I Will Find You!


“An emotional abuser sees himself as a blameless victim, and denies his own provocative behavior, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that a partner left him, or threw him out, “after all the things I did for her”… The emotional abuser will play up the “pathos” in an attempt to garner sympathy, all the while, continuing to stalk his ex, making jokes about things he could do to upset her, and invading her personal space and boundaries at social functions.

Like physical abusers, emotional abusers will often stalk their former partners. The stalker’s objective is often to control her through cultivating fear rather than making direct or specific threats, or confronting the her. Sometimes this stalking can take the form of simply moving into the same neighborhood as a former partner, and letting her know, through friends, where he is living. His move into her neighborhood will be “justified” by him for some specious reason, but the reality is, he can’t let go and is still trying to control her and inflict pain on her after the relationship is over. This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up. She will know that she might run into him at the local convenience store, gas station, supermarket, or on a walk. He is, in effect, pissing on her boundaries (something abusers have no respect for) and trying to make them his own. He may even begin dating someone who lives very close to her, so that he has an excuse to go by her house, or park his car nearby.

Ex-partners of abusers will often express fear of their abuser, and will have no desire to be anywhere near the abuser. On the other hand, the abuser may try to appear as if he is calm, rational, and still supportive of his ex-partner, despite the fact that he will also express the opinion that he believes she is quite unstable. He will make statements such as saying that he “bears her no ill-will”, etc., but then will show no respect for her boundaries or her requests for him to stay away from her. The abuser will still inquire with friends as to how she is doing, implying that his inquiry is because he cares about her – he does care – about retaining those last vestiges of control, even after the breakup. What he really wants to know is if she is suffering or doing badly, because that feeds his sick ego. He feels best when he puts other people in as much pain as he is in.”  Natalie P


4 Responses to “I Will Find You!”

  1. Anaïs Says:

    I just posted about my experience with this kind of abuse. I finely have opened up about my turmoil that still nags me. Sometimes, I still feel at fault for what happened, but I am learning to heal, however slowly it may be before I feel free again. I will definitely be back to check out the rest of this blog.


  2. Jamie Townsend Says:

    I have lived, breathed, dreamed, and sur-come this exact exact behavior by my recent ex-husband, and I still struggle to be in love with him and seek his approval for everything? He still to this day sees no fault in himself only in me! For the 1st 6 years of our marriage he was an alcoholic/addict then the last 5 he was a “dry drunk”. I am struggling!!! I feel such a sense of “no self worth”! I feel lost in life and unable to move on, even though i have taken the step to separate myself from him to the best of my ability! Any advice, wisdom, ideas, etc…. would be greatly appreciated!!!

  3. Chris Tucker Says:

    I respectfully disagree.
    While there are some people who are emotional abusers, some good people were flat out USED by players and clever manipulators.
    These women use the domestic violence laws to ratonalize and enforce their manipulations.
    “He was emotionally abusive” is a commonly heard phrase from these women.
    They use men, and when they are done with us, call the police to end the relationship, as they look for new meat.

    There are women who are professional victims.
    These women have learned how to use restraining orders to get their own way, and punish those of us men who were good to them.

    Hurt, confused, and bewildered, many of us Men desperately try to hold on to our relationships.
    In desperation, we sometimes are so stupid as to violate restraining orders.
    People sometimes do strange things when they are in Love.

    Just wanted to add my two cents worth, FWIW

    • Elizabeth Says:

      Awwww, you poooor pooor man. I get it, you’re violating a restraining order out of desperation! Oh, and you’re just a poor widdle hurt, confused, and bewildered man when you violate her boundaries once again. Aboohoohoo *sniffle* waaaaaaaahhhhh. Hey there, sweetie- chin up. Sometimes when you’re in love with a woman you HAVE to harass her. I understand.

      I also have a gun to protect myself from my ex, who was an insane, emotionally abusive piece of trash.

      Go to hell.

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