How To Help Yourself


December 28, 2007

How to Help Yourself

I realize that I have been writing about pain and suffering, but there have been some positive things in my life that has changed over the last 9 months. In Mount Cope, I used to be alone in my house starring out of the window, wishing life would be better. Since I have been on my own, I noticed that there really is no difference. He was never home and when he was he was always criticizing or patronizing me about what I was not doing right, and finances was a topic of conversation everyday. I used to run to the bedroom and pretend I was sleeping when I saw him coming down the street, I guess that was a coping strategy. But I ask myself, why do I grieve so much and cannot find happiness.?

I went to speak to a counselor at a women’s shelter and she explained that they control you so much, that often times women cannot think for themselves. I then asked her, “what happens to people like me”? She said that for the most part, we become immobilized and cannot function. As a result we quit our jobs and seek government financial assistance. That is truly sad. Abusers are so good at what they do that they do succeed in destroying lives. I ask myself, how fair is that? Women who loved the wrong man, and who shared the same hopes and dreams as everyone else are being punished. Their wounds are so deep that, there are not enough bandages to heal the invisible wounds. I also, realized throughout my conversation with her that I am blessed. I have a good job, and can live well independently. What about women who relied on their partners/husbands income for support? I also, have a wonderful security system. But what about the women, who are hiding from their abuser and cannot afford a security system in their home to protect themselves and their children? I think all people want to believe that this would never happen to them, but they are wrong. As women, we love too much and too hard and are intrinsically forgiving and nurturing and hang on to our dreams so tightly that we will forgive easily. I guess my mom started this blog and took excerpts from my journal to help other women (I gave her permission)

When I first received my dose of reality 9 months ago, I remember I wanted to read anything to validate what I was going through and was little that I found that spoke the truth, from a survivors perspective. I hope that this is helping women out there. I particularly enjoy reading the comments, because they give me hope and give others hope. Like I said recently, I am particularly fortunate, I am also fortunate because I am a researcher and my expertise is in Health, I know where I can get help and access my resources. So I thought that I would share some resources and some helpful tips that have helped me get through each day.

Things you can do for yourself

  • Write a list of what you do well and that you feel happy doing and just do it. For example I love the threatre and have been in 2 shows and went back to school
  • Go to the women shelter in your area. They have a lot of resources and personal counseling services that are free of charge, and they are safe. You do not have to stay there to use their services
  • If you are feeling overwhelmed, call a crisis hotline. They will listen to you and ground you. You can call as often as you like and it is confidential. You do not have to be physically abused to access this service, you can just be feeling really bad and want someone who understands to listen to you
  • In your new space, make it your own, even if it is a new picture, plant ect. Be creative
  • Read. Read and Read. Educate yourself on domestic violence, this will help you understand what you are going through
  • Remember you are not alone. There are many people like you out there, and its not your fault you are in this situation, just be thank-you you are out. The longer you stayed, the worse it would have been. Don’t kid yourself.
  • Eat healthy, and stay active. Do not neglect yourself. He wants to keep controlling you, don’t let him. It’s your turn to recapture your life and self.
  • Journal. Journal and Journal. Although do not do this at night, nightmare can be a product of journaling, because that was the last thing on your mind
  • Massage may be also nice to some.
  • Pets are wonderful. Use them, and if you do not have one you may consider adopting one they need love, as much as you do  Next …



10 Responses to “How To Help Yourself”

  1. Jolene Says:

    I’m beside myself as to how I can learn to stop this cycle of abuse. I had my husband arrested again for violating an order for protection and he was drunk and verbally abusive again. Our marriage is over I know that now; I just need to learn how I put closure on this relationship and him. I am glad that my daughter will be having her baby soon so I have that to look forward to. Thanks for letting me vent some.

  2. jacqui Says:

    I’m alone in my house staring out the window at this very moment. I am immobilized and cannot function. You described it so perfectly… scary.

