July 25, 2007

Today, I was profoundly sad at work. I am having difficulty getting through the day. I just feel so empty and lonely inside that I want it to end. The hurt, sadness and anger are very overwhelming. I wish someone would just shoot me, or that I get into a car accident. I am trying to make sense of it, but I cannot understand it fully. I have changed so much since this has happened. I watch other people laughing and having fun, and I do not feel that way. I am watching my world fall apart. But what world should I be mourning? I just feel so out of my element. It seems like I am getting support from work, although I do not want everyone to know my personal business. But I guess I made it somewhat public when I reverted back to my maiden name. I could not bear having his last name. I do not want to be associated with that bastard! It is hard to believe that just 1 1/2 months ago I was married and wanted children. Now I am not married and I find out that my whole marriage was a sham. He used me! Seven years was a long time, and I am having difficulty erasing it overnight, even though he has moved on. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I met him while helping cancer patients. I guess I was the perfect target. It just hurts so much. I cannot get passed it.



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