But He Loved Me! – My Warning Signs



Ladies, please if I have learned anything from this experience, is to follow your gut instinct. It is there for a reason. Also, if you see a red flag, do not dismiss it, the outcome may be unbearable. It has been several months since my separation and at the same time a reality check. It is so much easier to live in a fantasy world, and not face the truth, when you find out the truth about all of the lies and deception the pain cuts you like a knife and it does not heal overnight. In fact, I think it will take several years. They go on with their lives because they do not care, and you are left to pick up the pieces. I can see more clearly, each day how bad my relationship really was, and the person he really was. I thought, or I wanted him to be my knight in shining armor so much, that I actually believed he was. I think that hurts the most. I think it is the breakdown of a dream, and the hard reality that this person is not who I thought he was that I am finding out more each day. Today, I found out that the matrimonial house in Mount Cope was updated, because it has been put up for sale. It is funny though, the way that I remember the house was that it had a dirt driveway, with pot holes and flyers scattered the driveway that had not been picked up for days. I remember that I had asked for stone and he said that I was being silly. I also, remember wanting a garden in the front, but he said that it was to expensive, now there is a garden. I also remember half a fence, and he was too cheap to complete it. The only reason that there was a fence is that the neighbor put it up. Now there is a fence, with a garden. The house had new light fixtures and a fireplace in the bedroom. That did not exist before. I also recognized some of my belongings. It looked like the home that I was striving to achieve and wanted. The worst part is that his girlfriends name is below my home, and that potential buyers are to contact her. I saw my dream home that I strived for on the internet with someone else’s name below it. I hope they rot in hell. I think it is time that I tell my story, and hope that someone who is reading this can identify the signs and leaves before it becomes to late

I remember when:


When I first met him, he would call me 5 times a day and was very needy and required all of my attention

– I worked at a drug store and he moved across the street from my work

– He talked about finances a lot

– He took an interest in all of my activities. I used to work out at the YMCA, he then joined with me. This did not last. He is truly very lazy and would complain of bad knees. Although this was not an issue at the beginning. He even took a step class with me…

– I went to University, and he started to take a course with me. He had no business being there. In the past, he attended University for 2 years and then dropped out . He seemed to try hard to get acquainted with all of my professors. It took me several years to earn their respect

– He started working  around the corner, and would always be at my house

– If I went out, he would constantly call me and leave messages until I got home

-If we had a fight and he thought possibly I would break up with him he would start crying uncontrollably saying how much he loved me and how sorry he was. He would then be so afraid to leave me and go to work, so he would call in sick . My parents thought this was strange behaviour for a 30 year old man.

– He made me believe that this was “true love”

– I remember, one day I was running down the parkway and broke my foot. This was about after 4 months after dating. I was in a lot of pain and he took me to his parents and placed me on the chair outside, where he left me there because he was thinking about whether he should have a shower. I was in agony and wanted demurral. He made fun of me for the next 6 years because I broke my ankle. He thought it was funny and it was my inadequacies that caused this to happen . He perceived it as an inconvenience

– He told me nothing about his past

-He talked in analogies and tried to guide me through life

– He bit his fingers a lot and would be distracted a lot. I had difficulty having a conversation with him

– He was very interested that I owed money on my credit card, and wanted me to talk to his financial planners. I never really did until after I was married.

– If I disagreed with him, he would go on and on like a broken record, until he got his way

-He said that he was always right

– He always wanted sex

-He took me camping and ignored me and made fun of me for the shoes that I was wearing

– He was also very competitive and would throw a tantrum when he lost a game. I thought this behavior was abnormal

– When I wanted to go out with my friends, he would say “why don’t you spend time with me?” Then he started to put my friends down

– He was always there. He would often just show up and surprise me. I actually thought he was a nice person. He would show up at my Hospice placement and pretend to be kind to my patient. I now know these were check up calls

-He then started to patronize me, and put his hands on my shoulders when he spoke to me and pat me on the head

-He would start to say the opposite that I was saying and began to disagree with me to prove a point

-He then would “take a poll” with his friends and colleagues to discredit any of my thoughts or point of view.

-He always brought me flowers and constantly reminded me how romantic he was. He left me flowers the day after we separated. I later found out that he went to his girlfriends that night. He always sent me cards. Don’t be fooled. He wrote me a poem during separation, about how much he loves me, he was seeing her

– I was trying to better myself and decided to obtain my Masters. He did not support me at all, but in fact gave me a hard time. When my thesis was delayed I was scared to go home to tell him.

– He tried to get me a job as a data entry person. I was over qualified, but he still persisted. He had his friend try to talk me into taking a garbage collection job, just after I completed my Masters’ and was looking for work . He always asked me if I was too good for that?


-I got married to him and on our honeymoon it started to get worse-

– I remember that I wanted some money, because he had the money from the wedding. He would not give me any. In fact I did not see any of the money from the stag and doe or wedding

– I remember that for dinner I had to arrange to sit at a table away from everyone, or he would not speak to me. He said that I embarrassed him because I talked about personal issues, and that I should talk about current events

– He started to talk about money on our honeymoon and savings

– On the way home from the honeymoon we had to stop, at a bank and I  had to change everything over to his bank


– Shortly after, when I started working, he convinced me to take out a $10,000 loan and give him the money. He said it was for the wedding. That I owed it to him. It is funny but my parents paid for the whole reception and his parents paid for the rest. I don’t know how he convinced me. Shortly after we separated , my mother confronted him about this. He didn’t deny it. His response to her was ” I had expenses too!”

– When I moved in, I wanted the dream marriage. I wanted a nice home. I remember, I was still in school and we needed curtains, mirrors, table, and slipcovers for a wrecked couch. We went to Ikea and he spent $500.00 on all of the furniture, and constantly reminded me I owed him half.

– He would also remind me regularly that he knew someone that broke up because they were in school, and then were back together once he finished school.

– He reminded me, everyday (when I was in school) that I was not contributing any money

-During my thesis defense he stood up in front of my committee telling everyone how supportive he is of me, how he was so supportive during this process. He would take every opportunity to let the world know what a great husband he was.

– Oh, by the way my mother made our home made kitchen table look acceptable . After separation I found out he was bringing home $2,000 every two weeks, but always reminded me how poor we were

-He always golfed and participated in sports and tournaments. He would tell me that it didn’t cost him anything. I believed him. He would always say that he couldn’t get a membership or do certain things because he didn’t have the money, because of me.

