The Night Stalker

It was June 28, 2007 but this evening ended with another game, another attempt at control, police and an incident report. It was during this time that my daughter, trying to pick up the pieces to her life was in almost daily councilling sessions. It was either EPR councilling, woman’s abuse groups, or group abuse councilling. As I drove and accompanied her at the beginning to these sessions, I began to gain a greater understanding of her horrendous life the past several years. On the way back to my house we stopped at her house to pick up a few things, check the house and the cats. As I was packing up my car with what she needed I noticed from the corner of my eye, a black car moving slowly and suspiciously around the corner toward me. As I stood out on the front lawn, in plain site I would see the driver move more hesitantly as he realized that the car in the driveway ( which is the same colour and make as my daughter’s ) belonged to me. It was my son-in-law. When he realized it was me, he stopped, turned around and sped away.

It was 9:00 at night. In the last year of her marriage she was in bed at 9:00. Many a time I would call at 8:00, and he would tell me she was sleeping. It was her defense, to go bed before or soon after he came home. She would confess afterwards that she didn’t want to “deal with him”. “The Night Stalker” believed she would be in bed. He wanted to catch her vulnerable, he wanted control, he had a plan. A plan to coerce and intimidate her to sign everything over to him. A plan to make sure that she knew it was all her fault and he had tried.Tried so hard in their marriage. He knew he was the best husband she could have. He loved her so much, and it was all her fault. But his plan was foiled when it was me he saw standing on the front lawn. He now had to cover up what his obvious plan was. I can almost see his frantic brain asking “What to do?, What to do?” What did he do? He called the police. Ten minutes after he sped away he was to return to inform me the police were on their way. Why? He wanted to gather his belongings and for my daughter’s “safety” the police were coming. I told him the police was not necessary and if he needed his things, he was more than welcome to go in the house and get them. But he insisted the police had to be involved. It was his classic game playing. He was always playing games. He was always playing the victim. He had access to his house all along. Did he not know we knew it was his daily ritual to return to the house, when he believed my daughter was at work, and take what he needed and see what she was up to.

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Rage

October 30, 2007

Today I was so angry. I could not stop thinking of what he has done to me. I know he had an affair with his other partner. I know it in my heart. I knew it then. He did things at our first house. I just know it. I hope he dies. I want some justice, anything. I wish someone would tell me that they broke up. I want to laugh again. He never loved me.

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Grieving – (Part Two)

ANXIETY AND LOSS OF CONTROL

You are probably accustomed to judging your safety by predicting your partner’s mood and picking up the signals from him, so you could anticipate and react. when you leave, the absence of your partner may feel frightening. You may feel you have lost control. Your feelings of safety are gone when you lose your signals. The feeling of loss and control are normal in transition. You are moving the center of control from your partner to yourself. i can be frightening as it is feeling and it just takes time.

YOUR IDENTITY

You may have identified yourself with your relationship, Your role as wife or mother may be the way you see yourself, and how you are known in the community. When you leave the relationship you will experience a real sense of loss of you and your self-identity. this process of moving from a role, a job of wife and mother, and private status of victim, to a single, competent person is painful and not always as fast as you might want to be. It involves getting to know yourself in a new way. Now you can become your own boss and your own person. Being on your own is a wonderful thing as well as a scary one. It may be the first time you have had the freedom to experience this responsibility. It sometimes takes many trials to discover when you are sad and what you want in life. this is normal. It is OK to learn from your mistakes and learn from what you do well.

DISORIENTATION

Changed memory can create a feeling of disorientation, disbelief in yourself, and betrayal from your partner. You are not crazy if you see your past, yourself and your partner differently. You may remember only the good times with your partner or only the bad times. It’s normal to look at yourself, your partner, and the world in a new way. Your situation is different now and so you will ahve a different perspective.

LONELINESS

Your friends may change over time. Your situation may now be different than theirs.Your interests and concerns may become different They may feel threatened by your new position. the shakier their marriages are, the quicker they will leave you. They may take sides with your partner. It may hurt you a great deal if your former in-laws reject you. Family blood is often thicker than you want to believe. It may take awhile to trust, or to have energy for anyone else. this is normal and self protective. You may want to isolate yourself, but friendships are very important. Friends are very important at this time.Don’t sit around waiting to be asked out – reach out- even though it may seem less painful to isolate yourself, in the long run, it is not.

NEW RELATIONSHIPS

New relationships may trigger memories of your old relationship. It takes hard work, a great deal of commitment and communication to be in a relationship. A second relationship has different problems from the first. Be sure you feel strong enough to live independently before you make the choice dependently again. This way, when you have a choice you will not be as likely to amke the same mistakes. You will be better able to stand up for your rights.

