Extreme Pain And Blame

” Most emotional abuse victims are not aware of the depth of their own despair, sadness and fear until these are revealed in the therapeutic setting. They almost always focus the blame for problems in the relationship on themselves. Suicidal ideation, a common symptom among victims, is the ultimate form of self-blame and internalized self-annihilation.” from Emotional Abuse.. Marti Tamm Loring

August , 2007….. Yesterday was an extremely difficult day. I started the day off strong, then it all came crashing down. I attended another of my friend’s shower and I found it so difficult to be there. I am happy for her but I have such a difficult time expressing it. I just get so angry and sad all at the same time. Then they played a game. We had to stand up and tell everyone “Our Song”. The song that was special with your husband. I lost it! I ran to the bathroom crying and stayed there until the game was finished. I was miserable being there. I do not want to loose her friendship over this. My mother was at this shower, so when I got home she confronted me and told me I was being selfish and I was not trying hard enough. I agree that I should be trying harder for her. I do not want to be like my ex. But my parents said some very hurtful things.

• You will have no friends. You will lose everyone if you continue to be selfish
• He has lots of friends and he is having fun. I have spent 3 months trying not to get hung up on that. I did not need to hear it.
• Go get a man if it would make you feel better. Get laid
• Keep it up and nobody will give a fuck about you except for us

I remember now why I wanted to get married so bad. I did not want to live here anymore. I guess that is why I put up with my ex and got married in the first place because I thought it would be better than living at home. Then I realized I have nowhere to go. If I went back to Mount Cope, there is no one there, just painful memories. I would sit by the window and wait for him to come home. But he has a new life now while I am here swallowed up with grief. I still can’t believe what has happened to me in the last three months. It still hurts so bad. He was not a husband. I sometimes think if I had turned of the lights, and contributed more financially, maybe I would still be married. Maybe if he was not so hard on me, was home, did not ignore me. listened to me when I talked, validated my thoughts ad opinions, cared about me, then I would still be married. I have to keep reminding myself that he never loved or cared about me. I don’t think he even knew me. He did not take the time. I tried very hard at the beginning. I even asked his mom for help. I wanted it to work so badly! Now I am done!I started to retreat from him because he was treating me like a child. He said that I should be his security blanket. The whole marriage was a lie! I was only supply, money and sex! He was so frustrated with me. I did not follow his plan. I still don’t know what I did wrong. Why am I being punished? I am not doing well. Life is so painful. My parents are not helping. They think I am playing the victim. No! I am just so hurt.Pretend you’re happy! If life becomes to difficult. I have an exit strategy. I just have to research it, make sure he is off the insurance policy. Look up purgatory.

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Where Are You?

October 02, 2007

Today I slept till noon. I have not slept this long for a long time. I think I overslept. I literally felt like there was nothing to do. I am house sitting my boss’s house. After I watered her garden, I talked to her neighbour. He also went through a divorce. I was nice relating to someone else. As I talked to him I could feel my blood boil. I am so angry for what he has done to me. I then decided to go to work and work. I was there for about 4 hours and came back and watered again and read. He never phoned today, or maybe he did and I wasn’t there. It was just nice that he at least thought of me, twice. I think that it bothers him because he does not know where I am. I am not in Mount Cope and I am not at my parent’s. I remember that he kept tabs on his girlfriend before me. He always knew what she was doing. Is he thinking, where can she be? He is very obsessive and controlling so he probably is thinking about it. Like the information he had on_______, he would probably have on me. Anyway I was feeling abit lonely so I left work.

I phoned my mom and talked to her. She said to me that I was not useful to him when I was in debt. That makes sense to me. My mom also said she could not believe all the schemes he has engaged in and how he uses other people. He is a piece of shit. All he cares about is money. I deserve better.

I feel like I have been at my boss’s house forever. I will be happy to go home again for a few weeks.

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Wishing

October 01, 2007

Today I went to the Gospel church. It was different. It did not bother me like I thought it might. I enjoyed singing the songs. I was a little perplexed when I introduced myself to the pastor. He was not too friendly like I thought he would be. He gave me no information about the church. The lady beside him welcomed me. I think I will come again and then make my decision.I just want a different life and surround myself with good people. I thought that when I married into a Catholic family like mine, I was surrounding myself with good people. I guess I was wrong. I was married to the devil. He hurt me so bad. I don’t understand how anyone could hurt someone this bad. Like he did. I once had a house, a family. Now I have none. It is just me.

After church I went to the office and wrote for hours. Finally, I see a report coming together. I am trying to get caught up. I can either go to Niagara tomorrow to see my parents or go to the office. I am not sure.

Like yesterday I received a phone call. i know it is him. It is too much of a coincidence. As soon as I answer , they hang up.Is he actually thinking of me? I don’t know how anyone could treat their wife so badly, admit it, and not feel any remorse, or have any feelings. In some twisted way, I actually like that he phoned me. I guess because he thought about me. Maybe I liked it because he used to call me so much to check on me , and it is what I am used to.I wander if he will always keep tabs on me. I hope not.

I feel lonely, lost and confused and fat. I hope life will get better one day. I wish this nightmare will end.

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Wrong Number?

