You’re No Good!

My new found anthem!… with a few personal changes to the second verse

Feeling better now that we're through
Feeling better 'cause I'm over you
I learned my lesson, it left a scar
Now I see how you really are

You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Baby you're no good

I'm gonna say it again
You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Baby you're no good

I broke a heart You broke my heart that's gentle and true
Well I my  broken a heart is was over someone like you
I'll never beg his  your forgiveness again on bended knee
I wouldn't blame him if he said to me
I won't blame myself that this has happened to me

You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Baby you're no good

I'm gonna say it again
You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Baby you're no good

I'm telling you now baby and I'm going my way
Forget about you baby 'cause I'm leaving to stay

You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Baby you're no good

I'm gonna say it again
You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Baby you're no good

Oh, oh no
You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Baby you're no good

			

			
			

What Is Depression (And What It Is Not)?

What Is Depression (And What It Is Not)?

“People who don’t know, who say it’s self-indulgence, sound callous, but it’s not callousness born of indifference; I think it’s callousness born of ignorance. That kind of ignorance we’ve got to get rid of, and little by little I suppose, we will. You say to them, ‘It’s a pity you don’t know. I’m sure that if you knew, I’m sure that if you knew, not only wouldn’t you say that, you’d try to help in one way or another.‘” – Mike Wallace, On the Edge of Darkness

What Depression Is:

• Depression is an illness, in the same way that diabetes or heart disease are illnesses.
• Depression is an illness that affects the entire body, not just the mind.
• Depression is an illness that one in five people will suffer during their lifetime.

• Depression is the leading cause of alcoholism, drug abuse and other addictions.
• Depression is an illness that can be successfully treated in more than eighty percent of the people who have it.
• Depression is an equal-opportunity illness – it affects all ages, all races, all economic groups and both genders. Women, however, suffer from depression almost twice as much as men do.
• At least half of the people suffering from depression do not get proper treatment.
• Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide.
• Depression is second only to heart disease in causing lost work days in America.
• Unipolar major depression is the leading cause of disability.

What Depression Is Not:

• Depression is not something to be ashamed of.
• Depression is not the same thing as feeling “blue” or “down.”
• Depression is not a character flaw or the sign of a weak personality.
• Depression is not a “mood” someone can “snap out of.” (Would you ask someone to “snap out of” diabetes or high blood pressure?)
• Depression is not fully recognized as an illness by most health care insurance providers. Most will only pay 50% of treatment costs for out-patient care, as well as limiting the number of visits.

from wingsofmadness.com

How Depression May Affect Your Life

How Depression May Affect Your Life:

• Your place is a mess; laundry and dishes are piled up, mail is unopened, etc. (Assuming you usually stay on top of these things).
• You’ve been making excuses to friends why you can’t get together with them, or you’re telling them you’re “just too tired.”
• You’ve really let yourself go – you’re wearing clothes that make you look dumpy, you’ve stopped exercising, you’re not shaving unless it’s absolutely necessary.
• You’re wearing mostly dark colors.

