I am a survivor of domestic abuse. I was one of the many women who saw the signs and ignored
them bc of “love” or what I thought was love. I had a gun held to my head, mentally abused,
isolation, lost friends part of my family the whole nine. I just THANK GOD!!!!!!! that I
changed my life in the nick of time and I was removed from the situation,, actually moved
out of State… Like one my songs goes from back in the day by Eve(Love is Blind) and that it
was. I felt so low to the point where I wouldn’t keep myself up, I was forced to stay in da
house and make it so bad I had my small child at the time who seen allot that I know she
shouldn’t have seen. And to this day I regret it. But once I let God back in my life we
had a long sit down talk and our lives came together for the best.
HE WANTED TO CONTROL MY EVERY MOVE…
It was sickning. My hair fell out, I ended up wearing a wig.. To this day, I witness
to young girl and sometimes women who are in domestic relationship. to leave
bc it’s not worth it.. and last but not least LEAVE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!
“GOD WILL LOVE YOU, WHEN NO ONE ELSE WILL”!!
Jakki’s Story :
Hi I have been away from that monster for a very long time but when I escaped in time
I am still not right Just seing that tape brings it all back and the anger
I still have.I am lonely and drink too much and fat and ugly. And annoyed that I did not
get him in prison for what he did.
You marry a guy you think loves you. You spend over 12 years married to him and all of that time trying to have children with him. You excuse the annoyances, the put downs, the criticism, the snide remarks. You love him. You try very hard to make him happy though it seems he never is.You have the children and the disability you've been struggling with for a couple years gets worse. You no longer have many friends, you can't go out, your husband goes to work and then out for hours at a time. And leaves you alone. With 2 children. While you are sick.But that's not the worst of it. He no longer wants to have sex. At all. You stopped initiating. You noticed years ago he refused to initiate but he promised it would change after all the scheduled sex for infertility, etc. But it doesn't. You are sharing a bed with a virtual stranger. You wake up in the morning clinging to the side of the bed where you have almost been shoved off. You are told to go sleep on the couch now because your disability makes you sweat. You sleep on the floor of your children's rooms to be there for them so he can sleep and go to work. He tells you he resents that you can't work anymore and he's the bread winner. He feels "put upon." You confront him about the no sex. He looks at you like a deer in headlights. You ask repeatedly what he wants - anything - another woman, another man, toys, porn... anything. And he avoids.He refuses therapy and projects it all back on you. If it wasn't for your kids you'd want to die. You can't work anymore and now you feel like nothing. No love. No sex. Nothing but blame and anger. Nothing. But the verbal and emotional abuse continues. You finally realize you are being abused through therapy and cold hard thought. You try to get him to therapy again. No dice. You are too physically ill to fight and too broke to up and leave just then. You're nothing. Just a cipher. Then, one day, you get an email from an old friend. Someone you haven't talked to in over 20 years. Someone actually remembers you! It's very nice to catch up. You want to meet his family, have him meet yours. (I shall use his online nick Yidwithlid or YWL...) But, in just a week or so, this old friend brings up that you & he slept together back in the day. He "says" you deflowered him. You have no idea. You laugh. He asks you about your marriage after telling you his is stone cold and he doesn't love his wife anymore - and hasn't for a long time. You have a sympathetic ear, you think. You tell him what's going on. No reason not to trust him after he'd shared his marital woes with you. Right? Then every conversation with him turns to how much he "liked" you and making you feel guilty for not "liking" him back. You try to tell him it wasn't that way - it was the other way around. He never called you or dated you - you just slept together. He waxes poetic about how nice you are,what a good person, probably a good mother and how loving the sex was. You are shocked he remembers anything at all. He throws in just enough details so you think maybe he does remember and you don't.He makes you think he still has feelings for you. He listens to you, asks about your health, asks about your feelings and draws you out - you are so relieved. Finally, someone who listens and cares. Before you know it, one day, out of the blue, your 'old friend' initiates cybersex. You've been so depressed for so many years and just existing something inside you makes you go along. Next thing you know you do it again with him. He only calls you 3 times in 2 years -twice for phone sex. Never ever just a 'hi' how are you call. He says he CAN'T call you - that he couldn't "control" himself around you if he saw you or called. He tells you this more times than you can count. If you get sick, he goes from concern to 'could care less. ' In fact, he gives you the vibe your illness somehow 'inconvenienced' him. But you blow it off - like you blew off all the abuse you'd been getting in your marriage for all those years. It was good practice at denial. One night he spends 2 hours online with you telling you how he HAS to be with you sexually. Just once. He doesn't know how he's going to make it happen but he needs you desperately. You can't believe it. You tell him to slow down. How about lunch? A drink? You have kids. You want to meet his family. This isn't right. And you don't do "just once." In fact, you aren't sure you want to continue. He pleads a few more times. You turn his pleas over and over in your head. And something inside you snaps. You don't really have inner strength to say no after all those years of abuse and abandonment. You reluctantly say O.K. to the ongoing cybersex but still hedge on the real sex. You'd rather have a normal friendship but somehow every online chat turns to sex. You can't think straight - you feel like you were run down by a love train. You remember the abortion you had for him and decide not to tell him. You remember how much you liked him and how he blew you off but he 'explains' it all away. You fall back in love with him like you did over 25 years before. Then your husband finds out. Your husband's been hacking your computer and passively aggressively emails you & your old friend. What does your old friend do? Disappear for 5 weeks leaving you to take beatings, verbally & physically, from your husband. When your 'sympathetic ear' does come back online - he's ANGRY that you & your husband are going to counseling and have decided to separate. And all those "I have to have you" feelings? Gone. Poof. You ask the old friend who you have been baring your soul to and he gives no answer. When you ask him - he disappears offline for a few days. You chat with him as just friends for over a year but he still refuses to introduce you to his family or meet yours. The one time you pressure him to have lunch with you he acts oddly - as if you're an annoyance to be near. But you let him skate because you no longer know the difference between abuse and normal behavior. And your husband is abusing you daily - because of 'old friend.' A few months into this one day you are online with him and a female friend of yours who doesn't live far from him. You mention to him you are chatting to her too. He then IMs her (who he doesn't know or ever been introduced to!) some very suggestive things. She is furious, blocks him and tells you he's a creep. You tell her she over-reacted. 