Am I Going To Hell?


July 01, 2007

I want to die. This whole experience is too painful, and my cat lies here choking beside me. Although my husband was emotionally abusive towards me, I can’t stop thinking that he is with someone else. It is driving me insane! I now know what happened. They were seeing each other during our marriage and he has found what he terms as “greener pastures”.

I just came home from going out with my friendĀ  and my parents told me ( yelled at me) that I better start taking care of myself because I was going downhill. My friend was in the middle of this. My ex had continuously been telling me that I was going to hell. I am Catholic and I was so worried that I was going to hell, so I talked to my friend. She listened and told me that I wasn’t. She told me that I could attend bible study with her and that she would talk to her pastor for me. She thinks that might help me.I have not made up my mind if that would be good for me. I keep on reminding myself that my councillors say it is not my fault.They say I can’t analyze a sick mind and that I have been so vulnerable in that abusive relationship. Thank God it is over. I have to build myself up again.




June 25, 2007

Today was the worst day of my life. I found out so much.

  • He has a girlfriend
  • He has hidden money since we were married
  • He stole my mutual funds with the help of his financial friend
  • He had bookmarked sites on spy cameras, lots of pornography, revenge, countries without extradition treaties, and he has been trying to ruin me financially

Wow! a girlfriend, I think that has hurt the most. He was having an affair before we separated. He saw her the day he left. I was right! When I talked to him last he said phrases like “the grass is greener on the other side”,I feel trapped”, ” What about the passion?” When he left it was way to easy for him. I feel sorry for her. He will emotionally abuse her and take her money. I realized today that my relationship was a sham. He did not love me. I have to prioritize and stay strong. His plan was to ruin my life and create so much debt. He is sick! Spy cams, revenge and extradition. I am relieved he is not in my life.

No more abuse!

No more abuse!

No more abuse!

No more abuse!

No more abuse!


The Quiz


June 18, 2007

Today he called me at work. I told him not to call me again here and that I will contact him next week when I am ready. Then I came home from councelling and he had left a voice message telling me to get my financial statements in order and that the “balls in my court” I can buy him out of the house in Mount Cope or he can buy me out. Interesting he did not mention our first house that is now a rental. I own half of that house too, but he wants me to think that I don’t, because he took all the important documents from our house. He is being such an asshole. It is funny but it is so peaceful in this house, and I am not exhausted. I do not have someone constantly criticizing me and making me feel like shit. My councilor tonight asked me to complete a quiz on emotional abuse. My husband is classified as an abuser. He scored 90%.

I remember

  • When he made me feel bad when I was talking to my friend on the phone, because he was home and I should have been paying attention to him. I had to talk to people when he was not home.
  • At work conferences he would come with me, or show up, or he would tell me I would have to be back in my room at a certain time because it was inappropriate to stay out. He would constantly call me to make sure. So when I was out of town I went back to my room every night and ordered room service.
  • When I went out with my boss during one of the conferences, he gave me such grief for staying out so late. I was back in my room before 12. She is female. I always had to check-in.
  • I stopped going to conferences
  • He always called me at least 5 times a day.
  • He was constantly telling me to suck his dick, when I didn’t want to. He would go on and on and start pressuring me to watch porn movies to see “how they do it” He never respected when I said NO, he would always tell me that he was going to get a mistress.

He is a jerk! I think I am going to change the locks tomorrow. I do not feel comfortable, he can come in anytime.


It Was All About the Money


June 17,2007

Well, I have been separated for 2 weeks. It really sucks and really hurts.I know that if I stayed home yesterday he would have come over to tell me that it was over, it was all my fault, and “I am doing it for you.” He would also want to discuss assets. I wasn’t there. I pulled into my parents driveway and my cell rang again. It was him. It was the fifth time. He has an agenda, like always. He wants to talk about finances.He wants to take control of the situation. I cannot talk to him right now. I am not strong enough. I am seeing another lawyer on Tuesday. This house looks so empty. It does not look like a man lives here. He has been planning this for months, that is why he is so emotionally detached. He is also seeking revenge. He took naked pictures of me , when I said no and tried to talk me into filming a porn movie. He wanted to post these on the internet to make money. It was all about money. It was all about revenge. He used to say to me that his revenge would be after such a time has elapsed, that no one would know it was him. His plan for revenge was directed at me. He plans on putting my pictures on the internet for money and to ultimately ruin my reputation. I remember that he was always bugging me to take naked pictures of me and to create “our own” porn movie. What a complete asshole. Several months prior I found out I was paying 300.00 more than I should have for my half of the expenses. When I questioned him , he said that he didn’t know. What a jerk! He was an emotionally abusive, controlling husband. So why am I so hurt? I do not understand. I wanted to get out of this marriage for so long. I felt like I was drowning.

