May 07, 2008
I have realized more in the past couple of days that dating was merely a distraction for me. It mirrors an addiction, it gives you a very natural high, and you forget about your problems for a while. This is not healthy. I realize more that I am not ready to date and I am beginning to evaluate my mental health. I think that throughout my marriage I was depressed, and never dealt with it. Although I held it together as much as I could during the separation, it is now quiet and I have to deal with my relationship, marriage, and divorce. I buried my feelings for so long that they are coming to surface. When speaking with my mother, she said that we have spent so much time trying to understand emotional abuse that we forgot about the negative impact of divorce. Divorce is like a death and it comes with several losses, loss of identity, familiarity, friends, possessions and everything I once knew. I sometimes think it is worse than a death, because the person is still alive. I understand that there are millions of people who are divorced, in fact 50% of marriages in Canada fail. If the statistic is so high, then why are there not more support systems available. It seems like divorce is still a taboo subject that people are uncomfortable to talk about, because they are afraid that it can happen to them. In fact, some people shy away from people who are divorce, especially if they are in an unhealthy relationship. It has been 1 year from me and I am still healing. I have decided to do some research on divorce and spend time healing. I have also sighed up for a self-esteem workshop and counseling again. I would like to be who I once was, and am continually striving to be happy without a man. I do not need a man to validate who I am. I guess I did not realize the amount of loss that I had endured this past year. My life changed in 5 minutes. I do not doubt that I am in a better place, but it is time to deal with the divorce and free myself from this pain that I am been carrying, not for 1 year but as long as I have been with him.