– I started to do the grocery shopping. When I got home he inspected the receipt and gave me advice on how to shop. I guess I did not know how to shop. He insisted I show him all the receipts..

– I wanted to buy a can opener one day, because I needed to open a can of soup for dinner. He told me that I should not buy one that I should borrow it from his mother. He said that I liked to spend, spend. The can opener was $1.00 at the dollar store.

– I decided to buy a mirror for the house. I asked him to hang it up several times and he never did. It was there for months. I finally asked the neighbor next door

– He did nothing around the house. In fact he would not shovel the driveway, but in fact resorted to driving up and down the driveway to flatten the snow. My mom came over and helped me to shovel several times so I could get my car in the driveway.

– I came home one day and the toilet upstairs was overflowing. The carpets were wet and water was pouring out from the ceiling, water was literally filling my light fixtures downstairs. I called him to come home; he said that “ I always pressed the panic button”. I phoned my mom, to come over to help. He arrived as we were frantically trying to clean up the water. He did not care, he sat on the couch and started phoning his friends, to see what everyone was doing . My mother was so mad and disgusted by his lack of interest, she left before she said something to him. He said that I was overreacting. I guess, a flood in our home was not a priority to him.

-From the very beginning of our marriage he showed no interest in our home or me (only for sex). All he cared about was sports or his friends. I was so desperate to save our marriage, I went to his mother for help. She talked to him and tried to make him understand that he needed to change his priorities. That he was married now.

– I came home one day and there were signs posted under the light switches, “turn off the lights” “signed the management”. He was trying to teach me a lesson on how to turn off the lights

– I remember that he would always say the opposite and talk in analogies. Often times I would have enough and would go up stairs. He would follow me and corner me so that I could not move, put his hand on my shoulders and tell me that I misunderstood and that we should have makeup sex

-I would lie in bed crying after it

– I used to say to myself that I should tape record the way he spoke to me. I remember one day I asked him for something and he said that I did not ask him the way which he thought I should and he made me repeat after him

-He created a game and started a business shortly after we were married. I did not know much about this business. When I asked he would not tell me much.

– He would go on business trips a lot

– He had a partner at work; I strongly believed that he crossed the boundaries. We would go to places and she would be there, they even started talking on the phone. She later requested another partner, she no longer wanted to work with him. Something happened. I am sure of it.

– I would have nightmares that he was cheating on me and wake up in a cold sweat, probably because he was.

– He would not want me to get physicals from my doctor, especially PAP tests. He said there was no reason why I should be getting these tests especially from a male doctor.

– I did nothing right

– When we would go out, and he was in the car waiting for me, as soon I would reach for the door handle he would start to move the car away from me. He would then stop the car, and when I would reach for the car door handle again he would start moving the car again. Every time I would try to get in the car he would move it . This went on several times until he decided to let me in. He would do this were people could see and for some reason he thought this was funny

– During the Northeast Blackout in August 2003, he would not let me buy candles. Instead he made me sit in our car in the driveway for several hours waiting for the power to go back on. When he realized that it wasn’t, we had to drive to my parent’s house to get candles. He would not let me buy them.

– I spoke on the phone to my friends he would say that it was inappropriate because he was home. I should be spending time with him

– He would always show up where I was and and insist I be home when he was home, which was seldom

– We moved to Mount Cope. The house was in the middle of nowhere. We actually picked out everything and I changed it slightly. He was not impressed and gave me a hard time

– He was never home. He only came home for sex. He would drive around with a suitcase in his car. I lost contact with most of my friends. He isolated me so much.

– My girlfriend from school called to go dancing and he thought that was inappropriate. She was happily married and had a baby.

– I wanted out, I was unhappy

-Oh by the way, he asked for another$ 10,000. I still don’t know what it was for, he said I owed it to him, he was obsessed about money. According to him I always owed him money

– He woke me up one day and told me that he was the mother hen and I was the baby chick and he had to guide me because I like to spend and I needed guidance.

-Often, when I disagreed with him, he would make me ” talk to the jury” and he was the judge, so I would have to raise my hand to speak and he would say” okay, the women in the black shirt you can speak now” He degraded me constantly

-He said that I should not buy coffee@ the drive through and not spend money on anything. It is funny; I had no boots and after trying to fix my old ones, I had to justify my purchase. Did I mention I was making over $30.00 an hour

I told him that I did not want to go camping, He nagged me until I agreed to go. I went, hated it and fell down. He made fun of me

-As part of my job I would be required to attend conferences . He would show up unexpectedly wearing a suit. He then insisted on driving me and staying until the conferences were finished

-I had to go to out of town for training once. He told me that I had to come back to my room every night. That it was inappropriate to go out anywhere without him. He would constantly call to check up on me. I even had to have my meals in my room.

-He would constantly tell me what a great husband he was and how romantic he was. But when I didn’t want sex, he would nag me until I gave in. NO meant nothing to him.

-He had our therapist and myself believe I was frigid. She was making an appointment for me at a sexual councilor. Did I tell you he always made me do things I did not want to do.

– We joined a soccer team, and he said that I did not need soccer shoes. He bought a pair for himself and got a deal for my brother and his friends. I was the only player with running shoes .

-My brother found out he had overcharged him to join the soccer league.

– I love the theater and went for an audition. I was happy when I got home and told him that I think I got the part. He said that I never stick to the plan and was upset with me that I had auditioned; because that was the night we play soccer. He ignored me during soccer, so I did not like playing. So I apologized for my behavior.

– He started sleeping over “ his friends house” after soccer. He knew I would not come because I had to work the next day. I now believe that he was either seeing her, or setting her up to be his next victim

-I stopped answering the phone when I was in bed sleeping. All of a sudden I had 5 phones in my house, with one on either side of the bed to make sure I would answer the phone when he called.

– I noticed that I had no money, so I started to do some calculations (bills). I figured out that he was overcharging me 300.00 in the joint account every month. A week before he said that he needed more money

– Shortly before he left, he set me up with his financial planner planner friend who tried to talk me into taking out a $54,000 leverage account. Why did I need this leverage account? What was his plan for me?

