June 17, 2008
I am starting to look back at my relationship, with a different perspective. I know that it was a horrible marriage and he was abusive toward me. I was recently explained, that the “abuser” has a “we” plan and if you deviate from his “we” plan, than he will start to treat you poorly and become abusive. He wants you to think like him, and conform to his ideologies, beliefs, values, and behavior. During, this time, you begin to lose your sense of self, and start conforming to what he wants you to become, “an image of himself”. It took over 1 year to realize that there is nothing wrong with me, just because I am not like him. I learned this just recently after dating several men. They were all very different, and none were alike. Some liked to golf and like sports, and on the other hand some liked boating and riding motorcycles. I am learning to embrace myself, and at the same time learning more about myself everyday. No one is no longer telling me “who I am”, instead I am defining who I am. Do you know who you are?
She Called It "Mount Cope" 
June 18, 2008 at 6:25 am
Hi, I have been following your website for sometime. I just want to congratulate you for having progressed much so far. Currently I am having a summer holiday at my parents’ place; staying with them makes me very unhappy. My father has been emotionally (sometimes physically) abusing my mom on and off for as long as I can remember (more than 20 years) and only today my mom went to a psychologist for the first time. They are talking divorce now (like they have done for a long time) but still my mom kept saying things like, “actually when your father is nice, he is nice” and that makes me sick. He is “nice” is one thing; his actions are WRONG, W-R-O-N-G.
The psychologist asked, “how could you have survived like this for so many years? does the word ‘abuse’ ever occur to you?” I hope someday my mom can stop compromising and take actions, the way you did start taking charge of your life.
Abusive relationships is not something to be taken lightly. It affects not only one person, but if it involves children, then many are suffering. What you wrote about The controlling and possessive qualities is so true. I almost got into an abusive relationship myself but I luckily got out quickly. They ways parents deal with their relationship really pass on to the children if not intervened.
Here’s an article that I find quite useful in identifying abusers:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
June 18, 2008 at 6:48 am
Just minutes after I wrote my last comment it suddenly dawned to me that *I* was emotionally abused as a child, by both my father and my mother. The idea that it’s ok to criticize someone’s character instead of deeds, call names, make someone feels guilty about having freedom, trivialize what’s important for someone, etc. etc. passed on in my family. It’s time for me to stop the chain, and the power begins with recognizing such fact.
I really do have to fix myself and be aware not to do this to my future partner/children.
June 18, 2008 at 12:15 pm
CC,
Thank you very much for your input and insight. I have linked the article you recommended in the sidebar under “Abuse Resources”. Take care
Mount Cope
October 13, 2008 at 12:50 pm
confused about everythin