It is important to remember that life is up and down. You will have good days, when you are feeling strong and capable, and bad days, when you are feeling depressed and vulnerable. Know that feeling bad will not last forever and there are things you can do to help yourself through the down times.

Many women find that the first anniversary of leaving is particularly painful. It is important for you to be aware of that and plan for it. You may arrange to spend that time with close friends. You may also get in touch with the staff of the shelter in your community to get reinforcement and support.

Author Unknown

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Grieving – Part One

Leaving An Abusive Relationship:

Separation is not easy. Knowing what to do and what to expect does not stop you from having feelings. You will probably feel your emotions more strongly than ever. you may feel betrayal, grief, anger, joy and freedom, weakness and strength, often at the same time. You may feel that you are going crazy because of all the emotions you have , which sometimes are overwhelming, contradictory, and unexpected. You are not crazt. this is a normal process. Remember that your emotions are just part of you, a changing part, and they are not “you”, the whole person. Let yourself feel your emotions fully. Do not judge yourself for having them. You will pass through each one in time.

GRIEF

Grief is a large part of the process of letting go of a relationship. When you feel grief, let yourself cry. You may feel like you will never stop. You are facing a death, the death of your relationship. you will stop crying when the mourning is over. You may not understand why you are so sad, especially if you were badly abused. there were probably some good things that you will miss. This is the reality.Remember you did have to pay a price for more good things – a very high price.

EUPHORIA

You may experience a great euphoria when you leave the relationship. This may last for weeks or months. This is usually felt if you have made a clear decision. This euphoria can help give you energy to get yourself on your feet again. Don’t be surprised, if a month or a year later, you feel grief or anger or depression. This is normal and part of the process of change or separation. You will have to work through all the stages at some time. the timing may vary with each individual and the process is usually finished in three years if you have let yourself feel fully at each stage.

ANGER

You may feel more anger after separating than you have ever felt before. You may suddenly feel all the anger that is stockpiled and denied during your relationship, along with the built up frustration at not getting your needs met, and the powerlessness of your position. It is safe to feel angry now. Accept that your anger is normal. Anger can give you power and motivation. Use it to your advantage. The goal of letting yourself feel anger is to express it constructively so that you become free of it. Do not use it for revenge. Acting in revenge may destroy your self-respect in the long run. Fantasize about revenge instead (this is normal so be easy on yourself)

GRIEVING SYMPTOMS

While you are going through the separation, it is normal for you to experience both physical and emotional stress reactions. Physical symptoms you may experience include; sleep disturbances; diarrhea or constipation; nausea; changes in heart rate; menstrual changes; weight gain or loss. Psychological symptoms may include; sadness; hopelessness or feeling of futility; edginess; poor memory. Good physical health will help you cope.

FEELING OF FAILURE

You may feel that admitting “failure” in your relationship confirms that you are inadequate.This is not true. You have probably done all you could to make it work and it is not your fault that your efforts failed. Relationships take two people working together to make it a success. also remember that your decision to leave was a painful and difficult one. recognize your success in making that decision.

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I Am Scared

October 28, 2007

Today, was a very sad day. I started my day in church. That was OK. I still find it a bit overwhelming because it s different and I am not used to it. Although I say to myself that my Evangelical friends were the best compared to the so called Catholics. I will see how it goes. Maybe I will try something different like the United Church. I do not know. I am going to give it some time. It would be nice to meet people my age. I then went for lunch with the couple I met at the church. They are die-hard Born Again Christians. They are missionaries. It was bit uncomfortable. I though the husband was a bit eccentric. He then went to the car and brought me a Bible. They are trying to convert me, but I am still only testing the waters. then I thought if my Ex saw me now he would laugh at me. Like I said it would be nice to meet people my own age.

This is a different life. I feel lost. I don’t know who I am. I was depressed and decided to go to Leons. I bought a mattress, TV, and stand all for $2000.00. The staff person kept saying ” You must be so excited!” I am sick of hearing that. No I am not excited! I am scared! I was forced into this situation. I am still mad, angry, sad, and depressed. How could he do this to me? I hate him so much. I am so mad! I want to kill him. I want to go get a gun and shoot him in cold blood. I want to kill her as well. But I won’t. I do not want to spend the rest of my life in jail. But I now understand why woman who are so emotionally abused by their husbands’  kill them.

My head hurts so much. I wish the pain would go away. I want justice. Something??

Another day is almost over.