– I was so sick one morning, and in so much pain that I needed to go to the hospital , he would not take me and he told me to follow the blue hospital signs. I was not familiar with the area we lived in

– He told me about the time he put ipecac in his yogurt because he had to teach a colleague a lesson because he was eating his food from the fridge . In the last year, I was sick all the time as well as my cats. There were always vials in my house

– He wanted to take nude pictures of me and put them on the internet. He kept telling me “We can make lots of money” I kept saying no .S hortly before we separated he would sneak into the bathroom while I was taking a bath and took pictures. I was concerned and put a clause about these pictures in our separation agreement.

– He always wanted to make a porn movie and would try to talk me into it.

– He would make me watch porn movies so I would know how to do it. He told me I didn’t know how to do it.

-He would constantly tell me my “job” was to greet him at the door, pull down his pants and give him oral sex upon his arrival home

-He set me up to purchase mutual funds through his friend a financial advisor. Two days before we separated he cashed them in and took the cheque. Behind my back, without my knowledge it was put into a spousal account. He stole my mutual funds. When my mother confronted him as to why his name was on these funds. He said , ” that she wanted it that way, I wasn’t even there when she signed the papers” When we confronted his financial advisor friend, his story was that “they both were there to sign the papers.” They were both caught in a lie to cover up.


-He told me that he had a lot on his mind and that the grass was greener on the other side

– I asked him to leave and he left very easily and said, “Remember you asked me to leave”

He said that I don’t know how much he loved me. When he was leaving, I tried to stop him

-He went to see my mother and told her it was my idea

– We agreed to have a trial separation for two weeks, and he said that he was staying at his friends

– I took down the wedding photos

– The next day the wedding photos were up and he left me a card telling me that he is not willing to give up on this marriage, and he left me flowers. He also left me a voice message. It was funny, but he was reading from what was on the card. I now know that he saw his girlfriends that night.

– He took all of my bills and anything financial, without telling me and when I called him at work he said, “You are going to hate me”

He phoned me from work and was interested in filing my income tax. I then drove to his moms, and I put a dent in his plan. I told her what he had said “the grass was greener”. She called him. When he walked in the door, he told me that we should meet on Saturday as per the plan and that I am not sticking to the plan. He said that he is so frustrated with me and that this separation is all my fault He admitted that he treated me like shit. I know he came from his girlfriends

– I did not go on Saturday. He tried to set me up, instead I saw a lawyer























42 Responses to “But He Loved Me! – My Warning Signs”

  1. Been In Denial Says:

    Look at it this way: my husband just dumped me after twenty-five years of marriage and two (23 and 19-year-old) children. I devoted myself to helping him get his business started and raising the children. Well, he’s in love with his personal trainer, he drove the business into the toilet, and he’s used up all my inheritance money to keep his business afloat. I could go on and on but my message to you is be happy you got out early.

  2. yhen Says:

    hmmm… really an eye-opener for me…

  3. grace Says:

    Wow. It sounds so familiar to me. I am in the ” no longer needed so they discard you” stage right now…I can see so much of my life with him mirrored in your story. Except I did not marry him, so getting out has been as easy as walking away. But emotionally it has been very painful. thank you for sharing your story. I find courage and in truth in it.

  4. aussietargetted Says:

    So glad you are not in this relationship any more, guess you know how lucky you are.

  5. christy Says:

    i wish i had read these warning signs before i met my boyfriend. i know exactly what you went through.
    i didnt truly love him, but for some reason i let him stick around and walk all over me. he would literally sob for hours, check my phone, and once when i didnt pick up he called sixty two times. he constantly told me he loved me, never wanted me to be around other guys, and bashed my mother and friends. i just thot that was the way he was, even when he would throw and break things and have tantrums in public.
    he made me feel like i was the most important thing in his life. i think thats why so many women put up with guys like this. it has to do with self esteem and the need for love. i am slowly trying to heal, but i am still angry and share the feeling of wishing he’d rot in hell. but most of all i am angry with myself for allowing him to do those things to me. now i realize he was literally a psycho, and even more frighteningly there are many psychos like this out in the world.
    this experience has made me a cynic of men, but i believe it is for the better.

  6. julie Says:

    for the first time in 11 mos, I no longer feel so alone & stupid & ashamed. I’m going thru the “just had everything confirmed that I had feared”stage. Many many incidents of cheating on me., stealing my money & puttng me down. He stole my car 2 wks ago & I’ve been getting rooms @ hotels for him so he wldnt be on the streets. he busted up front door to my home & would call/text my Mom & son when I wouldn’t talk to him. He lived w me for 2 yrs until I broke up with him in ’06. I went back to him after a 10 month break-up like an idiot & that has been the biggest mistake of my life. My son is 19 & hates the guy (for good reason obviously) & the police are very familiar with who this guy is because of things he’s done over the past 4 yrs. Hels never hit me but he did push me down into a chair at a hotel once recently. I never let him move back in & he hated that.Ive been gettng rooms for him out of fear so he wouldn’t come to my house & start trouble & to protect my son and avoid any incidents between he & my son. I’m leaving many details out but as I said at the beginning I now know he’s been cheating on me every time I didn’t stay at the hotel with him – AND he has my car which is only 2 yrs old. He’s in a lot of trouble & I can get another car. He can’t get another life free from bars. Amazing how I didn’t even realize it was abuse over the yrs. I excused everything. He blamed me for His actions & would say I made him do it or I didn’t “let” him do what he said he’d do! I didn’t know he was a convicted felon until several mos into the relationship. I know better. I can’t believe I’ve been living what I always never understood about some women. emotional/physical abuse doesn’t discriminate. I almost wish it had been physical because I would have ended it immediately. I have a good family & am fortunate to know & have the resources available to me that can help. I hope my post helps -even if its just one person. Thank you for your story & this website. It has helped me more than you will ever know.

    • lost Says:

      I am with a truck driver. I work and keep his 12 yr. Old son when he’s gone. My check is direct deposited to pay his bills. I pay them, I keep the house clean, I cook. But he won’t marry me, he says one day, but I don’t see it happening. I have no security with him. But, other then that we get along great. Any suggestions.

  7. mountcope Says:

    Thank you for your lovely comments, I am so glad you visited our site. Yes, please feel free to give our sites’ URL to others. We need to help each other understand and give us strength
    to realize that it is not our fault.
    Take Care

    Mount Cope

  8. mountcope Says:

    The above reply to Judith was in response to a comment she sent. Because of her request for confidentiality I have only posted part of it. It is as follows…

    “This helped me understand. Please note that my email address is a family used address; therefore, not confidential. This is an amazing site, and I ask your permission to give it to others whom I work with.” Judith

  9. Jenae age 16 Says:

    Hi! Well I am not married nor have a boyfriend like this. In fact I don’t want to get into a relationship because of Gary.