21 months after your 'old friend' looks you up and involves you in this 'affair' you find out he's planning a full blown affair with a yet another friend of yours on the other coast!Another severely abused, lonely and depressed woman. That you introduced to him. She tells you he's emailing, calling her 2-4 times per day, offering gifts, money and has used a business trip to a city near her to start the physical affair. Using the hotel paid for by his employer as the place. He tells her he LOVES her and she's his SOULMATE. No, they have never met in person. And most of all, telling her things about you that are mind-boggling in their nasty, twisted intent... with the added caveat for her NOT to speak to you ever because YOU are supposedly "obsessed" with him.Oh, and by the way, he uses the EXACT SAME come-on lines and the EXACT same cybersex scenarios with her.This girlfriend of yours even sends you a short homemade "movie" he made of himself. That shocked her so much she's already sent it to the FBI. You spend almost 3 days not sleeping and puking into the drain in your garden so your kids won't hear or smell. You don't eat. You haven't just been had. You call your therapist and she tells you about emotional rape. You decide that its time to tell his wife what he's doing. NOT as revenge but because it should have been done a long time ago. You had kept your husband from going to his wife before -now she should know what he's doing. You're in deep shock. You can't believe this is the same person you've known all this time. You wonder if what he's told you about his wife is even true, since he lied so outrageously about you. And you worry about his kids and what he's doing locked in his office online all the time. "Old Friend" finally calls you on the phone and tries to talk to you. He tries to lie a little more. He tries to keep you from telling his wife. He tells you you "mean too much to him" and he doesn't "want to lose you out of his life." He even tries to tell you he has "feelings" for you.You tell him how you feel; it pours out of your mouth like one long scream. He hangs up on you and you go puke out in your garden some more. You know he was lying. Why? Because a few days earlier, your girlfriend he was planning the affair with, the one he loved? Let you know that he told her that he'd "NEVER LOVED YOU! NEVER!" and that you are a scorned & obsessed woman. You tell your girlfriend to please go be with him because you want him to be happy. But she does a little investigating on her own and calls you back to tell you - you were right and he's been lying to her too. Now you really need to tell his wife because destructive lying seems to be a way of life for him and you know he went through a 10 month unemployment where she was paying his bills for him. So he was the user and abuser in the marriage, not her. She deserves to know. You apologize, IN WRITING, to his poor wife every time you send her anything and include your phone number - just in case. When he finds out you told his wife, he threatens you & your kids. Threatens to help your abusive, now estranged husband, take your precious children away. You know he's lied to the wife about you and done major damage control. But the threat sends you to your precinct's domestic violence officer - who sends you to Computer Crimes. By the time you get to Computer Crimes its been over a week. You are barely sleeping. In the meantime this "old friend" has sent you AND your girlfriend he's 'in love' with an apology. Together. Both of you.Her first. Like a chain letter. Not only that he misspells your last name in a lewd manner. You are so deeply traumatized and all the feelings of being unwanted and self-destructive surface. You self-harm and the day after you go to Computer Crimes your doctor puts you in the hospital over night for the self-harm. You leave after being treated, put on heavy sedatives. You go home to the children and angry estranged husband who blames you for everything. You feel like garbage. WHAT'S THAT SMELL At Computer Crimes what was a personal shock becomes a virtual nuclear explosion. Your 'old friends' online activities are found in just a few minutes. What's there? - loads of porn, loads - some interactive (with corroborating credit cards) - postings about hookers he's seen on his lunch hour - starting at least TWO YEARS before he even looked you up! These postings are detailed and objectifying. Some of the most disgusting things you have ever read. And some WORD FOR WORD things he said to you during cybersex. - credit cards traced to phone sex lines and 1-900 lines going back at least three years BEFORE he looked you up. You tell them you'd asked him repeatedly if he'd ever seen a hooker and he told you no. Lie number one. Big lie. The victim's assistance officer takes you to the bathroom to puke some more. The detectives tell you this has added damning information to a small investigation on 2 local brothels that they are investigating. They probably won't do much about him - small potatoes. You tell them to please leave him alone - he's got a family. You leave and go home. New information in hand. You let 'old friend' know you know. The police call -Old friend's been busy 'cleaning his tracks.' All the postings suddenly "disappear." The credit cards get ditched and new ones are gotten, they say. The girlfriend he "loves" tells you he'd dumped his cell phone - probably gotten a new one. The detectives laugh about him 'destroying evidence.' They show you how nothing ever dies on the internet. You feel sick. Five months later another friend of yours, a severely abused woman with children in the middle of a divorce (the one who lives near him & blocked him after getting some lurid IMs from him?) -calls you. Guess who just put HER on his mailing list. She tells you that he must have gotten access to her IM list because back when he was just starting on you, he IM'd her - out of the blue -said he was a friend of yours and then proceeded to post LEWD comments to her & she blocked him. She didn't want to tell you at the time but she did save the chat and sends it off to the Police as well. (BTW - old friend even accuses her of trying to HARASS him on your behalf later! Which she never did and WOULD never do! Always the martyr that old friend.) The detectives are told. Your email is watched. You destroy your computer and wait a few months to save up for a new one. A few months after that, the moderator of an online support