Another Sad Holiday


August 21, 2007

Thank God another long weekend is over! The holidays and stats are very hard. Although we never did anything on long weekends, I have this vision that he was out on a patio, drinking and having fun. It must be so easy for him to move on. I don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. How can someone hurt me so much. Then I thought, I would not mind having a couple of drinks on someone’s patio. I like to do that. Am I not good enough. Then I wandered what we did over the summers. All I remember is on the weekend I would watch his baseball tournaments, then he would have a few beers in the parking lot. I also remembered being ignored. I would sometimes leave and just meet him at his parents. I did not stop him from playing and I tried to attend most games. So, I don’t get it. Did he go to house parties when he was not home and not tell me. I gave him so much freedom. In fact I could not help it if I had to work to 6:30 and not want to do anything when I got home. I would remember he would make me a drink even when I said no. He always wanted me to drink.

I also remember that I did not show him much affection. All he did was come home , want sex, talk about money, then watch TV. How could I offer affection to someone who did not treat me well. I have so much love to give. I know how to give it, but I guess I did not want to. Then I think life would be different had I given him more affection, more sex, and gave him the money that I owed him for my brakes. Why didn’t I pay him back? I guess because I resented him, since all he talked to me about was finances. I remember near the end I said that I would work out a payment plan. But he never discussed it further. I think in his mind I owed him money since we started dating. Even though he made me take out a $10,000 loan for the wedding to pay him back, even though my parents payed for it and he also overcharged me an extra $300.00 a month for my share of the bills for over a year.

All I ever wanted was a happy marriage. I envisioned a marriage when two people talk about everything, and are able to sit outside and have a couple of drinks and just enjoy each other’s company. I guess I just got sick of being ignored. The only topics that interested him was finances, sex, and healthy eating, that was all. I wander since they both have the same career if he will actually talk to her. I wish I could be a fly on the wall. I don’t think he would be talking about me , his business, the divorce. But I think he is starting to give her advice about money. Is this one different? Will he talk to her like his friends or will he begin to treat her different. I wish someone would tell me that they have broken up! I would feel better.

When is life going to get better? When will the pain go away? I wake up and it is there. I go to bed and it is there. I never knew I could endure this much suffering. I still can’t believe this is happening to me!



14 Responses to “Another Sad Holiday”

  1. Rosie Says:

    I have to be honest with you… this comment isnt so much about what you wrote but the picture posted. It is absolutely beautiful and captures so many emotions! And although I can relate to what you wrote I have to know where did you find this pic? Did you draw it?

  2. mountcope Says:

    Hi Rosie,

    No, I do not take credit for that picture.

  3. jade Says:

    i know exactly how you feel two weeks before mine and my fiancees wedding he ran off with my sister i was shocked but heartbroken and was in tears for ages

  4. Mental P Mama Says:

    You can beat yourself up forever. But the answer doesn’t lie in what you did not do. It is what he is not. You will be fine. Please know that I am sending you blessings!

  5. whiteangel86 Says:

    I very well know the way u feel… I accidentally ran into your blog, i was trying to find pictures about sadness. But i read your story…i feels like u were writing about me. Just that i never got married, he said he wasn’t ready yet for it before even asking me if i wanted to marry him or not. He left me for his friends, for snowboarding and skydiving. I lost my hope for a while but looked arround me and found many friends and nice guys. Will i ever love the way i loved HIM? Surely NOT. But at least i cand try!!! And i’ll be dam if i suffer more for him while he is having fun!!! So please cheer up. The world is not over just that u didn’t find the right guy yet! ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Unknownsoul Says:

    Reading your story reminds me of my husband and I. Its been two years since we split but I still feel like I’m the one in the wrong. I fight those feelings everyday and its not easy. I have cried many nights and days over it and nothing seems to help. No matter how hard I try its still there. But my mother (this is going to sounds stupid) told me that what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. Even if you do still love him and have the doubts I know you do. Look at it as a lesson, a trial, not a mistake. I’m very sure that in the beginning you tried you hardest to make everything perfect for him. And if he didn’t notice that then he was not the right one for you. Take your time. You’ll find the one who really loves you!:)

  7. Merrill Tanner Says:

    I feel exactly the same. Hearing about your story makes me feel less alone because most people don’t understand or don’t want to hear about it. I hear you, I understand it and I feel the same pain and am working on expressing it as much as possible. I am a singer. At first I was avoiding singing, really singing because it would make me cry and I was trying to avoid the pain. Now I sing out as much as I can (alone of course) even if it sounds awful and it makes me cry, because, once I do I feel a little better for a little while. Maybe there is some kind of expressive thing that you like that you could us in this way on your own to help express the pain and get rid of it. you deserve to get rid of this pain. Most people seem to think that just getting away from an abusive person should be enough, after that you will just be happy. It seems like its the abusive person that is happy and I agree its unfair. I am hoping that in the long run this turns out to be the opposite. I think this is starting to bear fruit. Eventhough my kids get sucked in to their “new, great, loving” father, their security, self esteem are from me. The other day my youngest said “It sure is weird how Daddy didn’t used to even notice we were here when he lived here and now he can’t wait to see us and be with us all the time. My daughter says “He so demanding, we are not allowed to have a life over there, He thinks that when I have a friend over I am rejecting him and not wanting to be with him.”

  8. Fel Says:

    Be strong.. You are not alone..

  9. Amanda Says:

    Hey, I came across this looking for “sad” pictures. I read your story and all I have to say is this. I like the many whom have posted before me, know the pain you suffer. I am now a single mother.. still inlove with the man of my past and hate the very idea of him at the same time.
    If anything helps for me i’ve found it to be … exploring the ability to be your own person without someone else, if it’s the idea of proving you’re better off without him, even if you don’t believe it just yet… you’ll find the idea becomes a reality when put to practice.
    I’m becoming a believer of “if he didn’t love you when you gave him everything, then he’s blind to what he’s lost” You’re too good for him ๐Ÿ˜‰ And he’ll find it out eventually.

  10. Irene Says:

    Hey I was searching for some sad pictures and i came across this one..The funny thing is that I look exactly like the girl in the picture so I would be very happy if you could tell me where you found it…
    Anyway I only have to say that the best revenge when people treat you badly is to smile back and move on ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. Macy Says:

    Hi mountcope.. i was looking for a sad picture in the internet and I saw this pic, I accidentally read ur story, i know it’s not easy being in that situation, you’ve given so much just for the idea of happy marriage.. maybe you can ask yourself if you really love him or just the idea of being happy? sometimes our dreams are blinding us from is so clear that this guy didn’t loved you at all, dnt get me wrong..I was just trying to make you realize that your happiness doesn’t depend on someone.. tell yourself over and over again that you can be happy with yourself even without him, there are a lot of people who loves you.. perhaps you have a confidant where you can share your burdens with and will try to cheer you up! and still remember that there is GOD! beLieve me, if you pray and ask for a wisdom and grace, i’m sure it will enlighten you..
    the first thing to do to move on is file a divorce with this man.. you can start a new life if he is out of it…
    and don’t find a rebound after this, being with someone doesn’t guarantee you happiness.. just find yourself, build a new dream and make a new goal… you can make it… =)

  12. lara Says:

    Never mind… hurt always hurts. I dedicate this song to you.

  13. Madelein Says:

    Tears streaming down my cheeks as i read your story.. It felt like you told everyone my story ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

    How can this be that 2 people goes through the exact same thing????

  14. sassyliqueur Says:

    be tough mountcope… u can pass this all through…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: