October 27, 2007
Today I started off my day very sad. On our way to the Lake, we drove by the area we once lived. I could not breathe and I felt my chest get tighter. I had enough at that point and wanted to go home. We then stopped at the gas station. I hated it. He made me go there for the points.At this point I was in tears. I never drive down there. I just don’t. When we were at the Lake I felt so sad. I kept thinking about him, about them. I started to get very frustrated. Then I remembered the time we came to the Lake, all he did was sleep, because he didn’t want to be there. He did not want to go anywhere with my family. Sometimes I miss him and I don’t know why. Sometimes I think it is better having my old life back then it is being alone. I hate it. I am used to being with someone for 7 years, and now I have been separated for 5 months. I get so angry. he hurt me so bad. Pain I could never imagine. I did not make him happy, nothing, I did not make him happy. I guess I wanted to “spend, spend!”I did not pay him for the treadmill, fireplace, bed, computer and desk. But I bought the drapes, the couches, the table, towels, household articles. I never saw a dime of our wedding money.He gave me such a hard time about money. He made me take out that loan for $10,000 for the wedding that my parents paid for and then stole my mutual funds. I saved some money and used it for lipo. To this day I don’t know why I did that. I was in such a bad place at that time. I think when you are in such an awful marriage you do things that you would never do. He used to talk to me about money everyday, the days that he was home.
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