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Bad Place

October 27, 2007

Today I started off my day very sad. On our way to the Lake, we drove by the area we once lived. I could not breathe and I felt my chest get tighter. I had enough at that point and wanted to go home. We then stopped at the gas station. I hated it. He made me go there for the points.At this point I was in tears. I never drive down there. I just don’t. When we were at the Lake I felt so sad. I kept thinking about him, about them. I started to get very frustrated. Then I remembered the time we came to the Lake, all he did was sleep, because he didn’t want to be there. He did not want to go anywhere with my family. Sometimes I miss him and I don’t know why. Sometimes I think it is better having my old life back then it is being alone. I hate it. I am used to being with someone for 7 years, and now I have been separated for 5 months. I get so angry. he hurt me so bad. Pain I could never imagine. I did not make him happy, nothing, I did not make him happy. I guess I wanted to “spend, spend!”I did not pay him for the treadmill, fireplace, bed, computer and desk. But I bought the drapes, the couches, the table, towels, household articles. I never saw a dime of our wedding money.He gave me such a hard time about money. He made me take out that loan for $10,000 for the wedding that my parents paid for and then stole my mutual funds. I saved some money and used it for lipo. To this day I don’t know why I did that. I was in such a bad place at that time. I think when you are in such an awful marriage you do things that you would never do. He used to talk to me about money everyday, the days that he was home.

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Replaced

October 25, 2007

Today started alright. I went to play baseball with girls from work . It was so overwhelming. I had all these memories. My entire summer used to be at a baseball diamond. Why would I think this would not affect me? I then felt myself getting very angry and then felt just replaced. It still cuts at the core, and it has been 5 months now. Maybe it is because I still live in this area with my parents. But when I live by myself, will that affect me? I don’t know. I still have my cats.

I started to cry at the baseball diamond. I don’t know if it is such a good idea. I felt so lonely today. It was like I was waiting for him to appear and he never did. Then I started to think about them together, and I got so angry, even though i don’t want him. It does not make any sense. So all my marriage was worth was $20,000 . That is what I settled for to get out and try to get on with my life. Essentially that $20,000 covered only the loans he made me take out for the wedding after the fact (even though my parents payed for the wedding) and other money he kept telling me I owed him. Even with the settlement he still has left me in a financial mess.

I wish someone would tell me that he is doing horrible. That they are doing horrible. I want him, them, to feel as much pain as I have to everyday. They should not get away with it. He got away with everything.

Another day and another day and another day. Where is happiness? I just go on and on. That’s it!

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Here Comes The Judge!

October 23, 2007

Today I worked for 8 hours. I felt so sick all day. My lungs hurt. My eyes hurt. I was in alot of pain, but I kept on going. When I feel sick I am no longer going to feel bad about it. That is how it is. I have a chronic condition, and that’s that! He always made me feel bad when I was sick.

Today I felt free! I hardly thought of my old life. I would not want to go back there. I remembered when we went to the Lake and he just slept all day in the room. Then when we went to the Beach, he stayed in the room and watched soccer. I look back and think that was so rude. I mean he did not even try. I then remembered again when he used to make me put up my hand to speak. Then he would pretend to be the “judge” and say “Okay, the juror with the blue shirt on, you now can have the floor” That was so degrading. I can’t imagine anyone else doing that. I stayed too long. I know now what I have always known deep inside, I never loved him.You cannot love someone like that. It was just convenience and familiarity. At this point in my life I would rather be alone. I thrive when I am on my own. I think life will be better. I need to surround myself with good people. I do not want to party, drink and go to bars. That is no longer my thing. But I also need space to figure things out.

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No-One’s Business

October 22, 2007

Today I went to the Gospel church and it was interesting. A woman offered to sit beside me. That would never happen in a Catholic church. In fact I sat by myself all the time, so this was nice having someone sit beside me. She seemed nice and afterwards introduced me to some parishioners. They seemed to be very interested in meeting me and were very curious. In fact one woman came over with a piece of paper, asked me my name and then asked me if I was married. I said “no”, that I was single.They asked me about the ring I was wearing, I told them it was my grandmothers’. They seemed very excited and told me of the single men at the church. She also thought i was in my 20’s. I then spoke to the preacher and his wife. They seemed nice, not pushy. I found out that there is only 200 parishioners. I like the church. I am looking for something different. The woman who sat with me asked me to go to lunch. I did not want to get personal at this time, so I declined. I think she would ask too many questions. It is really no-one’s business.

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Who Wants To Be Alone

October 21, 2007

Today I am so sad. I wish someone would just kill me! I can’t stop hurting. I just live. I keep busy and distracted and that’s it. But I am profoundly sad. I went to Runners Den this morning to run at 9:00, but sure enough they left at 8:45. I managed to catch up to them though. My running has improved. I noticed Scott does not pay much attention to me. I wander why. I really should not care. I guess I just want to fit in. I was so hungry all day I could not stop eating. I then sat in the park by myself again and watched the ducks and the people go to the ice cream festival. I wish I had a family to go with, but I don’t.

