Always Making Excuses

May 06, 2008
Although I blame my ex, I do also point the finger at myself. I have chosen men that are not good for me, and ended relationships too late. I should have left my ex, when he left me on his mother’s lawn chair after I broke my ankle, while he took a shower. Have I learned from my mistakes? Yes, to some degree but I am not ending relationships, when I see a red flag. Instead, I make excuses for their behavior. I just ended a relationship yesterday, after 3 months. The relationship should have ended after the first date. But why did I not follow my gut instinct, probably because the alternative did not look very attractive, being alone again, and not being able to do things, because activities usually involve couples. Here is my relationship; can you pick out the red flags?
  • Met this person on the internet (free site)
  • On the second date he told me that he was sexually abused as a child (not his fault, but he told this to me too soon), and his father was diagnosed with schizophrenia
  • He was charged with assault for beating up his ex-wife’s boyfriend. He had a subsequent event, when he was charged again, after a man was threatening him outside his ex-girlfriend’s house. He met his ex-wife at a courthouse, when he was charged with assault with a weapon (beer bottle). He said that his ex-girlfriend’s said that she was sexually assaulted, so he hit him over the head with a beer bottle
  • He told me that he was play wrestling with a girl he met at a bar. She fell down and hit her head and had to go to emergency. He stayed with her because he felt sorry for her, and did not want to be sued
  • He was sued $20,000 as a result of a driving accident. I am not to sure what happened
  • He said that all his relationships had failed, that he was negative and had no friends
  • He talked a lot about his ex-wife and girlfriend
  • He came over to my house and told me about his bad day at work (his colleagues don’t like him), but he always had an excuse, I then started to talk and he said, “I don’t want to listen about your day”
  • He did not want to meet my friends or family
  • I invited him to a girlfriend’s party and he was upset with me, because I asked him the day of. That he felt like he was second best. I apologized. I compared him to my ex, and said that we would all hang out. He did not like that either
  • He never would phone me, instead we communicated through e-mail because he only had 250 minutes a month. I guess I was not worthy of a phone call. I now wonder who he talked to
  • He never took me out or bought me anything. When I bought him a 1 month anniversary gift, he was not happy about it, and thought it was juvenile
  • I made dinner one night (he never cooked for me once) and complained about the food, that I cooked with to much butter, etc. I felt insulted
  • He wanted to go to Hamilton to eat dinner there, and I did not want to go. He kept pressuring me.
  • He said that I talked too much and at times did not listen. In fact I was driving one night and talking about my family and said that he was not interested
  • He knows that I love my cat, I asked him to shut that door because she has a disability and cannot go outside, he always left it open. In fact one day I saw him on the deck and my cat was outside with him.He said that he felt sorry for the cat because she is always inside, and she is alright with him. That was very disrespectful and crossing my boundaries
  • He told me after we had a nice breakfast that I should take my cat for a country ride and leave her
  • He told me that they took in a stray dog (which is nice) and went away. When they got back their place was robbed and there was dog crap all over the floor. He hit the dog and took him for a “county ride”
  • He was starting to come over frequently at night (around 9:30) and sleep over. How convenient
  • He would talk about sex in public places and grabbed my breasts in the movie theatre
  • We would have date night on Sunday. He watched NASCAR. At the beginning, he would order pizza and I would go over. Then we started to rotate. I wanted a vegetarian pizza. I told him that it was not fair for me to pay for the pizza, when I eat 2 slices and he eats the entire 2 pizza’s. The next time, he ordered the pizza, before I got there, and did not even ask me what I wanted on it, or for that matter waited for me.
  • He bought a bike, and really had no consideration for me. He rode fast and at times felt that I was going to fall off
  • I helped him one night with his motorbike, and said that he can help me memorize lines. He said, “no” that he would not be interested in doing that
  • He also confessed that he was a very blunt person. After the show, he said that I had bad breath and noticed some facial hair on my face.
  • I bought a dish washer and he offered to install it. When he came over I said, “were you looking forward to seeing me” Yeah, to install your dishwasher”
  • I was starting to have enough. When we were driving to the show, he started to tell me a story about his friend, throwing a cat out the window, I told him to stop. He told me anyway, and said “sorry baby I have to tell someone, you are not mad at me, how about a kiss”
  • During the second week of dating, he bought a motorbike and he brought it over and was complaining that he really had no where to store it, so I offered my garage
  • The last day, he was telling me that when he comes over, that I should put my cat in another room because he does not like cats. I argued that fact. He got up and raised his voice and swore at me. I sent him an e-mail breaking up with him
  • He come over yesterday and was trying to say that I did not break up with him, and that this relationship ended because we are incompatible (I like cats and he doesn’t). Then the truth should set you free, he said that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend
  • So now it makes sense, he used and abused me for sex, my garage, and companionship (someone to do things with) and validated treating me like shit because he never cared. And he knew it to…I was merely an object. He is truly a jerk…
So I look at these red flags, and there is a lot, I wonder why in hell I would allow someone to do this to me and treat me like shit. I guess the only answer that I have, is that I feel like shit. I know that I deserve better, but have a long way to go. I am not ready to date, until I start respecting and liking myself a bit more, and when I have put the past behind me. Dating this guy was a band aid solution. In spite of it all I have some good moments, and I guess wanted to strive for a natural high. On a positive note, I did end it after 3 months; it could have dragged on a lot longer. But in actuality, I should have ended it after the first date. I guess, I felt sorry for him and I try to see the good in everyone. But I am the one who gets hurt in the end. It had its exciting moments and I could relate to him about divorce, if anything. So, I hear people telling me that you have to learn to like yourself? Okay, that sounds great, but how do you do it? I am going to spend the summer trying to figure that out. I would really like to experience one day what it is like to be truly happy and have a wonderful relationship with someone. I will probably forget about this person, in the next couple of weeks or sooner.
MC
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4 Responses to “Always Making Excuses”

