July 09, 2007

Yesterday, I stopped my car and looked at Mount Cope. It is a place with many empty houses in the middle of nowhere. I do not know anyone there. What happened to me in Mount Cope? I remember screaming for help inside and felt that no one was listening. I associate Mount Cope with running and counselling sessions. We went to counselling on a weekly basis. He would always tell me what I couldn’t say.

I am currently staying at my parents to help me cope. Although I grew up in that house, everything reminds me of him. I guess I did not realize he was such a large part of my life. However, my memories are not good memories, I often think of him ignoring me and not communicating with me. My mother has a note on the fridge. She had asked him to pick up some cat food on his way over, when he wrote the list of what I owed him for Christmas , the $10.49 for the cat food with an asterisk beside had a notation from my husband that with he would cover this as a Christmas present. The cat food was my mothers Christmas present. I stare at this and think I deserve better than that. But it hurts so much. What am I grieving , the void in my life or the shattered dream? I feel desperate that I need to fill the void with someone else to make me feel complete. I guess when you have left an abusive relationship this is one of the side effects. I want to be happy again like I once was. I do not remember when the last time I had fun or laughed. I tried to have fun with him, but he often criticized me or talked about finances. I cannot stand the thought of him having fun or charming someone else. I sometimes think if I would have done something different, things might be better. I am so messed up.

My brother just came to the door and for a moment I thought it was my ex. I hate him so much but I am needy. I am truly living a nightmare. How do I cope? When does the pain go away? These questions have still yet to be answered. My parents are helping me through the whole process, although I feel they see things different than me. They want what’s best for me, and see him as a jerk. I also see him that way, but they do not comprehend that he was once my husband and my life. I was with him for seven years and it is unrealistic to have dry eyes a month after separation. It is normal to grieve, especially when his true colours are being constantly revealed. I once thought that he loved me, but I now realize that I was a fool. My Cinderella wedding and dreams were shattered the moment I said “I do”. I think about the wedding, it was in the Catholic church. How dare this happen to me! It was not supposed to happen to me. What did I do to deserve this? I was not a very nice wife sometimes, but how could I be , I did nothing right. He treated me like a child.

I have to start my life over and he already has, before the separation. I should have left him the first year of marriage. I am so angry and sad at the same time. I keep telling myself patience is a virtue and he will get what he deserves in the future. I will take another sleeping pill and try to sleep, for tomorrow is another painful day.”



One Response to “Pain”

  1. Audra Says:

    Your pain is great, I have not had as bad an experience as you have had, but I can feel a small fraction of “your” pain that I can’t imagine being any more debilitating that it already is for me. I am thinking about going back to live with my parents, too, even though everything is going well besides the control this experience has over me and feeling happy. My therapist is suggesting EMDR therapy to help push these negative feelings I have that are holding me hostage and replacing them with some emotions that make me feel safe and happy. You might look into it. Good luck to you, and I’m going to say a prayer for you right now.

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