    See when I read this it was very similar with the relationship with my mom and with my “step dad” Gary. They weren’t even dating when she got pregnate with my younger brother, but after six years they got married and two years later they got a divorced but we are still living with him. “Oh you should be happy that he has taken you in.”, “You should be happy he hasn’t molested you.”, “You should be happy that he says that you are his daughter.” that and a few more is what people will say to me, but they don’t see the real him. They don’t have to deal with him when he gets drunk everyday. It is a fucking mircal if he gets drunk and not become an asshole, which is very rare.

    He is such a lazy bastard! I mean my grandfather (my mom’s dad) bought us a $300 or $400 pool for this blistering summer and guess what? He never got it up, nor did the fence ever got up for our dogs, nor did he ever do anything for our birthdays and when my mom bought us some games for our birthdays (two months later I might add) he flipped! But if his son breaks his playstation he makes it his mission that my little brother gets a new one and will bitch about it untill he gets one. Anyway you want to know the reasons why he didn’t put anything up? It was because I wouldn’t help him put it up. God, that was the lamest exscuise I EVER heard because if anything needs done it is my name on their lips to help. My brother (who is twelve now) is very capable of doing things, but since “I am older and he doesn’t know anything” I get to do it. Even when I sprained my ankel I still had to go get my mom a drink, but Alex coulden’t get it because he was on the computer.

    He treats my mom like crap! He doesn’t trust her at all. His distrust is so up there she has to have a saperone just to go down to this little downs store. He has also screwed her out of money. When my mom got her settlement from breaking her leg, she gave him $5000 for the down payment and she said in a stern voice “Put my name on the house.”. Him and his “friend” made up the legal agreement and her name was no where near it! Also his “friend” tried to screw us over out of the house that we live in and he hitted on me when I was around 14 years old and he was atleast in his fourties and had a daughter my age!

    I can name off all the things he has done, but I think I made my point clear. Sorry for the strong langage and misspellings, but I hate it how we are still here. I even cry at night thinking that I will turn out just like my mom, in an abusive relationship. She knows she is in one but since we don’t have the money we can’t leave and stay gone! I am so shy or even afraid of guys. When a guy is around me I just get so enclosed in myself and kids in my school are saying that I am a lesbo because I don’t have a boyfriend. I tried to talk to my friends, but noone wants to listen to my problems. Thanks for listening and thanks for this. I am so sorry again for the misspellings and the language.

  10. Karen Says:

    Well, never been married, but if I read this, wow! I think I’ll never marry at all! I was 4 years together with my boyfriend, until one day, he got up to go to his work, gave me a kiss like every morning and never came home again. In the late afternoon I received a sms that ‘It wasn’t going to work between us and that we better seperated before really living together’. That really was a heartbroken moment for me. 2 months later he met someone here in my hometown. I received a couple of telephone calls: she threatened me… One day I went out with a couple of my friends and his new girlfriend spoke to one of my friends – she wanted my friend (I know Kimberly for over 9 years now) to see what a bad person I am….
    In June I found out that he was having sex with one of his ex-girlfriends in December (we were still together then!). She even got pregnant and wasn’t sure whether it was his or her boyfriends. She got a miscarriage.
    Later on they separated and in August I received a sms from him: He missed me and wanted me in his life. I agreed, I still missed him… So I went to his home, we talked a lot and he said that Kelly (the girlfriend who threatened me) and he seperated because he could not live with her. He was missing me and he wanted me back. It worked out for 5 whole days. One day I received a text message that he wasn’t sure about ‘everything’ and he needed to sort out his thoughts.
    Yesterday I found out that he met someone new. A girl he learned to know over Internet – he saw her 3 times by now and she lives the other side of Belgium…
    Well, I hope he will be happy. I doubt it. For Glenn, it’s never enough 🙂

  11. Rich Says:

    I really find it interesting that one can steroetype all men as thieves and scoundrels. I am (if you hadn’t guessed from my name) a guy, and can relate totally to everything you said. My father sounds a lot like your old husband, and I find it a Godsend that I’m away from the house now and am at university.

    One thing that didn’t happen (atleast it wasn’t mentioned) is him ever beating you. My mum was beaten unconscious almost every night due to him drinking too much alcohol, and both me and my brother were too young to do anything. He was also having an affair with someone who none of the household had ever even met. He controlled all financial out and incomings, and would also say that my mum owed him money.

    He remortgaged the house 3 times so we could “go on holidays,” every time of which he made us all feel like shit and ran us down. Following this, he complained he had no money (due to him being so lazy he didn’t work, so demanded it from my mum instead, who wasn’t earning an awful lot as it is) and kept track of any time she borrowed money from him, sometimes demanding it back within the next day or so for reasons unknown.

    Ahh I could rant on and on about so many things. However, my point is PLEASE do not steroetype ALL MEN as being people that aim to go behind your back and take everything. I for one know how much turmoil it creates and I will NEVER be like my father. I’m currently in a relationship with, in my eyes, the prettiest and most caring girl to exist. If she ever left me, I’d never seek another partner again. I know that I’m never leaving her, and she’ll never leave me unless I do something so shockingly horrid.. so if she ever left me, it would be my fault and, as far as I can see, I would never deserve another partner, I don’t want to ruin any more people’s lives.. and I really never will ruin our life together.

    In conclusion, to any that read the original article and start thinking “oh yeah, all guys are total shits, should never be with one,” we’re not all like that, however the vast majority are, and my advice would be to look at your lives once in every while from an outsider’s point of view, then determine whether or not the relationship is working. If it isn’t, BE STRONG and leave them. See the harsh reality and realise they’re just leeches and are using you. Would you ever use people in the same way? No? So why are you letting them abuse you. Close all ties and walk away from them knowing you did the right thing.

    Thanks for reading,

  12. rush Says:

    sounds all too familiar. I live in fear of the next violent attack. The last one left me with stitches on my face . Lies and forced smiles only rescue him.Am so sick of the facade. my only source of comfort is my 15 month old baby. I am so messed up right now. Feel so mad at myself for not having the courage to exit. I want to be happy and I know I need to take charge of my life and regain my confidence and identity. but how? feel so alone and tired of fear.