• You’re putting off things that need to be done: your car registration, taking that book back to the library, buying a birthday present for someone.
• You can’t remember the last time you laughed a real laugh.
• You don’t feel like you can handle your job anymore, even though nothing has changed so far as increased workload or responsibility.
• You’re drinking or using drugs to escape the pain.
• You’ve been to the doctor a lot recently, for things like headaches, stomach aches, fatigue, but the doctor can’t find anything wrong. Or you have convinced yourself you have a life-threatening illness – AIDS or cancer or a tumor.
• You wake up in the middle of the night, and can’t go back to sleep. During the day you sleep a lot to escape from your life.
• It takes you a whole weekend to do chores that used to only occupy a morning.
• Since you’ve lost interest in things you used to enjoy doing, you try a lot of different activities in the hopes that you can find something to occupy your time.
• You have no ability to imagine or conceive of your life even a few days ahead – no plans, no hopes. You can’t even be sure you’ll still be here.
• You wear the same clothes a few days in a row – choosing new ones is too much effort.
• You lose things, you lose track of things and can’t always remember what day it is.
• You’ve pretty much stopped eating, or caring what you eat and whether it tastes good.
• On the flip side, you may be eating all the time because you’re bored and hope that food will somehow satisfy the vacant feeling you have.
• You’ve lost interest in sex or even physical affection. Hugging someone doesn’t feel any different from leaning against a wall.
• You’re reading escapist books (fantasy, sci-fi, romance, mystery) with little effort, but anything more demanding mentally (the classics, reading for school) is too much effort.
• You’re avoiding talking to anyone to whom you have an obligation (your boss, friends who you’re ignoring).
• You’re watching TV constantly – lying on the couch or on/in your bed flicking the remote seems to be the most effort you can deal with.
• You hope you don’t run into anyone you know while you’re out. Not only is maintaining a normal conversation difficult, but you are sure they’ll notice something is wrong with you.

from wingsofmadness.com

What Does Depression Feel Like?

It was not really alarming at first, since the change was subtle, but I did notice that my surroundings took on a different tone at certain times: the shadows of nightfall seemed more somber, my mornings were less buoyant, walks in the woods became less zestful, and there was a moment during my working hours in the late afternoon when a kind of panic and anxiety overtook me…” – William Styron, Darkness Visible

Sometimes the Depression Self-Screening Test is just too clinical, and the symptoms don’t really “click” with you. Some of the criteria are general, and if you’re suffering from depression, specifics are easier to understand. I know that I might not have diagnosed myself with depression just on the basis of those symptoms. I had no change in appetite, and no sleep problems (waking up was what was difficult). Below are some un-clinical symptoms.

• Things just seem “off” or “wrong.”
• You don’t feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life.
• You’re crying a lot, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.
• You feel like you’re moving (and thinking) in slow motion.
• Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort.
• Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can’t seem to express yourself.
• You’re having trouble making simple decisions.
• Your friends and family really irritate you.
• You’re not sure if you still love your spouse/significant other.
• Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It’s like your smiling muscles are frozen.
• It seems like there’s a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.
• You’re forgetful, and it’s very difficult to concentrate on anything.
• You’re anxious and worried a lot.
• Everything seems hopeless.
• You feel like you can’t do anything right.
• You have recurring thoughts of death and/or suicidal impulses. Suicide seems like a welcome relief.
• You have a feeling of impending doom – you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what.
• In your perception of the world around you, it’s always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.
• You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating.
• You’re agitated, jumpy and and anxious much of the time.
• Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn’t seem to affect you, you don’t bother smelling flowers anymore.
• Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.

from wingsofmadness.com

Choose To Love Yourself First

An emotional abuse video that I found on Youtube that I needed to post.

On Your Own Again

I am currently reading this book that I thought might be helpful, On Your Own Again: The Down-to-Earth Guide to Getting Through a Divorce or Separation and Getting On with Your Life, that describes the painful process of divorce and regaining control of your life after divorce. It talks about the “timetable to recovery”. During the first stage, usually about three months, survival is your main concern. After 3 months, you will start looking over the edges of a dark emotional pit and begin to become a participant in the outside world, rather than a bystander. At 12 to 24 months the pain of your marriage will begin to fade and you will derive your unique identity from being capable, competent and whole. Knowledge is indeed power. It is nice to know that the way that I am feeling is normal and yes, it is a painful process, but it does make you stronger and there is a purpose in all of this.

Stop the Negativity!

May 14, 2008

Today I went to my self-esteem support group. I am learning a lot about myself. We talked about an “Awareness Wheel”, and I realized why I am stuck. I am stuck in the past because I do not have any closure. I think that I internalized my anger for so long that it fed my clinical depression. I was given some tips from the group to help deal with my anger. They suggested writing a letter to “them” and mailing it to “Santa Clause” or burying it, something that is meaningful to me. Also, to put a picture of him on my wall and yell at him, and tell him how much he hurt me. I think that I will write a letter this weekend.

