am trying hard to reconnect with old friends and make new ones (women only). I want a different life. I certainly do not want to date for a while, because I will be attracting the same type of man. I want to break the cycle of abuse, and one day have a nurturing relationship based on mutual love and respect. I consider myself never married.
I am so tired. It is so quiet, while I am typing this entry. No one is criticizing me or patronizing me, instead there is dead silence. However, the abuse still resonates with me, even though my ex is gone. If only I can erase 7 years, if only I said, “I don’t” instead of “I do”, and if only I had listened to my inner voice while we were dating, I might be happier.
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