group you belong to tells you (since they have already ask for the 'old friend's' IP, etc) that he's coming frequently to the group. Reading all your posts. All your pain. All your distorted thoughts and agony. They make sure to give you proof. You install a hit counter on your blog even find him coming to your personal blog every Saturday night for weeks before you confront him online. Nothing happens. You become reclusive and don't go out or make anynew friends (JUST friends) online for a couple years. Time goes by and one day you happen to be in this 'old friend's' "territory." You have no idea he's even there when you sign up but there you are. He's never called, never really apologized. Never made any attempt to put things right to you. You have tried to go on. You've been in counseling for PTSD and other issues now fairly intensively. You've gotten some of your 'self' back and are 1/2 way out of the marriage . You feel at least strong enough to voice your opinions and do so online, thereby crossing into 'his space.' You try to maintain cordial distance. And because he feels you are in his "territory" he posts a very whitewashed version of what happened. Leaving out all the hookers & porn, etc that he's sure he's erased. You will have to read it to see how he paints yours truly. The most stunning element of his story is he makes your being lured into and going along with an online affair - MORALLY EQUIVALENT to everything he's done. He also doesn't admit to anything but the online affair (which he now calls a 'game' in which 'you participated knowing that it was just a game') which would make anyone he's smeared you to believe that it was MORALLY EQUIVALENT. Suddenly YOU are the bad one. You are just as bad. Wait! You didn't see hookers. You weren't using porn or phone sex. You weren't posting about your lunchtime frolics with hookers on a 'review board.' You had an online affair with someone you really cared about because he'd led you to believe (stupidly, yes) that he cared very deeply for you in the SAME WAY and it was the ONLY SAFE WAY TO BE WITH HIM WITHOUT ANYONE GETTING HURT. You're lied about to his 'new' friends under his 'new' identity. Incredible lies. Added in is the caveat, again, not to speak to you about it because YOU are the liar. You're maligned in so many ways you lose count, as your friends tell you what he's saying about you. You try to ignore it. People you & he might both know? Are told not to speak to you, not to believe you or even post your comments on their websites. He never admits his sex addiction. You are blamed for somehow 'driving his mother to a heart attack' though you have no idea what that somehow was, or what was done. No proof is offered other than HIS word. You are blamed for things there was no physical way you could have done. Your friends are blamed for doing things on your behalf. Things which you have NO IDEA and NO CONTROL over. This is MORALLY EQUIVALENT? YOU REALIZE THE HORRIFYING FACTS: You are nothing. The only, yes the ONLY reason this person even BOTHERED to look you up? Was because you had sex a couple times over 25 years ago back in college. The ONLY reason. Since he was unemployed at the time he USED & PLAYED your emotions to make you emotionally bonded to him so you'd have sex with him again. Online and hopefully, once OFFLINE. He couldn't afford his hookers. He wanted his lunchtime fun back. He traded on his charisma and your feelings for him as well as you being TOO ABUSED & LONELY TO SEE WHAT HE WAS REALLY AFTER. A freebie. Twisted use of your friendship: Turns out 'old friend' had online postings out there AT LEAST 2 YEARS PRIOR TO GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOU for casual sex partners. Here's just a couple of what's out there(if he hasn't found some way to try to delete them. And don't worry, a number of parties have screen shots): Eroticy.com/MySexetera/Profile/ViewProfile.asp?ID=282692 Eroticy.com/MySexetera/Profile/ViewProfile.asp?ID=221863 http://www.utopiaguide.com/forums/search.php?searchid=982634 (Utopia Guide confirmed to my contacts at NYPD that YWL - his IP validated - removed all his posts. However they, my attorney, my estranged husband's attorney and my trauma counselors have validated, unaltered copies) When those ads didn't pan out, he went on the hunt and found YOU. So what was he LOOKING FOR? A freebie.Abused & lonely YOU. And played you like a fiddle. When your abusive husband found out & started beating you, you became a mere inconvenience - so he went to YOUR FRIENDS. Why not? You'd already done some great P.R. for him. You were his calling card. You the supposedly 'obsessed & lovesick' woman. How's that for being USED? And that's not even all! You realize he actually got PISSED AT YOU that your abusive husband hacked your blog and found out. He BLAMED you for that. Then, he went to YOUR FRIENDS for his added sexual outlets. Trading on YOUR GOOD WORDS ABOUT HIM. But also, to hurt you. To hurt you for YOU being hacked! For inconveniencing him. And to hurt you for LOVING HIM. The ONLY reason he looked you up: was to turn you into a FREE WHORE for him. Your friend, your sympathetic ear, the friend you defended, the person you loved, the person you'd had an abortion by (oh and by the way, a boyfriend in college beat the crap out of you over this same friend too! and YES 'old friend' knew this guy was a psycho when he introduced us), the person you offered to help find marriage counseling for he & his wife or find help for his problems, the person you'd wasted time and energy on, the friend you'd poured your heart out too? USED YOU LIKE A TISSUE AND FLUSHED YOU AWAY. How dare you turn out to be a person with feelings. How dare you say 'OUCH YOU HURT ME' How dare you complain about having your character shredded How dare you intrude on his 'reality' and his story of being YOUR 'victim.' How dare you - tell the truth. Because you are: Nothing. Unwanted. Useless. Nothing. What happened to your friend? That's really all you wanted. Your friend. What did you do to deserve being treated like this in the first place? Are you really that stupid & useless? That someone looked you up for the same thing almost every male in your life ever wanted from you - after 27 years? You must be. You were just free cybersex for this person. You weren't worth a phone call, a hello, nothing. However,you have been taking verbal & physical abuse for him. Your kids are traumatized and you are hospitalized 2x and put in a clinic for almost 2 weeks. You are now on medication for trauma. You rarely leave your house. And yet, you meant NOTHING to him - not even worth an apology to your face. Just hate & attack -attack - attack. Now I help others learn about and heal from narcs and psychopaths via my site http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com I left my narc husband. I have a restraining order against the "old friend." I will never stop telling the truth about what happened to me. Ever. I only gave the details to one site: http://cyberpathlinks.blogspot.com/2007/06/j-aka-gridney-aka-yidwithlid-aka-sammy.html Hope it helps someone else know they are not alone.
