His Motto


“I will get revenge. I will strike when it is least expected. It might be months or years down the road. I will do it in a way that I will never be suspected. They will never know it was me. It won’t be traced back to me”. That is what he kept telling my daughter. That is what he told me when I confronted him.

I believed him. On their computer he had bookmarked numerous revenge sights, tracking devices, spy cameras, countries that do not have extradition treaties . He had done a complete workup of the man my daughter slept with. He had his address, his phone numbers, his cell phone number, his wife’s cell phone number, their son’s name, his address of employment, his car and license plate number, all documented on their computer for his convenience. What was most unsettling is that this man moved out of the area several months prior to my son-in-law adding this information to a folder on their computer. In that same folder he had his “script”. His fabricated story on how this man took advantage of my daughter and raped her. It was thoroughly written with title page, story and timeline of events.

Is he capable of revenge? When a colleague of his was eating his yogurt from the fridge, he needed to stop this behaviour. It was his yogurt. So he took a syringe and injected IPECAC into his yogurt, put it in the fridge so when his collegue helped himself again, he was going to pay the consequences.

So is this what was happening to my daughter and her animals? Was he teaching her a lesson? Was it his revenge? I find it suspect that almost immediately after he left my daughter, she has not been sick. Her animals have not been sick. These animals have become happier and continually more trusting everyday.They do not cower under the bed anymore. They roam freely around the house. They do not hide when strangers enter the house. But instead welcome their presence and approach these guests expecting to be petted. But, when a police officer came to the door to speak with us regarding my son-in-law, Shade saw this officer in his uniform, which bears striking resemblance to his uniform and ran, disappearing immediately. After the officer left I found her frightened, cowering in a corner under the bed. I was heart sick. Why was she so afraid when she saw that uniform? What did my son-in-law do to that cat?



Sick…Or Was It Revenge?


We have always had cats in our lives. My daughter’s cats were her best friends as she grew up. She would ride her bike as her cat Charlie would sit on her shoulder enjoying the ride. So when she adopted a cat shortly after her marriage it didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was that I literally never saw the cat. Shade lived in a corner under the bed. I tried several times to coax that cat from under the bed but when my attempts failed I just chalked it up to her being antisocial.When my daughter moved to Mount Cope to give her marriage another chance she soon was to bring into her home another kitten. Duchess was born with a lesion on her brain and because of this had difficulty with her balance. It was shortly after her arrival that she too would make her home under the bed with Shadow. I never saw these cats. When Duchess did come down to eat, Shade would follow in a very protective manner. I thought their behaviour to be very strange but really did not give it much thought.

During the last year of her marriage my daughter and her cats became sick. It seemed as if she was always at a walk in clinic or at her doctor. There would be times that she would be forced to pull over on the side of the road while driving to vomit . One night when she was doubled over in pain she asked her husband to take her to the hospital. His response to her was for her to follow the “blue H signs”. At the hospital they monitored her while giving her morphine for the pain and an IV for her dehydration. They did not know what was wrong with her. Shade and Duchess became sick as well. She tried several times to get Duchess spayed but the Vet refused because of the symptoms she was exhibiting. They thought she had leukemia.Test after test showed nothing. But she continued to be sick. Shade also was at the Vet where they suspected her also of having leukemia. Again, test after test revealed nothing. I remember telling my daughter that I thought it was very strange that both her and her cats were suffering with the same symptoms.

Her health changed the night she told her husband. She wanted out of her marriage. She had had enough. Her unhappiness led her to the arms of another man. A man that listened to her without criticism, a man who encouraged her, a man who made her feel good. She knew it was wrong and it was over. It only happened once. She knew her marriage was over. She needed to leave. She told her husband with the knowledge that this would cement the end. His response to her confession was that she was raped. It was his story.The story that he penned to paper literally. The story that he sat and read to me.
He convinced her not to leave. He would remind her consistently throughout the year that he is a loving husband, that she was raped, that he will get revenge, that he loved her more than she would ever know, that she is going to hell. As she ate her supper that night that he made for her she innocently asked him ” You didn’t poison my food, did you?”


The Team


It was all about the team. His team. His way. Always. He doesn’t know how to be a “team player”. This was evident every time he played sports, every time he played board games, every time he walked through the door of their home. It was all about winning. It was all about control. It was all about his plan. It was all about his game. He would constantly say to my daughter they were a team, that she had to follow the plan.That she had to do it his way. This was the only way their marriage would succeed. But his plan and their team, and ultimately their marriage was just like how he played hockey, soccer or anything else, he had to be in control. He had to hog the ball. It had to be his way. The team, his team, in his eyes was to benefit him and only him.


She Lived on Psycho Path


” He will choose you, disarm you with his words, and control you with his presence. He will delight you with his wit and his plans. he will show you a good time, but you will always get the bill. He will smile and deceive you, and he will scare you with his eyes. And when he is through with you, and he will be through with you, he will desert you and take with him your innocence and your pride. you will be left much sadder but not a lot wiser, and for a long time you will wonder what happened and what you did wrong. And if another of his kind comes knocking at your door, will you open it? ”

Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us.. Dr. Hare

My daughter opened that door and has been displaying classic signs of a victim. A victim who has lived with a pyschopath/sociopath for several years.

