August , 2007….. Yesterday was an extremely difficult day. I started the day off strong, then it all came crashing down. I attended another of my friend’s shower and I found it so difficult to be there. I am happy for her but I have such a difficult time expressing it. I just get so angry and sad all at the same time. Then they played a game. We had to stand up and tell everyone “Our Song”. The song that was special with your husband. I lost it! I ran to the bathroom crying and stayed there until the game was finished. I was miserable being there. I do not want to loose her friendship over this. My mother was at this shower, so when I got home she confronted me and told me I was being selfish and I was not trying hard enough. I agree that I should be trying harder for her. I do not want to be like my ex. But my parents said some very hurtful things.
- You will have no friends. You will lose everyone if you continue to be selfish
- He has lots of friends and he is having fun. I have spent 3 months trying not to get hung up on that. I did not need to hear it.
- Go get a man if it would make you feel better. Get laid
- Keep it up and nobody will give a fuck about you except for us
I remember now why I wanted to get married so bad. I did not want to live here anymore. I guess that is why I put up with my ex and got married in the first place because I thought it would be better than living at home. Then I realized I have nowhere to go. If I went back to Mount Cope, there is no one there, just painful memories. I would sit by the window and wait for him to come home. But he has a new life now while I am here swallowed up with grief. I still can’t believe what has happened to me in the last three months. It still hurts so bad. He was not a husband. I sometimes think if I had turned of the lights, and contributed more financially, maybe I would still be married. Maybe if he was not so hard on me, was home, did not ignore me. listened to me when I talked, validated my thoughts ad opinions, cared about me, then I would still be married. I have to keep reminding myself that he never loved or cared about me. I don’t think he even knew me. He did not take the time. I tried very hard at the beginning. I even asked his mom for help. I wanted it to work so badly! Now I am done!I started to retreat from him because he was treating me like a child. He said that I should be his security blanket. The whole marriage was a lie! I was only supply, money and sex! He was so frustrated with me. I did not follow his plan. I still don’t know what I did wrong. Why am I being punished? I am not doing well. Life is so painful. My parents are not helping. They think I am playing the victim. No! I am just so hurt.Pretend you’re happy! If life becomes to difficult. I have an exit strategy. I just have to research it, make sure he is off the insurance policy. Look up purgatory.
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