    7 1/2 years of this crap! That’s it. I’m getting off my ass and going to inflate my exercise ball. Then I’m joining the martial arts club down the road. I can’t WAIT to meet my lawyer. The sleeping giant has arisen. My STBX is in for a surprise. My children are going to look up to me one day. I want to be the strong person I used to be again.

  3. Marsha Says:

    I have been married to an abuser for 22years now. I should have seen it coming before we married he was a possessive, controlling jerk. He beat me even before we married. The emotional abuse was the worse though, he was always trying to alter my reality and rejected me constantly. He rejected me sexually, which left me feeling like the ugliest woman in the world. He always made me feel worthless. I left a year ago and filed for divorce twice. The first time he convinced me it wasn’t right, this time the papers will stay until the divorce is final! I too had to get a restraining order. He was physically and verbally abusive to me. He called me on the phone, 2nd violation of the restraining order, and I was on the side of the road in my car crying, a police officer came by and asked if I was ok. I let him listen to my husband calling me a slut, whore, cunt, you name it. The officer wrote me a note and told me to keep him on the line while he went and arrest him. The officer called me back later that day and said you should never have to put up with someone treating you that way! IT”S ABUSE!!!!!
    Finally someone validated me and believed what I was saying because he heard him in action.
    That was just the tip of the iceberg, he was cruel beyond belief, then he would by me flowers or send me cards, just to confuse me more. But I hear that’s common among abusers. Anyhow, thanks for this sight. I visit it daily. Marsha

  4. mountcope Says:

    Thank you very much for sharing your story. Your courage and strength will help others who come to this site. Remember,you are a beautiful person who deserves to be treated with love and respect, always. Stay strong and safe.

    Mount Cope

  5. Janine Says:

    Hi my name is janine from australia, i never go on line as i dont own a computer. But need to understand why this is happening? Knowledge is power in this…So reading other peoples experiences helps me get it through my head that i am not going insane!!!! This has been such a lonely time for me. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship now for 3yrs. Well of course it didnt start out that way prince charming at first! But then the control started, the neglect, emotionally unavailable, cold distant unless he was off his face on drugs, which in itself is a problem. Everything being about him never me.
    The put downs especially after a compliment from anyone especially a male. The virbal put downs have wounded me so deeply words cannot express the damage. I have no self esteem left because of this person. We dont live together so the dynamic is different i guess to someone in my situation who does, but yet he would still manage to control me over and over. One example of this is he would check what i was doing on a friday or saturday nite, if i was staying at home that satisfied him and he would either choose to catch up of no which left me feeling uncertain all the time. If i tried contacting him his phone was either off or “left in the car” or some other lame excuse. However if i was out with my girlfriends for a nite he would keep calling and texting. To stop me from going out if he wanted to do something without me he would tell me he was coming over to keep me at home waiting, and then not show up! The list goes on and on….I ran away to a friends house two nites ago because he had lied to me and i had caught him out on it. When i asked him to leave he wouldnt so i waited for him to go to sleep and i left. I have not responded to any texts or phone calls. Its hard because i really did/do love him, but i hate him exually as much does that make sense? is that normal?? I feel hurt broken tired and confussed. I have 3 beautiful children that are from a previous marriage that need me to be strong. But i am dipleted. Thank you for your website it has been some comfort

  6. feelingalone Says:

    Thanks this is hard for me. Getting help now.