Well, i was emotionaly abused by friends. i remeber when i was in 2nd grade i made “friends” with the popular kids. after a 10-day absence i went back to school only to find that all my school friends hated me. it turns out that the “friend” i made spread a rumer saying “felize is a demon from hell ready to kill us all” and i dont even know how a second grader could come up with that.
Seven years ago my son introduced me to what would become his future bride. She had already dated both of my brothers so I knew her background. My son was 16 at the time. She was a well established Meth addict and a very good manipulator just like her mother. Within months, my son quit school and ran off with her. When I tried to break them up, her mother, not wanting to deal with her daughter's problems, dropped bombs on me that her daughter would try to commit suicide again and thanks a lot. This was just the beginning of the nightmare. Within a year both her and my son became well know Meth addicts and dealers in this area; they sold their belongings, they stole from people, they got involved with Mexican drug lords in the larger cities, we had people crawling all over our property looking for items they thought we had hidden for my son. My husband and I had to become pistol trained and invested into pistols to protect ourselves from the drug lords looking to come after our family for the money that my son owed them. For three full years our lives were pure hell. I spent those years in deep prayer, in deep agony, every day wondering if the cops would come to my home to tell me that my son was dead and I had to go ID a body, it was incredibly traumatic to endure. I lost so much of myself during that time and became someone who didn't care if she lived or died. I ever confronted lords head on that had tried to kidnap my son and was fully ready to kill them should I have to. After the drug bust went down and both my son and his to be wife served some time, things settled down. She became pregnant and nurses watched her carefully so that she didn't use drugs; it was a relief during this time. Within months of the baby being born, she turned back into the demon we all knew so well and wouldn't allow us to see our grandson. This heartache nearly killed me and I couldn't believe the betrayal my son had done to our family, it was beyond my comprehension. I sought out counseling, Reiki healing, God, anything that would help ease the pain. Months down the road he married her much to our dismay, this was in 2007. Over a year went by with no issues, I kept my mouth shut on everything they were doing, saying, whatever. She used us for all she could, and we let her with a smile on our faces, just so we could spend time with our only grandson. However, a problem arose in the summer of 2008, between two of my sons and she stopped allowing us to see our grandson just to get back at us even though we had nothing to do with the disagreement going on. Many things have been told to me since that time period about the horrible things she said about us, because we didn't accept a 15 year old Meth user and Meth dealer initially into our son's life; she would ultimately use our grandson against us. It hurt me so bad that this happened a second time after so much bonding time I had with my grandson that I spent nearly a month in a fetal position sobbing until I puked. I spent months wanting to die and praying for an end to the pain of the loss of both my son and my grandson, it was almost unbearable. I had to learn so much about living my life without either of them and knew that there was nothing I could do but move forward in my life,but I couldn't do it without God's help. I spent 8 long painful months in prayer asking for an end to this many years of painful situation going on in our families lives. I found out this month that my son and her might be getting divorced and he let me see my grandson for the first time in 8 months. I sobbed tears of joy. The situation is not over yet, it's still underway....but there is always hope no matter how bleak a situation looks like. I have a long ways to go to get through all of the trauma we suffered, the 10,000 loss we took, the cars that got ruined by him, the drug situation of his, the betrayal to our family over her, and the loss of our grandson. I'm in counseling twice a month and in prayer every day. I haven't reached a level of true forgiveness but am working on it.
im am only 15 years old and alredy in my life i have bin raped after that i kept going off with boys and i got pregnant and this week i had a miscarige no one in my family or none of my friends no about this it is really tearing me up i tried to take my own life but i am not strong enough i feel i have let every one down and i proberly have and i really dont no what to do .
I have been suffering from depression for a long time now, I have been self managing without medication
for the past 2 years and doing quite well. I have hit a brick wall again, only my Grandma and closest
friend knows about my past experiences and attempts to end my life.
Like I said I have hit another brick wall, one of my good friends has attempted to kill himself once
in the past couple of weeks and another saying that he wants to end his life . . . I though I could be
string enough to help them but it has only brought me down, I want to help and need to help.
It has got to the stage of how can i kill myself again, if i jump off here head first, walk in front
of a bus, Walk through a orange tree trimming saw and my thoughts go on, it has made me look at things
in a way of how could that kill me again.
I don’t want to be near my friends with the same problem as I am afraid of both of us doing something
to our life’s.
As i type this I think of it . . .my last key stroke, my last web blog, arrrr!!!
I choose life but it is so hard!!!
I am successful, I have material things that people think make you happy, no one believes me i get
told all the time “What the hell are you depressed about” “You have everything”
Small town and people know, they treat you different, you are excluded, they may catch what you have,
why are people so cruel?
I want to live but not here, change is needed but how?
It is a long time since I wrote my story and to the best of my knowledge it is no longer anywhere out there in cyberspace.
Bits of it are there in my responses to others and some of it is just there in who I am now. My story is unique in it’s own way and yet
the same as many in others. Now just felt like a good time to do it again just as I am making big changes and taking some steps that are
big ones for me. The story of my abusive relationship began when I was 19. I had been quite sheltered and protected from the world
up till that point. I had no real dating experience. I had very little exposure to men outside of my family. I was at the time learning to
live my life independently in a big city away from family. My friends were in similar situations after having been in a boarding school.
I met a man. The attraction was instant. I “knew” he was the one. He was mysterious and exciting with a culture and race that differed
to mine. He was a student here from another country to study.
The first incident I remember was at a party with him a month or so after we met we were offered drinks on arrival. A while later x
asked if I wanted another drink and I said no as I didn’t at that point. He did not ask me again. Maybe an hour later someone else
offered me a drink and I accepted because by that time I did want one. X was quiet after that. He barely spoke to me for a couple of days.
I had no idea why. I wondered if I had committed some cultural faux pas. He would not tell me. In many ways he was amazingly kind and in
those early days. He would prepare meals for me and nothing was too much trouble.
