Always Making Excuses

May 06, 2008

Although I blame my ex, I do also point the finger at myself. I have chosen men that are not good for me, and ended relationships too late. I should have left my ex, when he left me on his mother’s lawn chair after I broke my ankle, while he took a shower. Have I learned from my mistakes? Yes, to some degree but I am not ending relationships, when I see a red flag. Instead, I make excuses for their behavior. I just ended a relationship yesterday, after 3 months. The relationship should have ended after the first date. But why did I not follow my gut instinct, probably because the alternative did not look very attractive, being alone again, and not being able to do things, because activities usually involve couples. Here is my relationship; can you pick out the red flags?

• Met this person on the internet (free site)
• On the second date he told me that he was sexually abused as a child (not his fault, but he told this to me too soon), and his father was diagnosed with schizophrenia
• He was charged with assault for beating up his ex-wife’s boyfriend. He had a subsequent event, when he was charged again, after a man was threatening him outside his ex-girlfriend’s house. He met his ex-wife at a courthouse, when he was charged with assault with a weapon (beer bottle). He said that his ex-girlfriend’s said that she was sexually assaulted, so he hit him over the head with a beer bottle
• He told me that he was play wrestling with a girl he met at a bar. She fell down and hit her head and had to go to emergency. He stayed with her because he felt sorry for her, and did not want to be sued
• He was sued $20,000 as a result of a driving accident. I am not to sure what happened
• He said that all his relationships had failed, that he was negative and had no friends
• He talked a lot about his ex-wife and girlfriend
• He came over to my house and told me about his bad day at work (his colleagues don’t like him), but he always had an excuse, I then started to talk and he said, “I don’t want to listen about your day”
• He did not want to meet my friends or family
• I invited him to a girlfriend’s party and he was upset with me, because I asked him the day of. That he felt like he was second best. I apologized. I compared him to my ex, and said that we would all hang out. He did not like that either
• He never would phone me, instead we communicated through e-mail because he only had 250 minutes a month. I guess I was not worthy of a phone call. I now wonder who he talked to
• He never took me out or bought me anything. When I bought him a 1 month anniversary gift, he was not happy about it, and thought it was juvenile
• I made dinner one night (he never cooked for me once) and complained about the food, that I cooked with to much butter, etc. I felt insulted
• He wanted to go to Hamilton to eat dinner there, and I did not want to go. He kept pressuring me.
• He said that I talked too much and at times did not listen. In fact I was driving one night and talking about my family and said that he was not interested
• He knows that I love my cat, I asked him to shut that door because she has a disability and cannot go outside, he always left it open. In fact one day I saw him on the deck and my cat was outside with him.He said that he felt sorry for the cat because she is always inside, and she is alright with him. That was very disrespectful and crossing my boundaries
• He told me after we had a nice breakfast that I should take my cat for a country ride and leave her
• He told me that they took in a stray dog (which is nice) and went away. When they got back their place was robbed and there was dog crap all over the floor. He hit the dog and took him for a “county ride”
• He was starting to come over frequently at night (around 9:30) and sleep over. How convenient
• He would talk about sex in public places and grabbed my breasts in the movie theatre
• We would have date night on Sunday. He watched NASCAR. At the beginning, he would order pizza and I would go over. Then we started to rotate. I wanted a vegetarian pizza. I told him that it was not fair for me to pay for the pizza, when I eat 2 slices and he eats the entire 2 pizza’s. The next time, he ordered the pizza, before I got there, and did not even ask me what I wanted on it, or for that matter waited for me.
• He bought a bike, and really had no consideration for me. He rode fast and at times felt that I was going to fall off
• I helped him one night with his motorbike, and said that he can help me memorize lines. He said, “no” that he would not be interested in doing that
• He also confessed that he was a very blunt person. After the show, he said that I had bad breath and noticed some facial hair on my face.
• I bought a dish washer and he offered to install it. When he came over I said, “were you looking forward to seeing me” Yeah, to install your dishwasher”
• I was starting to have enough. When we were driving to the show, he started to tell me a story about his friend, throwing a cat out the window, I told him to stop. He told me anyway, and said “sorry baby I have to tell someone, you are not mad at me, how about a kiss”
• During the second week of dating, he bought a motorbike and he brought it over and was complaining that he really had no where to store it, so I offered my garage
• The last day, he was telling me that when he comes over, that I should put my cat in another room because he does not like cats. I argued that fact. He got up and raised his voice and swore at me. I sent him an e-mail breaking up with him
• He come over yesterday and was trying to say that I did not break up with him, and that this relationship ended because we are incompatible (I like cats and he doesn’t). Then the truth should set you free, he said that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend
• So now it makes sense, he used and abused me for sex, my garage, and companionship (someone to do things with) and validated treating me like shit because he never cared. And he knew it to…I was merely an object. He is truly a jerk…

So I look at these red flags, and there is a lot, I wonder why in hell I would allow someone to do this to me and treat me like shit. I guess the only answer that I have, is that I feel like shit. I know that I deserve better, but have a long way to go. I am not ready to date, until I start respecting and liking myself a bit more, and when I have put the past behind me. Dating this guy was a band aid solution. In spite of it all I have some good moments, and I guess wanted to strive for a natural high. On a positive note, I did end it after 3 months; it could have dragged on a lot longer. But in actuality, I should have ended it after the first date. I guess, I felt sorry for him and I try to see the good in everyone. But I am the one who gets hurt in the end. It had its exciting moments and I could relate to him about divorce, if anything. So, I hear people telling me that you have to learn to like yourself? Okay, that sounds great, but how do you do it? I am going to spend the summer trying to figure that out. I would really like to experience one day what it is like to be truly happy and have a wonderful relationship with someone. I will probably forget about this person, in the next couple of weeks or sooner.

MC