His Games Continue!

September 29, 2008

And the “games” continue. This past weekend was to have been their 5 year wedding anniversary, and on cue like last year my daughter started receiving strange phone calls at work. Because of the many steps needed to reach my daughter’s private line at work, these could not have been wrong numbers. He wanted to let her know he is still around, in control. And as he would always say to her… “I will get even when you least expect it!’

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Planning For Safety

PREPARE A SAFE ROOM IN YOUR HOUSE:
Install inside locks on a door
Plan barricades
Choose a room with a window
Arrange a signal for help with a neighbor

FIND A SAFE SHELTER AND KNOW HOW TO GET TO IT:
Call the closest shelter
Arrange to stay with friends or family
Decide whether or not you will take your children with you when you leave

START TALKING TO PEOPLE:
Call the shelter for support
Talk to a lawyer to learn your rights
Make a trustworthy friend
Talk to substance abuse people (substance abuse agency, AA, Al-Anon)

DOCUMENT THE ABUSE:
Keep a journal (make sure it is hidden)
Make copies of your hospital bills
Show injuries to a friend
Make copies of canceled checks for liquor
Make copies of bills for damage to property
Get photos taken of damage to yourself and/or to property
Get medical attention and have it in your medical records

PAPERS YOU SHOULD COPY:
Rent receipts or mortgage payments
Social Services papers
Tax records
Social Security numbers for you and the kids
Utility receipts
Bank statements
Receipts for property you have paid for
Car title and registration

IDENTIFICATION YOU SHOULD HAVE:
Social Security cards
Birth certificates
Driver’s License
Green card
work permit
passport

MONEY:
Start hiding cash for yourself
Open your own bank account
Save pay stubs

KEYS:
Car keys
house keys
safety deposit box keys
post office box keys

PACK A SUITCASE AND HIDE IT:
In a car, under a bed, at a neighbors, at a church, in a public locker, in the garage

WHAT TO PACK:
Shoes, socks, underwear, nightwear, change of clothes, diapers, toothbrush, combs, soap, etc.

PACK YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSIONS
(your abuser knows what to destroy to hurt you):
Wedding pictures, jewelry, love letters, children’s favorite toys, children’s pictures, other valued possessions

OTHER THINGS TO DO

* Pack an address book with your most important addresses and phone numbers.
* If you have long hair, get it cut so that it cannot be grabbed.
* Hide everything in the house that could be used as a weapon against you.
* If you find that you must leave, try to leave while your abuser is away from the home or ask the police to help
you get out- don’t worry about being fair or giving him the benefit of the doubt- PROTECT YOURSELF
SAFETY DURING AN EXPLOSIVE EVENT

* GO TO AN AREA THAT HAS AN EXIT
* Not a bathroom (near hard surfaces), kitchen (near knives), or near weapons.
* STAY IN A ROOM WITH A PHONE
* Call 911, a friend or a neighbor, if possible. Inform them if there are weapons in the home.
* PROTECT YOURSELF Keep as much distance between yourself and your abuser.
* KNOW YOUR ESCAPE ROUTES Practice how to get out of your home safely prior to an incident. Visualize your
escape route. When an incident occurs use your escape route.
* DEVISE A CODE WORD OR SIGNAL Tell your children, grandchildren or neighbors so you can communicate to
them that you need the police or that it is time to leave.
* TRUST YOUR JUDGEMENT Consider anything that you feel will keep you safe and give you time to figure out
what to do next. Sometimes it is best to flee and sometimes it is best to placate the abuser- anything that
works to protect yourself and the children.
If you cannot take your children with you, DO NOT assume you will lose custody because of abandonment. Leaving
because of abuse is legitimate. It is important to contact an attorney about your parental rights as soon as
possible. If you fear your children are in danger, contact Social Services or the police.

