His Motto

“I will get revenge. I will strike when it is least expected. It might be months or years down the road. I will do it in a way that I will never be suspected. They will never know it was me. It won’t be traced back to me”. That is what he kept telling my daughter. That is what he told me when I confronted him.

I believed him. On their computer he had bookmarked numerous revenge sights, tracking devices, spy cameras, countries that do not have extradition treaties . He had done a complete workup of the man my daughter slept with. He had his address, his phone numbers, his cell phone number, his wife’s cell phone number, their son’s name, his address of employment, his car and license plate number, all documented on their computer for his convenience. What was most unsettling is that this man moved out of the area several months prior to my son-in-law adding this information to a folder on their computer. In that same folder he had his “script”. His fabricated story on how this man took advantage of my daughter and raped her. It was thoroughly written with title page, story and timeline of events.

Is he capable of revenge? When a colleague of his was eating his yogurt from the fridge, he needed to stop this behaviour. It was his yogurt. So he took a syringe and injected IPECAC into his yogurt, put it in the fridge so when his collegue helped himself again, he was going to pay the consequences.

So is this what was happening to my daughter and her animals? Was he teaching her a lesson? Was it his revenge? I find it suspect that almost immediately after he left my daughter, she has not been sick. Her animals have not been sick. These animals have become happier and continually more trusting everyday.They do not cower under the bed anymore. They roam freely around the house. They do not hide when strangers enter the house. But instead welcome their presence and approach these guests expecting to be petted. But, when a police officer came to the door to speak with us regarding my son-in-law, Shade saw this officer in his uniform, which bears striking resemblance to his uniform and ran, disappearing immediately. After the officer left I found her frightened, cowering in a corner under the bed. I was heart sick. Why was she so afraid when she saw that uniform? What did my son-in-law do to that cat?

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Sick…Or Was It Revenge?

We have always had cats in our lives. My daughter’s cats were her best friends as she grew up. She would ride her bike as her cat Charlie would sit on her shoulder enjoying the ride. So when she adopted a cat shortly after her marriage it didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was that I literally never saw the cat. Shade lived in a corner under the bed. I tried several times to coax that cat from under the bed but when my attempts failed I just chalked it up to her being antisocial.When my daughter moved to Mount Cope to give her marriage another chance she soon was to bring into her home another kitten. Duchess was born with a lesion on her brain and because of this had difficulty with her balance. It was shortly after her arrival that she too would make her home under the bed with Shadow. I never saw these cats. When Duchess did come down to eat, Shade would follow in a very protective manner. I thought their behaviour to be very strange but really did not give it much thought.

During the last year of her marriage my daughter and her cats became sick. It seemed as if she was always at a walk in clinic or at her doctor. There would be times that she would be forced to pull over on the side of the road while driving to vomit . One night when she was doubled over in pain she asked her husband to take her to the hospital. His response to her was for her to follow the “blue H signs”. At the hospital they monitored her while giving her morphine for the pain and an IV for her dehydration. They did not know what was wrong with her. Shade and Duchess became sick as well. She tried several times to get Duchess spayed but the Vet refused because of the symptoms she was exhibiting. They thought she had leukemia.Test after test showed nothing. But she continued to be sick. Shade also was at the Vet where they suspected her also of having leukemia. Again, test after test revealed nothing. I remember telling my daughter that I thought it was very strange that both her and her cats were suffering with the same symptoms.

Her health changed the night she told her husband. She wanted out of her marriage. She had had enough. Her unhappiness led her to the arms of another man. A man that listened to her without criticism, a man who encouraged her, a man who made her feel good. She knew it was wrong and it was over. It only happened once. She knew her marriage was over. She needed to leave. She told her husband with the knowledge that this would cement the end. His response to her confession was that she was raped. It was his story.The story that he penned to paper literally. The story that he sat and read to me.
He convinced her not to leave. He would remind her consistently throughout the year that he is a loving husband, that she was raped, that he will get revenge, that he loved her more than she would ever know, that she is going to hell. As she ate her supper that night that he made for her she innocently asked him ” You didn’t poison my food, did you?”

