October 25, 2007

Today started alright. I went to play baseball with girls from work . It was so overwhelming. I had all these memories. My entire summer used to be at a baseball diamond. Why would I think this would not affect me? I then felt myself getting very angry and then felt just replaced. It still cuts at the core, and it has been 5 months now. Maybe it is because I still live in this area with my parents. But when I live by myself, will that affect me? I don’t know. I still have my cats.

I started to cry at the baseball diamond. I don’t know if it is such a good idea. I felt so lonely today. It was like I was waiting for him to appear and he never did. Then I started to think about them together, and I got so angry, even though i don’t want him. It does not make any sense. So all my marriage was worth was $20,000 . That is what I settled for to get out and try to get on with my life. Essentially that $20,000 covered only the loans he made me take out for the wedding after the fact (even though my parents payed for the wedding) and other money he kept telling me I owed him. Even with the settlement he still has left me in a financial mess.

I wish someone would tell me that he is doing horrible. That they are doing horrible. I want him, them, to feel as much pain as I have to everyday. They should not get away with it. He got away with everything.

Another day and another day and another day. Where is happiness? I just go on and on. That’s it!



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