September 13, 2007
Sometimes I cannot breathe. On the outside to some I appear to be okay, but on the inside I am still hurting. I still do not enjoy my day. Sometimes I might be content for an hour, but that is all. My brain is still processing everything. It is too much! How can my own husband lie to me and hurt me so bad. He has clearly moved on to the next target. Is he planning on marrying her? I guess if it benefits him. What does he have planned for her? He is such a bastard. He discarded me so quickly and it has not been 3 months. He has no care or compassion for anyone. The people at the abuse centres are right. My husband never loved me. I was an object to him. It is so hard to swallow. My life overnight has been turned upside down. Although I do not cry as much anymore, I think I am just burying it.I have such difficulty leaving the house. My heart races and I can’t breathe. I am so scared I am going to see them.That would kill me. I don’t want him back in a million years. I guess it is because he hurt me so much.
My day now consists of waking up, driving and having anxiety attacks, flashbacks, strong emotions, tired all the time, feeling hurt every minute of the day, numbness, confusion, hatred and lost. When I am sleeping I have nightmares and tremours. What fun!!I have to keep reminding myself that he is gone and it is over. He cannot hurt me anymore. I do not have to deal with him face to face anymore. It is over! But I still see bars on the windows in Mount Cope. I remember staring outside, lost and confused. What a nightmare.
He can’t hurt me! He can’t hurt me!
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