  1. Susan Says:

    Okay, MC…that’s pretty bad!! I laughed outloud at some of the stuff, because not only did I get the tragedy of the whole thing, but I could sense a little “satiracle” humor. Look, it’s in there. I can see it, just in the little bit that I have read. Let me tell you what I see…you are bright, you are witty, you are an intellectual, by all accounts…you enjoy the arts, you are involved in the arts, you are clearly VERY creative – evident from your site, you are organized, compassionate – hence the disabled cat??lol.. I am no expert on dating, in fact, I’m not divorced yet. I have a laundry list of the same stuff. You know a lot more in retrospect – remember that!! You don’t want to be hasty in not getting to know someone, but you don’t want to be an enabler, either. I don’t know what you project to others, obviously, I have no way of knowing that, but for me, you seem well read, interesting, analytical/philosophical, maybe. Am I getting any of this right?? You deserve someone who will see you for who you are, will be respectful of you, be completely enthralled in your mind…good, bad, and ugly. We all have good, bad and ugly…just focus on the good for now. Put bad and ugly to rest. Find your self-confidence without being arrogant…don’t let your guard down, but be open. Open up to possibilities, and believe that you are worthy. Go for something or someone completely different from your standard…with no expectations, and see what it will do for your self-esteem. You need to know who you are…you know the girl who attracts THAT guy…but what about the one who COULD have the OTHER guy? If it’s companionship you want. No doubt you give off energy, and we vibrate, and people pick up on similar vibrations. We are receptors, transmitters, and receivers…I believe THAT is why we make the same mistakes over and over…I don’t want to say completely surrender to the process, but stop fighting it so much. Let the two co-exist. You are selling yourself way too short…anyone worth having will pick up on that, and if you believe you’re not worthy, it iwill be a repellent. You know that your confidence was shattered as a result of what someone MADE you believe…you are no lesser of a person..you are the person HE created..THAT’S the person who isn’t real…YOU are real…stop being the character he created…start being the one that you really are. You know that right?