We talked a lot about all sorts of things. He was interesting and appeared interested in what I had to say. In all that talk he did tell me some cultural things that he appeared to defy. That he was telling me who he was and how he would eventually treat me only became obvious later.
Even in the early days of the relationship some patterns were set. We often went to his friend’s homes where he would expect me to sit quietly with nothing to do and no one to talk to as he and his friends talked and laughed speaking in a language I did not understand. He would get mad at me if I grew restless or complained. At other times he was supposedly only dropping in at a friend’s for a minute and would expect me to wait in the car. The minute at times was as long as an hour and he would get mad if I came looking for him. I loved him. It never occurred to me that I could walk out of these situations and go home. I allowed this treatment partly thinking I was being unreasonable and also because I wanted to be with him. Seems quite silly now when it is clear I was not really with him those times anyway.
We saw a lot of his friends but we rarely ever saw my friends. He always had a reason or excuse. I gradually saw less of my friends as seeing them meant not seeing him. I really was totally obsessed with him. He was doing wrong by me yet in my mind he could do no wrong.
I came to learn that if I stepped on his toes in any way I would be treated to the silent treatment for a few days. I also learnt that I could never be sure where his toes were. The wrong expression, making a mistake, being right, wearing the wrong clothing and just being sometimes were “crimes”. I could not understand why I was so bad or why I kept failing him.
In those early days I would beg, plead, apologise and pretty much resort to anything to stop the silence. I had no pride or self respect. All that mattered to me was that he start talking to me again.
Silence was his most powerful weapon and he used it to punish and control.
Over the years other forms of abuse were used but silence was what he did best.
He broke things and threw things at times. A couple of times he threatened me physically so that I did fear for my life, the first of those being a hammer aimed at my head. Only once did he leave marks on me in all the years I was with him. I was pregnant with our second child at the time. It was in front of his sister and he was pulling at our then one year old son as though he were a tug o war rope all the while shouting and appearing out of control.
The elderly doctor I was seeing during that pregnancy was the first person to name what I was living with. He did try to warn me. He used the word abuse. I was not ready to hear. I made excuses for x.
Going back a bit there were other things along the way. I was accused of sleeping with a person I did not. x stole and kept a photo of mine that supposedly proved this. He kept that photo for over 25 years until I finally found it at a time I had the courage to take it back. It was a silly posed photo taken for fun with me and two male house mates in bed. Dumb maybe but quite innocent. That “crime” (his version) was dragged out and held over my head all the years I was with him.
There came a time when I thought we should settle down, marry and start a family. Even for me this was not until a few years after we first met but for him there was always a reason why not now. His reason was always because of some flaw or failing on my part. I remember being in my late twenties and x telling me that I was not ready for children yet. I now see it for the projection it was but at that time I had no clue. He did project a lot around many things. At the time those projections would have me going huh???? and wondering where his statements came from. Explanations were never forthcoming. He just knew these things.
We finally married around ten years after we first met. We married because his friends thought it time and I had stuck by him all those years. The wedding was a non event with a celebrant. I was judged by him to still not ready for kids even then.
Time passed and I watched as everyone we knew started families. I wanted a child so much. He had never trusted me sexually even when I was on the pill. He still took his own precautions. Finally when one of his friends announced they also had a child on the way it was a last straw for me. I cried and cried. I told him I was leaving him because to have a child was important to me and the clock was ticking away. I was almost 33. I was pregnant that cycle. My oldest arrived before I reached 34. The second arrived just over a year later.
I was the mother left alone most of the day in the hospital with my new baby. I had an emergency c-section. I got to watch as other dads were around attending to their partners while mine appeared for half an hour during visiting times.
He was mainly a hands off father. He never bathed, changed or dressed the kids. He would occasionally hold them. He would make a point of spoon feeding them later as it is the custom in his culture to feed children till they are at least 7 or 8. He did not really ever listen to them or play with them.
Through all this the other issues continued with some things getting much worse. As he did none of the real parenting I made the choice to stay home with the kids. To put two into child care would have eaten up my earnings in any case. Financial abuse stepped up. He found ways to ensure that his income was largely tied up so that even though he was earning a professional wage we were living in poverty. I made my children clothes out of scrap material I had. We barely had enough to keep food on the table. Utilities being cut off was a constant issue.
Everything had to be his way. He spent money on things we did not need and could not afford. He took and used the financial safety net I had to buy himself a computer. It was a lot of money back in the 80s. Never happened according to him.
Once I was busy with kids I had neither the time or the energy to run after him to try to fix whatever the perceived wrong was that I was getting the silent treatment for. The periods of silent treatment got longer and longer stretching out to up to 4 months at a time. The silence went for as long as he decided. Complete silence without a yes or a no. Nothing. Just a sour face, body language that said see me I am ignoring you and tension. His family knew but accepted it as just him. They would be subjected to it at times too. I was by then isolated. My friends had given up. I was alone.
Other things got worse too. There were accidents where I was the one hurt and it was always my fault because I should have known what he did not tell me. Like the time he just let go of the cast iron bath, we were putting back in it’s frame, so it trapped my fingers. Pretty much everything I did was wrong. My mother was in another city not far away but she would have nothing to do with x nor he with her. I could not tell her the truth. Too ashamed and thinking it all my fault. I had no friends and had learnt that I was not to encourage any. We saw his friends and family. His friends and family all being from his country, culture and language.
We visited. We had people over. For the most part other than “hello Kathy how are you” I was excluded. People who were fluent in English would follow x’s lead and not speak a word or English. If we were the guests mostly I was just ignored other than when drinks or food were offered. There were a couple of exceptions. When we were the hosts I found it hard to know when to even interrupt to offer drinks or to invite everyone to eat because I did not know where conversation was at.
There were many people I met many times in their homes and mine over a period of more then twenty years and other than their names I never was allowed to know them and they did not know me. I was invisible. Unheard and unseen.
There were other things he did to me. Much of it covert and or passive. Crazy making. Some of it just plain emotional cruelty where he would have this sick smirk on his face. He enjoyed my pain and distress.