  13. mountcope Says:

    You are not alone. There are many support systems that can help you. Please call your nearest Woman’s Shelter and ask to speak to one of their councilors . Tell them how you are feeling. They are wonderful people who understand.They can guide you and help you during this difficult time. Believe me, you can reclaim you life!

    Mount Cope

  14. Mihai Says:

    First off,hi…I know I might not be welcome here,since I’m a guy…but,I thought I’d take my chance.
    Anyway,I’m not going to say that eternal “don’t say all men are like that,I’m not”…that would be stupid and uncalled for.
    I will not pity you,either.You sound like a good person,so instead of regrets,focus more on hope.That’s what I think you need right now;)
    I do,though, want to thank you for the lines you’ve written,especially because they will,hopefully,serve me as guidelines to what NOT to be.And I also want to wish you better luck next time…don’t lose faith,happiness might just be around the corner.And to all you…yeah,both guys and girls…think before you enter a relationship…two people enter,one is you,one is your potential partner…analyze them both thoroughly.Good luck:)
    P.S. English is not my native language,so you’ll have to excuse me for my seldom mistakes 😛

  15. Hurry Says:

    Married to a man who complains a lot about everything. He made me stop talking to my family, so domineering, physically , verbally and emotionally abuses me.
    I finally told people about it and he got angrier.Complains I give him BP and I don’t know anything. Says I am bad when i said he is the one that is bad he felt bad. Always using the D word. So tired

  16. RaiulBaztepo Says:

    Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
    PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language 😉
    See you!
    Your, Raiul Baztepo

  17. Mona Says:

    I don’t know how this works, all of it. I married my husband at 18, was a virgin and gave into all his demands, thinking it to be my duty.I never got any love, compassion,kindness or anything genuine let alone acknowledgement, I was kept on an approval or disapproval basis , as the years and negligence on his part continued and our sufferring never left, I knew i had made a terrible mistake, evvery time i tried leaving ,i became pregnant, I have four children. Both my parents are dead , i am isolated in a foriegn land with no one to assist or help me, no hope but only a hidden strenght which is trying to find grounds inside of me to some how will and make it out of here and actually learn to live. Being 18 never got to complete my education but burnt the night lamp doing his, keeping the family together through the impacts of his, circumstancial and financial deciet, irresponsibilities, laziness and grandios ,self absorbed arrogance. I am in transition in every sense of the word. I have moved 11 homes and three countries, lost my parents and have a sister who chose money over me. I don,t know what or how , I just pray. I have been blessed with 4 straight ‘A’ students. But the situation at home is affecting the older two as is apparent by their receding marks. My husband and i are separated for almost 8 months now , going back and forth on life, he has accepted all his wrongs but since is financially stable has told me to adjust. I’ve slaved , sacrificed and made choices that has made these things happen but he says thats not important coz while i was doing all those things i was also eating. What should i do?

  18. Bruno Says:

    Well, I have to say I was with my ex-girlfriend and I have to say it was the reverse, I was the victim and she was the abuser, now I’m not saying she was physically abusive with me, but she would have a very dominant personality. In a way that if I said something wrong or something stupid, we all do that from time to time, she would go in a wild rampage, saying that I’m a horrible person, and she wouldn’t say it directly but indirectly, and she made me feel really bad, and then after taking this grunt I admitted that I lost my temper, and I would start screaming back at her, I really tried to control myself but enough was enough. She even once started punching me, and hitting me, eventually I am ashamed of this but it was more a reflective move, that I hit her back, I was always in previous relationships and this kind of thing never happened, but what I’m saying is that this woman took the bad side of me out, my whole life I was always picked on and humiliated by woman, and that there can be woman out there much worse than men, maybe not in the numbers, but there is. I don’t believe that I was a bad person, I went for help in this with therapist and also friends, and even neutral people in this matter, and they would tell me that I was the victim of an abusive relationship. I’m not perfect, yes I yelled, but what happened was more out of instinct than anything else, and usually if you get angry, it’s your most loyal friend saying something is not right. But what I’m saying not all men are the same, and not all woman, I feel now it’s better being alone than being in a relationship this type.

  19. James Says:

    Thanks so much for sharing your story. We see so many red flags before during and after this relationship and need to look for them ourselves to insure that we too don’t become their next victims.

  20. Esther Says:

    After reading your comments, It is like reading a mirror image of my husband who I am now divorcing after 28 years of marriage. I have always worked really hard, looked after the kids, renovated houses with him. He has mentally abused me stole my money, treated me like dirt, and now since I realised what he has been doing, and I told friends and family. Which he really hated. Really tried to drive me mad by sabotaging all the electrical items in my home, and then telling me things do break down. When all these items were brand new. Three fridge freezers later (in one year) and then my solicitor tells me You cant prove he did it. Was it Santa Claus then or have I Imagined it, Or am I insane as he kept telling me. ? No none of these I am just glad I escaped with my sanity.Anyone out there with only a teeny bit of doubt about that boyfriend bale out now before it’s too late. Incidentally I loved the ground he walked on, he just used me for his own monetary gains tried to grind me down then spat me out.

  21. James Says:

    Thank you for sharing. Funny but most people whenever we start to tell our stories will find much of it “unbelievable”. Often I tell them you really have to know what a NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is and the many pathological traits of one. Maybe this is just one reason we too miss the many “red flags” and keep trying to maintain a relationship with them? Their sense of entitlement is over the top. Their “false self” so convincing too those outside of their inner circle. Their need for NS (Narcissistic Supply) so continues from their primary source (Job/career) and then their secondly source (us/family) shows us how needy and immature that leave many of us bewilder. Only when we start to see though this “false self” and get to know the “real self” and the mask of sanity starts to fail do we know what they really are, such as:
    no empathy
    emotional level of a 5-6 year old
    true manipulators both emotional and psychological.
    Then after seeing the real person do we then realize how we were just sleeping with the enemy and a person who hides from everyone and even themselves.
    Thanks again for sharing!

  22. brittany Says:

    alot of this sounds familiar but iam “stupid” and so iam not convinced. Now this guy got me pregnant(and he knew it was going to happen) threatened if i had the child i would nvr see it.. now iam going to have an abortion and take my own life. Maybe he loves me…..

