May 01, 2008
It has been quite a while that I have written something. It has been almost a year since my separation and I still struggle with the events of the past. I have tried many things over the year including counseling, school, joining groups, and socializing. I can honestly say that I am still very angry and hurt. I once heard that you cannot move forward and that you will continue to make the same mistakes, until you put your past behind you. That saying is very true and I can relate to it. I have been told that I am a very sad person, I try to conceal it, sometimes I am successful, other times I am not. I also try to distract myself and keep very busy, or I sleep a lot so time can pass more quickly. I still do not have an answer to “personal freedom” and am continuously looking for it. I have also tried reading some self-help books, that provide a different perspective, but that is short lived. I am so tired of feeling this way, and want it to end. I would like to happy again, like I once was. I look at old photographs of myself and I was once vibrant, pretty and had many friends. I was also very outgoing and cared deeply about others and wanted to make a positive contribution in the lives of others. The pictures that I often look at I see myself, but I do not recognize that person. I have been deeply hurt and cannot seem to be free of it. It is like I am carrying an additional 200 pounds of weight. I think that I am angry because I feel that I have lost all my dreams, that my ex took them away from me. Everyone my age, seems to have families of their own, and I don’t including my ex-husband. I wanted a family before I separated and was preparing to have kids. On one hand I am sad that it was taken away from me, on the other hand I am relieved it was not with him. I struggle with the fact that people can be so cruel to others and not feel any remorse for hurting others around them and destroying lives. I am reminded of my situation every day when I wake up in the morning. I was once told by someone, that the sun comes up every morning, so should you that life goes on. They leave a path of destruction. Why should I let a “man” ruin my life? I guess, it is hard not to feel pain, when they once promised you the world, and then abandoned you. I guess I have this problem that this person was my “husband”. I guess, it is because he adopted a family when he walked out the door and I have adopted a new beginning, that required moving away to a rural bedroom community and I am the one that has to start dating again. He did not endure any of those hardships. Also I have adopted a great feeling of loneliness and isolation. This seems to be common among divorce men and women as well, I am not an anomaly. People would not understand, unless they have experienced what it is like to not have anyone to share your bed with, and to hold you.