Here Comes The Judge!

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October 23, 2007

Today I worked for 8 hours. I felt so sick all day. My lungs hurt. My eyes hurt. I was in alot of pain, but I kept on going. When I feel sick I am no longer going to feel bad about it. That is how it is. I have a chronic condition, and that’s that! He always made me feel bad when I was sick.

Today I felt free! I hardly thought of my old life. I would not want to go back there. I remembered when we went to the Lake and he just slept all day in the room. Then when we went to the Beach, he stayed in the room and watched soccer. I look back and think that was so rude. I mean he did not even try. I then remembered again when he used to make me put up my hand to speak. Then he would pretend to be the “judge” and say “Okay, the juror with the blue shirt on, you now can have the floor” That was so degrading. I can’t imagine anyone else doing that. I stayed too long. I know now what I have always known deep inside, I never loved him.You cannot love someone like that. It was just convenience and familiarity. At this point in my life I would rather be alone. I thrive when I am on my own. I think life will be better. I need to surround myself with good people. I do not want to party, drink and go to bars. That is no longer my thing. But I also need space to figure things out.

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2 Responses to “Here Comes The Judge!”

  1. Erin D. Says:

    I stumbled upon some of your writings.
    I could not believe what i was reading…it feels as if I wrote it.
    I never loved him. He was mean, and I was alone the entire marriage. especially on vacation, where he wanted to go to bars and watch “beautiful” people.
    I would sit, and not drink, he would not look me in the eyes, he would look around at others and not talk to me. HE wondered what was wrong with me that i didn’t want a drink or to hang out with drunk strangers.
    I now know so well this was all wrong.
    When I asked him to not drink the night before our wedding….and he did….I should have stood my ground and not married the jerk.
    keep up the public battle, it helps others, thank you.
    E.D.