I also realized that the greatest gift that I can give myself is to love myself, and by doing so I need to stop my internal negative critic. I used to think that since I am not married, I was less of a person. This is my internal critic. Their suggestion is to put an elastic band around my wrist and snap it every time I have a negative thought about myself, and if I do this constantly, I will stop being negative toward myself. I guess, I wonder, “why do we talk to ourselves negatively and why are we so hard on ourselves?” Ask yourself this, “would you treat your mother or best friend the way you treat yourself?” I think that when you have been broken and worn down on a constant basis, your internal critic takes over, but gradually gets weaker once the abuser is gone. It is time that I turn that critic off, and learn to embrace and love myself. Do you?

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission”

Eleanor Roosevelt

The Calm After The Storm

May 13, 2008

Today, I felt a sense of “calm.” I feel a sense of freedom that I have not felt in years. I am so happy that I opened up to those around me and told them exactly how I was feeling. I now have hope. In the past, I tried everything to feel better and was able to abstained from alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. I have tried running, meditation, journaling, reading, counseling, and support groups, but it was like I was missing an important ingredient, “medicine”. I think, that it comes a point that it is merely clinical, and requires treatment. It is like a bacteria infection that requires treatment in order to get better. I want to move on and put the past behind me. I wonder, if I had been treated for clinical depression when I was married, I probably would have left sooner than I did. I have started to see things a bit more clearly, without the “emotional fogginess”. I have not cried in 4 days now, and it feels great. However, I do feel a little dizzy at times from the medication, and a bit nauseous, but that will pass once my body gets adjusted to it. I thought that I would share some of the signs of clinical depression. If you experience any of these symptoms, you should speak to a Health Care Provider.

Common Symptoms
of Clinical Depression
There are different forms of clinical depression with different combinations of the following symptoms:

Physical:

• Sleep disturbances-insomnia, oversleeping, waking much earlier than usual
• Changes in appetite or eating: much more or much less
• Decreased energy, fatigue
• Headaches, stomachaches, digestive problems or other physical symptoms that are not explained by other physical conditions or do not respond to treatment

Behavioral/Attitude:

• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed, such as going out with friends, hobbies, sports, sex, etc.
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• Neglecting responsibilities or personal appearance

Emotional:

• Persistent sad or “empty” mood, lasting two or more weeks
• Crying “for no reason”
• Feeling hopeless, helpless, guilty or worthless
• Feeling irritable, agitated or anxious
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Source: University Health Center

http://www.uhs.berkeley.edu/lookforthesigns/clinicaldepression.shtml#common

Begin To Learn

After a while
You learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand
and chaining a soul
You learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security
You begin to learn
Kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
You begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
You learn to build your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
of falling down in mid flight
In time you learn
even sunshine burns
if you get too much
So plant your own garden
Decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers
then you learn you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth

Author unknown

The Right Path

May 12, 2008

I woke up today, feeling liberated. I no longer carry the weight that I had endured for 7 years. I feel calm and relaxed. I also feel an “emotional numbness”. I can honestly say that it feels great. I am relieved that I finally got a proper diagnosis, I suffered from situational depression way too long. Although I feel a bit slower today in my thinking, it is nice to relax. Wow, a day without feeling pain is amazing. I lost hope only 5 days ago and reached out and got the hope I needed. I was determined to win, and regain back my life. I called a mental health crisis line at the hospital and spoke with a nurse for an hour, then went to a walk-in clinic to get medication, and booked an appointment for psychotherapy. All within 24 hours. Finally I am on the right path. I know what I had endured and understand emotional abuse and the negative effects it has on the soul, mind and body. Now, it is time to deal with the depression, anxiety, and anger. Then it will be time to move on. I am not to sure how long it will take, but I feel better that I now have the support to help me get through it. To better days…