  7. Julie Says:

    I was with who i believed to be the love of my life for 6 years. I Had my waring signs but didnt take them so i feel this is all my fault why i’m feeling like i am now. It started when we became a item, he was controlong from the start really. Id have to go and see him most of the time as we lived 49 miles apart and he worked and his car was playing up.
    He didnt have a lot of money so i felt i had to pay for things when i was’nt working either but could control my money better been a mum of one. I remember my first warning sign must of been 3 months in it. We went out drinking one night, we came home he went to the toilet and missed and i laughted. He then tunred around and started laying into me saying who did i think i was laughting at him then started to put me down i had no job ect this went on for hours. I should of walked away then, i didnt…. things were ok again for a few months. Then he said lets try for a baby. So i agreed. He started to go distant on me after been preganat for two months so my gut said seach and there i found him on sites saying he was single and he was online. I questioned him about it as i had seen this girl fliuting with him on a network site we were both on. He said hed just got a email from the site so i went on it to close it down, Which i new was a lie as i had cheaked it for 45 mins. He had said i was the one he wanted and only me. Beeen pregnant and needy i let it slip oh god i must of been so weak already. A few other times he was very abusive when i had said why haddnt he called or messaged me back about a question for hours or why haddnt he called when he said he would. he would shout and put me down,He was for ever giving me little digs and id get upset and hed say it was only a joke, as hed always did the whole way though, He wansnt one of these men that sent flowers and cards. Two weeks before our son was born he said he would move in after months of my asking him too. Yes i know more warning signs but he always had a excuse, but saying that didnt mean i he didnt love me.
    Within the first 3 months of our son been born he had become so distant with me. And when i needed him so much started to question things yet again. he started puting me down little digs at first then the nights of toatal break downs where hes just kick off at me asking why he hadnt called. one night thowing the babys car seat at me,
    I hear you all saying why didnt i get out then. I dont know to be honest i guess it was because i was so hooked up in the living together and family thing growing up in single perent home.He then moved to his perents as he wouldnt pay for anything. Just give me the odd amount of money for food saying he couldnt afford to pay the bills. For the next four years any time i would say why haddnt he called he’d be off for weeks and months putting me down and calliing me names, I guess while meeting other women, which didnt work out, as i hasnt rushed off with anyone else hed email after a few months and say i knew you were the right woman to have my first child with and im sorry i didnt show you. So i would take him back each time. After this last spilt off 8 weeks after nearly 6 years off togther hed been even more horrible to me major put downs. saying i beeter stop ranting because i questioned about late calls and not even replying to things. I went looking found a new name he had given hmself and knew hed used that for his email account went looking and ther it was in black and white while still been with me, He had been seeing this woman who was buying him things.. I knew he had someone else id said to him and he kept calling me names and that i was this poriond bitch always accuing him off stuff. When i found out i text him and he just said with a care in the world well its up to me what i do in my own time. i knew then i couldnt take him back. Two weeks since and i have texted him asking why while been drunk. He just demands me to take all the responceabily of it all breaking down which i wont as far as i he cause me to feel very insercue. it takes two as i see it. I was wrong to keep accusing him and going on about the missed calls and thing but his cheating i feel made me insercue with him been distant. I dont know still confused.

  8. freedom#1 Says:

    I’ve been married to an emotionally abusive man for fourteen years. Like most he started off charming andi ignored all the red flags. The abuse started within 3 months of meeting and continued save for the honeymoon periods that have all but disappeared. He is a police officer which adds its own challenges. He presents like mr wonderful in public and is a controlling manipulator behind closed doors. The crazy making is unbearable. I’m realizing now what he’s done to me and am preparing to leave. When I feel weak or question what I’m doing I remind myself of all the things he’s done. I know I’ll die if I stay in this marriage..literally or figuratively. It takes strength and support to leave. My heart goes out to other women who are or have been in this type of chaos. Keep looking forward…

  9. katy Says:

    Well today he finally walked out think he was in shock I finally found my voice how dare he say I can’t cope and I am weak. As I tried to talk to him to salvage our marriage tell how I feel he kept twisting everything, I kept reflecting on your article thankyou it’s been such a help I now know its not me or our children but him I will just take one day at a time but with my children who are now adults I will get through this again thanks you for showing me I’m not mad

  10. mountcope Says:

    God Bless you Katy. You are a very strong woman, please make sure you take care of yourself and your children. There are also woman’s groups that can help you get back everything that he took away from you. Don’t hesitate contacting your local woman’s shelter so they may help to steer you in the right direction to regain your life back.

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