    • mountcope Says:

      Hi Brittany,

      Call a hotline or woman’s shelter today and talk to someone. Believe me, he does not love you. If you think the only option is taking your own life , you are wrong! Please call someone now! He is not worth it!

      Mount Cope

  23. Wesley Alvarado Says:

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  24. Angela Says:

    I met my partner three and a half years ago, he was still with his ex partner.
    She abused him verbally and physically, she also cheated on him.
    He left her not long after meeting me and quickly moved up to live near me.
    At first I was flattered but then he became very clingy and dependent, I couldn’t cope with this as I liked my “space”, he didn’t seem to understand this.
    He has 2 young children who had behavioral problems (I have since found that they too were being abused by his ex partner).
    I tried my best to involve his children in things when they came to stay at his house (most weekends), however I found this difficult due to their behavior and constant demands.
    One day his Son picked up my little dog and threw her at a wall. I was horrified and shocked that anyone could hurt a poor defenseless animal.
    I gave my partner the benefit of the doubt (i loved him), however I struggled to trust his children both around me and my pets.

    I felt lonely and isolated and I was unable to tell my partner how I was feeling as he would get angry with me and shout, we argued alot.
    I backed off and my partner gave me the ultimatum – spend time with my children or I will “dump you”.
    I dreaded the weekends and used to feel really anxious when it got to Thursday each week as I knew I was in for a barrage of abuse by his ex and children however I tried to spend time with him and the children.
    Once when we went to drop the children off his ex partner chased us in her car, I was terrified as she approached my window, she told me he had asked her for oral sex the previous week and stated that he would cheat on me like he cheated on her.
    His ex partner called me names which “stuck”, over time it began to affect my self esteem and confidence, i spent more time alone and began to spend money on online bingo, it was my escape.
    I shut myself off emotionally and got into debt.
    I knew it was wrong to be abused by his ex but didn’t have the courage to tell him how bad she made me feel.
    I had tried again and again but he just got angry.
    Whenever I saw family and friends I pretended I was ok and laughed off any comments they made about me looking tired etc.
    I knew the reason but I was ashamed to tell anyone how scared I felt inside.
    I carried on working and just getting on with things.
    We eventually moved in together.
    The children came to stay at the weekend.
    I found this really difficult as his Son was always following my dog around, he hit me and kicked me several times also. I didn’t tell my partner about this.
    We got engaged.
    I remember it well – we had an argument and he threw the ring at me.
    I still loved him.
    Eventually the local authority took the children into care due to their Mother abusing them and them taking weapons into school and being generally violent.
    I felt sorry for them but was also relieved as I knew they wouldn’t be abused by her any more.
    Our relationship remained rocky but something held us together, maybe love, who knows.
    My partner decided he wanted nothing more to do with his children and totally shut them out of his life.
    I could not understand this and questioned him about this often, this caused frequent arguments.
    My moods were becoming unbearable, I questioned whether it was PMT or a product of everything I had been through over the previous 2 years.
    The relationship was horrible, he threatened to take his life if i ever left him.
    I felt sorry for him and stuck by him.
    Eventually I had a hysterectomy.
    I remember when I went for investigations prior to this and we had argued.
    I came home after having general anesthetic and he shouted at me.
    I was confused and tired after the operation and just wanted to sleep.
    I had had enough.
    I rang my Mum and told her everything, she let me stay.
    I felt safe with my Mum, she wouldn’t hurt me.
    I came back home.
    Things had changed for me emotionally, i knew he didn’t love me, something told me inside.
    I felt weak and lonely. I had nobody to talk to so kept everything to myself.
    Eventually in February of this year I had a hysterectomy.
    The night before my surgery I felt anxious and sick, I just wanted to be held and reassured, maybe I went about it the wrong way but we ended up arguing again.
    He took me to hospital the following day but I didn’t want him near me, he said he loved me but deep down I knew he didn’t.
    I asked him to leave the hospital, I wanted to go it alone.
    I had my surgery and came round feeling groggy and in so much pain.
    He arrived with my Son and a bunch of flowers
    I knew he had got the flowers because that’s what people do isn’t it.
    They meant nothing to me because as soon as we were alone we would argue again.
    I was discharged from the hospital in his care.
    I was terrified, I was so helpless physically and emotionally.
    I was totally dependent on him and hated it.
    He did everything for me but deep down I again felt he was doing it out of duty.
    All I wanted was his love.
    He went back to work when I was able to do things for myself.
    Every night we would argue when he came home.
    Eventually things came to a head when we were visiting my Fathers grave, I was upset and we argued, again about his ex.
    The words she had said to me and the names she called me still haunted me.
    We got home and I told him to leave. I shouted and screamed at him.
    I had had enough.
    In the back of my mind I used to think if he could walk away from 2 children that needed him then he could do this to me. I believed he would do this.
    I was cleaning in the bedroom as he packed his things.
    I came downstairs and he had gone, he had left his key on the side.
    It hit me – he had gone.
    I felt so sad and regretted everything that I had said.
    I rang him and texted him to say how sorry I was, there was no reply.
    He was gone, I felt as if I had hit the ground running, I was gutted.
    He contacted me online and said he was ok and asked me to leave him alone.
    I couldn’t, I lived him.
    I traveled to his works and stupidly begged him to return home.
    He said no.
    That was it, realization hit me, it felt like someone had died.
    I spoke to friends online and over the phone, some even visited, friends I hadn’t seen for months.
    I though hey there is a life and I am a nice person, as up until this point I felt so small and insignificant.
    I tried to move on but it was hard, I was still off work after my operation and found myself thinking about him all day long, just wishing he would walk through the door at the end of the day.
    I began to have counselling to help me with my confidence and self esteem, the counselor said that what I was experiencing was PTSD due to the abuse from his ex and him.
    The nights were the worst, such long long nights.
    I reached a point one night when I felt unable to cope, I had had enough and questioned my existence on this earth.
    I sent him a text message, just to say that I was thinking of him but I really needed a friend, it was 4.30 am.
    I put the phone at my side not even expecting a reply.
    I got one.
    I was sacred to read it initially.
    We began to text one another and it became apparent he was being bullied at work and this was one of the reasons he had been angry with me prior to leaving.
    After 2 weeks he moved back in, he was depressed so I supported him, he left his job.
    He got another job and things seemed ok for a while.
    We booked a holiday.
    I still felt insecure and constantly questioned him, I was scared he would leave me like he left his children.
    I knew it was wrong to be in a relationship like this as I deserved better, better than being called names and being put down.
    We went for counselling briefly which I felt helped , I felt stronger and better in myself, I felt less responsible for him and attempted to move on.
    I didn’t feel loved, despite him telling me all the time, he bought me flowers and nice things but if I’m honest I didn’t want them, I knew it would all end up in disaster again.
    I spoke to a friend who also could not believe a man would abandon his children.
    We went on holiday 4 weeks ago and had an amazing time.
    I felt relaxed and trusted what he said to me.
    I felt loved again.
    Last week I fell asleep watching tv, I awoke to him muttering something angrily.
    He said that I had said some bad things in my sleep and that I had called him names when I woke.
    It all started again.
    The fear, the anxiety had returned.
    Since then we have argued, it was my birthday 2 days ago and I had got upset because we had no money, I felt guilty for wanting a tke away meal.
    I got scared and asked him to leave as I was scared of him, he went though the door, came back and kicked me.
    I called him names, I was angry.
    He returned later and slept alone.
    Yesterday he hit me when I asked him to leave.
    I felt so scared having him on the house I just wanted to be alone, I packed a few items in bag and the bag broke, he went mad and hit me.
    He left and came back.
    I have tried to explain to him how I feel but he keeps saying that he hit me because I called him names.
    I know it was wrong to call him but surely he must know hes hurt me.
    I feel sad inside and don’t know what to do.
    We were meant to be getting married next year, I told him today I couldn’t, not because I don’t love him but because I’m sacred of what might happen next.
    I don’t feel he loves me.
    He wouldn’t hit me if he did would he?????

