Consciousness

June12, 2007

I felt like I needed to write. I am so depressed. It is hard to be at work. It is keeping me busy, but the job is isolating and that does not help. Every time I breathe it hurts. Is it the sleeping pills? I thought they were not strong enough. They are the only thing that gets me through the day, because it takes the pain away a bit.

I left a card and memories of us on the table thinking he might come to the house. He did. He called me at work to thank me for the card and then said some hurtful things. I could not stop crying at work so I left early and drove to find him. I went to his moms. I told her my marriage was failing and that we have been separated for a week and I wanted him to come home. She called him and when he walked into the door he did not look at me. He was so angry. During the past week he has been building resentment toward me. Our conversation did not go well. He blames me for everything. He was detached from me, like there was no emotion.He then talked about unresolved issues. He said that I was alone but he was trying to build a future for us.

While I was married to him , he did not make me happy, I wanted so much to get out of the marriage. He hurt me so many times. Like he did today. He treated me like I was a kid, and he had all the control. He told me he did not want to have kids. He did not care what I had to say. It was like his decision. Why am I so sad? I want to be strong and not feel like a bad person. I asked him to come home and he said that I had to stick with the plan. Although his message says something else, I think I NEED HELP! I think I have been in a controlling relationship, and need to talk to someone about power and control.

Maybe my life will get better. This house is so empty and so sad! I keep telling myself ; Love thyself!

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