I remember:

  • That he gave me a difficult time every time I spent money.
  • I could not buy a cup of coffee
  • Could not get my car washed
  • Had to go to his gas station for the points
  • I had to save and he checked all my receipts
  • Had to bring my lunch
  • Could not go to a restaurant and talk about anything personal. I embarassed him. We needed to sit in a booth away from everybody
  • Did not respect when I said NO.
  • Did not care about my opinion. I told him I did not want to go to Cuba. I kept telling him I did not want to go to Cuba. He booked the trip to Cuba.
  • Told me I should be hanging out with his friends wives.
  • Did not like my friends
  • Told me that he thinks he is GOD and he is always right

So why do I miss him? It does not make any sense. Maybe it is because he has been in my live for 7 years. He always ignored me and used to say to me ” If I wasn’t here you would have to learn to do things for yourself.” He never wanted to do anything in our house. I did not realize what a liar he is. I think he lied a lot.



June12, 2007

I felt like I needed to write. I am so depressed. It is hard to be at work. It is keeping me busy, but the job is isolating and that does not help. Every time I breathe it hurts. Is it the sleeping pills? I thought they were not strong enough. They are the only thing that gets me through the day, because it takes the pain away a bit.

I left a card and memories of us on the table thinking he might come to the house. He did. He called me at work to thank me for the card and then said some hurtful things. I could not stop crying at work so I left early and drove to find him. I went to his moms. I told her my marriage was failing and that we have been separated for a week and I wanted him to come home. She called him and when he walked into the door he did not look at me. He was so angry. During the past week he has been building resentment toward me. Our conversation did not go well. He blames me for everything. He was detached from me, like there was no emotion.He then talked about unresolved issues. He said that I was alone but he was trying to build a future for us.

While I was married to him , he did not make me happy, I wanted so much to get out of the marriage. He hurt me so many times. Like he did today. He treated me like I was a kid, and he had all the control. He told me he did not want to have kids. He did not care what I had to say. It was like his decision. Why am I so sad? I want to be strong and not feel like a bad person. I asked him to come home and he said that I had to stick with the plan. Although his message says something else, I think I NEED HELP! I think I have been in a controlling relationship, and need to talk to someone about power and control.

Maybe my life will get better. This house is so empty and so sad! I keep telling myself ; Love thyself!


Hour by Hour

June 09, 2007

I am truly separated. I took off my rings. I called him tonight and he does not want to come home. He says he is playing baseball. I have to go day by day, and in my heart he no longer exists.

  • I have to live hour by hour.
  • He does not exist
  • I no longer love him
  • I no longer love him
  • Go hour by hour, hour by hour, by hour
  • He is no longer in my life
  • I am not attached to anyone
  • He is not coming to my house
  • He is not coming to my house
  • He is not coming to my house
  • He is a jerk
  • He is a jerk
  • He is a jerk
  • He is a jerk
  • First married, he patronized me, made me feel like a kid
  • He is a jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk
  • Freedom, freedom, freedom, freedom
  • He is insecure. Our marriage sucked, sucked, sucked, sucked
  • I am free, free, free, free
  • Make this house mine
  • No one lived here before
  • No one lived here before
  • No one lived here
  • Freedom, freedom, freedom
  • I can survive
  • I can survive
  • I can survive
  • I can survive
  • I can survive
  • I am strong, strong, strong, strong, stron, strong, strong, strong
  • Independent, independent
  • Independent, independent
  • I don’t need a man, I don’t need a man
  • I don’t need a man
  • I don’t need a man



June 08, 2007

” I am finding the days very hard. My eyes hurt so much I cannot see to write this. I have never felt this sad in my entire life. It is a strong sense of abandonment and loneliness. The worst is at 4:30 when work is over and you realize that you have no one to come home to. I bought ten sessions of personal training so that I can keep busy. I actually have to pay people to talk to me. I don’t want to live like this. I have no one, except my mom. He is such a coward. How can you leave your wife. Because he thought I was responsible. I wanted to start my own family, instead I am probably going to be alone. I do not think this is fair. I am deeply sad. I can barely keep my eyes open they hurt so much. My circumstances are very bad. Isolating.