Let’s Have Some Ice Cream!

 

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I had not seen my son in months but had recently discovered that my youngest granddaughter was suffering from a severe clinical depression, one that I learned  had been untreated for years.  She was in crisis.  She had been in crisis for some several weeks now and was crying out for help on a regular basis. Upon learning of this, I had been trying to help her the best I could. She was to check in with me daily via text with a number. 1 was if she was feeling good… 10 was she was having a really bad day and was unable to cope. Unable to cope regularly  she was having thoughts of suicide.  There were very few days she was below 7 and too many that she was in the 9 to 10 range. That Monday, March 10 the number was texted to me ….   20!!!! I was panicked, I didn’t know what to do, so I contacted my son and asked him to go home and keep an eye on Elizabeth and when he asked why I told him she was having a really bad day. I had been encouraging her every day to talk to her parents and tell them how bad she was feeling.  I sat at work hearing from Elizabeth’s boyfriend that her mother was yelling at her because she couldn’t stop crying and she was feeling so distraught. I was so worried about her. I text Elizabeth later on to ask how she was doing and her reply was a little better. She told me how her father took her to the square because he had to purchase something.  I asked her if he was talking to her about her sadness while they were out and her response to me was … ” No he didn’t talk to me about it but he bought me ice cream.”

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Lady … You Are Delusional!

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I am the author of this blog. This blog was created when my daughter was ending an emotionally abusive marriage.  It was used as a therapeutic tool and then I realized that it might just  help one person. And if it did our posts did some good , so I continued.   Here I am again,  using this blog once again as therapy.

Where did I go wrong? How did this happen to me? I  thought I was a good mother. By far not a perfect mother, but a decent mother who was always there for her kids.  I always put my kids first. Many, many times over my husband. Always above my own needs. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be one of  “those” mothers who later in life would not be speaking to their child.  In my mind “those” mothers were not like me, they had done something very wrong along the way to be treated with such disregard and disrespect  by their own flesh and blood.  In my mind my child valued me.  My child would never intentionally hurt me. My child  would never intentional hurt me so deeply that it was hard for me to function. My child would never use gaslighting techniques on me. Yes, gaslighting techniques that would make me think it was all my fault.  That saddens me the most.  After months of thinking and reflecting I have come to only one conclusion.  I was delusional  all this time!