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The Team

It was all about the team. His team. His way. Always. He doesn’t know how to be a “team player”. This was evident every time he played sports, every time he played board games, every time he walked through the door of their home. It was all about winning. It was all about control. It was all about his plan. It was all about his game. He would constantly say to my daughter they were a team, that she had to follow the plan.That she had to do it his way. This was the only way their marriage would succeed. But his plan and their team, and ultimately their marriage was just like how he played hockey, soccer or anything else, he had to be in control. He had to hog the ball. It had to be his way. The team, his team, in his eyes was to benefit him and only him.

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She Lived on Psycho Path

” He will choose you, disarm you with his words, and control you with his presence. He will delight you with his wit and his plans. he will show you a good time, but you will always get the bill. He will smile and deceive you, and he will scare you with his eyes. And when he is through with you, and he will be through with you, he will desert you and take with him your innocence and your pride. you will be left much sadder but not a lot wiser, and for a long time you will wonder what happened and what you did wrong. And if another of his kind comes knocking at your door, will you open it? ”

Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us.. Dr. Hare

My daughter opened that door and has been displaying classic signs of a victim. A victim who has lived with a pyschopath/sociopath for several years.

Typical Signs of Victimization:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Difficulty falling asleep
• Loss of energy
• Numbing of feelings
• Irritability
• Loss of Interest in Life
• Suicidal thoughts or actions
• The classical symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

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Healing Journey

It has been 3 months that I have been separated and have identified my past relationship as abusive. Today was my last day at the matrimonial home and I find myself sad, angry, and relieved at the same time. I am saying goodbye to my past life, and reclaiming my own life. This in itself is very frightening. I am familiar with being a “wife”, daughter-in law, and sister-in-law. Now, I am none of these things. I find myself in unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory. During these past 3 months, I have met many single people and have developed friendships with single people. Even though I am single, I feel like I am out of my element. My past life was such that I had few friends and never went out, except to watch his baseball games and hang out this his friends. My own life was taken away from me, more and more each year. I remember, before I met my ex-husband I was very talkative, had many friends, and socialized. Now, I am a lot more conservative and quiet. I am trying to recapture the life that I once had. Over, the last 3 months I have gone to Toronto several times to see some friends. I find myself going to bars with single people and I notice that I look different and act different than everyone else. My clothes are conservative and I am not searching for a man. I have seen a lot of single people in their thirties and they are dressed so provocatively, and it scares me. I do not want to give off that image, that I am available, and attract the wrong man. I find myself so confused. I used to dress provocatively when I was in my 20s, but I am passed the bar and club scene. Maybe I am old fashion, but I would eventually like to meet someone not from a bar or club, and develop a friendship first. Sometimes, I think about my ex-husband and his girlfriend, whom he had an affair with, and I think it is so unfair. He does not have to be single, and “swim in unfamiliar waters.” Even though, I do not want him, sometimes I still get so angry, even though I try not to. Why do I have to be single? Why do I have to spend 5 hours cleaning the matrimonial house?”, and why do I have to pick up the pieces, while he is enjoying his new life? It still makes me very angry. I keep thinking that life has a way of working itself out, and that everything happens for a reason.

I went for a massage tonight, and realized something about myself that I find concerning. A male RMT was booked to do my massage, and I flat out declined. The thought of a man touching me terrified me and made me feel very uncomfortable. Similar, to the single scene, when a man approaches me I feel very uncomfortable and do not give him the time of day. I realized tonight, that I have been deeply affected by the abuse. I hope that I can trust one day and remove my barriers, but I also realize that it is going to take someone special and a long time. I noticed that when a man talks to me, I would begin to shake. Maybe that is why I am so uncomfortable at bars, and I am not ready to let my guard down. It is funny though, the men that I did talk to yesterday at a bar said some things that were interesting. One drunk chap, gave me a high five, and accidentally touched my face, and said, “You deserve better”. The behavior did not make sense to what he was saying, but it made sense to me. Another man said, “you have to be happy and live your life”.

