December 28, 2007
How to Help Yourself
I realize that I have been writing about pain and suffering, but there have been some positive things in my life that has changed over the last 9 months. In Mount Cope, I used to be alone in my house starring out of the window, wishing life would be better. Since I have been on my own, I noticed that there really is no difference. He was never home and when he was he was always criticizing or patronizing me about what I was not doing right, and finances was a topic of conversation everyday. I used to run to the bedroom and pretend I was sleeping when I saw him coming down the street, I guess that was a coping strategy. But I ask myself, why do I grieve so much and cannot find happiness.?
I went to speak to a counselor at a women’s shelter and she explained that they control you so much, that often times women cannot think for themselves. I then asked her, “what happens to people like me”? She said that for the most part, we become immobilized and cannot function. As a result we quit our jobs and seek government financial assistance. That is truly sad. Abusers are so good at what they do that they do succeed in destroying lives. I ask myself, how fair is that? Women who loved the wrong man, and who shared the same hopes and dreams as everyone else are being punished. Their wounds are so deep that, there are not enough bandages to heal the invisible wounds. I also, realized throughout my conversation with her that I am blessed. I have a good job, and can live well independently. What about women who relied on their partners/husbands income for support? I also, have a wonderful security system. But what about the women, who are hiding from their abuser and cannot afford a security system in their home to protect themselves and their children? I think all people want to believe that this would never happen to them, but they are wrong. As women, we love too much and too hard and are intrinsically forgiving and nurturing and hang on to our dreams so tightly that we will forgive easily. I guess my mom started this blog and took excerpts from my journal to help other women (I gave her permission)
When I first received my dose of reality 9 months ago, I remember I wanted to read anything to validate what I was going through and was little that I found that spoke the truth, from a survivors perspective. I hope that this is helping women out there. I particularly enjoy reading the comments, because they give me hope and give others hope. Like I said recently, I am particularly fortunate, I am also fortunate because I am a researcher and my expertise is in Health, I know where I can get help and access my resources. So I thought that I would share some resources and some helpful tips that have helped me get through each day.
Things you can do for yourself
- Write a list of what you do well and that you feel happy doing and just do it. For example I love the threatre and have been in 2 shows and went back to school
- Go to the women shelter in your area. They have a lot of resources and personal counseling services that are free of charge, and they are safe. You do not have to stay there to use their services
- If you are feeling overwhelmed, call a crisis hotline. They will listen to you and ground you. You can call as often as you like and it is confidential. You do not have to be physically abused to access this service, you can just be feeling really bad and want someone who understands to listen to you
- In your new space, make it your own, even if it is a new picture, plant ect. Be creative
- Read. Read and Read. Educate yourself on domestic violence, this will help you understand what you are going through
- Remember you are not alone. There are many people like you out there, and its not your fault you are in this situation, just be thank-you you are out. The longer you stayed, the worse it would have been. Don’t kid yourself.
- Eat healthy, and stay active. Do not neglect yourself. He wants to keep controlling you, don’t let him. It’s your turn to recapture your life and self.
- Journal. Journal and Journal. Although do not do this at night, nightmare can be a product of journaling, because that was the last thing on your mind
- Massage may be also nice to some.
- Pets are wonderful. Use them, and if you do not have one you may consider adopting one they need love, as much as you do Next …
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