August 21, 2007
Thank God another long weekend is over! The holidays and stats are very hard. Although we never did anything on long weekends, I have this vision that he was out on a patio, drinking and having fun. It must be so easy for him to move on. I don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. How can someone hurt me so much. Then I thought, I would not mind having a couple of drinks on someone’s patio. I like to do that. Am I not good enough. Then I wandered what we did over the summers. All I remember is on the weekend I would watch his baseball tournaments, then he would have a few beers in the parking lot. I also remembered being ignored. I would sometimes leave and just meet him at his parents. I did not stop him from playing and I tried to attend most games. So, I don’t get it. Did he go to house parties when he was not home and not tell me. I gave him so much freedom. In fact I could not help it if I had to work to 6:30 and not want to do anything when I got home. I would remember he would make me a drink even when I said no. He always wanted me to drink.
I also remember that I did not show him much affection. All he did was come home , want sex, talk about money, then watch TV. How could I offer affection to someone who did not treat me well. I have so much love to give. I know how to give it, but I guess I did not want to. Then I think life would be different had I given him more affection, more sex, and gave him the money that I owed him for my brakes. Why didn’t I pay him back? I guess because I resented him, since all he talked to me about was finances. I remember near the end I said that I would work out a payment plan. But he never discussed it further. I think in his mind I owed him money since we started dating. Even though he made me take out a $10,000 loan for the wedding to pay him back, even though my parents payed for it and he also overcharged me an extra $300.00 a month for my share of the bills for over a year.
All I ever wanted was a happy marriage. I envisioned a marriage when two people talk about everything, and are able to sit outside and have a couple of drinks and just enjoy each other’s company. I guess I just got sick of being ignored. The only topics that interested him was finances, sex, and healthy eating, that was all. I wander since they both have the same career if he will actually talk to her. I wish I could be a fly on the wall. I don’t think he would be talking about me , his business, the divorce. But I think he is starting to give her advice about money. Is this one different? Will he talk to her like his friends or will he begin to treat her different. I wish someone would tell me that they have broken up! I would feel better.
When is life going to get better? When will the pain go away? I wake up and it is there. I go to bed and it is there. I never knew I could endure this much suffering. I still can’t believe this is happening to me!
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