Light Of My New Beginning

May 10, 2008

I think yesterday is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I have been so upset over the last year that I finally decided to talk openly with a physician about my feelings. She had diagnosed me with major depression. I never thought that in my entire lifetime that I would be diagnosed with depression. I was once young, vibrant and happy and depression was not in my vocabulary, it is something that I read about in school, it is something that I thought could ever touch me, but it has. In retrospect, I was depressed after I got married, which then turned into a severe depression after my separation. I have finally decided to take medication, and gain control over my life. I will have to take it for a year. I noticed that I feel a bit better already, it may be the medication, or it may be the fact that I am hopeful. I blame him for this. They leave a path of destruction whoever comes in contact with them, no one is immune. I hope that I can start feeling like myself. I want to start dating again, “healthfully” but can’t until I deal with this and deal with my anxiety. It is tempting to date though, I would probably get a date next week. But I am not strong enough to enter that world. To new beginnings….

Coming To The Surface

May 07, 2008

I have realized more in the past couple of days that dating was merely a distraction for me. It mirrors an addiction, it gives you a very natural high, and you forget about your problems for a while. This is not healthy. I realize more that I am not ready to date and I am beginning to evaluate my mental health. I think that throughout my marriage I was depressed, and never dealt with it. Although I held it together as much as I could during the separation, it is now quiet and I have to deal with my relationship, marriage, and divorce. I buried my feelings for so long that they are coming to surface. When speaking with my mother, she said that we have spent so much time trying to understand emotional abuse that we forgot about the negative impact of divorce. Divorce is like a death and it comes with several losses, loss of identity, familiarity, friends, possessions and everything I once knew. I sometimes think it is worse than a death, because the person is still alive. I understand that there are millions of people who are divorced, in fact 50% of marriages in Canada fail. If the statistic is so high, then why are there not more support systems available. It seems like divorce is still a taboo subject that people are uncomfortable to talk about, because they are afraid that it can happen to them. In fact, some people shy away from people who are divorce, especially if they are in an unhealthy relationship. It has been 1 year from me and I am still healing. I have decided to do some research on divorce and spend time healing. I have also sighed up for a self-esteem workshop and counseling again. I would like to be who I once was, and am continually striving to be happy without a man. I do not need a man to validate who I am. I guess I did not realize the amount of loss that I had endured this past year. My life changed in 5 minutes. I do not doubt that I am in a better place, but it is time to deal with the divorce and free myself from this pain that I am been carrying, not for 1 year but as long as I have been with him.

Always Making Excuses

May 06, 2008

Although I blame my ex, I do also point the finger at myself. I have chosen men that are not good for me, and ended relationships too late. I should have left my ex, when he left me on his mother’s lawn chair after I broke my ankle, while he took a shower. Have I learned from my mistakes? Yes, to some degree but I am not ending relationships, when I see a red flag. Instead, I make excuses for their behavior. I just ended a relationship yesterday, after 3 months. The relationship should have ended after the first date. But why did I not follow my gut instinct, probably because the alternative did not look very attractive, being alone again, and not being able to do things, because activities usually involve couples. Here is my relationship; can you pick out the red flags?