I then went for a manicure. All the girl talked about was her husband. I could not stand it. I get so jealous. Then I think and compare. I need to stop that. I never had a good marriage. I miss having someone around. i get so jealous of people who are married. I just want to be in bed and never wake up. Maybe all the running will cause me to have a heart attack. then it will be a natural death.

I then went to work and did school work. It is now starting to be time consuming. I also drove by my condo and looked in the window. A girl at work told me that she is jealous that I am single, attractive and young and how exciting it is for me to move into a condo. I said that I was angry. So think about it, your husband is going to cheat, steal from you and then ask yourself, are you going to be happy?. Who wants to be alone? I remember my ex saying to me once, who wants to date again! I hope to God that she dumps him and he will get that opportunity. I hope that I am happily remarried with a family and he falls flat on his face!

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Just Bricks

October 20, 2007

Today was a good day! I was smiling today. I saw my professor today and I was actually smiling. Then I went to trauma counselling. I immediately liked her. I hope this works. I want to able to look at fire trucks and not care. She said it was a reminder of him. I am house sitting for another colleague / friend. Her cat took an immediate liking to me. I am lying in her bed and can’t believe her husband did that to her. She is a wonderful woman who did not deserve any of this. I actually saw his girlfriend. I don’t know how she lives with herself. I could not do what my friend does. I could not stay in the same house I shared with my husband. I can’t imagine my ex and his girlfriend in our old house. I guess I will never understand. It is no longer mine anyway. It is just bricks. I get so angry lying here. He is such a coward.

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Ways To Build Self Esteem

WAYS TO BUILD SELF-ESTEEM

1. Free yourself of “shoulds’. Live your life on the basis of what is possible for you and what feels right to you instead of what you or others think you “should” do. “Shoulds” distract us from identifying and fulfilling our own needs, abilities, interests and personal goals. Find out what you want and what you are good at and work on those things.
2. Respect your own needs and take care of your own needs first. Identify what really fulfills you. Respecting your deeper needs will increase your sense of worth and well being.
3. Set achievable goals based on what you can realistically achieve. Then work step-by-step to develop your potential. Unachievable goals can lead to stress and failure.
4. Talk to yourself positively. Stop listening to your cruel inner critic. When you are doubting or judging yourself, replace such thoughts with self-accepting thoughts and realistic self-assessments
5. Test your reality. Separate your emotional reactions, your fears and bad feelings, from the reality of your current situation. Eg. You may feel anxious and helpless about a project, but if you think about it, you may have the opportunity to learn new things as well as make a contribution to the project.
6. Experience success. Find situations where the chances of succeeding are high. Look for projects that stretch but don’t overwhelm your abilities. Imagine yourself succeeding. Whatever you accomplish, acknowledge it and feel good about it.
7. Take chances. New experiences, are learning experiences, which can build self-confidence. Expect to make some mistakes and don’t be disappointed if you aren’t perfect. Feel good about trying something new, making progress and increasing your competence.
8. Solve problems. Don’t avoid problems. Face them and identify ways to solve them or cope with them. If you run away from problems you can solve, you threaten your self confidence.
9. Make decisions. Practice making and implementing positive decisions flexibly but firmly, and trust yourself to deal with the consequences. When you assert yourself, you enhance your sense of yourself, learn more and increase your self confidence.
10. Develop your skills. Know what you can and can’t do. Assess the skills you need, learn and practice those.
11. Emphasize your strengths. Focus on what you can do rather than what you cannot. Accept current limitations and live within them. Think about what strengths you want to develop or improve.
12. Rely on you own opinion of yourself. Listen to other’s feedback, but don’t rely on their opinions. Depend on your own values in making decisions and deciding how you feel about yourself and what is right for you.

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Facts

October 18, 2007

Today, I signed the papers for my divorce. I thought my lawyer was a complete asshole. If I asked him a question it seemed like I was inconveniencing him. Anyway, after I signed I stopped off at a picnic area just to process what I had just done. I wanted to check off adultery. I wanted to punish him for all that he did to me. I wanted some accountability.I know the facts of our marriage:

1. Emotionally abusive
2. I wanted to leave 6 months into our marriage. I told him to let me go and to find someone else, and that he did not treat me well.
3. He was never home. He just wanted sex and money.
4. He lied
5. He is a coward. Has no conscious
6. There were rules for him and different rules for me.

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