September 30, 2007

Today was a difficult day. I had night terrors all night and then woke up with a sinus infection. I could not stop crying and feeling depressed. I keep thinking about “them”. I would love to be a fly on the wall when he does this to her. I talked to my mom several times throughout the day. I went to work, at least attempted, but could not concentrate. It was like I was paralyzed. So I decided to work on my school assignment. I started to think when he said he wanted to be my friend. I will never understand that. I hate him so much. I hate what he did to me. when I was working I received a phone call. When I said “hello”, they hung up. It was like they were surprised that I answered. It was him. I know it. You have to dial my work number then my extension. And then it says my name that they are being put through . It was not a wrong number.I guess in a weird way, I hoped it was him. I guess I want something to say that I exist. That he has thought about me once during all these months and not me and money.

I could not stop crying all day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I phoned a running club and I am going on Tuesday. I am going to the Gospel church tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be a better day!

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When Does “Mount Cope” Become “Mount Hope”?

I find myself asking , when does my daughter’s “Mount Cope” become “Mount Hope”?

She writes on Christmas day:

Today is Christmas, and it is very difficult. It is not that I miss him, I think it is just everything that he has done to me over the last 7 years. I remember when I met him, my gut instinct said that I would marry him, but something really bad is going to happen and it did. I guess the gut instincts are there for a reason. I would like to erase the last 7 years but I am constantly reminded of it. There are wedding pictures on the wall, and my couches are down stairs. My sister-in law gave me an update of some of the things that he has done, since my separation. She was tying to help. I found out that he is selling the house which is a good thing, but I was originally upset that he made several upgrades to a 3 year old house, but I have to remind myself that is only because it benefited him because it is easier to sell. She had asked, why he stopped over for Christmas last year, while he was working for dinner, when he was doing her. I can’t answer those questions, only that he does not have a conscious and what is different, nothing, there were others. It was an acceptable behavior to him. I saw pictures of the bedroom, and my mind began to wander, but I have to tell myself to stop. She then told me that she encountered him at the gym. Everyone now has seen him and has given their 2 cents in public, except me. I wish he was dead. She said several things to him, and he was shaking like he always does when he is confronted. People like that do not like conflict, they like to give off this image that they are the “nice guy”, but I think it is finally starting to back fire on him. I would hope that people are starting to see his true colours. He used and abused me for 7 years and took me for a complete ride, and pretended to be someone who is not. He adopted parts of my lifestyle and mannerism. The whole thing was a sham. Apparently, I am the complete opposite with his new girlfriend, a fireman. I did not deserve any of this, he totally took advantage that I am a good person. He even would say that I was too righteous for him. I would go to church, volunteer and seldom drink, (though he constantly wanted me to). I take pride in my work and hope that I am making a difference. He saw that, and used that to his advantage. I guess, my sister-in-law said that she knew about the ipecac, and he did not deny it when she confronted him. I guess that is why, he did not seem too concerned to drive me to the hospital that day. When I was constantly throwing up. I guess, deep down inside what I thought was true, actually was. It is still a hard thing to swallow, that your own husband was poisoning me, to seek revenge. He even told me. “that I was not following his plan, and he was frustrated with me” My cats appear to be healthier now, but still run under the bed when they see someone that resembles him. Why am I still very sad and heart broken? I should wake up and say enough is enough, and do not care. But it is not as easy as that. It is all around me all the time. He was in my life for 7 years and everything that I thought was real was not. Like all abusers, rapists, murderers, they hurt their victims and leave a path of destruction and move on happily with there lives. I never thought that this would happen to me. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do, to make all these feelings go away. I wish there was justice. I think I still have PTSD. I want to be the happy person I was 7 years ago, but a lot of damage has been done, and I don’t know how to get that back.

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Happy Anniversary!(to me)

September 28, 2007

Today was my anniversary. I got through it. I went for a run, then I went to a spa. The body wrap was OK. My skin is still dry. She did not put any moisturizer on. Actually, when I started talking to her I recognized her from The Inn On The Twenty. She did a sinus treatment for me. She was really nice.

I get so angry sometimes. I wonder if he thought about me today. Probably not. Oh well, to a better life! I need a better life!

Emotional Health

• Do not want to kill myself
• I used to wake up every morning and say “Oh God, another day”
• I would pretend I was sleeping so I would not have to talk to him
• I could not handle him anymore
• I did not love him anymore. I fell out of love before the wedding. I remember the picnics. I merely wanted to buy a sub and lay by the water. Instead we had to go to the grocery store, buy meat and buns. the cheapest we could get. Go back to his parents make the buns and then go.. 3 hours later. All I wanted was a sub!
• Then he would “guide” me regarding my finances or career. It was not a pleasurable experience. In fact I found it very painful. he was always obsessed about money.
• I remember driving down the Parkway and thinking that I am making a big mistake, but I could not get out of it because my parents would kill me.
• We never even talked about our wedding day
• He would not buy a wedding picture from the photographer
• I never knew what he was thinking because he was so secretive
• I hated him after the honeymoon, hated his company, never thought he was attractive. He was arrogant, annoying, immature and stupid.
• He treated me like shit!
• It was an awful marriage, or whatever it was!

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Being Angry With the Truth

“The truth will set you free. But before it does it will make you angry.” Jerry Joiner

Nothing makes us more angry than to discover the truth about something and realize that it changes everything. The reason we tend to be so good at fooling ourselves, minimizing the abuse and making excuses for the abuser’s behavior, is that deep down we know that once we admit we are indeed being emotionally abused and we recognize how damaging it is to us, we will be forced to change the situation.

Like the woman who suspects her husband of cheating but doesn’t really want to know because the knowledge will force her to act, we may not really want to know we are being abused. Denial often lulls us into a false security, while the hard truth is like a cold shower or a slap in the face.

As much as you may hate the truth, it is a wake-up call.

Encouragements For The Emotionally Abused Woman.. Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C.

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