Pain

July 09, 2007

Yesterday, I stopped my car and looked at Mount Cope. It is a place with many empty houses in the middle of nowhere. I do not know anyone there. What happened to me in Mount Cope? I remember screaming for help inside and felt that no one was listening. I associate Mount Cope with running and counselling sessions. We went to counselling on a weekly basis. He would always tell me what I couldn’t say.

I am currently staying at my parents to help me cope. Although I grew up in that house, everything reminds me of him. I guess I did not realize he was such a large part of my life. However, my memories are not good memories, I often think of him ignoring me and not communicating with me. My mother has a note on the fridge. She had asked him to pick up some cat food on his way over, when he wrote the list of what I owed him for Christmas , the $10.49 for the cat food with an asterisk beside had a notation from my husband that with he would cover this as a Christmas present. The cat food was my mothers Christmas present. I stare at this and think I deserve better than that. But it hurts so much. What am I grieving , the void in my life or the shattered dream? I feel desperate that I need to fill the void with someone else to make me feel complete. I guess when you have left an abusive relationship this is one of the side effects. I want to be happy again like I once was. I do not remember when the last time I had fun or laughed. I tried to have fun with him, but he often criticized me or talked about finances. I cannot stand the thought of him having fun or charming someone else. I sometimes think if I would have done something different, things might be better. I am so messed up.

My brother just came to the door and for a moment I thought it was my ex. I hate him so much but I am needy. I am truly living a nightmare. How do I cope? When does the pain go away? These questions have still yet to be answered. My parents are helping me through the whole process, although I feel they see things different than me. They want what’s best for me, and see him as a jerk. I also see him that way, but they do not comprehend that he was once my husband and my life. I was with him for seven years and it is unrealistic to have dry eyes a month after separation. It is normal to grieve, especially when his true colours are being constantly revealed. I once thought that he loved me, but I now realize that I was a fool. My Cinderella wedding and dreams were shattered the moment I said “I do”. I think about the wedding, it was in the Catholic church. How dare this happen to me! It was not supposed to happen to me. What did I do to deserve this? I was not a very nice wife sometimes, but how could I be , I did nothing right. He treated me like a child.

I have to start my life over and he already has, before the separation. I should have left him the first year of marriage. I am so angry and sad at the same time. I keep telling myself patience is a virtue and he will get what he deserves in the future. I will take another sleeping pill and try to sleep, for tomorrow is another painful day.”

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