    • mountcope Says:

      Angela, he does not love you. He wants to control you and only a coward hits a woman. Please contact the nearest woman’s shelter and ask for the help you need. Start loving yourself Angela! You deserve better.

      Mount Cope

  25. lara Says:

    all men, i repeat. all men are bad. But they can be good only be good to u if u are strict, ster, smart, wicked to them. that s d advice i ve for single ladies. i v observed that d women who are wicked , nasty and rude to their husbands are more cherished.

  26. kemisha Says:

    I finally left my husband a week ago.It hurts so bad but I know this is best. He has used me in so many ways and has left me with tears and children to raise alone. I understand ladies believe me.

  27. Sheila Says:

    having my lover back was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I have been dating my lover for 3yrs now, we have never had a misunderstanding that would lead to us leaving each other till last month when my lover accused me of cheating when am not, his jealousy turned us apart. Everytime i message him or call him he tells me to go and meet my new boyfriend that he has found himself a girlfriend too, I was so depressed that i could not take it any more then i told a friend what i was going through. That was how i was introduced to a lady called priestess Ifaa online who they say it does spells. I told her all that happened and. The spell lady said that i shouldn’t worry that she’s going to restore my happiness At first I didn’t want to believe her when she said my lover is now dating someone else that’s why he is looking for an excuse to leave. She was right on because after she has done the spell to return my lover to me the other girl was trying to intrude into our relationship again that was when my lover beats her up and warned her never to come closer ever again. The lady spells worked to the fullness, you can contact her on this email priestessifaa@yahoo.com You will not be disappointed in ordering a spell from her.

  28. Elizabeth Says:

    Omg there are some very sick men in this world .i am so sorry he did that to u

  29. Bonny Says:

    Reading all of your post made me very anxious. I’m still recovering from narcissistic/ambient abuse, and what you described is eerily like what I suffered through. I truly understand the feelings you must have had. It’s beyond awful to have this done to you. In a way I wish more people could understand, so they could help people like us, but on the other hand, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this.

  30. psyberrose Says:

    I couldn’t finish reading it all. Some reports were very familiar. The signs in my 30+ year relationship were very subtle, but money was the medium through which his passive aggression–toward me and toward his family–was expressed. I think he thought I would have to file for bankruptcy after he said he couldn’t be married anymore. I had started a business and was in debt. My income stream hit a rough patch and despite bringing in the minimum he said I needed to contribute, he was irate about the debt. Still, he wanted “his half” of my business as we negotiated our final settlement.

    During the separation, as the tension in the relationship got worse he even said, “I don’t mean this the way it sounds, but if you want to stay married to me you’ll have to pay.” The irony is that when all was said and done, he owes me; I was paying to be married and support his conviction that “…the money should just be there.” I earned more than he did before starting my business, but even then there wasn’t enough money for my needs. His checking account was connected to the joint account for his overdrafts, and he had several each month. He took out at least one hundred dollars at a time, so there’s no record of how that money was spent. My checking account had to be funded separately because I “couldn’t be trusted with money.” So, a quarter of my debt was for basic expenses. I did borrow rather than argue about how I was somehow profligate–on gas needed for commuting, or food, or clothing–and I did pay off my clothing expenses quickly.

    Mr. Callous didn’t just appear overnight, although I thought he had. His complaints about money were real to him—and to others who were supported by the generosity of others and had never started businesses. But his outrage over the debt was also a smokescreen for his interest in a woman young enough to be our daughter. “Oh what you must think!” he said when I found a pair of women’s panties in his laundry after he returned from a “grief tour” home to his family in the Midwest. “…Have Scotch on hand,” he wrote to them ahead of the trip. “I was hoping some kind of divine intervention would come along and make it all better but despite lots of therapy and discussion and work and prayer, we have not been able to overcome our impediments….The issues are stubborn, and complicated. I don’t want to get into them. I continue to love and respect [me] a great deal, as I believe she does me. But we can’t be married anymore.”

    I can’t believe he made the divorce a “mutual” decision, any more than I can believe how I went along with his insistence that we not say anything about separation to our church, or put out a letter from the two of us when we did make the separation public months later. I can’t believe he put a big “Life Event” featuring my photo on social media when he filed for divorce. I can’t believe how he replied to worried friends that he didn’t want to say why we were divorcing, “out of respect for [me]” as though he were protecting me from some sort of shameful behavior.

    Anyhow, he outfitted my van for camping his way across country and back–“to save money,” he said. But camping also saved him from records of traveling with a companion other than our dog. I don’t believe she made the trip out there with him. My gut insists that she joined him for the drive back, when he was in front of the camera instead of behind it. He’s in a profession in which he would lose his work if he were an adulterer. OK, yes, he’s a minister. I think he was on his “pre-honeymoon,” having filed for divorce just before he left. I wondered who took the pictures of him at the parks and landmarks he visited. “Friendly strangers,” he said. He was also playing fast-and-loose with the “rules” about when extramarital sex might not be adultery.