SAFETY IN YOUR HOME
(If your abuser does not live with you)

* UPGRADE YOUR SECURITY SYSTEM Change the locks on doors and windows as soon as possible. Consider a
security service, window bars, better lighting, smoke detectors and fire extinguishers.
* HAVE A SAFETY PLAN Teach your children or grandchildren how to call the police or someone they can trust.
Have a secret code word that you and your children agree on- to communicate trouble and for the people who
are allowed to pick the children up.
* CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER Screen your calls if you have an answering machine or caller ID. Save all
messages with threats or that violate any orders.
* TALK TO NEIGHBORS AND LANDLORD Inform them that your abuser no longer lives with you and that they
should call police if they see the abuser near your home.
* GET LEGAL ADVICE Find a lawyer knowledgeable about domestic violence to explore custody, visitation and
divorce provisions that protect you and the children. Discuss getting a restraining order as an option.
SAFETY AND YOUR CHILDREN

* TELL SCHOOLS AND CHILDCARE Let them know who has permission to pick up the children and give them
your code word. Discuss with them other special provisions to protect you and your children. Provide a picture
of the abuser if possible.
* EXCHANGE CHILDREN IN A SAFE PLACE Find a safe place to exchange the children for visitation.

Alliance Against Family Violence

Protect Yourself – Hide Your Internet Tracks!

Warning!

from Safe Horizon

Important Information about Hiding Your Internet Tracks from Your Abuser
If you are in an abusive relationship and your abuser has access to your computer, it is important that you take precautionary steps to hide your internet activities.

Even if you follow the directions below your abuser may still be able to see what web sites you have been visiting or what emails you have been sending. If you know that your abuser has access to the computer that you use, the best safety measure to take is to use another computer.

Covering Your Tracks
If you must use a computer your abuser can access, you can attempt to cover your tracks by doing the following:

  1. Use an email account your abuser cannot access
  2. Delete insecure information created by your web browser – Your web browser creates many files and saves certain information which can allow your abuser to discover your internet activities. You can attempt to delete these by doing the following:
    1. Determine what type of web browser you have – The name of your web browser should be displayed in the title bar of this window. For example, it would say “Safe Horizon: Protect Yourself – Microsoft Internet Explorer” at the top of this window if you are using Internet Explorer. Or it would say “Safe Horizon: Protect Yourself – Mozilla Firefox” if you are using Firefox.
    2. Find your browser in the list below, click on the link and follow the web browser cleanup guide. This will give you directions on how to delete your web browser history read more

A Song Of Strength And Triumph

“Oh Mother”

Whoa, oh, yeah,

She was so young with such innocent eyes
She always dreamt of a fairytale life
And all the things that your money can’t buy
She thought that he was a wonderful guy
Then suddenly, things seemed to change
It was the moment she took on his name
He took his anger out on her face
She kept all of her pain locked away

Oh mother, we’re stronger
From all of the tears you have shed
Oh mother, don’t look back
Cause he’ll never hurt us again

So mother, I thank you
For all that you’ve done and still do
You got me, I got you
Together we always pull through
We always pull through
We always pull through
Oh mother, oh mother, oh mother

It was the day that he turned on his kids
That she knew she just had to leave him
So many voices inside of her head
Saying over and over and over,
“You deserve much more than this.”

She was so sick of believing the lies and trying to hide
Covering the cuts and bruises (cuts and bruises)
So tired of defending her life, she could have died
Fighting for the lives of her children

Oh mother, we’re stronger
From all of the tears you have shed (all of the tears you have shed)
Oh mother, don’t look back
Cause he’ll never hurt us again (he’ll never hurt us again)

So mother, I thank you (thank you)
For all that you’ve done and still do (still do)
You got me, I got you, (yeah you got me and I got you)
Together we always pull through.
We always pull through
We always pull through
Oh mother, oh mother, oh mother

All of your life you have spent
Burying hurt and regret
But mama, he’ll never touch us again

For everytime he tried to break you down
Just remember who’s still around
It’s over, and we’re stronger
And we’ll never have to go back again

Oh mother, we’re stronger
From all of the tears you have shed
Oh mother, don’t look back (oh mother don’t look back again)
Cause he’ll never hurt us again (cause he’ll never hurt us again)

So mother, I thank you (and I thank you for everything you’ve done)
For all that you’ve done and still do (together we always move on)
You got me, I got you, (you got me, I got you)
Together we always pull through (always pull through)
We always pull through
We always pull through

I love you mom