I Don’t Get It


October 17, 2007

Today was a hard day. I was so angry, I could not stop thinking about them. I remember when I was married I would have dreams that he was having an affair. I was so mad at him, and I would tell him. That was a running joke at our 1st house.I think someone was trying to tell me something. I was thinking about her in our house. I could not even go into an ex-wife’s house, if I had been the mistress. I could not do it, but I think she would have no problem. I mean that was “our bed” and everything in the house was “ours”. How dare she even set foot in that house. How can she? How can he? That was the house we bought together. So how can I be replaced by some white trash bitch, when there are memories. I don’t get it! I have no proof that this is happening, and I don’t want to know. I want her to fall flat on her ass. I can’t wait till he treats her poorly, she deserves everything she will get. Or when he cheats on her, I would like to be a fly on the wall. I HATE THEM! I walked away because I felt so guilty. I even told him about the one time. It did not matter he was with other woman before that. He would often tell me how loyal he was. I look back now and ask myself why would he continue to say this and keep trying to convince me that he was so loyal , unless it was not true. It was like when he kept on telling me how supportive he was of me, and he was not. I think I might take up boxing and pretend it is her head. I think it is a mistake when you are in a bad marriage, and you can’t see things clearly. But she was not in a bad marriage and can see things clearly. I wish someone would tell me that they broke up, or it is not paradise, or they are having problems, something! anything! I have to stop thinking about it. (grounding)


Putting Up Walls


October 15, 2007

Well that was fun! I just spoke with my friend and she is having a great marriage. I guess I am a little jealous. Maybe not a little, but a lot! I guess that was my dream. Oh well it never happened. That is life. I should be happy for her, well I am. Then she was talking about her husband, that is something I miss, but not with him. Oh well, if I put it into perspective I should not be envious. It is something I have to work through. Maybe that is why I am avoiding her. Well I seem to be avoiding people in general. I am still trying to process everything. I just don’t want this to ruin my life. If I don’t deal with this now, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. So I guess I am being a bit selfish.I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but now not so much. I have too many walls up. I am developing a thick skin. It has been 4 months, which is still pretty raw. It is still so hard to believe. I wonder who he is. I have been deceived in so many ways. My friend was mourning his boyfriend of 1 month, and he said it like a death. Try being married and with someone for 7 years and mourning that death, and he was angry too. It does not even compare. Oh well , another day, then another day, then another day. Days go by so slow. I wish it was 1 year… 2008. I think I will go to bed on New Years Eve this year.


I Feel Free!


October 12, 2007

Yesterday I went running at the Runners Den, and it felt great running around the track. I actually talked like I used to. I remember being very talkative before I met him. I felt free and everyone was really nice.

Today I decided to join the baseball team at work. I really do not play very well, but I thought it might be a way to meet people and to get to know people at work better. I met Loraine today, and she mentioned that she was new here and did not know anyone. I seem to be running into a lot of people that are my age that have moved here.

So I am busy!

I want a better life!

I like it here.

I feel free! free! free! free!


Do You Recover?


October 9, 2007

Do you ever fully recover from this? And can you?

He never talked to me, only about finances, sex and in analogies. Why didn’t he talk to me? I will never fully understand. I asked him about his game, nothing. I asked him about work, nothing. I asked him about the way he was feeling, nothing. I asked about his friends, nothing, or I don’t know. All he ever wanted to talk about was money. It was like he felt uncomfortable talking to me. But he was able to talk to his friends. When he got his cell phone, he said to me that no one calls the house because I had asked why no-one calls. Implying that it was my fault that no one calls. It was always my fault. I remember that he was in the computer room all the time. When I walked in he would always close the window so I wouldn’t see what he was doing. This happened all the time. He was so secretive. He does not even know me. He never took the opportunity to know me. He was trying to mold me into something that I am not.

My parents and everyone else have seen validation of what type of person he is, but no one is more affected than me. No one knows what it is like because I was married to him. I am the one who slept with him, trusted him, took care of the house and washed his clothes.


Who Am I?


October  08, 2007

I am trying to determine who I am and what I like, and what I am looking for in people I associate with.

My Likes:

  • spa
  • fine dining
  • theatre
  • running
  • setting goals
  • continuing my education
  • volunteering
  • making a difference
  • cats
  • walks
  • picnics
  • traveling
  • reading
How do I see myself in the future?
  • living in my condo
  • meeting new people
  • training for 1/2 marathon
  • having dinner parties, get togethers
  • volunteering
  • attending church activities
  • simple
  • attending theatre, plays, art galleries
  • reading
  • school
  • running
  • gym
I don’t want to!:
  • drinking
  • parties/ drugs and hot tubs
  • go to bars
  • date @ casual sex
  • sit and stare at beige walls
  • camping


Emotional Abuse The Great Pandemic

I found this video on Youtube



October 07, 2007

Yesterday, I was so upset at work that I had to leave in the afternoon. The night before I got pulled over because I was so distracted driving that I drove through a stop sign. I was thinking of them, I had learned more about her. She is the complete opposite to me. I told the police woman that I just found out my husband had an affair. She asked me if I was alright and said they were there if I needed them. She also asked if there was any domestic violence. She seemed actually concerned, I said no. She could have charged me, gave me a ticket but she obviously felt sorry for me and did not. I thought she was very nice. The next day I went to work, when I should have called in sick. Emotionally, I was not well. A colleague called me and I told her what I had found out and about the police stopping me. I hope it is not used against me, especially being too emotional. Overall I think I have been pretty good! I am only human! What is meant to be, will be!!

I went to runners den that night and met this girl. She is getting married in October and mentioned how she does not know anyone because she just moved here. I mentioned I was getting a divorce. It was nice to run with her, she seems like a good person. I also noticed that the guys in the cars were honking and whistling at us. That was an ego boost. I actually like this area.

Today, was my last day at my Boss’s house. I was sad to leave her cat. I made an appointment @ Christine’s. I was late because I could not find the place. I am glad I went because I wasn’t ready to go back to my parents’. She seemed really nice. There is a small town mentality here. I kind of like it. I am tired.I am hoping next week will be better.