Still Carrying That Weight

May 01, 2008
It has been quite a while that I have written something. It has been almost a year since my separation and I still struggle with the events of the past. I have tried many things over the year including counseling, school, joining groups, and socializing. I can honestly say that I am still very angry and hurt. I once heard that you cannot move forward and that you will continue to make the same mistakes, until you put your past behind you. That saying is very true and I can relate to it. I have been told that I am a very sad person, I try to conceal it, sometimes I am successful, other times I am not. I also try to distract myself and keep very busy, or I sleep a lot so time can pass more quickly. I still do not have an answer to “personal freedom” and am continuously looking for it. I have also tried reading some self-help books, that provide a different perspective, but that is short lived. I am so tired of feeling this way, and want it to end. I would like to happy again, like I once was. I look at old photographs of myself and I was once vibrant, pretty and had many friends. I was also very outgoing and cared deeply about others and wanted to make a positive contribution in the lives of others. The pictures that I often look at I see myself, but I do not recognize that person. I have been deeply hurt and cannot seem to be free of it. It is like I am carrying an additional 200 pounds of weight. I think that I am angry because I feel that I have lost all my dreams, that my ex took them away from me. Everyone my age, seems to have families of their own, and I don’t including my ex-husband. I wanted a family before I separated and was preparing to have kids. On one hand I am sad that it was taken away from me, on the other hand I am relieved it was not with him. I struggle with the fact that people can be so cruel to others and not feel any remorse for hurting others around them and destroying lives. I am reminded of my situation every day when I wake up in the morning. I was once told by someone, that the sun comes up every morning, so should you that life goes on. They leave a path of destruction. Why should I let a “man” ruin my life? I guess, it is hard not to feel pain, when they once promised you the world, and then abandoned you. I guess I have this problem that this person was my “husband”. I guess, it is because he adopted a family when he walked out the door and I have adopted a new beginning, that required moving away to a rural bedroom community and I am the one that has to start dating again. He did not endure any of those hardships. Also I have adopted a great feeling of loneliness and isolation. This seems to be common among divorce men and women as well, I am not an anomaly. People would not understand, unless they have experienced what it is like to not have anyone to share your bed with, and to hold you.
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6 Responses to “Still Carrying That Weight”

  1. legalprison Says:

    I can empathize with you post. Either the moment defines you and stops you in your tracks, or you define the moment and you choose to move on. A friend of mine early in my serperation told me this. It annoyed me greatly at the time, but I realized if I didn’t put it behind me, I would always define myself by that moment. I went to therapy and discovered we all go through a process when something this traumatic happens to us. We struggle with our indentity because its been stripped away from us. We or more specifically me, had to re-build and re-define myself. It takes time and I feel for you.

  2. itsallabouthallie Says:

    WOW, your post really hit home. You are not alone. I was in a mentally abusive relationship. Long story but got out. I still carry the weight. I still feel the pain. Good luck, friend. I look forward to poking around your site…
    be well.

  3. flybirdyfly Says:

    I have just left an abusive relationship. I got out quickly..but even though the abuse was for 1 year, it was long enough for me to lose myself. I used to be very happy and a social butterfly. Now, I don’t know who I am.