  2. Susan Says:

    Good morn MC, I poked around your site a little more last night, reading more of your posts. I am amazed at the similarities. I am also amazed at the MO of the emotional abuser. My husband pulled the religious, “God doesn’t hear what you say, you don’t know how to pray,” routine. I spoke with a counselor last year regarding all this. She suggested, and it made perfect sense, that he was trying to control my sprirituality…more mind control. That, to me, seems like a final desperate attempt to infiltrate and confuse, because of how sacred and personal a person’s religious beliefs are. Think about it!! He has done a fantastic job of robbing me of my soul. I have only come to the realization of what happened, so I am still sorting through it all. I ran across a book, displaced on a shelf, on Narcissism. I really didn’t know THAT much about it, but it is extremely convoluted and when I read it, it was like I had found the Holy Grail!! I understand, now, what has happened, but I am still coming to grips with it all. I consider myself to be pretty astute, too, when it comes to such things, but they are so good, so skilled, and it’s so insidious day to day..that by the time you realize what has happened, the damage is done. He won’t leave our home during the divorce process – in fact – I can hear him downstairs now…it makes my heart beat faster, and my hands tremble. He has monitored my email for months, he had me followed, he has our house wired for audio in order to spy on me when he leaves town, he looks at my cell phone and home phone calls in real time, he can see every bank transaction, every credit card purchase, and he is obsessing over it!! I had to take him to court just this past Monday to have the Judge order him to give me access to our money, because he was concealing everything. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 9 years!! He insisted I get a Tahoe for me and the girls, which I didn’t want…I loved my van, okay, I admit it!! But, I relented and got the new vehicle…he took it away and is now driving it, and I have a trailblazer (fine enough) but I can’t haul my girls and their friends around now, there is no room. He has a theater system that just sits there in that massive 8 seater vehicle, at the airport each week, while he travels. He’s read all my correspondence to my attorney’s, so he has leveraged himself legally, based on that. I feel like a lab rat. It’s rape and piliging everyday!!! All I want is a divorce. He insults me every chance he gets, telling me I’m pathetic, I’m nothing, I was nothing when he married me, etc..etc…but then he goes to church every Sunday and parades himself and our children around like he is some poor victim. It’s barely palatable…I understand your thoughts on violence…you feel like the only way to stop the machine is to kill it! It’s surreal, I have no control, and it’s just more of the same, only manifested and magnified in all his legal actions. He has stalled, not cooperated, withheld, etc…you name it..this puppet master has done it all. As far as I can tell, he can get away with it too. He is making up lies about me as a mother, which are completely untrue, and I am terrified!! In all that he has read, he only wants to focus on my emotional reliance on another person, and not what the actual contents are: about how much he has hurt me, what he has done to me, what he has reduced me to…he hasn’t apologized for making me feel that way. He has had no epiphanies..do you know why? Because he is sick! He can not empathize. I am the one who is wrong, I am the one who is selfish, I am the one who knows nothing about committment, I am the one with the skewed perception. I don’t even care, I just want out, I want our children to be okay, I have begged him to be amicable, and he refuses. I want to scream out and defend myself to all of our friends, who have no idea about emotional abuse, btw..I doubt they’d believe it anyway..because they are so good, so stealth..so any explanation or declaration on my part, makes me look like the crazy, paranoid one. I know this, because I hear the words that come out of my mouth! I’m trapped. Purgatory!!! I have to suck it up, know what I know, and move on. It’s isolating, lonely, scary, sad, horrific, you name it….it puts the heaviest burden on an individual that I can think of, because you are an army of one. Sure, you have support, but your support system, the one’s in a normal relationship, they don’t really understand. You are an army of one..so I fight another day. I fight to get through the divorce and protect my children, I fight to not be cynical, I fight to find my old self, I fight to stay strong, when all I really want is to have peace.

  3. cpapandmore Says:

    wow, i loved your post. i think im heading in that direction. although, mine is long distance and we went from fun love talking to him making assumptions and calling me names. i knew it would never “work” but it was fun at first. im glad i stumbled across your blog, it helped me start to really thinking about this…

  4. legalprison Says:

    I believe when anyone steps over your boundaries this is a clear sign they don’t respect you. The problem is that can slowly happen over time and you don’t realize what it is for a while.


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