• Met this person on the internet (free site)
• On the second date he told me that he was sexually abused as a child (not his fault, but he told this to me too soon), and his father was diagnosed with schizophrenia
• He was charged with assault for beating up his ex-wife’s boyfriend. He had a subsequent event, when he was charged again, after a man was threatening him outside his ex-girlfriend’s house. He met his ex-wife at a courthouse, when he was charged with assault with a weapon (beer bottle). He said that his ex-girlfriend’s said that she was sexually assaulted, so he hit him over the head with a beer bottle
• He told me that he was play wrestling with a girl he met at a bar. She fell down and hit her head and had to go to emergency. He stayed with her because he felt sorry for her, and did not want to be sued
• He was sued $20,000 as a result of a driving accident. I am not to sure what happened
• He said that all his relationships had failed, that he was negative and had no friends
• He talked a lot about his ex-wife and girlfriend
• He came over to my house and told me about his bad day at work (his colleagues don’t like him), but he always had an excuse, I then started to talk and he said, “I don’t want to listen about your day”
• He did not want to meet my friends or family
• I invited him to a girlfriend’s party and he was upset with me, because I asked him the day of. That he felt like he was second best. I apologized. I compared him to my ex, and said that we would all hang out. He did not like that either
• He never would phone me, instead we communicated through e-mail because he only had 250 minutes a month. I guess I was not worthy of a phone call. I now wonder who he talked to
• He never took me out or bought me anything. When I bought him a 1 month anniversary gift, he was not happy about it, and thought it was juvenile
• I made dinner one night (he never cooked for me once) and complained about the food, that I cooked with to much butter, etc. I felt insulted
• He wanted to go to Hamilton to eat dinner there, and I did not want to go. He kept pressuring me.
• He said that I talked too much and at times did not listen. In fact I was driving one night and talking about my family and said that he was not interested
• He knows that I love my cat, I asked him to shut that door because she has a disability and cannot go outside, he always left it open. In fact one day I saw him on the deck and my cat was outside with him.He said that he felt sorry for the cat because she is always inside, and she is alright with him. That was very disrespectful and crossing my boundaries
• He told me after we had a nice breakfast that I should take my cat for a country ride and leave her
• He told me that they took in a stray dog (which is nice) and went away. When they got back their place was robbed and there was dog crap all over the floor. He hit the dog and took him for a “county ride”
• He was starting to come over frequently at night (around 9:30) and sleep over. How convenient
• He would talk about sex in public places and grabbed my breasts in the movie theatre
• We would have date night on Sunday. He watched NASCAR. At the beginning, he would order pizza and I would go over. Then we started to rotate. I wanted a vegetarian pizza. I told him that it was not fair for me to pay for the pizza, when I eat 2 slices and he eats the entire 2 pizza’s. The next time, he ordered the pizza, before I got there, and did not even ask me what I wanted on it, or for that matter waited for me.
• He bought a bike, and really had no consideration for me. He rode fast and at times felt that I was going to fall off
• I helped him one night with his motorbike, and said that he can help me memorize lines. He said, “no” that he would not be interested in doing that
• He also confessed that he was a very blunt person. After the show, he said that I had bad breath and noticed some facial hair on my face.
• I bought a dish washer and he offered to install it. When he came over I said, “were you looking forward to seeing me” Yeah, to install your dishwasher”
• I was starting to have enough. When we were driving to the show, he started to tell me a story about his friend, throwing a cat out the window, I told him to stop. He told me anyway, and said “sorry baby I have to tell someone, you are not mad at me, how about a kiss”
• During the second week of dating, he bought a motorbike and he brought it over and was complaining that he really had no where to store it, so I offered my garage
• The last day, he was telling me that when he comes over, that I should put my cat in another room because he does not like cats. I argued that fact. He got up and raised his voice and swore at me. I sent him an e-mail breaking up with him
• He come over yesterday and was trying to say that I did not break up with him, and that this relationship ended because we are incompatible (I like cats and he doesn’t). Then the truth should set you free, he said that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend
• So now it makes sense, he used and abused me for sex, my garage, and companionship (someone to do things with) and validated treating me like shit because he never cared. And he knew it to…I was merely an object. He is truly a jerk…

