Anger

anger.jpg

September 21, 2007

It has been almost 4 months since I have separated and I am so pissed off. The pain, confusion, and hardship that I have endured over the last 4 months is unspeakable. I did not deserve any of it. All of his lies and schemes are inconceivable, that someone with intent would hurt someone that was so close to him, HIS OWN WIFE!!! Although, he was abusive over the last 7 years, it is still hard to believe all the lies that I found out about. How can a decent human being do that to someone else? I guess, I will never understand. I literally, had to change my life and way of thinking overnight. I guess near the end I was still hanging on to the dream, and I literally saw it dissolve before my eyes. Over the last 4 months, the hardships that I had to endure include:

The first week after the trial separation

  1. I found out that he stole money, had assets, a business, pornography sites, GPS tracking, spy cameras, revenge sites, extradition sites, had an affair in October (separated in june), stole my identity, schemed, lied! lied and lied. I met with his financial advisor 1 week before separation to reduce my debt and take out a 54,000 leverage account? Why did he want me to take out a $54,000 leverage account?. He also was fixated on taking pictures of my breasts and and wanting to make money from them and making a porno film. He did this the last week, and it has since been I the separation clause
  2. Treated me like garbage and admitted it, because I did not follow the plan. Told me a week prior that he, “loved me more than I would ever know” Told me that everything was my fault, meanwhile he was with his girlfriend
  3. During the trial separation, he spent the time with his girlfriend and planned to meet me on Saturday, when I was most vulnerable to have me sign for things. He told me he was at a friends house watching movies
  4. I found myself at women’s shelters to get more information about a safety plan, after finding the internet sites he frequented. The week before the trial separation we were playing Deal or No Deal and having sex. I have never thought that I would be accessing a women’s shelter in my lifetime.
  5. He started taking things from the house. He took my modem, so I could not use the phone, and left me notes on my door
  6. I decided to leave the house and stay with my parents. I found myself at counseling and support groups. Three weeks before that I was in my house watching TV.
  7. He came by to get his clothes, the police had escorted him. We were sleeping together 3 weeks prior. My husband became my enemy overnight
  8. He took things from the home. Each time I come home, there was something gone
  9. The dream evaporates before your eyes

The last 3 months

  1. I own 3 houses, yet I have no where to go. He is renting or living in the MC residence. I not to sure if his girlfriend is in “my house” that I decorated
  2. I cannot concentrate at work, like I used to.
  3. I have been house sitting and trying to live day by day
  4. I found out that she is the exact opposite than me and has no remorse, ethics or conscious. She is white trash, she swears, smokes, drinks and parties excessively, and is sexually promiscuous. I am the exact opposite. I do not party, smoke, and drink. In fact I volunteer at a nursing home and am trying to start up a support center to make a difference in people’s lives. I used to feel sorry for her, but know I don’t. They came out of the closet a month after separation, and it did not bother her. She looks needy, desperate, and someone with no integrity. The worst part is that she was married before, she should know better. If one day you are reading this, which I will one day give you the URL to this blog, when he hurts you, I just wanted to let you know that you deserve everything you get, and you were a fool to believe every word he said about our marriage and me.
  5. He literally turned my life upside down
  6. I found out that the marriage was a sham and that he is incapable of love. In fact all he did was have a plan (refer to flashbacks). He uses people, like he is using his paramedic friends to invest. What is in it for him? Commission? This includes his girlfriend.
  7. My Ex ruins the lives of the people who know him best.
  8. The list goes on and on

PLEASE TAKE A FEW MOMENTS TO PARTICIPATE IN OUR POLL: DATING AFTER ABUSE

Advertisements

6 Responses to “Anger”

  1. Karin Says:

    God bless you, sweetheart.

  2. cemeteryum Says:

    I’ve been through rough the same problem lately, although it’s not so big (meaning it was a mere break-up not a divorce). I know it’s hard. I’ve been through hell and back but through all the pain and suffering i’ve rediscovered myself, changed my ways of thinking and my perspective upon life. We are surrounded by s**ty people in a f**ed up world. You need to relax, focus on things you need to do (like your job) try not to lose track on your life and derail. Rediscouver yourself, learn to love yourself and others will love you too! It’s a hard life and we must fight for we have nothing else to do. I’ve seen alot of lifes destroyed in similar cases and i drew some conclusions upon thing… learned to learn from other’s mistakes.
    I hope my words cand make you feel better!
    Blessed be!

  3. Leslie Says:

    Dear MC;
    I have just spent much time reading many of your entries. My heart goes out to you because I know myself the intense pain, the anger, the confusion and the injustice that comes from giving your heart to a man that has no regard for treating his wife, his “love” with kindness, or respect or even with reason. You sound very much like me; I do not understand how someone can consistently abuse someone’s trust, love and self esteem without any apparent remorse or sorrow. To quote another person on your site, we live in a ……world. As a follow of Christ I cannot understand the evil in people, however, I do know that a good and pure love is honored and cherished by Christ and I know that I can never be truly alone with Him by my side. The insults and cruelty certainly still cut deep, but I know that this life is temporary, and everyone will be accountable for their actions.

    I hope your journey to wellness gets healtheir and stronger with each day. And I pray soon your heart and soul will grow it’s wings again so you can authentically be happy and whole again. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story and being a friend to others in pain and recovery. God bless you!

  4. Sabrina Says:

    Oh my god.
    I don’t know what to say. It is crazy. I just think that your are a very strong person, and you met the worst asshole on the earth, and I met the second one.

    All my best thoughts for your healing.

  5. rq Says:

    I myself am i guy and i saw this while looking up a pic for a religon project i have, and i on behalf of all guys want to say sorry because although it may seem like all guys are a****** and are incapable of love it is untrue i am sorry to say guys like that make girls hate guys. I myself feel girls deserved to be loved and put above all other things on life. your Ex is a F**k*n* A**h**e hope you find the right guy 🙂

  6. windy Says:

    I came across this story inadvertly and I believe I can honestly say that you will look back at this one day you just might thank God……Right now the pain was so incredible and the path that you are now traversing so excruiating,that it takes your whole physical and spiritual strength just to get through a second of the day. You feel your bones ache with such intense pain from the onslaught of his betrayal.
    I am traveling that same path that is almost parralel in comparsion, and literally the only thing that has kept me sane was some of my Christian girlfriends that God has placed in my path. Now, I love God with all my heart and soul by I am by no means the “perfect” Christian. I am pure at heart , yes, but I do not preach his love, I feel it and extend it in my own ways. My other “so called ” friends practically just wanted to talk just to hear the latest gossip of my life and no ways be of any help to me. My christian friends (now, these friends are realist, my one friend would say to me “hey, lets go grab a beer and talk about God and his plans for you” ha ha ,I love that girl) But it seemed that everytime I was having a rough spell in the day (without their knowledge or me whining to them) they would for some reason send me a text or voice mail to brighten my journey…somehow they would just sense it and she lived 1500 miles away!
    So God bless you, may he strengten you during this time and remember you are not destined to be with a a**hole .
    God has better plans for you, just keep your head up, don’t try to figure out how or why your ex or soon to be, is doing this to you, (you can’t, your heart will not understand and be grateful that it isn’t because you are not cut from the same cloth as him), Sister, in other words let your heart shine with forgiveness and purity. You will step out the victor in this . Remember…….karma, karma, karma.
    -Windy


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: