Learning To Spot the Controller / Abuser


Unfortunately, many woman fall into the hands of a controller because they ignore, or aren’t able to recognize the characteristics of men who abuse. These men often fool women into believing they are involved with a man who is loving, caring, and affectionate. Instead they turn out to be dominating, uncaring and lacking the confidence to be emotionally intimate. Often these men have little or no self-esteem.

  1. Does he speak with disrespect or anger about woman who have been part of his life? for example his mother, sister, ex-wife? Does he have little respect for women? This may not be evident in early dating, but will come out later in the relationship.
  2. Does he have a temper? does he get visibly angry or hostile? What happens when things don’t go right? can he handle irritation in traffic? when you are late?
  3. Has he ever hit you, treated you roughly or threatened to hurt you in any way?
  4. Does he constantly find fault in you? Is he someone who is proud of his high standards (especially for others) and his desire for excellence? What he is really saying is that he has high standards for everyone else. And if everyone doesn’t meet his high standards, they will be made to regret it.
  5. Does he control or disapprove of how you spend your money. A key weapon is money. Stingy and misery at best, he sees no problem with spending money on himself.
  6. Does he try to take advantage of you sexually, or make sexual demands on you? Does talking about emotional intimacy make him nervous or impatient? Does he understand the difference between affection and having sex? After a fight, does he insist on making up sexually?
  7. Does drinking alcohol, even a modest amount, make him a different person? (Jekyll & Hyde)
  8. Does he make excuses for his drinking? Does he seen to need to drink often? does he need to have a drink everyday?
  9. Does he use or enjoy humour that puts down or degrades others in subtle or not-so-subtle ways? Does he try to poke fun at others? What kind of compiments does he give?
  10. Does he lack the ability to laugh at himself?



4 Responses to “Learning To Spot the Controller / Abuser”

  1. w/e Says:

    um…some of those characteristics are farfetched. the inability to laugh at one’s self? how does that make the person be considered as an abuser? Drinking? Some people are calm drinkers, even though they drink a lot, they never get violent, not common, but fairly high in number. A business man might be stingy with his money too…a suit doesn’t mean a person is violent. blah blah blah…there’s no validity in these characteristics

    • Star Says:

      Um…yes these characteristics are very common and real for an abuser, not to be taken lightly but to be looked at seriously. As subtle as some signs are, they are there and good for others to know so they can avoid making a HUGE mistake. My husband has them all and I wish I had seen this site before agreeing to have any type of relationship with him whatsoever. That sounds like a very good idea…..read this site first, save many people from making a horrible mistake.

  2. jean Says:

    My narcisstic abusive husband has everyone of these characteristics….being abused is no joke…I hope this helps some one spot and abuser before they marry them…it’s very difficult to disconnect from them..very painful..

  3. sandrar Says:

    Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

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