August , 2007….. Yesterday was an extremely difficult day. I started the day off strong, then it all came crashing down. I attended another of my friend’s shower and I found it so difficult to be there. I am happy for her but I have such a difficult time expressing it. I just get so angry and sad all at the same time. Then they played a game. We had to stand up and tell everyone “Our Song”. The song that was special with your husband. I lost it! I ran to the bathroom crying and stayed there until the game was finished. I was miserable being there. I do not want to loose her friendship over this. My mother was at this shower, so when I got home she confronted me and told me I was being selfish and I was not trying hard enough. I agree that I should be trying harder for her. I do not want to be like my ex. But my parents said some very hurtful things.
- You will have no friends. You will lose everyone if you continue to be selfish
- He has lots of friends and he is having fun. I have spent 3 months trying not to get hung up on that. I did not need to hear it.
- Go get a man if it would make you feel better. Get laid
- Keep it up and nobody will give a fuck about you except for us
I remember now why I wanted to get married so bad. I did not want to live here anymore. I guess that is why I put up with my ex and got married in the first place because I thought it would be better than living at home. Then I realized I have nowhere to go. If I went back to Mount Cope, there is no one there, just painful memories. I would sit by the window and wait for him to come home. But he has a new life now while I am here swallowed up with grief. I still can’t believe what has happened to me in the last three months. It still hurts so bad. He was not a husband. I sometimes think if I had turned of the lights, and contributed more financially, maybe I would still be married. Maybe if he was not so hard on me, was home, did not ignore me. listened to me when I talked, validated my thoughts ad opinions, cared about me, then I would still be married. I have to keep reminding myself that he never loved or cared about me. I don’t think he even knew me. He did not take the time. I tried very hard at the beginning. I even asked his mom for help. I wanted it to work so badly! Now I am done!I started to retreat from him because he was treating me like a child. He said that I should be his security blanket. The whole marriage was a lie! I was only supply, money and sex! He was so frustrated with me. I did not follow his plan. I still don’t know what I did wrong. Why am I being punished? I am not doing well. Life is so painful. My parents are not helping. They think I am playing the victim. No! I am just so hurt.Pretend you’re happy! If life becomes to difficult. I have an exit strategy. I just have to research it, make sure he is off the insurance policy. Look up purgatory.
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She Called It "Mount Cope" 
January 22, 2008 at 1:23 pm
you are so not alone-i’m going through this exact same thing and feel i have no support-or very little…my husband, the one who was a monster in our marriage-has a whole network of support AND all of the friends too. it is 13 years that i’ve taken his shit….i wish i could do something to myself to feel strong and just realize i didn’t put myself in this situation-he put me here. i wish i could know i can meet someone wonderful who will really appreciate me and love ME. he was always a liar and i just kept giving him chance after chance. he ignored me, locked his office until 3 am so i couldn’t be with him. he went to friggin porn conventions (this was his business-porn sites on the web) he lied about how involved he was. i begged him to not get involved in this business-he lied agiain-said it would only be videos on the net….it makes so much money….nothing more. i said what about the people in those movies, they are someone’s daughter/sister…whatever. he said they were doing a job and got paid well so not to feel bad for them. he was going to those conventions in las vegas and doing who knows what-at the same time telling me i’m a control freak, a pain in the ass, hates being married to me…all this while i was having repeated miscariages and on top opf all this saying who cares if you have a miscarriage. so. yo ucan get pregnant again what is the big deal. we already had 2 kids at the time. he would also leave me all the time saying he couldn’t take it anymore. that i was a shitty wife. he would come to see me, tell me he loves me, can he hug me…one thing would lead to another and we’d sleep together. i thought (every friggin time) that he changed his mind and realized i was a good wife. after we would sleep together he would say this doesn’t change anything-i haven’t changed my mind about us. he would leave agian i would be devestated. there are so many other things-he took away my personality, my freedom to say what and how i want in a relationship, what i can and cannot handle, my interests….everything. he lied and did whatever the hell he wanted. i really hate him. it also pisses me off that i have done everything in my power so the kids didn’t see all this. they think he is the greatest thing. i wish i could fastforward to the time in the future where i will be stronger and happier.
broken apart
February 24, 2009 at 2:00 am
Psalm 38- David speaks to God
I Said: I will guard my ways, lest I sin with my tongue;
I will put a bridle on mouth, while the wicked man stands before me.
I kept complete silence and had no comfort, my pain was even increased.
My heart grew hot within me as I reflected, fire burst into flame: I spoke with my tongue.
Lord, let me know my end, and what is the length of my days, that I may know how frail I am.
Behold thou hast made my days but a short span, and my life is a nothing before thee: every man is but a breath.
Man passes away like a mere shadow, fruitless is all his worrying; he hoards and knows not who shall enjoy these things.
And now what can I expect, O Lord? My hope is in Thee.
Deliver me from all my sins, make me not the reproach of the fool.
I am dumb and open not my mouth: for thou has done it.
Remove thy scourge from me: I am perishing under the blows of thy hand.
By punishing man’s guilt, thou dost correct him; like a moth thou dost consume his precious life: every man is but a breath.
Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cry, be not indifferent to my tears.
For I am thy guest, a pilgrim like all my fathers.
Turn thy angry eyes from me, that I may be refreshed, before I depart and be no more.