He used to torment our pets particularly my dog. The gentlest sweetest little Cavalier would have his whiskers pulled, lemon zest or chilli put in his eyes. Just mean things always with this sick smirk.
As the boys got older they also became targets. He would start by teasing them or just slapping them on the back so it hurt (for no reason) until he got a response or reaction from them. At that point he would slap them or punish them for getting upset. My oldest was whacked on the head by x in one of these episodes. He was 10 at the time and required stitches as x split the skin on his head. X did try to prevent me getting medical help even though the bleeding was not stopping. My son and I had to come up with a story for the doctor before he let us seek treatment. I asked my son to lie for his father. I do understand where my head space was at the time but this is one of the things I found the hardest to forgive myself for. My son knows it happened and he has a scar that is visible when his hair is short but he does not remember the incident.
After this incident I asked my kids to try to not react to their father’s teasing and tormenting. The oldest did this very successfully but his younger brother could not. The youngest became the main target and was tormented regularly. My youngest had issues at school. He had issues completing any tasks because he would be invariably judged lacking by his father. Things deteriorated between father and the youngest to the point where a few years on I had a 13yo who wanted his father dead and was thinking about ways to achieve this end. There were increasingly frequent and violent fights between father and son.
There were many things he did to harm the boys. X would make it clear that spending family time with them or that being part of the boys birthdays or other special occasions was to him a waste of time. He had no understanding or interest in who they were. He had unrealistic expectations for them. He ridiculed anything they enjoyed or were good at that he did not value. In his view they should study, eat and sleep and nothing else. He would say they are not real people.
There is much much more to this story. It covered 28 years of my life. I was 19 but almost 20 when I met x. The boys and I moved out never to return 2 days before my 48th birthday. At the time I held out some hope that there was something that could be fixed. Two months out I knew there was to be no going back.
I had known for a few years that what I was dealing with was abuse but I did not understand how deep that mindset is within the abuser. I did think that it was something that could be fixed. It took me some time to understand that it was not something that could be repaired.
I had thought of leaving, and even made plans a few times but had not made it out the door. When he knew of my intentions family and friends would show up to convince me to stay. In the end I made it out by telling no one. I did tell the boys about a week before as I just could not see it would be fair to not tell them that I could not stay with their father. I organised a self drive truck for a day x was working and the boys were home on vacation. The three of us loaded up what we could and what we needed, anything that had been mine before I moved in with x and anything that was from my family. We actually made two trips.
We did not go far and we did go to a house x knew of as it was mine. We were totally exhausted and had no clue how we were going to unload the final load from the truck. I had some wonderful neighbours. They did already know me. They basically took over and got everything off that truck. I had been slowly doing repairs on that house and had kept it empty for around 3 years. X had also pressured me many times to sell it. I am so glad I did have that house. It was tiny and less than ideal but it was mine and for the first time in years I had peace and could leave double standards and eggshells behind.
X came home to a house with no family and much of the contents gone. He found a note that stated “Enough is enough, we have gone.” He threw pretty much everything we had left out of the house and into the driveway. Family members did come when he called them and talk him in to taking some of it back inside.
X did play nice for the first couple of months. He did help us and try to convince me to come back. He was never one for calling or checking. He was an out of sight out of mind kind. He took to calling at least daily to talk. The man who could not talk in the past talked a lot and even said he did some things wrong. He cried often. Never cried before. He cried for him not for the hurt he inflicted on us. I listened to him talk. I listened beyond the words to tone and context and my gut said no, no more, nothing has changed. The day came when I said I will not be coming back. He made threats. Vague hard to pin down threats that he would harm the boys. He has not spoken to me since.
The 19th of April 2009 it was nine years since we loaded up that truck. One of the hardest days of my life but also the best thing I have done.
There has been counselling, emotional turmoil and many struggles along the way over those last 9 years but it has been worth it. I have me back. I can be me. My boys are themselves and have been able to choose their own life directions. The three of us still carry scars but none of us regret leaving.
It has taken me a long time to realise that I do have a voice. I am heard. I am not invisible or worthless. I do have valid thoughts and opinions. I am a worthwhile human being. I still have moments of self doubt that have nothing to do with the facts or evidence in front of me.
Over four and a half years ago I was invited to become an admin on a popular verbal abuse online support forum. My first reaction was to say no. I was not worthy or capable. For some reason I sat with it and thought some and started to think that maybe, just maybe I could offer something. Those who asked me appeared to believe in me or why ask. I was not used to having anyone believe in me and it did feel good.
Not long before that I had started reaching out a bit more to people behind the scenes as well as on the board. I made a solid connection with a person who posted as free123. A friendship grew. We challenged, encouraged and applauded each other. I expanded my contacts and and friendships forming another very close bond along the way. I was wanting to meet these people for real. These two internet friends in particular had made a huge impact on me. In 2007 I made it to the US but sadly a meeting with free123 was not to be. I knew she was seriously ill but I held on to the hope that I would get to see her up till the day she died. Both these people played a key role in me learning to trust again and to realise that I was OK and likeable.
Another online friend also inadvertently played a part in my healing also with a post she had made to another member. It was a post about self forgiveness and it was exactly what I needed at the exact right time. It was what I needed to overcome one of my biggest obstacles to healing and loving myself.
My healing is my own but it is also tied up inextricably with the online community I am part of. Many members past and present played a role. When you post to one person you never really know how many others you may help with your words. Not every post will hit the mark. Some although wonderful in their content may not be what the intended recipient relates to but it could still be that it is just perfect for another who reads it.
The last couple of years I have started to rejoin the world in earnest. I had been almost a recluse for a few years. My trip to the US was a huge leap outside of my comfort zone. It was a gamble in that I was going to spend a fair bit of time with my friend with no idea if we would be OK together in real life. I was going to be meeting quite a lot of people that I knew but yet didn’t. That turned out to be the most wonderful and amazing thing I have done in my life. Not long before that I had also flown up to Queensland to spend a week with five other Australian forum members and that was equally wonderful in it’s own right.
