August 02, 2007

Today started off OK then I went to Woman’s Weekly, my abuse support group. We talked about sexual abuse. I had forgotten that I used to count during sex. Actually I counted often during the relationship. They said it is very common for woman who are abused to do this. I started to shake and felt very overwhelmed. It was a way to detach from the relationship. I started doing this in our first house. Apparently, they wear you down, it is a tactic that they use. I cannot believe how bad my relationship really was. I am trying so hard to get through this.


  • Lawyer
  • Grief and abuse counseling
  • Abuse counseling
  • Woman’s Weekly ; Abuse group
  • Transitional counseling
  • Design For a New Tomorrow; self-esteem; abuse counceling

I did not want to be with him!

I divorced him emotionally a long time ago

I detached myself a long time ago

I did not want to be married to an ABUSER anymore




4 Responses to “1,2,3,4…..”

  1. Katrina Says:

    wanted to talk to you somehow
    i am where you were..
    only im not married
    wanted to know how good counselling is
    it’s the one thing i haven’t done

  2. mountcope Says:

    Counseling is a very good method of healing. However, it is important that you find a counselor who specializes in abuse. I would suggest when you call, ask them what their thoughts are about abuse. You may consider phoning a women’s shelter in your area and ask them for a referral. Hope this is helpful.

  3. Am Matthews Says:

    I just want to make a comment about sexual abuse in relationships. Not to include physical rape. I have been sexually abused in the past throughout my lifetime actually. Not violently raped but abused none the less, but there is also another form of sexual abuse too, that is just as bad which is what happened in my last relationship, which is withholding sex. I lived with a man for 3 1/2 years and after a few months he started holding back on sex in ways that made me feel that I was undesirable and I actually started to feel disgusting and nasty. My self esteem plummeted and I had only just learned to like myself at age 47. I moved in with him and age 50 I am now almost 54. I later found out that this was his M.O. After our break up, his ex wife of 22 years and I started talking, (which has been the best therapy for both of us because it confirmed to us that it wasn’t us it was indeed him). My husband of 28 years had an insatiable drive, and I too used to wish he would hurry up and get done. But I honestly feel that the withholding was 10 times worse in my case, and I know it was in his ex-wives case too. You know that’s a tough call because I remember the feelings in the pit of my stomach when I would do things I didn’t want to do with my husband just to get him to go to sleep and leave me alone. It’s all bad I really don’t know which is worse. Funny how things come out in your head when you start writing!!!! It took me 47 years before I could look at myself in a mirror and say “Hey Amy you are a good looking women” and smile. Then here comes a man who tried to take that all away again and the sad thing is it was working. I got to the point I wouldn’t let him see me naked, unbelievable but honey, Amy is back!!! No man will ever do that to me again!!!!! My advice to all you beautiful women out there that don’t think that you are, don’t listen to that voice in your head that tells you that you are undesirable it simply is not true. If I can do it after 47 years so can you! ~ Amy

  4. TcHerrington Says:

    Dear AM Matthews,
    Good Lord, it was the same thing I felt about having sex with my husband, and it was not lovemaking. I detached myself, it was excruciatingly repulsive for me. It was torture for me, despite the fact that we had to do the deed routinely during my fertile period bc we were trying to conceive another baby.
    After I had my daughter, I had stretch marks and my stomach was no longer flat, he made pitiless remarks about my postbaby body (I was shattered and could not forget them since in abusive anger he would tell me exactly how he felt about me). I could not show myself fully naked to him ever after those early incidents after our daughter was born.

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