Very Early Warning Signs -1


Dr. Steven Stosny

Very Early Warning Sign # 1: A Blamer

Avoid someone who blames his negative feelings and bad luck on someone else. Special care is necessary here, as blamers can be really seductive in dating. Their blame of others can make you look great by comparison:

“You’re so smart, sensitive, caring, and loving, not like that bitch I used to go out with.”

“Why couldn’t I have met you before that self-centered, greedy, woman I used to date?”

“You’re so calm and together, and she was so crazy and paranoid.”

Hearing this kind of thing might make you think that all he really needs is the understanding and love of a good woman to change his luck. This disastrous assumption flies in the face of the Law of Blame.

The Law of Blame: It eventually goes to the closest person.

When you become the closest person to him, the blame will certainly turn on you.

Blamers can be dangerous to love because they usually suffer from victim identity. Feeling like victims, they see themselves as justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take. Blamers will certainly cause pain for you if you come to love one.

Very Early Warning Sign # 2: Resentment

Resentment is a negative mood caused by focus on perceptions of unfairness. Resentful people feel like they are not getting the help, consideration, praise, reward, or affection they believe is due them.

Everyone has to put up with a certain amount of unfairness in life. We don’t like it, but we deal with it and move on; we try to improve our situations and our experiences. The resentful waste their emotional energy by dwelling on the unfairness of others (while remaining oblivious to their own unfairness). They think (mistakenly) that they don’t know how to improve their lives. They use resentment as a defense against a sense of failure or inadequacy.

Resentful people are so caught up in their “rights” and so locked into their own perspectives that they become completely insensitive to the rights and perspectives of others. If you fall in love with a resentful person, you will eventually become the brunt of that resentment and almost certainly feel shut out and diminished in the relationship.

Very Early Warning Sign # 3: Entitlement

People with a sense of entitlement believe that they deserve special consideration and special treatment. They may cut in front of others waiting in line, smoke wherever they want, drive any way they want, say anything they like, and do pretty much anything they choose.

Driven by high standards of what they should get and what other people should do for them, the entitled feel chronically disappointed and offended. So it seems only fair, from their myopic perspectives, that they get compensation for their constant frustrations. Special consideration seems like so little to ask! Here’s the logic:

“It’s so hard being me, I shouldn’t have to wait in line, too!”

“With all I have to put up with, I deserve to take a few supplies from the office.”

“With the kind of day I had, you expect me to mow the lawn?”

“All the taxes I pay, and they bother me about this little deduction!”

“The way I hit the golf ball, I should get the best seat in the restaurant!”

“I’m the man; you have to cook my dinner!”

After the glow of infatuation wears off, the entitled person will regard his feelings and desire as more important than yours. If you agree, you’ll get depressed. If you disagree, you’ll get abused.


2 Responses to “Very Early Warning Signs -1”

  1. Kandy Says:

    I saw a few of these signs before I married J but it was never directed at me until after. He shattered my hand wrist and arm. Then I was truly his victim , it went on for 3 years. I left him and didn’t see or hear from him for almost a year as I was very busy hiding , working and getting my life on track > I drove 30 miles to & from work out of my way to avoid him , then I dropped the charges so I could get get on with my life.

    I moved into a cute little place by some co-workers and after about a month I got a “gift” on my driveway , it was a board game we used to play that I had taped up so the pieces wouldn’t get lost when he threw it. I threw it away.

    Then I received a phone message that described my porch perfectly and I just blocked the number and went on to work.

    I pulled out on my way to a friends after work one day & realized I hadn’t checked my mail which I did @ then I just put it back into the box. It was gone later that evening when I got home.

    I finally called the police and made a report.

    On my next probation visit I was informed that he’d contacted my p.o. about getting ME to leave HIM alone !! I had been telling my p.o. all of this so he was onto him but had to detain me to verify it anyways. I missed my first day of work over this.

    A month later I came home to find a card from an officer on my door , when I called he had a summons for me . I racked my brains trying to figure out if I’d seen an accident or something . NOPE , I was being charged with stalking !!

    I got my work records together and arranged to have that day off . I talked to my p.o. who was going on vacation for two weeks so he wrote me a letterhead about the false stories J had told him to try to get me locked up.

    I went to court with my little letter and my work schedules and found out that written evidence was not admissible in a pre-warrant trial . A bundle of nerves I cried and poorly represented myself when I could noy just give them the proof that I was working 90% of the time that he filed his false police reports. I was locked up and my P.O. was on vacation !

    2 weeks and he came & got me as soon as he got back but by then I had lost my job and was soon to loose my place if I didn’t do something quick . I had to move for lack of work ( I had 3 years at the factory but still won’t be eligible for re-employ until 5 have passed) .

    The D.A. dropped the charges due to “lack-of evidence” and I got off probation the following month , I found a job 50 + miles away but it was all I could get . I moved in with family & drove back to see my children as often as I could.

    Now I have moved in with my childhood sweetie and we would love to marry but I dare not stir J up , he got a place less than 10 miles away from us so I’m scared to even try to get a job close to home (or go for a walk).

    He hangs out at a bar less than 1 mile from my house ! He just drove by tonight at 7:20 and I’ve seen him several times over the last year driving through my little neighborhood !

    When I had all the pins sticking out of my arm it was his favorite thing to do to grab me by them knowing I was on probation and wouldn’t call the law.

    This man may well KILL ME and that’s what it’s going to take for me to get ANY help . Well I just wanted people to know what kind of hell awaits you if you aren’t very careful as it’s soooo easy to get trapped and have your Independence stripped from you.

    And please if you hear of the death of a middle Georgia girl named Kandy under suspicious circumstances then point this post about my stalker and the inadequacy of protection out to the authorities .

  2. Riku Says:

    Check out this site:

    He has a great area about stalking, and how to stop them dead–by being proactive about protecting yourself and turning the lights ON by telling EVERYONE.

    “J” will be roused no matter what you do, so you might as well do as you please anyway. He gets to, and so should you. Not getting married to your sweetheart isn’t going to stop him from stalking you.

    Do you really want to spend your life too afraid to do anything?

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