I start my PhD tomorrow, and am hoping that my life will change from doing this and be more meaningful. I have to really focus on completed this degree, so that it will open up so many different opportunities in the future. Life is interesting, “it can change direction without a moments notice”.

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Change

August 28, 2007

Today at work I had difficulty working. I felt like my hands were paralyzed. I went for a walk with my friend from work and I felt a bit better. I could not concentrate. then I went to the lawyer. He said he is optimistic and that he will buy me out. I know I should be happy but I felt very sad and angry at the same time. At home it just seemed that he wanted to get rid of me. I spoke to my mom and she reminded me that he was trying to poison me, and it is good that I am out.

I have decided to change my life in so many ways.  I want to do something different. I have realized that I do not like office work. It is boring. I do not want to stay here for more than 5 years. Maybe my life will be better now.

I have an appointment to look at condos. I think that would be ideal. I just have to keep focused on my goal.

I think if I met someone, they would have to be deserving. I have to get out and meet people. I have to join something. I don’t want to live in isolation. I was alone for years. I do not want to be needy!

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Another Sad Holiday

August 21, 2007

Thank God another long weekend is over! The holidays and stats are very hard. Although we never did anything on long weekends, I have this vision that he was out on a patio, drinking and having fun. It must be so easy for him to move on. I don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. How can someone hurt me so much. Then I thought, I would not mind having a couple of drinks on someone’s patio. I like to do that. Am I not good enough. Then I wandered what we did over the summers. All I remember is on the weekend I would watch his baseball tournaments, then he would have a few beers in the parking lot. I also remembered being ignored. I would sometimes leave and just meet him at his parents. I did not stop him from playing and I tried to attend most games. So, I don’t get it. Did he go to house parties when he was not home and not tell me. I gave him so much freedom. In fact I could not help it if I had to work to 6:30 and not want to do anything when I got home. I would remember he would make me a drink even when I said no. He always wanted me to drink.

I also remember that I did not show him much affection. All he did was come home , want sex, talk about money, then watch TV. How could I offer affection to someone who did not treat me well. I have so much love to give. I know how to give it, but I guess I did not want to. Then I think life would be different had I given him more affection, more sex, and gave him the money that I owed him for my brakes. Why didn’t I pay him back? I guess because I resented him, since all he talked to me about was finances. I remember near the end I said that I would work out a payment plan. But he never discussed it further. I think in his mind I owed him money since we started dating. Even though he made me take out a $10,000 loan for the wedding to pay him back, even though my parents payed for it and he also overcharged me an extra $300.00 a month for my share of the bills for over a year.

All I ever wanted was a happy marriage. I envisioned a marriage when two people talk about everything, and are able to sit outside and have a couple of drinks and just enjoy each other’s company. I guess I just got sick of being ignored. The only topics that interested him was finances, sex, and healthy eating, that was all. I wander since they both have the same career if he will actually talk to her. I wish I could be a fly on the wall. I don’t think he would be talking about me , his business, the divorce. But I think he is starting to give her advice about money. Is this one different? Will he talk to her like his friends or will he begin to treat her different. I wish someone would tell me that they have broken up! I would feel better.

When is life going to get better? When will the pain go away? I wake up and it is there. I go to bed and it is there. I never knew I could endure this much suffering. I still can’t believe this is happening to me!

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It’s Called Hurt

August 17, 2007
Today started off really rough. I was in my office and felt very overwhelmed, and found it difficult to concentrate. I was just so engulfed with emotion. I then went to the park and I could not stop crying, so I called the Woman’s Shelter and spoke with a councillor on the phone. I felt better and was able to return to work. I was surprised how good it was to talk to somebody. My friend from work then came into my office and we went for a walk. She is such a good friend, she makes me laugh. She wanted us to go away from here and move to Calgary. The idea to leave town is very tempting. I wander what it would be like to change my environment. I no longer would be triggered by black Toyotas, and no longer wander if she is working here in town. I would be free! I also thought it might be fun to go the National Theatre School . That is something I wanted to do when I took theatre at University. It would be a completely life! I still feel like I am trapped in a way because I am still here with the same job.I am still so sad and hurt. I have to stop obsessing about them. I still cannot believe this is happening to me. It is funny but I do not want to be with him, but at the same time I do not want to be alone. I hate it! I am not used to it. I do not want to be single and 32. I was supposed to be married. I want their relationship to fail! I want him to feel what it is like to be alone.

I have attended many councelling sessions and still am not mentally well. It is just too overwhelming.To watch you ex husband leave and nothing, a hug, a kiss goodbye, to fearing for your safety. Also to have the police in your house “for your protection” when 2 weeks before we were watching TV in our house. I am still finding it hard to digest. And then to have it labelled abusive finding out it could have resulted in death is very overwhelming.Why aren’t my cats sick anymore? Why am I not throwing up anymore? I was thinking of taking Ipecac just to see if I felt the same.

I ask myself why?, why? why? everyday. And what the hell really happened. It was hell. I could probably write a book. As I lay here I have an uncomfortable feeling in my chest that will not go away. I think it is called “hurt”

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Please Turn Off The Lights… the Management

If I was to be perfectly honest there were signs from the very beginning of their relationship. On their first date he picked her up for dinner in the dead of winter wearing only a pullover and a toque and managed to have my daughter pay for her own dinner. He was almost immediately at our house at every waking moment, and after a few days into their relationship I would come home from work and find him right at home showering and shaving in my bathroom. I was immediately turned off. He was cocky from the beginning. He thought it was his right. We would notice at times he would make fun of her, in a almost “put down”, way. I remember the time she fell while jogging. She knew she needed an x-ray,she has weak ankles but for some reason he thought that it wasn’t necessary right away and it was more important for her to sit in a lawn chair (in pain) at his mother’s while he practiced his golf swings. He only took her to the walk-in clinic after she called me. She broke her foot. And up until they separated he continually brought up the incident and would make fun of her how breaking her foot was her fault. She ran too close to the edge. He always pointed out what she did wrong. I know now that by not bringing her to the clinic immediately was in fact his control and power in the infancy of their relationship.

It all changed dramatically after they were married. She was not happy. We could see it. They did not seem like a couple newly married, that couldn’t keep their hands off each other, who were in love. Their relationship had moved to a different level. This was clear to me when I visited her one day and noticed holes in her doors and signs underneath every light switch that said. PLEASE TURN OFF THE LIGHTS…….the MANAGEMENT.

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My Nightmare Continues

August 11, 2007

Today started off on a good note somewhat, after the drive to work. I tried so hard not to look to the left, when driving. I was so nervous that I would pass by him again. I had an appointment at the bank. She wanted a signed separation agreement so I was not approved for the loan. After talking to the lawyer at Woman’s Place I doubt if I will be approved. I called my lawyer’s assistant and expressed how disappointed I am that they do not return any of my calls and at that point I felt empowered. I then spoke with my abuse councillor and felt better. I then went and spoke with the lawyer at Woman’s Place. She was very direct, and basically said that I was in control of the process and that my lawyer has been waiting for me to give him my financial statement. I felt like I am getting slapped in the face time and time again. It is only about assets. Forget about the scars he inflicted and the affair. They do not mean anything. I am so tired of people being blunt with me. It is easy for people to say things without considering the impact. People do not understand. I lived with this person for 7 years. They did not marry this person, I did! This nightmare is not going away. I feel like I keep getting shot down, over and over again. Will something good ever happen? I have suffered enough. Or will it get worse? I am not very optimistic.I am starting to get used to this. I wish that my mom would think before she speaks sometimes. Her comments are sometimes hurtful. Like you need to complete your financial statement, he has moved on with his life. I do not want to hear that. I felt my heart sink into my stomach. I spend time with my abuse councillor trying to understand and put things into perspective. Comments like that make me revert back. They are too strong and direct! I hope tomorrow is a better day.

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Rejection

August 10, 2007

Today was a difficult day. On my drive to work I saw my ex- husband. I can still see the image in my head. He was wearing his golfing sweater, track pants and sunglasses. His car was also messy. I remember only being a passenger in that car a couple of times, since he bought it. He said it was to messy and always drove my car. I was proud of myself that I never reacted when I saw him. I did not shed a tear or shake. He looked very intense. It is amazing that I am still legally his wife and he passed by me like he did not even know me. It is hard to believe that 2 1/2 months ago Iwas married to him and lived in Mount Cope, was with him for 7 years, and he just passed by me like it did not matter. I hope I do not see him tomorrow. Now I will be nervous on my drive to work that I am going to run into him. I still cannot wrap my head around, how someone I slept with for 7 years is sleeping with someone else. I chose to walk away, and he did not. I will never understand it . It is like I am being punished.Idid not realize that when I said I do 4 years ago that I would be in this situation. Why me? How is it fair that he has gone on with his life and I am still in pain. I hope she goes to hell!There should not have been a third party involved. She had nothing to do with my marriage. How can she hold her head up high. Is she stupid or something? It just seems like she won. But what did she win? Someone who will eventually is going to treat her like shit. No thanks! today I also had two ambulances follow me. I wander if he came from our house? Why would he come that way from work? I wander if he has thought about me once. He failed me as a husband.

I was not that upset until I spoke with a collegue on the phone. I told her about my ex, and she seemed very short with me. I just felt rejected again! Rationally speaking I crossed the professional line, and maybe she was uncomfortable talking about that at work. Maybe I am reading into it. It is hard to be rejected!It doesn’t help my self confidence. I guess that is the risk I have to take to put myself out there. I have been isolated for too long. there is nothing wrong with me. Tomorrow will be better!

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Beginning

August 09, 2007

Today was a good day at work.I did not have to think about my situation. I am so busy. Too busy. One of my collegues came into my office to see how I was. I asked her out for dinner. If I was still in my old life, I would not have initiated this. It feels good to talk without having reservations like there is something wrong with me! I feel a little bit like my old self, but it will take more time. I went for a massage after work. It was so relaxing and I find it so therapeutic during this crisis. I am able to separate myself in my mind from the situation. I felt good today and want more days like this. I took only 1/2 a sleeping pill today, I am trying to take myself off them. My head is too foggy.

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Faith

August 07, 2007

Today I went to another of my friend’s shower. I was so upset!!! I had so many triggers this morning.   Then I went to church with my friend’s family. I cried during church. I just wanted to die. I was contemplating becoming a born again Christian. I spoke with the pastor and he said that divorce was only accepted if adultery was committed. It does not matter if it was an abusive relationship or not. I know my God saw what was happening and supported the decision to end the marriage. I asked for help so many times. While my friend was opening her gifts I wanted to hang myself.The memories were very overwhelming. I do not like the position I am in. I think this is part of his revenge.

My life is very different now and it is not because I am in a rebound relationship. I cannot do that

My ex was a parasite.

Being with him was painful and punishment enough.

THIS SHALL PASS!

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Trying To Make Sense of Abuse

August 02, 2007

I am trying so hard to understand what I have been through during the last 7 years, and what I am going through now. I have sought many resources, both human and material. I am trying to make sense of abuse and the abuser. When I got married 4 years, I thought that I was entering into a valid marriage, but in reality it was only a sham. He never loved me, and for that matter I do not even know if he even liked me. He had a plan, and the reason that I am separated today is that I did not comply too his plan. I often think of his playmate, and have been told over and over again that he has a plan for her, only she does not know it.I find myself so angry at times that I fantasize about hurting someone, but that anger is quickly replaced with a profound sadness. I want to heal from the abuse, and want to live a normal and happy life. Yet, I am finding out that there is no quick fix, and that healing will take time and I should give myself permission to heal. I have been told by many professionals that I have to constantly engage in self talk and to try to focus on myself and not even think about him. Apparently, if I am thinking about him, then he is still controlling me. Although in some regards I have become my own advocate. I have retained a lawyer, legal advocate, transitional support worker, EAP counselor, women’s abuse counselor, women’s abuse support group, and will be seeking a sexual abuse counselor. I am grabbing hold of anything, to get past this difficult time.

My ex has done 7 years of damage that cannot be easily erased. I need to build up my self-esteem and reclaim my life. I remember that before I met my ex, I was full of life and had so much energy and had many friends. Often times, I would have parties at my house. What happened? I know that person exists somewhere, but it will take time to find her. I am trying hard to reconnect with old friends and make new ones (women only). I want a different life. I certainly do not want to date for a while, because I will be attracting the same type of man. I want to break the cycle of abuse, and one day have a nurturing relationship based on mutual love and respect. I consider myself never married.

I am so tired. It is so quiet, while I am typing this entry. No one is criticizing me or patronizing me, instead there is dead silence. However, the abuse still resonates with me, even though my ex is gone. If only I can erase 7 years, if only I said, “I don’t” instead of “I do”, and if only I had listened to my inner voice while we were dating, I might be happier.

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1,2,3,4…..

August 02, 2007

Today started off OK then I went to Woman’s Weekly, my abuse support group. We talked about sexual abuse. I had forgotten that I used to count during sex. Actually I counted often during the relationship. They said it is very common for woman who are abused to do this. I started to shake and felt very overwhelmed. It was a way to detach from the relationship. I started doing this in our first house. Apparently, they wear you down, it is a tactic that they use. I cannot believe how bad my relationship really was. I am trying so hard to get through this.

Supports:

• Lawyer
• Grief and abuse counseling
• Abuse counseling
• Woman’s Weekly ; Abuse group
• Transitional counseling
• Design For a New Tomorrow; self-esteem; abuse counceling

I did not want to be with him!

I divorced him emotionally a long time ago

I detached myself a long time ago

I did not want to be married to an ABUSER anymore

I DESERVE BETTER!

PLEASE TAKE A FEW MOMENTS TO PARTICIPATE IN OUR POLL : DATING AFTER ABUSE

Rules

August 01, 2007

Yesterday I was so upset that I went to the bank to find out about my financial situation. I am trying to undo the mess that he has created on so many levels. I was relieved to find out that I am able to consolidate my debt and make a monthly payment that is affordable (hopefully). My mother payed off my car and I have paid my line of credit off. I will now try to pay my BMO and that will leave me with a $22,000 debt. WOW! Work was alright I was better able to concentrate. My mom told me last night that I divorced him in my heart years ago. I believe that to be true. I did not want to be with him. There was so many rules. Cannot sit in a restaurant beside other people, we had to be isolated. He would never talk to me only about finances and sex. So what am I missing? Walking on eggshells? I did not enjoy his company, it was rather painful. I would hold my breath hoping he would not disagree with me, he would not ignore me, or talk about finances. He used to always tell me what to do with my life and career. He does not even know me.

I went to see one of my councillor’s today,. She is charging me less money so I can keep coming. I also phoned Design For a New Tomorrow. It is transitional abuse therapy. I hope it can also help with my self esteem. I am tired I forgot that I took a sleeping pill.

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Another World?

July 28, 2007

Today was a very difficult day, I just wanted to die. I am trying to get my finances in order and it is very difficult. I was contemplating on leaving the world because it hurts too much. My friend from work called and asked if I wanted to go dancing. I did not want to go dancing so we decided on going to a sushi bar. As soon as I walked into the sushi bar, I felt so outdated. I wore blue jeans and a black button down shirt. The girls in there were very fashionable and the bar was very trendy. I liked it . It seemed to reflect my personality more than the bar my ex used to take me to. It was refreshing sitting with other professionals that are dressed well. Maybe, there is another world out there that I have yet to tap into. I am hoping that my life will be so different in a year from now. I am so tired. I always feel drowsy. I wander if the sleeping pills are in my blood stream. It is my ex’s birthday. I never cared before, Why do I care now? I do not remember what I got him last year.