  4. Susan Says:

    Mount Cope…your writing is beautiful, you are clearly in a great deal of pain, and need to give yourself time. Time to heal, time to think, time to rediscover yourself. Likes and dislikes. I am going through a similiar situation, in fact, in the midst of a terrible divorce that quite frankly could be amicable. And we have 3 innocent, beautiful daughters. My abusive spouse doesn’t even know what he is doing. I’m trying to come to grips, like you, with the fact that people can be so obtuse about what they are doing. it feels like a bad dream. But, I..and YOU, must realize that this is a sickness. They are not well, and where it is sad for someone with empathy and compassion, and difficult for a reasonable, rational person to accept, you are not dealing with someone who has those capabilities. You THINK you are, because by all accounts, they function well, and can “mimmick” human emotion, but make no mistake – it is not felt by them. Hard to accept, but accepting it will open you up to a new way of thinking. I’m currently obsessing, because it is so unbelievable, and I want to fix it so badly – WE CANNOT. I have a long way to go and yes, it seems laborious just to get out of bed, take a shower and go out and about your daily routine. Don’t beat yourself up. Experience your pain, surrender to it, and resign to start anew. You know what you have been through, you are filtering through what it has done to you, and I imagine you are in shock…I am in shock..it’s disconcerting, especially when you are “aware” and you KNOW what has happened..but still feel debilitated from it. It’s all okay…it will be okay. You can choose to move forward, let go of your anger, be physically active, try yoga if you have not, I am a yoga instructor, so all of my training tells me how to cope with such things, and I help numerous other people, yet in my own mind, and my own body, I hold onto such pain. It is a daily battle…I’m currently discerning between whether or not I am holding on (mentally resisting) because I have such a fear of the unknown??? I know that I have much to offer, I know that I am a blessing to others, I know that my friends love me, and even strangers can appreciate something about me. I know all these things, yet I question myself. That comes from me. You have to know who you are, Mount Cope. That girl you see in the pictures..that is YOU! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Eat well, take vitamins, drink plenty pf water, get only adequate rest…not excessive – it depletes you as much as too little. This man you want to escape – HE IS GONE…don’t hold onto the bad memories and the what ifs…it keeps you mired in the relationship as if you’d never freed yourself. You are lucky, you are out! Forgive yourself, love yourself, give yourself the gift of knowing that he can no longer touch you physically, harm you emotionally, or get into that place deep inside that he is not worthy of. He is not worthy to be inside that place, Mount Cope, he has no right to be there. YOU CONTINUE TO GIVE HIM ACCESS AND POWER and he doesn’t deserve it. Cultivate that girl you knew…do things she used to do, call the friends she used to know. See beauty in the trees, the grass, the birds, observe them for the entire day…you will see that regardless of what goes on around them, they still stand, they still sing..seasons change, they wither, but they come back…they always come back….and they give you joy. I know it sounds a little corny, but you are no differnet, okay. You feel dead right now, withered, BUT let the sun in….LET IT IN!!! I tell myself these same words. Does that mean I feel it everyday, no. But you are a beautiful soul, and you know it!! Don’t question it. Live your life, be kind to yourself, and know that one day you will be transformed from this. You can’t see ahead, and you shouldn’t try to – be present, notice how you feel, but don’t attach horrendous stories to everything…we create dramatic scenery when we think of things all the time. Hell, my thoughts have thoughts…let go…follow your breath, rest your mind in the space where your inhale meets your exhale, breathe fully, and meditate in that space…notice how empty your lungs become when you fully exhale, then notice how full they become when you inhale…follow it, rest there, and know that no matter how empty you become, you WILL be filled up again… think of the trees, think of the birds, think of the waves of the ocean…think of anything but regret and sadness….he doesn’t deserve another ounce of your beautiful mind!!! You are NOT alone….You are wrapped in the love of the universe, and you are under the most beautiful sky, the one that joins us all, take the beautiful energy, breathe it in, and pay your beautiful, strong,soul forward.
    Namaste,
    Susan

  5. mountcope Says:

    Susan,
    Thank you so much for your beautiful words of encouragement.

    Mount Cope

  6. Susan Says:

    Mount Cope, I have still been thinking about you. I told you I was obsessing over my situation, as well. The mind is a powerful thing. I do not have all the answers. It’s a matter of reprogramming and that takes due process. I was wondering if you have read and studied up on Narcissism? Wow, that really has helped me to realize that I am not dealing with someone who has any of the normal capabilities of human emotion. It basically falls on you, the victim, to understand that it’s not your fault, you can’t fix it, you can’t reason, you won’t get an apology or closure from your abusive mate. I have to say, where it is a constant struggle, and I am full of disbelief..it does help me to know that I should NEVER expect that. IT WON’T HAPPEN. You just struck me as such an interesting person, very reflective and very smart. I don’t know where you live or what your profession is, but I have a feeling you could really do a lot of great things. Perhaps you could counsel and work with others; write a book?? I am not sure what draws me to your situation, other than “misery loving company??”..LOL…I just wanted to throw that out there about emotional abusers, and narcissim. The more you understand about the minds of one, you will realize that the burden falls on you, and any expectations from them, any show of remorse…it won’t happen. Also, don’t fantasize about his current situation (i.e relationship) because it is not like it is in your head! I don’t know, maybe you’ve been thinking of something…someway to be productive and impactful..and your FEAR is holding you back. Something is telling me to let you know that you CAN and MUST do it. You have great things in store for you and it is a result of what you’ve been through. And, as “macabre” as that sounds..it should make you very grateful!! You will see. Don’t let fear paralyze you anymore.
    My sincerest wishes!!
    Susan


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