So I look at these red flags, and there is a lot, I wonder why in hell I would allow someone to do this to me and treat me like shit. I guess the only answer that I have, is that I feel like shit. I know that I deserve better, but have a long way to go. I am not ready to date, until I start respecting and liking myself a bit more, and when I have put the past behind me. Dating this guy was a band aid solution. In spite of it all I have some good moments, and I guess wanted to strive for a natural high. On a positive note, I did end it after 3 months; it could have dragged on a lot longer. But in actuality, I should have ended it after the first date. I guess, I felt sorry for him and I try to see the good in everyone. But I am the one who gets hurt in the end. It had its exciting moments and I could relate to him about divorce, if anything. So, I hear people telling me that you have to learn to like yourself? Okay, that sounds great, but how do you do it? I am going to spend the summer trying to figure that out. I would really like to experience one day what it is like to be truly happy and have a wonderful relationship with someone. I will probably forget about this person, in the next couple of weeks or sooner.

MC

A Basic Need

May 04, 2008

I did not realize that this world is such a couple orientated society. Everything from going out to dinner, movies, weekend getaways is marketed toward couples. If you are not a part of this “society”, you are very limited in what you can do, and often feel isolated. It is like you are being punished for a crime that you did not commit. I often hear from a person that being single is like a death sentence. Other people may argue this point, especially those who have never experienced the single life, and say that there is nothing wrong with being single, and that you don’t need a man. This primitive ideology is true, but society and your hormones tell a different story. One of our basic needs is sex and touch. This cannot be fulfilled without sharing yourself with someone else. You don’t feel like a woman, when this is taken from you. But on the other hand you don’t want to give it away to just anyone. There is no easy answer, and this argument is not easily understood unless you have experienced being single again after a long relationship. Because of my experiences, I want my ex to suffer as much as I have. But I know, that this will never be the case. I blame him for everything. I also realize that anger is a very poisonous thing that can only be conquered by forgiveness. I have been told that once you forgive, you will finally be at peace. That is great, but how do you get there?

Still Carrying That Weight

May 01, 2008

It has been quite a while that I have written something. It has been almost a year since my separation and I still struggle with the events of the past. I have tried many things over the year including counseling, school, joining groups, and socializing. I can honestly say that I am still very angry and hurt. I once heard that you cannot move forward and that you will continue to make the same mistakes, until you put your past behind you. That saying is very true and I can relate to it. I have been told that I am a very sad person, I try to conceal it, sometimes I am successful, other times I am not. I also try to distract myself and keep very busy, or I sleep a lot so time can pass more quickly. I still do not have an answer to “personal freedom” and am continuously looking for it. I have also tried reading some self-help books, that provide a different perspective, but that is short lived. I am so tired of feeling this way, and want it to end. I would like to happy again, like I once was. I look at old photographs of myself and I was once vibrant, pretty and had many friends. I was also very outgoing and cared deeply about others and wanted to make a positive contribution in the lives of others. The pictures that I often look at I see myself, but I do not recognize that person. I have been deeply hurt and cannot seem to be free of it. It is like I am carrying an additional 200 pounds of weight. I think that I am angry because I feel that I have lost all my dreams, that my ex took them away from me. Everyone my age, seems to have families of their own, and I don’t including my ex-husband. I wanted a family before I separated and was preparing to have kids. On one hand I am sad that it was taken away from me, on the other hand I am relieved it was not with him. I struggle with the fact that people can be so cruel to others and not feel any remorse for hurting others around them and destroying lives. I am reminded of my situation every day when I wake up in the morning. I was once told by someone, that the sun comes up every morning, so should you that life goes on. They leave a path of destruction. Why should I let a “man” ruin my life? I guess, it is hard not to feel pain, when they once promised you the world, and then abandoned you. I guess I have this problem that this person was my “husband”. I guess, it is because he adopted a family when he walked out the door and I have adopted a new beginning, that required moving away to a rural bedroom community and I am the one that has to start dating again. He did not endure any of those hardships. Also I have adopted a great feeling of loneliness and isolation. This seems to be common among divorce men and women as well, I am not an anomaly. People would not understand, unless they have experienced what it is like to not have anyone to share your bed with, and to hold you.