Denial

August 04, 2007

I go through a range of emotions each day and I don’t know how I will feel from one day to the next. I went to the Trauma Centre and I am starting EMDR. I went to see my abuse councilor on Thursday and she said that I focus my attention on “her’ because it is easier and safe. She also said that I was suffering from trauma and I am still in denial. How does your brain process all this? To find out that your marriage was a big sham. I don’t know. Sometimes throughout the day I realize how bad my relationship truly was. I went to the beach yesterday after my run and tried to think of the last anniversary with him, and I couldn’t. Before I was married it was all about getting a job, money or my friends. It was all about flirtation. He does not know who I am. It was all about giving me advice and telling me what to do. Then when we were first married and after the honeymoon, I don’t remember any anniversaries. Love and intimacy is getting to know someone and talking to them. It is not sex, money, control, power, deceitfulness and lies. When you first meet someone and they ask you to meet a financial planner ( who is their friend) during the first three months, there is something wrong! First of all, why is he so interested in your finances?All he cared about was my finances. How much I owed on my credit card. Setting me up with his “financial planners” and bank friends. My finances were fine before I met him. I put myself through University with little debt. He had me so screwed up, I am in a financial mess. I wish I did not have a heart and care so much, and be hurt by this. I wish I could be like him and move on so easily. I am left betrayed. funny, I bought an ice-cream yesterday, and for the first time in a long time it was no big deal. I sat by myself, he was never there anyway.

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