Ouch! I Have Lost Myself Again – Part Two

lost myself 11

continued from:  Ouch! I Have Lost Myself Again

Not long after I met  Dan, I got pneumonia and was in bed  for 1 month. Subsequently, I  did not feel well for several months after. He told me that I am going about my treatment all wrong and that I should get off my medication and talk to his Naturopath. He went further to say that I did not have pneumonia or asthma and that he could not support me. As I am writing this reflection, I now realize that I should have left sooner

As the months passed, I started to get mixed messages, Dan would say that he loved me and treated me with respect in public, but in private he would be hard on me, and tell me that it is for my own good, because I am to sensitive and people will take advantage of me. He admitted doing this intentionally. For example, I work for public health, whereas he works in the private sector at a law firm. On the phone he would often talk negatively about public health and referred to staff as lazy and incompetent. This was my workplace, a place in which I am proud to go to work each day.

We decided to go on a cruise in Feb. I remember that he wanted to go to Florida, and I could not afford it, so he was put off by me and referred to me as a “pain in the ass”. He always had to get his own way. The night before the flight, we decided to stay overnight in a hotel by the airport. I remember being totally exhausted that night. I had worked all day and had been running around the night before.  I remember I approached the front desk and was so exhausted that I could not articulate very well to the front desk clerk. He told me that I embarrassed him and walked in front of me and would not even look at me. He then said that I should have been more organized, and that he was frustrated with me. I think, if he cared about me, he should of recognized that their was something wrong, and ask me if I was alright. I remember feeling that I wanted to go home, but thought it will get better in the morning. I was always trying to please him, and I felt like I could do nothing right.

We went on the cruise and had an okay time. He was moody at times and I was tired of always trying to make him happy. At the end the cruise we went to the airport to check in our bags, and I was told that my luggage was overweight. So I was told to move some clothes from my luggage to my carry on. I did this, while people were watching in line. I was so embarrassed. I asked for Dan’s help, and he yelled at me saying that I told you that you packed to much and looked at me with utter disgust.

When we got back from vacation there were good times and bad times, depending on his mood. He was often frustrated from work and I learned quickly that I could only talk to him when he calls me, or else he might be hard on me or say something hurtful. He reminded me on a daily basis that I was needy and sensitive. I am definitely not needy. How can I be needy, when  I only saw him twice a week. He then started to lash out more, not just with me but with others around him. He threatened to sue a friend, and was rude to several colleagues and complete strangers. He started to put me down and say that my clothes were old, that I have gained weight since we started dating and that the dress I wore was not flattering. He referred to me as his little quarterback, since I have big arms. He also thought that I was controlling. This is not the case. He stopped going to church with me, would not visit my parents because it was not fair of me to ask him to do so because he was really tired from work and needed some personal time, and that I should understand. He then started to talk more openly with me and became very insensitive to my needs. We would go for walks and he would tell me that he is going to move farther away from me, because he wanted to be close to his job, but at the same token he told me that he loved me. He then would say, “why should men be pressured to have children with a women in her mid 30’s, it is her fault she did not have kids early in life”. Did I mention that I am in my mid 30’s and want children of my own. He also said to me one evening, that he is totally exhausted and that he has a tendency to drop everything, including his girlfriends, and that he has done this in the past. Meanwhile, throughout all of this he was courting me, buying me gifts, saying sweat nothings and would be very respectful at times. He was constantly giving me mixed messages. I felt that I was walking on eggshells. I guess I could not figure out, why someone that is perceived as sweet, kind and giving could be so mean. He would often tell me stories of him lashing out at others, but I guess I had difficulty believing him, or I did not want to believe him.

We continued to date on a very regimental schedule and I noticed when I deviated from his schedule he would give me a hard time. One morning after having a disagreement with my mother, I called him for support at 12:00 rather than 9:00 in the evening. I told him that I was upset. He showed no empathy, instead it seemed like I was inconveniencing him. He told me that Saturday night, he tested me, whether I was going to pay the bill at the restaurant. I have paid the bill in the past and took him away on vacation, and bought him and his family gifts. He then went on to say that I am a freeloader and that he needs to continue to be hard on me, because I am too sensitive and that I need to learn a lesson. He then said that he told me that he was an asshole at the beginning of the relationship, and therefore this justifies his behavior. He was very cold and continued to yell and then threatened to break up with me if I hang up the phone. Lets just say, that I have not talked to him since, and decided to break off the relationship.

So here I go again. I hate dating, but on the flip side I want what everyone else has a family of my own. I get so angry sometimes, because I wonder why I can’t have a family and move on with my life. All my friends have children and are married, and I am left behind. What did I do to deserve this fate? I loved too much and trusted too much.

