Extreme Pain And Blame

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” Most emotional abuse victims are not aware of the depth of their own despair, sadness and fear until these are revealed in the therapeutic setting. They almost always focus the blame for problems in the relationship on themselves. Suicidal ideation, a common symptom among victims, is the ultimate form of self-blame and internalized self-annihilation.” from Emotional Abuse.. Marti Tamm Loring

August , 2007….. Yesterday was an extremely difficult day. I started the day off strong, then it all came crashing down. I attended another of my friend’s shower and I found it so difficult to be there. I am happy for her but I have such a difficult time expressing it. I just get so angry and sad all at the same time. Then they played a game. We had to stand up and tell everyone “Our Song”. The song that was special with your husband. I lost it! I ran to the bathroom crying and stayed there until the game was finished. I was miserable being there. I do not want to loose her friendship over this. My mother was at this shower, so when I got home she confronted me and told me I was being selfish and I was not trying hard enough. I agree that I should be trying harder for her. I do not want to be like my ex. But my parents said some very hurtful things.

  • You will have no friends. You will lose everyone if you continue to be selfish
  • He has lots of friends and he is having fun. I have spent 3 months trying not to get hung up on that. I did not need to hear it.
  • Go get a man if it would make you feel better. Get laid
  • Keep it up and nobody will give a fuck about you except for us

I remember now why I wanted to get married so bad. I did not want to live here anymore. I guess that is why I put up with my ex and got married in the first place because I thought it would be better than living at home. Then I realized I have nowhere to go. If I went back to Mount Cope, there is no one there, just painful memories. I would sit by the window and wait for him to come home. But he has a new life now while I am here swallowed up with grief. I still can’t believe what has happened to me in the last three months. It still hurts so bad. He was not a husband. I sometimes think if I had turned of the lights, and contributed more financially, maybe I would still be married. Maybe if he was not so hard on me, was home, did not ignore me. listened to me when I talked, validated my thoughts ad opinions, cared about me, then I would still be married. I have to keep reminding myself that he never loved or cared about me. I don’t think he even knew me. He did not take the time. I tried very hard at the beginning. I even asked his mom for help. I wanted it to work so badly! Now I am done!I started to retreat from him because he was treating me like a child. He said that I should be his security blanket. The whole marriage was a lie! I was only supply, money and sex! He was so frustrated with me. I did not follow his plan. I still don’t know what I did wrong. Why am I being punished? I am not doing well. Life is so painful. My parents are not helping. They think I am playing the victim. No! I am just so hurt.Pretend you’re happy! If life becomes to difficult. I have an exit strategy. I just have to research it, make sure he is off the insurance policy. Look up purgatory.

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2 Responses to “Extreme Pain And Blame”

  1. kim Says:

    you are so not alone-i’m going through this exact same thing and feel i have no support-or very little…my husband, the one who was a monster in our marriage-has a whole network of support AND all of the friends too. it is 13 years that i’ve taken his shit….i wish i could do something to myself to feel strong and just realize i didn’t put myself in this situation-he put me here. i wish i could know i can meet someone wonderful who will really appreciate me and love ME. he was always a liar and i just kept giving him chance after chance. he ignored me, locked his office until 3 am so i couldn’t be with him. he went to friggin porn conventions (this was his business-porn sites on the web) he lied about how involved he was. i begged him to not get involved in this business-he lied agiain-said it would only be videos on the net….it makes so much money….nothing more. i said what about the people in those movies, they are someone’s daughter/sister…whatever. he said they were doing a job and got paid well so not to feel bad for them. he was going to those conventions in las vegas and doing who knows what-at the same time telling me i’m a control freak, a pain in the ass, hates being married to me…all this while i was having repeated miscariages and on top opf all this saying who cares if you have a miscarriage. so. yo ucan get pregnant again what is the big deal. we already had 2 kids at the time. he would also leave me all the time saying he couldn’t take it anymore. that i was a shitty wife. he would come to see me, tell me he loves me, can he hug me…one thing would lead to another and we’d sleep together. i thought (every friggin time) that he changed his mind and realized i was a good wife. after we would sleep together he would say this doesn’t change anything-i haven’t changed my mind about us. he would leave agian i would be devestated. there are so many other things-he took away my personality, my freedom to say what and how i want in a relationship, what i can and cannot handle, my interests….everything. he lied and did whatever the hell he wanted. i really hate him. it also pisses me off that i have done everything in my power so the kids didn’t see all this. they think he is the greatest thing. i wish i could fastforward to the time in the future where i will be stronger and happier.

    broken apart

  2. going_insane Says:

    Psalm 38- David speaks to God

    I Said: I will guard my ways, lest I sin with my tongue;
    I will put a bridle on mouth, while the wicked man stands before me.
    I kept complete silence and had no comfort, my pain was even increased.
    My heart grew hot within me as I reflected, fire burst into flame: I spoke with my tongue.
    Lord, let me know my end, and what is the length of my days, that I may know how frail I am.
    Behold thou hast made my days but a short span, and my life is a nothing before thee: every man is but a breath.
    Man passes away like a mere shadow, fruitless is all his worrying; he hoards and knows not who shall enjoy these things.
    And now what can I expect, O Lord? My hope is in Thee.
    Deliver me from all my sins, make me not the reproach of the fool.
    I am dumb and open not my mouth: for thou has done it.
    Remove thy scourge from me: I am perishing under the blows of thy hand.
    By punishing man’s guilt, thou dost correct him; like a moth thou dost consume his precious life: every man is but a breath.
    Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cry, be not indifferent to my tears.
    For I am thy guest, a pilgrim like all my fathers.
    Turn thy angry eyes from me, that I may be refreshed, before I depart and be no more.


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