Putting Up Walls

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October 15, 2007

Well that was fun! I just spoke with my friend and she is having a great marriage. I guess I am a little jealous. Maybe not a little, but a lot! I guess that was my dream. Oh well it never happened. That is life. I should be happy for her, well I am. Then she was talking about her husband, that is something I miss, but not with him. Oh well, if I put it into perspective I should not be envious. It is something I have to work through. Maybe that is why I am avoiding her. Well I seem to be avoiding people in general. I am still trying to process everything. I just don’t want this to ruin my life. If I don’t deal with this now, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. So I guess I am being a bit selfish.I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but now not so much. I have too many walls up. I am developing a thick skin. It has been 4 months, which is still pretty raw. It is still so hard to believe. I wonder who he is. I have been deceived in so many ways. My friend was mourning his boyfriend of 1 month, and he said it like a death. Try being married and with someone for 7 years and mourning that death, and he was angry too. It does not even compare. Oh well , another day, then another day, then another day. Days go by so slow. I wish it was 1 year… 2008. I think I will go to bed on New Years Eve this year.

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