Typical Signs of Victimization:

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Difficulty falling asleep
  • Loss of energy
  • Numbing of feelings
  • Irritability
  • Loss of Interest in Life
  • Suicidal thoughts or actions
  • The classical symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder


Healing Journey


It has been 3 months that I have been separated and have identified my past relationship as abusive. Today was my last day at the matrimonial home and I find myself sad, angry, and relieved at the same time. I am saying goodbye to my past life, and reclaiming my own life. This in itself is very frightening. I am familiar with being a “wife”, daughter-in law, and sister-in-law. Now, I am none of these things. I find myself in unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory. During these past 3 months, I have met many single people and have developed friendships with single people. Even though I am single, I feel like I am out of my element. My past life was such that I had few friends and never went out, except to watch his baseball games and hang out this his friends. My own life was taken away from me, more and more each year. I remember, before I met my ex-husband I was very talkative, had many friends, and socialized. Now, I am a lot more conservative and quiet. I am trying to recapture the life that I once had. Over, the last 3 months I have gone to Toronto several times to see some friends. I find myself going to bars with single people and I notice that I look different and act different than everyone else. My clothes are conservative and I am not searching for a man. I have seen a lot of single people in their thirties and they are dressed so provocatively, and it scares me. I do not want to give off that image, that I am available, and attract the wrong man. I find myself so confused. I used to dress provocatively when I was in my 20s, but I am passed the bar and club scene. Maybe I am old fashion, but I would eventually like to meet someone not from a bar or club, and develop a friendship first. Sometimes, I think about my ex-husband and his girlfriend, whom he had an affair with, and I think it is so unfair. He does not have to be single, and “swim in unfamiliar waters.” Even though, I do not want him, sometimes I still get so angry, even though I try not to. Why do I have to be single? Why do I have to spend 5 hours cleaning the matrimonial house?”, and why do I have to pick up the pieces, while he is enjoying his new life? It still makes me very angry. I keep thinking that life has a way of working itself out, and that everything happens for a reason.

I went for a massage tonight, and realized something about myself that I find concerning. A male RMT was booked to do my massage, and I flat out declined. The thought of a man touching me terrified me and made me feel very uncomfortable. Similar, to the single scene, when a man approaches me I feel very uncomfortable and do not give him the time of day. I realized tonight, that I have been deeply affected by the abuse. I hope that I can trust one day and remove my barriers, but I also realize that it is going to take someone special and a long time. I noticed that when a man talks to me, I would begin to shake. Maybe that is why I am so uncomfortable at bars, and I am not ready to let my guard down. It is funny though, the men that I did talk to yesterday at a bar said some things that were interesting. One drunk chap, gave me a high five, and accidentally touched my face, and said, “You deserve better”. The behavior did not make sense to what he was saying, but it made sense to me. Another man said, “you have to be happy and live your life”.

I start my PhD tomorrow, and am hoping that my life will change from doing this and be more meaningful. I have to really focus on completed this degree, so that it will open up so many different opportunities in the future. Life is interesting, “it can change direction without a moments notice”.




August 28, 2007

Today at work I had difficulty working. I felt like my hands were paralyzed. I went for a walk with my friend from work and I felt a bit better. I could not concentrate. then I went to the lawyer. He said he is optimistic and that he will buy me out. I know I should be happy but I felt very sad and angry at the same time. At home it just seemed that he wanted to get rid of me. I spoke to my mom and she reminded me that he was trying to poison me, and it is good that I am out.

I have decided to change my life in so many ways.  I want to do something different. I have realized that I do not like office work. It is boring. I do not want to stay here for more than 5 years. Maybe my life will be better now.

I have an appointment to look at condos. I think that would be ideal. I just have to keep focused on my goal.

I think if I met someone, they would have to be deserving. I have to get out and meet people. I have to join something. I don’t want to live in isolation. I was alone for years. I do not want to be needy!


Another Sad Holiday


August 21, 2007

Thank God another long weekend is over! The holidays and stats are very hard. Although we never did anything on long weekends, I have this vision that he was out on a patio, drinking and having fun. It must be so easy for him to move on. I don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. How can someone hurt me so much. Then I thought, I would not mind having a couple of drinks on someone’s patio. I like to do that. Am I not good enough. Then I wandered what we did over the summers. All I remember is on the weekend I would watch his baseball tournaments, then he would have a few beers in the parking lot. I also remembered being ignored. I would sometimes leave and just meet him at his parents. I did not stop him from playing and I tried to attend most games. So, I don’t get it. Did he go to house parties when he was not home and not tell me. I gave him so much freedom. In fact I could not help it if I had to work to 6:30 and not want to do anything when I got home. I would remember he would make me a drink even when I said no. He always wanted me to drink.

I also remember that I did not show him much affection. All he did was come home , want sex, talk about money, then watch TV. How could I offer affection to someone who did not treat me well. I have so much love to give. I know how to give it, but I guess I did not want to. Then I think life would be different had I given him more affection, more sex, and gave him the money that I owed him for my brakes. Why didn’t I pay him back? I guess because I resented him, since all he talked to me about was finances. I remember near the end I said that I would work out a payment plan. But he never discussed it further. I think in his mind I owed him money since we started dating. Even though he made me take out a $10,000 loan for the wedding to pay him back, even though my parents payed for it and he also overcharged me an extra $300.00 a month for my share of the bills for over a year.

All I ever wanted was a happy marriage. I envisioned a marriage when two people talk about everything, and are able to sit outside and have a couple of drinks and just enjoy each other’s company. I guess I just got sick of being ignored. The only topics that interested him was finances, sex, and healthy eating, that was all. I wander since they both have the same career if he will actually talk to her. I wish I could be a fly on the wall. I don’t think he would be talking about me , his business, the divorce. But I think he is starting to give her advice about money. Is this one different? Will he talk to her like his friends or will he begin to treat her different. I wish someone would tell me that they have broken up! I would feel better.

When is life going to get better? When will the pain go away? I wake up and it is there. I go to bed and it is there. I never knew I could endure this much suffering. I still can’t believe this is happening to me!