I am now a volunteer on the phones for a local organisation that is an information and referral service specifically for women. It’s approach is about empowering women who call or drop in. It is about listening, encouraging and validating women and questioning them in such a way that they find their own answers. Most calls are related to domestic violence and abuse.
I know x could control his behaviours and that he chose to do what he did. He did not use the silent treatment on me for most of the last 5 or 6 years I was with him because I had said I would leave him if he did. Instead though he stepped up other abusive behaviours. I do not believe he could change his mindset even if he wanted. I do believe it is hard wired in his brain. Now for the most part he is out of sight and out of mind. The anger is gone. I do not care about him. I see him for the broken man he is.
He did come very close to killing me from the inside out. On April 19 2000 a shell of Kathy ran for her life just before the last flickering flame of me faded. I was at a point where I existed. I did not live. I think it was only because of my boys that the flame was even flickering at all. For 28 years I had no name. X did not call me Kathy. He had no pet name for me. He did not call me insulting or rude names. He never used any name for me except when forced to introduce me. He would just start talking if I was in the room. If I was not he would bellow “Where are you?”
In early December 2001 I stumbled in to a support forum for those dealing with abuse. It felt like home. People understood me and I them. Very early on I started signing my real name on my posts as I still do. I have a name and it is part of who I am. I am Kathy and I am not invisible and I am worthwhile. I matter.
My love and thanks of appreciation to all those who reached out to me and have helped me along the way. There are many I have come to know online and now count as friends. I do think I am fortunate to have stumbled across some of the most wonderful caring and compassionate people in the world. I am still a part of the online community, a member and admin at Our-Place-Online.
Kathy known also as Curly
The beginning issues that victims of stalking experience, is somewhat difficult to understand, yet more so to explain so, bare with me. The first few questions one wants the answer to,
is the ‘who’, ‘what’ ‘why’ and ‘when’? Sometimes when the ‘who’ is not confirmed, ‘what’ ‘why’ and ‘when’ do not have answers which creates complexity for others to truly have understanding
and/or the ability to help. To ‘know’ the fear factor for a victim is difficult, for the victim, they live in complete terror.
Although one can live a safe and healthy life, strong value system, loving family, they can become a victim of stalking. A lot of times one may not be aware that they are being stalked until
after it’s too late. It can go on for years. It could be someone you know, someone you interact with, possibly even someone you trusted. What I’d like to say is that no matter what,
and beyond the danger factor, it is a life of self destruction and fear that the victim/survivor goes through. The physical and psychological challenges can be traumatic and more dangerous
than the stalking itself. Being afraid won’t help the situation. Having the courage and ability to cope with the fear and act preventatively, is what is going to keep you safe.
Finding the appropriate source of help for the victim/survivor can be frustrating, but is crucial and can save your life. Often times the victim/survivor believes they can handle it on
their own and under-play their fear and anxiety they are going through.
That is where the mistake is made, often times the victim acts as if ‘it’ doesn’t exist, or they don’t know their boundaries for safety and how to find the appropriate help. Once in survival
mode, trusting anyone with something so serious is impossible unless one has positive re-enforcement and proper emotional support and protection. Often times the survivor has been brainwashed
and manipulated for so long that when they become aware that their self destruction has been imploded by their stalker, It can be overwhelming for the survivor to understand and report the
stalking to the police properly. Often times victims are not taken seriously which can be a feeling of rejection, shame or worthlessness, causing feelings of hopelessness and escalated fear.
While the stalker has gained power and control over a victim, behaviors of a victim change, this is when the victim can self destruct and not even be aware of it. Poor decisions and/or choices
are from acting out of fear, these survival behaviors do not help and will only escalate to more self destruction. Escaping if known how, seems to be the only option, but until the survivor
becomes aware of their own inner self, mass destruction is ahead.Psychological stress can be overwhelming and that is a dangerous place to be. Emotional support as well as psychological
support are very important in this type of healing and recovery, even after the stalking has stopped.
Get Safe. As i am a survivor, It has come to my reality of what Safety and Mental Health really are. Most mental health disorders don’t go away on their own. Mental health is most
important to survive and begin a healthy life again. Without professional help, and as PTSD develops, the cycle of self destruction will continue or begin all over again. If triggered by
the slightest fear, survival techniques come into play and decisions become impulsive as fight or flight mechanisms are in full force. Often times PTSD is so severe, it puts the survivor’s
safety at risk all over and keeps them in a mental disarray. Proper mental recovery, support and education is necessary for a healthy mind and healthy life after surviving your stalker.
I was 15 when i met Mason. He was cute and seemed nice.
I had only known him 2 days, but we started dating. Shortly in,
i told him we shouldnt date anymore. I wasnt as committed as i should
have been. He was angry, and grabbed my wrist. It left a bruise, but our relationship
was done. A few days later, i tried to apologize. I had hurt him by leaving him.
He told me i was worthless and pushed me into a railing with full force. It left
a mark on my back and hurt for days. We got back together a few days later.
And again, i ended it. He pushed me on the ground and tried to choke me. He
left and we didnt talk again for awhile. I met with him on my 16th birthday.
He asked if id get back with him. I said no. He pushed me again. I havent had
contact with. him since Hes now dating my cousin. He hasnt seemed to hurt her.
This is going to be hard. I divorced my abuser 15 years ago, and I still can’t put any of the experience of 22 years of a horrible marriage on paper.It’s only recently that I made a
promise to my therapist and my best friend that I would finally try to tell my story. I used to be a prolific writer and poet, even published,
but life with him dried out every ounce of creativity I had. At the time, I didn’t realize what living with him was doing to me. But one day I woke up- and started
my journey to reclaim myself, and try to heal what he destroyed.My biggest problem is the combat level PTSD I now have to deal with every day. And the huge amount
of rage I still feel at him, our friends,and the legal system. Some wounds never heal- and perhaps that’s a good thing.If I can channel that rage into a blog,into something public and helpful,
I will consider myself to be finally confronting what was done to me.This might not be the correct place to do it- but it’s a start. If I can share my hard-earned knowledge with you,
and it stops another train wreck, maybe we can raise a generation of young women who won’t have to go through this kind of soul-violence.