  2. Abused, alone - and hopeless Says:

    Its very sad for me to come to the realization that there is no help, or resources – nothing available, for when it is not a woman who is being emotionally tortured day in and day out, verbally abused and torn apart into little pieces, having every last shred of dignity and hope torn from me, cut oh so deeply to the bone until I just cannot stand it any longer but yet I stay because I am commited to “making it work” because it MUST be me — my fault. And who is it doing these things and so much more to me? A man? A husband? No. In this case, the abuse is from…my ‘wife.’ She is bitter, angry, cold, dark, manipulating, deceiptful, hurtful, and much more. No one sees the dark side of this women but me. To the outside world, she is a saint in the eyes of others. When she gets me alone, she turns into a much different person. She will not stop or even begin to slow down her cruel, nonstop emotional attacks on me long after she has already beaten me into the ground. Its not good enough for her yet. She will continue to attack me relentlessly until there is absolutely nothing left inside me – no hope, emptiness, aloneness, left beaten and emotionally crippled with no one – and I do mean no one to help me through all the pain I experience every day of my life. It never ends. It happens on the phone, and in person. No matter whee I am or what I may be doing, she will seek me out and yes, she will find me, no doubt about that. ANd when she does, it is then just the beginning of one more crippling attack on my soul. An attack that never actually ends. It is one long nonstop cycle of abuse with no end in sight. She has left me friendless. She has managed to alienate me and isolate me from my own family. I have bo one to turn to. Not that anyone would believe me anyway. I turn to the internet for resources and what do I find? A LOT of help, yes. For women who are victims at the hands of an abusive male. But just try to seek help – as an emotionally and verbally abused husband. There is NO help for us. I have never been able to find it if there is any. And I have looked, believe me – I’ve looked long and hard. In the meantime, I continue to be attacked 24/7/365. She is relentless. This never ends. She needs professional help. Prior to my writing this, I was subject to yet one more of her bitter, angry, and ruthless outbursts. Even though I must be up early in the morning for work, I know I will not be able to sleep due to this. It happens every day, and every night. I am very lucky to get an hour – maybe – just maybe two hours of restless sleep each night. Those are on the better nights. Sometimes for days on end, I do not sleep even a wink. Why? Because I am too torn up inside of me to rest. What about her? Oh yes, she attacke me really good this time. She tore me apart once again and left nothing inside of me once again tonight. She is guiltless. She feels no empathy, or compassion. She…is sleeping soundly in her bedroom in the house. We have not shared a bed in over nine years. She has not shown any love or affection to me in that long either. Or longer. I have become a prisoner in my own home. I am totally alone in my life. I have no one to turn to for help. She has turned every last ‘friend’ I ever had in my life against me. So, they are long gone. She has turned my own family against me. THey believe I am a loser now. No one in my entire family has had any contact with me for many years now. Funnt thing is…they all live within a half hour drive from me. They have not been to my home and they refuse to speak to me even if I were to try to contact them. And yes, I have tried. More than once. I live in a home in the country. A very small town in a home way out and far away from anything, or any people. She has effectively isolated me from any and all possible hope to turn to others for help. There isn’t anyone in my life to turn to for help. So, you see. It is not only women this sort of thing happens to. Yes, I am aware of the fact that men are typically the victimizers, the perpetrators of these awfu and unspeakable acts against others in their lives. Peole who at one time loved them with all their heart. People who gave their all to make it work. People who tried, and tried only to end up being abused over and over again. And for what? What was their “crime” they pay so dearly for now, and ofrever for? What was MY crime? What did I do to deserve this? I gave my love, my affection, my ndying support, my attention, my devotion and faithfulness, and I gave her my soul. She owns that now. It is hers to do whatever she feels like doing with it. I am her scapegoat for something in her very distant past. I believe I have been chosen to be the one who will pay for the things that some person, or persons have done to her so many years ago – long before we ever met. And still, I keep on trying. Deep in my heart, I know I am no different than any of the female victims of this sort of thing. Its is the same thing but the victim in this case is male. Its me. That is the only difference. And for us? We have no one to get help from. Well, I don’t at least. I know deep down that the only thing left for me to do is to wait until I get the chance to be alone for long enough at home so that I may pack up my most precious belongings – and no, I do not have a lot of them, mind you. I need the time to pack up those very few things and get in my car. Then I need to leave for a very distant place, never to be heard from or seen ever again. Never to come back to this area again. I need to do this because it is my only salvation from my abuser. My one and only way out. In trade, I will have to leave everything I own except for a bag or two of things, and some clothes – if that. But all my money, all my possessions, my home, my career, my life (what is left of it) will all have to be left behind. In short, everything I have worked long and hard for so many years now to gain will be gone for good. I will be peniless, and homeless – yes. Not unlike so many women this happens to. We are all in the same boat together.
    But, to look at a site likethis one? It is seemingly impossible that anyone reading your endless stories of women being victiized by some lame male in their lives would ever stop and think that maybe – just maybe somewhere there just be a male – yes, a male who could possibly be the victim. It is a site for women, just like every other support site I have ever encountered. Yes, it is needed by many. And I am sure it has helped many women in need. But, who do I turn to? Where do I go? I am alone in my battle. I’m 49 years old. Its not like I am in my twenties or even thirties – someone who can easily start over again in life. But what other choices do I have? None. Either that, or stay here. Two great options, huh? Either way, I lose. However, if I leave. No, when I leave that is…I will be able to find myself again – IF I am lucky enough. I know that I may very well end up alone and peniless for the remaining years I have left on this earth. But, I have no other choice except to stay and continue to be abused every day of my life.
    I know that it is almost always a male who is at fault. It is men who are abusers in all but rare instances, and this is one of those times that the roles have been reversed. The tables have been turned. Honestly, I hate men for what they are. Who they are, and what they do to women. I am so very ashamed to be a member of the “male” sex. I am disgusted about that fact. I know all too well what they are capable of doing to others. Its tragic, it really is. And it is the reality of life that men are 99.9% of the time the ones to blame. But, in my case? I am part of that remaining.01% of the ‘men’ (how I loathe that fact I am male to begin with) who are not the abusers – but rather the victim of rather extreme verbal and emotional torture at the hands of a very mean and very cruel…woman.
    Thank you for listening. I have said enough. Best wishes to all who are experiencing abuse in their lives. I truly hope you find your true selves, and can take back your lives one again. You don’t deserve any less than that. Don’t put up with it. Save yourselves. DO what you must do – but please… just do it, whatever it may be just do it. We only have one life to live on this earth. Don’t put up with anything less than what you truly deserve in life. Go out and get it. You are not alone. I may be, but you are not. There are many places and people who will help you. Take the opportunity and accept their help. Do it for yourselves. If you have children, do it for them as well. But do NOT put up with any male(s) in your life who abuse you in any way at all. You are human. You don’t deserve it. No one does. Not even me….

    God bless…


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