It’s Called Hurt

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August 17, 2007
Today started off really rough. I was in my office and felt very overwhelmed, and found it difficult to concentrate. I was just so engulfed with emotion. I then went to the park and I could not stop crying, so I called the Woman’s Shelter and spoke with a councillor on the phone. I felt better and was able to return to work. I was surprised how good it was to talk to somebody. My friend from work then came into my office and we went for a walk. She is such a good friend, she makes me laugh. She wanted us to go away from here and move to Calgary. The idea to leave town is very tempting. I wander what it would be like to change my environment. I no longer would be triggered by black Toyotas, and no longer wander if she is working here in town. I would be free! I also thought it might be fun to go the National Theatre School . That is something I wanted to do when I took theatre at University. It would be a completely life! I still feel like I am trapped in a way because I am still here with the same job.I am still so sad and hurt. I have to stop obsessing about them. I still cannot believe this is happening to me. It is funny but I do not want to be with him, but at the same time I do not want to be alone. I hate it! I am not used to it. I do not want to be single and 32. I was supposed to be married. I want their relationship to fail! I want him to feel what it is like to be alone.

I have attended many councelling sessions and still am not mentally well. It is just too overwhelming.To watch you ex husband leave and nothing, a hug, a kiss goodbye, to fearing for your safety. Also to have the police in your house “for your protection” when 2 weeks before we were watching TV in our house. I am still finding it hard to digest. And then to have it labelled abusive finding out it could have resulted in death is very overwhelming.Why aren’t my cats sick anymore? Why am I not throwing up anymore? I was thinking of taking Ipecac just to see if I felt the same.

I ask myself why?, why? why? everyday. And what the hell really happened. It was hell. I could probably write a book. As I lay here I have an uncomfortable feeling in my chest that will not go away. I think it is called “hurt”

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Please Turn Off The Lights… the Management

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If I was to be perfectly honest there were signs from the very beginning of their relationship. On their first date he picked her up for dinner in the dead of winter wearing only a pullover and a toque and managed to have my daughter pay for her own dinner. He was almost immediately at our house at every waking moment, and after a few days into their relationship I would come home from work and find him right at home showering and shaving in my bathroom. I was immediately turned off. He was cocky from the beginning. He thought it was his right. We would notice at times he would make fun of her, in a almost “put down”, way. I remember the time she fell while jogging. She knew she needed an x-ray,she has weak ankles but for some reason he thought that it wasn’t necessary right away and it was more important for her to sit in a lawn chair (in pain) at his mother’s while he practiced his golf swings. He only took her to the walk-in clinic after she called me. She broke her foot. And up until they separated he continually brought up the incident and would make fun of her how breaking her foot was her fault. She ran too close to the edge. He always pointed out what she did wrong. I know now that by not bringing her to the clinic immediately was in fact his control and power in the infancy of their relationship.

It all changed dramatically after they were married. She was not happy. We could see it. They did not seem like a couple newly married, that couldn’t keep their hands off each other, who were in love. Their relationship had moved to a different level. This was clear to me when I visited her one day and noticed holes in her doors and signs underneath every light switch that said. PLEASE TURN OFF THE LIGHTS…….the MANAGEMENT.

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My Nightmare Continues

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August 11, 2007

Today started off on a good note somewhat, after the drive to work. I tried so hard not to look to the left, when driving. I was so nervous that I would pass by him again. I had an appointment at the bank. She wanted a signed separation agreement so I was not approved for the loan. After talking to the lawyer at Woman’s Place I doubt if I will be approved. I called my lawyer’s assistant and expressed how disappointed I am that they do not return any of my calls and at that point I felt empowered. I then spoke with my abuse councillor and felt better. I then went and spoke with the lawyer at Woman’s Place. She was very direct, and basically said that I was in control of the process and that my lawyer has been waiting for me to give him my financial statement. I felt like I am getting slapped in the face time and time again. It is only about assets. Forget about the scars he inflicted and the affair. They do not mean anything. I am so tired of people being blunt with me. It is easy for people to say things without considering the impact. People do not understand. I lived with this person for 7 years. They did not marry this person, I did! This nightmare is not going away. I feel like I keep getting shot down, over and over again. Will something good ever happen? I have suffered enough. Or will it get worse? I am not very optimistic.I am starting to get used to this. I wish that my mom would think before she speaks sometimes. Her comments are sometimes hurtful. Like you need to complete your financial statement, he has moved on with his life. I do not want to hear that. I felt my heart sink into my stomach. I spend time with my abuse councillor trying to understand and put things into perspective. Comments like that make me revert back. They are too strong and direct! I hope tomorrow is a better day.