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6 Responses to “Ouch! I Have Lost Myself Again – Part Two”

  1. Thinkingwoman Says:

    I feel so bad for you, your situation sounds so much like mine! I put off having children in my relationships because I kept getting into abusive, controlling ones. It was like, by not having children, I was at least making it easier for me to leave if I had to (although it wasn’t a conscious thing you must understand). Now I am 45, single and childless and it makes me sad sometimes because I know I will probably never have kids now but I just try not to think about it. I am glad, however, that I didn’t bring kids into this world in any of my previous relationships because it would have been hell for them – and worse for me.
    This may seem trivial to many but I have made up for it, in a small way, by keeping animals most of my life: horses, dogs, cats etc. (not all at once – I currently have a dog). And I got good at it. I am a very good animal parent. I take good care of them, love them but also have learned to treat them like animals (not like child substitutes). I take comfort when people stop me when I am out walking my dog and tell me how well behaved he is and how healthy he looks. It’s not the same as having children but it gives me some comfort.
    I am also learning so much about myself in regard to men. I have been reading the journals I kept throughout my abusive relationship, which has been tough but also enlightening. I have realised how ‘needy’ I was in terms of needing to be accepted by others, specifically my father, society, my husband, his family and how that played a huge part in blinding me to the abuse. I thought I needed to be loved but actually I needed to conform to what others considered ‘acceptable’ and for me that ultimately meant compromising myself and bending to the wishes of others. I have seen my whole life how I have completely and utterly ignored my own needs and put those of others way ahead – always! And, again, not a conscious thing. This has been my habit and it is soooooo hard to change but I know I must change it in order to move past this and get the life – and the relationship – I want.
    My mother did this when she was diagnosed with cancer. Prior to that she had been one of the most kind and giving people on the planet. It seemed like (almost overnight) she became quite selfish and started doing more stuff that she wanted. I remember it was quite hard to come to terms with as a child. I had been so used to her being there for me and then suddenly it seemed I was there for her. My Dad found it hard too. But in a sense I am glad she did it because she got to live the life she had always wanted to for a few years before she died – and that’s great. Perhaps this is our ‘epiphany’. Perhaps now is the time for us to start saying “no” and “I want”.

    • Jacquie Says:

      Oh my gosh I cant believe it. Its my life too girls.
      What the hell?
      I so thought I had learned a great lesson and I went and trusted and fell very hard for another one. One who seemed so sweet, kind and importantly self aware in the beginning. Eventually I saw the signs but I dismissed them. First one being he hangs up on me…. for nothing.
      It then turned to testing me to see if I would “be there” for him. When I didn’t measure up to his expectations…which were impossible because its all related to his childhood baggage I was to blame. It just got worse yet I wanted to make it work….what was I thinking.
      I am now hurting because I am angry at myself for taking the head games and allowing myself to be emotionally drained once more.
      Thanks for allowing me to share…..

  2. Susan Says:

    Hello Girls,

    It is early in the AM and I am reading this website for a reason. I am currently in a relationship, where I know that there is some verbal and emotional abuse and it is probably time to “Let Go”. It is so hard to let go of someone you have fallen in love with. I am 42 yrs. old and I haven’t met someone in a long time who I have fallen in love with. I have given this man in this dating relationship the benefit of the doubt. There are days that things are beautiful. There are days, I feel my spirit and soul are broken and I wonder why I am staying. The loneliness, fear and thinking of being out in the dating world again and missing the % of the good in him…hurts me to my core. I sat by myself earlier tonight and did yoga, meditated and read some affirmations while in nature. I could feel my spirit and feel a part of myself again. I then later got on the phone with him and I could slowly feel my spirit die slightly by the end of the conversation and this is a realization to me. I am going to give this man one more try by showing my love, my confidence, my strength and back off and see if there is any changes. If there isn’t…then it is time for ME and not time for any MAN at this time of my life. I appreciate you sharing your comments because it tells me that people can move on and gives me hope in the direction if I decide to leave this relationship. I know we can all make new choices each day…I thank you for your comments.

  3. Janine Says:

    Hi my name is janine from australia, i never go on line as i dont own a computer. But need to understand why this is happening? Knowledge is power in this…So reading other peoples experiences helps me get it through my head that i am not going insane!!!! This has been such a lonely time for me. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship now for 3yrs. Well of course it didnt start out that way prince charming at first! But then the control started, the neglect, emotionally unavailable, cold distant unless he was off his face on drugs, which in itself is a problem. Everything being about him never me.
    The put downs especially after a compliment from anyone especially a male. The virbal put downs have wounded me so deeply words cannot express the damage. I have no self esteem left because of this person. We dont live together so the dynamic is different i guess to someone in my situation who does, but yet he would still manage to control me over and over. One example of this is he would check what i was doing on a friday or saturday nite, if i was staying at home that satisfied him and he would either choose to catch up of no which left me feeling uncertain all the time. If i tried contacting him his phone was either off or “left in the car” or some other lame excuse. However if i was out with my girlfriends for a nite he would keep calling and texting. To stop me from going out if he wanted to do something without me he would tell me he was coming over to keep me at home waiting, and then not show up! The list goes on and on….I ran away to a friends house two nites ago because he had lied to me and i had caught him out on it. When i asked him to leave he wouldnt so i waited for him to go to sleep and i left. I have not responded to any texts or phone calls. Its hard because i really did/do love him, but i hate him exually as much does that make sense? is that normal?? I feel hurt broken tired and confussed. I have 3 beautiful children that are from a previous marriage that need me to be strong. But i am dipleted. Thank you for your website it has been some comfort

  4. Carolynwho Says:

    Oh yes, I do know…I have gone from onE MARRIAGE TO ANOTHER TO ANOTHER AND ON AND ON. Now I am 56 and I am glad I have the children and yet I feel so bad because I cannot give them a healthy mother. Yes I am in a marriage and I can’t believe what I did….I am so stupid…I don’t know what to do. I am praying because I need God to help me….I am so dumb to keep going for the men that hurt me and yet I reject the ones that are good to me. Please…break the cycle if you can for your sake and your childrens………….

  5. Christine Says:

    He is controlling. When he said you were, he was projecting himself onto you. End the relationship.


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