Wishing

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October 01, 2007

Today I went to the Gospel church. It was different. It did not bother me like I thought it might. I enjoyed singing the songs. I was a little perplexed when I introduced myself to the pastor. He was not too friendly like I thought he would be. He gave me no information about the church. The lady beside him welcomed me. I think I will come again and then make my decision.I just want a different life and surround myself with good people. I thought that when I married into a Catholic family like mine, I was surrounding myself with good people. I guess I was wrong. I was married to the devil. He hurt me so bad. I don’t understand how anyone could hurt someone this bad. Like he did. I once had a house, a family. Now I have none. It is just me.

After church I went to the office and wrote for hours. Finally, I see a report coming together. I am trying to get caught up. I can either go to Niagara tomorrow to see my parents or go to the office. I am not sure.

Like yesterday I received a phone call. i know it is him. It is too much of a coincidence. As soon as I answer , they hang up.Is he actually thinking of me? I don’t know how anyone could treat their wife so badly, admit it, and not feel any remorse, or have any feelings. In some twisted way, I actually like that he phoned me. I guess because he thought about me. Maybe I liked it because he used to call me so much to check on me , and it is what I am used to.I wander if he will always keep tabs on me. I hope not.

I feel lonely, lost and confused and fat. I hope life will get better one day. I wish this nightmare will end.

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