What am I missing:

• a meal at his mother’s where he would ignore me
• an evening at the bar he likes with his sister
• dinner at a restaurant where he would not talk to me and I would be constantly reading the menu.

I miss the security blanket.

PLEASE TAKE A FEW MOMENTS TO PARTICIPATE IN OUR POLL: DATING AFTER ABUSE

Missing

July 26, 2007

Today I went to my friends stag n’ doe. It was so hard. I try very hard to be there for her but it is so difficult when I am in so much pain. I felt like someone is missing. I was not complete. I am missing my ex. But what am I missing? If he was here he would just sit there like a log and ignore me. I was in charge of the crown and anchor . I really did not want to be there. It is like an alcoholic going to a bar. When is this pain going to end? I get wrapped up in his girlfriend. I think of everything. I hope she goes to hell. I want to inflict on her the pain that I feel. But I know in the future she will feel like I do. He will be abusive towards her. I hope she will feel like I do. I still can’t believe this is happening to me. Does he think about me at all? Seven years has to account for something.

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Emptiness

July 25, 2007

Today, I was profoundly sad at work. I am having difficulty getting through the day. I just feel so empty and lonely inside that I want it to end. The hurt, sadness and anger are very overwhelming. I wish someone would just shoot me, or that I get into a car accident. I am trying to make sense of it, but I cannot understand it fully. I have changed so much since this has happened. I watch other people laughing and having fun, and I do not feel that way. I am watching my world fall apart. But what world should I be mourning? I just feel so out of my element. It seems like I am getting support from work, although I do not want everyone to know my personal business. But I guess I made it somewhat public when I reverted back to my maiden name. I could not bear having his last name. I do not want to be associated with that bastard! It is hard to believe that just 1 1/2 months ago I was married and wanted children. Now I am not married and I find out that my whole marriage was a sham. He used me! Seven years was a long time, and I am having difficulty erasing it overnight, even though he has moved on. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I met him while helping cancer patients. I guess I was the perfect target. It just hurts so much. I cannot get passed it.

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The Devil I Knew

July 20, 2007

“Today was a difficult day. I decided not to go to work because I was so upset. So I went for a run and then I went to Catholic Family Services for my appointment with my “abuse” councillor. I told her about the IPECAC poisoning at work. My ex-husband put ipecac in his yogurt at work because one of his co-workers was always taking his food from the fridge and eating it. He wanted to teach him a lesson. I told my councilor that I was throwing up all time and so were my cats. I was always going to the doctor’s , my cats were always going to the vet. They could not find out what was wrong with me. The vet could not find out what was wrong with my cats. Since the day he left, we are all fine. We are not sick. I have reason to believe that he was poisoning me. Was he trying to get rid of me, or was he trying to teach me a lesson? He had a plan for me and he constantly reminded me that I was not following his plan. I kept thinking , what plan? I guess the plan was to take my money and make more from me. Several weeks before he left, he was trying to convince me to put naked pictures of myself on the web, because as he would tell me ” we can make lots of money “. He said we could only put my breasts up, no-one would know it was me. I said no and then asked wouldn’t it bother you to have your wifes naked pictures on the web. He said no. Because we could make lots of money! Just before he left he sneaked into to the bathroom while I was taking a bath and started taking pictures of me. Did he post them? Is he making money from me?

I always thought there was something wrong with him. He never talked to me about anything else other than money and sex. I know now that he never loved me when we married. He merely saw me as an object. That is why he lacked empathy and compassion. He used to say to me that I looked at him as if he was a monster. He is. I lived with this monster for almost 4 years and I am left to pick up the pieces.”

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