May 14, 2008
Today I went to my self-esteem support group. I am learning a lot about myself. We talked about an “Awareness Wheel”, and I realized why I am stuck. I am stuck in the past because I do not have any closure. I think that I internalized my anger for so long that it fed my clinical depression. I was given some tips from the group to help deal with my anger. They suggested writing a letter to “them” and mailing it to “Santa Clause” or burying it, something that is meaningful to me. Also, to put a picture of him on my wall and yell at him, and tell him how much he hurt me. I think that I will write a letter this weekend.
I also realized that the greatest gift that I can give myself is to love myself, and by doing so I need to stop my internal negative critic. I used to think that since I am not married, I was less of a person. This is my internal critic. Their suggestion is to put an elastic band around my wrist and snap it every time I have a negative thought about myself, and if I do this constantly, I will stop being negative toward myself. I guess, I wonder, “why do we talk to ourselves negatively and why are we so hard on ourselves?” Ask yourself this, “would you treat your mother or best friend the way you treat yourself?” I think that when you have been broken and worn down on a constant basis, your internal critic takes over, but gradually gets weaker once the abuser is gone. It is time that I turn that critic off, and learn to embrace and love myself. Do you?
“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission”