March 29, 2008

I have learned that if you are in a relationship, you must be treated with respect, which means your partner:

  • Is willing to compromise … not

“If I disagreed with him, he would go on and on like a broken record, until he got his way”
Often, when I disagreed with him, he would make me ” talk to the jury” and he was the judge, so I would have to raise my hand to speak and he would say” okay, the women in the black shirt you can speak now” He degraded me constantly”

  • Let’s you feel comfortable being yourself … not

“I remember that for dinner I had to arrange to sit at a table away from everyone, or he would not speak to me. He said that I embarrassed him because I talked about personal issues, and that I should talk about current events”

  • Is able to admit to being wrong …not

“He said that he was always right”

  • Tries to resolve conflict by talking honestly …not

“He would start to say the opposite that I was saying and began to disagree with me to prove a point. He then would “take a poll” with his friends and colleagues to discredit any of my thoughts or point of view.”

  • Enables you to feel safe being with him …not

“I remember, one day I was running down the parkway and broke my foot. This was about after 4 months after dating. I was in a lot of pain and he took me to his parents and placed me on the chair outside, where he left me there because he was thinking about whether he should have a shower. I was in agony and wanted pain drugs. He made fun of me for the next 6 years because I broke my ankle. He thought it was funny and it was my inadequacies that caused this to happen . He perceived it as an inconvenience”

  • Respect your feelings, your opinions and your friends …not

“When I wanted to go out with my friends, he would say “why don’t you spend time with me?” Then he started to put my friends down”.

  • Accepts you saying “no” to things you don’t want to do …not

“I told him that I did not want to go camping, He nagged me until I agreed to go. I went, hated it and fell down. He made fun of me. “‘He had our therapist and myself believe I was frigid. She was making an appointment for me at a sexual councilor. Did I tell you he always made me do things I did not want to do.”

  • Accepts you changing your mind …not

“I love the theatre and went for an audition. I was so happy when I got home and told him that I think I got the part. He said that I never stick to the plan and was upset with me that I had auditioned; because that was the night we played soccer. He ignored me during soccer, so I did not like playing. So I apologized for my behavior.”

  • Respects your wishes if you end the relationship …not

“If we had a fight and he thought possibly I would break up with him he would start crying uncontrollably saying how much he loved me and how sorry he was. He would then be so afraid to leave me and go to work, so he would call in sick . My parents thought this was strange behaviour for a 30+ year old man.”

Because when someone loves you, you feel valued, respected and free to be yourself. You should not be made to feel intimidated and controlled.



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