I’m still living it… the second time. To make matters worse, I’m a family law attorney in a self-represented court program for domestic violence victims.
I had to lie to everyone at work and tell them that the bruise on my chin was from a softball.It wasn’t far fetched considering that I’m always bruised from the sport.
But the bruise is nothing compared to the emotional abusive relationships I keep finding myself living. In fact, as I look back, I think every single relationship has been abusive on some level.
I’m newly divorced from a controlling, self-centered, passive aggressive man. He happens to be the father to my three beautiful girls. Now I find myself in a much worse situation.
My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years is verbally abusive;ie. calls me cunt, whore, b####, etc. I’ve never been spoken to so bad! He will ignore my calls for hours and then say I’m “crazy and driving him
nuts with my clingyness”. He will NEVER make plans with me and has never taken me on a date. He will go days without touching me, except to kiss my forehead at nite.
No “I love you”. Here I write and yet I will continue seeing him. For the time being.Something has changed inside me today. I’m alone and so happy! I am content all alone in my house.
I hope everyone gives me the positive thoughts I so desperately need to practice what I preach:Domestic Violence is the abuser’s fault, not mine! I really need the strength to stop blaming myself.
Thank you everyone for sharing your own lives. It’s helped me more then you can imagine.
In the begenning I met this sweet guy online who swept me off my feet. When I met him in person, he was sweet and even kinder and I felt like I was complete. Two weeks into our relationship, he became controlling and manipulative telling me where I could and could not go for my birthday, and who I could and could not hang out with. My friends kept trying to tell me that there was a sign of abuse with him, but I was clueless and I could not see it myself. The fourth week into our relationship I trusted him enough to take me home to his apartment, and he did not even care that I was on my period and he took my virginity, when I kept telling him no, and I kept telling him I was not even ready, he then did not care and proceeded. There was the second sign of abuse, he did not even care if I told him no. Continuing on the relationship, he brought me home for Thanksgiving and I met his family, he and his mom was arguing alot like a married couple, which was bizzare and made me feel very uncomfortable because I used to date guys that always got along with their mothers. I found out Thanksgiving Eve that he cheated on me with his ex Katie trying to become more then “friends” with her. I got drunk that night and he finally payed some attention to the way I was feeling because he was emberassed that I found out what he was trying to do, and he dismissed it as “trying to get revenge on her because she cheated on him then dumped him” After I found out he was trying to cheat on me, he became obsessive of who I hung out with and when I hung out with them, and always trying to text me and call me and see where I was and with who. After the semester at college, he enrolled himself at the University to try and be with me the first time. When the semester was in progress, he tried to trap me in his dorm room only letting me leave when he saw fit, threatened to kill himself when I tried to go hang out with my friends, or go do my homework, and so he was kicked out of the dorm that I was in and placed in another, and he was banned from coming back in order to make sure that I was still safe. After He became more possessive, I decided to place a restraining order on him to make sure that I was safe, which was soon quashed because at the hearing I believe that he changed enough to get taken off. Soon after the restraining order was quashed he proposed to me and convinced me to get married to him, which I believed he was back to normal, I was soon mistaken as the abuse got personal, and he started actually abusing me, and also threatning to kill himself. The past week I had to have my best friend, who likes me more then a friend called the police on him because he would not stop trying to hurt himself and would not stop trying to hurt me. He was taken to the hospital and got evaluated, which I am not sure how he got out in two hours, but they let him go very fast, and his mom took him home for the week to keep an eye on him. I am not sure how to even get out of the abusive relationship because he keeps apologizing for his actions and tries to “make up” for his crimes.
It is a huge step to leave…I had been married for 27 years….in the early years there was some physical abuse that should have been red flags to run….but everything always seemed to be better the next day…so i stayed ….he always drank but i was so busy with the 4 kids that I never had time to acknowledge just how bad it was getting…he hit me one night and I called 911 and he was removed from the home for 4 months….then I accepted him back under court conditions that he received anger management and stop drinking…that lasted for a year then he was back into drinking again slowly and sneakily….things just continued to get worse… it took 7years of enduring his painful mental and emotional abuse which sometimes got physical….i could never do anything good enough even putting dishes in the dishwasher…or cooking he began to takeover the cooking and buying groceries and made it a game that he was one up on me all the time and I could do nothing correctly……he ridiculed or accused me of things I did not do … as soon as I walked in the door after work day after day…..he stalked me and checked the mileage on the vehicle and then interogate me if there was more mileage or gas used than he thought should be.he would even check the grocery receipts to see the time that i left the store….I loved it when he wasn’t home even if he was at the lady neighbor friends drinking…..i could really care less….I started planning my escape little by little and eventually I left one day with only a note behind… there was no reason for me to stay and accept his abuse…the kids were grown and i had my own job.I begain thinking anything is better than this…. I never wanted to see him ever again He wants to be “friends” and he can’t understand why I would not want to…….we are in the divorce process right now settling property….it will be a rollercoaster ride I am sure…but looking back I should have left years before but was always scared of him…but then hate and disgust takes over. I have not seen him since November and I am so happy right now being by myself without having to put up with his abusive behaviour….he has been replaced with a cat ….life is so much better now…. the freedom I have now in thinking my own thoughts and doing what I want when I want is worth the price. I am not sure how I will learn to rust again but I know I will never be in that kind of situation ever again….One raise of a voice and it will send me running in the other direction. I wonder why it is abusers can’t see that they are abusive? Someday I will forgive every rotten thing he has done or said to me…..but the anger is too much right now …..all I know is that I want to be away from him forever.