Know Yourself!

June 17, 2008

I am starting to look back at my relationship, with a different perspective. I know that it was a horrible marriage and he was abusive toward me. I was recently explained, that the “abuser” has a “we” plan and if you deviate from his “we” plan, than he will start to treat you poorly and become abusive. He wants you to think like him, and conform to his ideologies, beliefs, values, and behavior. During, this time, you begin to lose your sense of self, and start conforming to what he wants you to become, “an image of himself”. It took over 1 year to realize that there is nothing wrong with me, just because I am not like him. I learned this just recently after dating several men. They were all very different, and none were alike. Some liked to golf and like sports, and on the other hand some liked boating and riding motorcycles. I am learning to embrace myself, and at the same time learning more about myself everyday. No one is no longer telling me “who I am”, instead I am defining who I am. Do you know who you are?

Happy Father’s Day; I Will Pray For You Tonight

June 15, 2008

Today is Father’s Day, and I find myself wondering what “they” are doing. I find that I do this more on a holiday or a “special” day. Although, there is an apparent difference between this year and last year, I no longer find myself obsessing about it but rather thinking about it occasionally and at the same time enjoying the company of my family. So, with each passing year, I can honestly say that it gets easier. I had an epiphany this week; I started to feel sorry for his girlfriend. I began to realize that she must have been in a very bad place to pursue or be manipulated by a married man. I have held on to so much anger this past year and I do no want to carry the weight any longer. I was carrying “their” unhappiness, and now want to be set free. I am not responsible for their actions and their lives, so why should I carry their burden. In fact, I can honestly say that they are both strangers to me. I do not know them, and if I had a choice, would not want to be acquainted with either of them. But, the simple truth is that had a major impact in my life that I will never forget. I think about it everyday. I wonder if I will meet her one day. I asked the same question this year, and finally got a response. Why would someone pursue a married man then buy part of the matrimonial home, after dating him for 6 months or so. The answer is, “romantic love”. This is a time when we think we are falling in love with someone, and will do anything, like buy a home together, get married etc. Unfortunately, romantic love disappears and it is at this time that you find yourself in a relationship, good or bad. I don’t know what it is like for her, but if she was living my life she can have it. I am starting to pray for them both, and am trying to forgive them, with each passing day, so that I can live a full and rich life and be able to move on.

My Job Now – Dating?

June 10,2008

Everyday, I find myself in new places or meeting new people. I do not know what the next day is going to bring. I just came back from a conference in Halifax on health, although it was very interesting and stimulating, I found myself to be incredibly lonely. This was the second time, I traveled without a companion. I have learned that I am able to travel by myself, but now feel the need to share my experience with someone else. I decided to date again. I am trying a different approach to dating. I no longer date one person and feel obligated to continue dating that person for several years, instead I date several people and tell them that I am looking for friendship first. Maybe if they are lucky I will give them a kiss, but that is as far as it will go. I am no longer going to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have been on several dates in the past few weeks. I must admit, that it is starting to feel like work. Basically, I interview someone over the course of 2 hours to see if I would want to pursue a second date. I noticed that the people who I am attracted to share something in common with me, or reflect one of my personality traits. The first man I went on a date with was intelligent, worked in the Health Care Field and was a good communicator. The second person was a bit of a “bad boy” and loved the outside. However, he told me that his brother was in jail, so I thought it best not to have a second date. The third man loved the theatre and acted in several plays, like myself. But he was extremely negative and was living with a pregnant girl that was not his girlfriend. So I decided not to pursue a relationship with him either. I must admit that, I have become a bit wiser when dating, I know better how to identify the red flags very early, before it becomes to late. I meet all of this men though internet dating, which is so new for me. Like anything though, you have to be extremely careful and have little to no expectations, so you don’t get disappointed. At this point in my life, I am starting to feel like it is a job. But I do now, that if I was perceived as vulnerable or needy, I am sure that I would be in a relationship now, and being taken advantage of. I would rather be single.

Reprogram My Mind

June 09, 2008

I have been feeling happier these past three weeks. I noticed that I have been laughing again, like I once did. I remember that my dad, used to make fun of me because I always giggled, in fact I was told by others that I would light up a room. I get a glimpse of my old self from time to time and it feels good. I wish I can always feel happy, but I was told that it will come in droves. It depends on the day and if I am faced with any triggers. I try very hard to “reprogram” my thoughts, and look at things more positively. Whenever, I think of something negative, I try to replace the thought really quickly. I think coping is all about re framing your mental cognition. This will take time and effort. I guess, what bothers me the most now, is adapting to change. I look back, and have experienced a lot of change really quickly. In fact, I think sometimes we tend to gravitate toward what is most familiar to us, but not what is the best for us.

Searching

I am currently reading this book, titled, Eat, Pray and Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and it is about a women is divorced and is searching for anything across Italy, India, and Indonesia, and she illustrates the “instructions for freedom”, which I would like to share to give hope:

1. Life’s metaphors is God’s instruction
2. You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now let go
3. The day is ending. It’s time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go
4. Your wish for resolution was prayer. Your being here is God’s response. Let go, and watch the stars come out- on the outside and on the inside
5. With all your hear, ask for grace, and let go
6. With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go
7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go
8. Watch the heat of day pass into the cool night. Let go
9. When the karma of the relationship is done, only love remains. It’s safe. Let go
10. When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.

My Heart Hurts Again

I ask myself, why am I so upset? I was leaving to go to work yesterday and pulled out of the condo driveway, and my ex-husband passed me driving his girlfriend’s car. We looked directly at each other. I have spent the last year running away from him and staying away from places that he frequents, and I see him in front of my house, which is 2 hours away. I cannot get this image out of my head. I was happy yesterday and did not even think about him, and when I least expect it, I see him. I have tried everything to erase this memory. I went running, biking, and walking and spoke to a friend. It is driving me insane. I did not die, and did not roll up into a little ball and cry. I am just so angry, that he is in my territory and driving her car. I should not care. Why should I care? it is better that I am away from him and no longer with him. But I guess, it still bothers me that he did not suffer like I did, and he is not alone like I am. He went from one relationship, directly to another without any remorse. Where is he going? Why is he here? He looks like he is having fun. This was my “safe” place to heal. Why did this happen to me, I was doing so well. My heart hurts again