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Rejection

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August 10, 2007

Today was a difficult day. On my drive to work I saw my ex- husband. I can still see the image in my head. He was wearing his golfing sweater, track pants and sunglasses. His car was also messy. I remember only being a passenger in that car a couple of times, since he bought it. He said it was to messy and always drove my car. I was proud of myself that I never reacted when I saw him. I did not shed a tear or shake. He looked very intense. It is amazing that I am still legally his wife and he passed by me like he did not even know me. It is hard to believe that 2 1/2 months ago Iwas married to him and lived in Mount Cope, was with him for 7 years, and he just passed by me like it did not matter. I hope I do not see him tomorrow. Now I will be nervous on my drive to work that I am going to run into him. I still cannot wrap my head around, how someone I slept with for 7 years is sleeping with someone else. I chose to walk away, and he did not. I will never understand it . It is like I am being punished.Idid not realize that when I said I do 4 years ago that I would be in this situation. Why me? How is it fair that he has gone on with his life and I am still in pain. I hope she goes to hell!There should not have been a third party involved. She had nothing to do with my marriage. How can she hold her head up high. Is she stupid or something? It just seems like she won. But what did she win? Someone who will eventually is going to treat her like shit. No thanks! today I also had two ambulances follow me. I wander if he came from our house? Why would he come that way from work? I wander if he has thought about me once. He failed me as a husband.

I was not that upset until I spoke with a collegue on the phone. I told her about my ex, and she seemed very short with me. I just felt rejected again! Rationally speaking I crossed the professional line, and maybe she was uncomfortable talking about that at work. Maybe I am reading into it. It is hard to be rejected!It doesn’t help my self confidence. I guess that is the risk I have to take to put myself out there. I have been isolated for too long. there is nothing wrong with me. Tomorrow will be better!

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Beginning

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August 09, 2007

Today was a good day at work.I did not have to think about my situation. I am so busy. Too busy. One of my collegues came into my office to see how I was. I asked her out for dinner. If I was still in my old life, I would not have initiated this. It feels good to talk without having reservations like there is something wrong with me! I feel a little bit like my old self, but it will take more time. I went for a massage after work. It was so relaxing and I find it so therapeutic during this crisis. I am able to separate myself in my mind from the situation. I felt good today and want more days like this. I took only 1/2 a sleeping pill today, I am trying to take myself off them. My head is too foggy.

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Faith

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August 07, 2007

Today I went to another of my friend’s shower. I was so upset!!! I had so many triggers this morning.   Then I went to church with my friend’s family. I cried during church. I just wanted to die. I was contemplating becoming a born again Christian. I spoke with the pastor and he said that divorce was only accepted if adultery was committed. It does not matter if it was an abusive relationship or not. I know my God saw what was happening and supported the decision to end the marriage. I asked for help so many times. While my friend was opening her gifts I wanted to hang myself.The memories were very overwhelming. I do not like the position I am in. I think this is part of his revenge.

My life is very different now and it is not because I am in a rebound relationship. I cannot do that

My ex was a parasite.

Being with him was painful and punishment enough.

THIS SHALL PASS!

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Trying To Make Sense of Abuse

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August 02, 2007

I am trying so hard to understand what I have been through during the last 7 years, and what I am going through now. I have sought many resources, both human and material. I am trying to make sense of abuse and the abuser. When I got married 4 years, I thought that I was entering into a valid marriage, but in reality it was only a sham. He never loved me, and for that matter I do not even know if he even liked me. He had a plan, and the reason that I am separated today is that I did not comply too his plan. I often think of his playmate, and have been told over and over again that he has a plan for her, only she does not know it.I find myself so angry at times that I fantasize about hurting someone, but that anger is quickly replaced with a profound sadness. I want to heal from the abuse, and want to live a normal and happy life. Yet, I am finding out that there is no quick fix, and that healing will take time and I should give myself permission to heal. I have been told by many professionals that I have to constantly engage in self talk and to try to focus on myself and not even think about him. Apparently, if I am thinking about him, then he is still controlling me. Although in some regards I have become my own advocate. I have retained a lawyer, legal advocate, transitional support worker, EAP counselor, women’s abuse counselor, women’s abuse support group, and will be seeking a sexual abuse counselor. I am grabbing hold of anything, to get past this difficult time.

My ex has done 7 years of damage that cannot be easily erased. I need to build up my self-esteem and reclaim my life. I remember that before I met my ex, I was full of life and had so much energy and had many friends. Often times, I would have parties at my house. What happened? I know that person exists somewhere, but it will take time to find her. I am trying hard to reconnect with old friends and make new ones (women only). I want a different life. I certainly do not want to date for a while, because I will be attracting the same type of man. I want to break the cycle of abuse, and one day have a nurturing relationship based on mutual love and respect. I consider myself never married.

I am so tired. It is so quiet, while I am typing this entry. No one is criticizing me or patronizing me, instead there is dead silence. However, the abuse still resonates with me, even though my ex is gone. If only I can erase 7 years, if only I said, “I don’t” instead of “I do”, and if only I had listened to my inner voice while we were dating, I might be happier.

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