    He swears he didn’t have sex with her during our marriage. He lied to our child about when he became involved with her. He told our adult child it was a couple months after Christmas last year, not the year before. But the timing better fits the Christmas before, when he was clearly disgruntled and the mostly openly unhappy he’d allowed himself to be. Two months after that Christmas he was insisting in counseling that there was “less than a 3-percent chance he’d want to stay married.” He couldn’t talk in therapy. We spent so much money in three-times-a-week therapy in which the therapist protected him and allowed time to tick, shushing me while the Rev. Callous sighed and shifted in his chair a lot.

    Still, he insisted with the lawyers that the marriage was over on the day he said he wanted to separate, months before he filed for divorce. He insisted on this earlier date though he sat through marriage counseling, struggling how to tell me whatever truth wouldn’t come out of his mouth. I think that day he said he couldn’t be married to me was the day he decided to choose her, unable to keep up a pretense any longer. It makes sense, now, how he complained that I “always” wanted sex and he didn’t. I was often tired when he wanted sex. He sought sex and other forms of companionship when I was at my most fatigued–like after making the 60-mile commute home at the end of a work week. It makes sense now, the looks of anguishing “work” sex was for him when the effort was made to make love, It’s hard to bring it home for the wife when you’ve spent it all on the girlfriend.

    I was most offended by his lack of integrity about ending the marriage. I know I can cope better knowing the truth. Truth-telling is my line of work. His insistence on “protecting” me, somehow, feels only sad now, as though a gothic melancholy infuses the awareness that I was married only to some spectre, some shadow imitating a life. Convincing circumstantial evidence of his other relationship emerged during the fall, a year ago. Even then, he wouldn’t admit the affair, well, relationship, until he had no answer why he was a “treatment failure” and needed improved medication for a sex life he supposedly didn’t have.

    He asked me “didn’t I feel relieved” once he filed for divorce. He was nearly euphoric, and I suppose the narcissism extended to some belief that if he was happy and relieved, I must be, too. What I’ve learned, though, over the past 23 months was the importance of trusting my instincts and intuition, and to take care that it’s okay to draw on my professional expertise in increasing my personal understanding. In the spirit of “Radical Forgiveness” (Colin Tipping, 1997), I am grateful to this wounded man for what the experiences with him have taught me. I was a wounded woman, too. But wiser now, a la Hemingway, perhaps I can become “strong at the broken places.”

  31. Issy Says:

    Married a man that I didn’t really love but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Big mistake, once he had his feet under the table it was open season for every verbal abuse going. They come across as being totally ‘in love’ with you, until you find out it’s themselves they love most of all. Mine dumped me for a co worker, it’s not that he did the dirty it’s all those missed years of not being with someone normal. Let them go because you are well and truly better off without them.

  32. Amber Says:

    It doesn’t just happen to women who date men. I have oblivviously suffered the same game for many years from partners of both sexes, “parents”, and friends. It takes years to get over this abuse and there should be higher penalties in court involving these types of abuse. Just because it isn’t physical doesn’t mean it isn’t painful! Speak up! We doaves anymore. If more people talk to each other we could really make this country a better place for many.

    pass this paidn onto

    • Amber Says:

      Lol: typos
      we don’t have to be slaves anymore and pass this pain onto our children. They are innocent and can’t stand up gore themselves!

  33. Esther Wangare Says:

    sad story really but this men are just too much,ladies we need to watch out!!!

  34. Trynah kathure Says:

    reminds me of my ex n father of my kid.my insticts kept warning me about him but i never listened because i lov ed him.he physically,emotionally abused me even when i was pregnant.i left him a months later,my son was 9 mos.i did this for my son n myself.he never gave up traced n always wanted to destroy me,threatened to kill me.this went on for 2yrs.it was difficult buti never gave up.am free now n at peace.we should learn fro o

  35. Trynah kathure Says:

    To listen to our insticts to save ourselves from traumatic….. experiences even death

  36. S. K. Says:

    I met this well known and wealthy physician and we dated long distance, met up at different locations he always wanted sex and oral sex etc , then he proposed and we got married. I had asked him if he had any health issues or if he was a difficult man to live with and he denied.
    When I moved into his home – I was shocked to see all the clutter from the stuff he has been stealing from his travels – from hotels, airlines and airport lounges etc. He literally has roomfuls, drawerfuls and garagefull of stuff-soaps shampoos silverware dishes trays carafes towels napkins slippers robes cookies crackers coffee and tea bags etc
    Then he hoards all this and is very cheap does not like to spend any money and when he does he cribs about it. He basically wants a comfortable life but only if free. Obsessed with sex and big boobs. Did I mention he is control freak to boot.
    After marriage he started to show his true colors and is very rude and demanding in addition.
    His family knows all this and friends he really does not have any.
    So why would a person do all this yet marry an outgoing smart and happy go lucky person like myself – is a question that torments me
    He said he did not know why his first wife left him and got a divorce. He did not really give off any red flags before marriage, but now I think when he gave no reason for why his wife of 28+ years left him was the biggest red flag of all – and I was stupid enough to fall prey to it

  37. Visalatchmi Rajasvaran Says:

    Am in love wit him completely 3yrs. My boyfriend never hurts me n not 4gt 2 giv me suprises on my birthday, valentineday, anniversaryday. He loves 2 spend his money 2 buy expensiv food n tings 4 me wen he hav movey. He dates wit me everyday even he tired of works but 5-10mins he will and he is a romantic guy. Watever he did n do 4 me, sure he know he’ll cn get double of it from me, wen its comes about money n loves. So my mum me told “he stay n loves wit u 4 ur money which always cn help him wenever he hav financial probs coz he is a lazy guy wen it comes 2 work. Yup! He is nt a hard worker n always change his job n giv reasons he dont like tat job n his boss tortured him. Alots of unnecessary leaves wit reasons of sick n tired n rainy day. So even he spend his money 2 me bt not as much as me coz most of times im the 1 who tc of our expenses n bills. After my mum told like tat i feel so confused. But still I believe he stay wit me bcoz he loves me alot n nt 4 the money wat i support 2 him. Pls advice sumting..

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