The Night Stalker

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It was June 28, 2007 but this evening ended with another game, another attempt at control, police and an incident report. It was during this time that my daughter, trying to pick up the pieces to her life was in almost daily councilling sessions. It was either EPR councilling, woman’s abuse groups, or group abuse councilling. As I drove and accompanied her at the beginning to these sessions, I began to gain a greater understanding of her horrendous life the past several years. On the way back to my house we stopped at her house to pick up a few things, check the house and the cats. As I was packing up my car with what she needed I noticed from the corner of my eye, a black car moving slowly and suspiciously around the corner toward me. As I stood out on the front lawn, in plain site I would see the driver move more hesitantly as he realized that the car in the driveway ( which is the same colour and make as my daughter’s ) belonged to me. It was my son-in-law. When he realized it was me, he stopped, turned around and sped away.

It was 9:00 at night. In the last year of her marriage she was in bed at 9:00. Many a time I would call at 8:00, and he would tell me she was sleeping. It was her defense, to go bed before or soon after he came home. She would confess afterwards that she didn’t want to “deal with him”. “The Night Stalker” believed she would be in bed. He wanted to catch her vulnerable, he wanted control, he had a plan. A plan to coerce and intimidate her to sign everything over to him. A plan to make sure that she knew it was all her fault and he had tried.Tried so hard in their marriage. He knew he was the best husband she could have. He loved her so much, and it was all her fault. But his plan was foiled when it was me he saw standing on the front lawn. He now had to cover up what his obvious plan was. I can almost see his frantic brain asking “What to do?, What to do?” What did he do? He called the police. Ten minutes after he sped away he was to return to inform me the police were on their way. Why? He wanted to gather his belongings and for my daughter’s “safety” the police were coming. I told him the police was not necessary and if he needed his things, he was more than welcome to go in the house and get them. But he insisted the police had to be involved. It was his classic game playing. He was always playing games. He was always playing the victim. He had access to his house all along. Did he not know we knew it was his daily ritual to return to the house, when he believed my daughter was at work, and take what he needed and see what she was up to.

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Rage

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October 30, 2007

Today I was so angry. I could not stop thinking of what he has done to me. I know he had an affair with his other partner. I know it in my heart. I knew it then. He did things at our first house. I just know it. I hope he dies. I want some justice, anything. I wish someone would tell me that they broke up. I want to laugh again. He never loved me.

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Grieving – (Part Two)

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ANXIETY AND LOSS OF CONTROL

You are probably accustomed to judging your safety by predicting your partner’s mood and picking up the signals from him, so you could anticipate and react. when you leave, the absence of your partner may feel frightening. You may feel you have lost control. Your feelings of safety are gone when you lose your signals. The feeling of loss and control are normal in transition. You are moving the center of control from your partner to yourself. i can be frightening as it is feeling and it just takes time.

YOUR IDENTITY

You may have identified yourself with your relationship, Your role as wife or mother may be the way you see yourself, and how you are known in the community. When you leave the relationship you will experience a real sense of loss of you and your self-identity. this process of moving from a role, a job of wife and mother, and private status of victim, to a single, competent person is painful and not always as fast as you might want to be. It involves getting to know yourself in a new way. Now you can become your own boss and your own person. Being on your own is a wonderful thing as well as a scary one. It may be the first time you have had the freedom to experience this responsibility. It sometimes takes many trials to discover when you are sad and what you want in life. this is normal. It is OK to learn from your mistakes and learn from what you do well.

DISORIENTATION

Changed memory can create a feeling of disorientation, disbelief in yourself, and betrayal from your partner. You are not crazy if you see your past, yourself and your partner differently. You may remember only the good times with your partner or only the bad times. It’s normal to look at yourself, your partner, and the world in a new way. Your situation is different now and so you will ahve a different perspective.

LONELINESS

Your friends may change over time. Your situation may now be different than theirs.Your interests and concerns may become different They may feel threatened by your new position. the shakier their marriages are, the quicker they will leave you. They may take sides with your partner. It may hurt you a great deal if your former in-laws reject you. Family blood is often thicker than you want to believe. It may take awhile to trust, or to have energy for anyone else. this is normal and self protective. You may want to isolate yourself, but friendships are very important. Friends are very important at this time.Don’t sit around waiting to be asked out – reach out- even though it may seem less painful to isolate yourself, in the long run, it is not.

NEW RELATIONSHIPS

New relationships may trigger memories of your old relationship. It takes hard work, a great deal of commitment and communication to be in a relationship. A second relationship has different problems from the first. Be sure you feel strong enough to live independently before you make the choice dependently again. This way, when you have a choice you will not be as likely to amke the same mistakes. You will be better able to stand up for your rights.

It is important to remember that life is up and down. You will have good days, when you are feeling strong and capable, and bad days, when you are feeling depressed and vulnerable. Know that feeling bad will not last forever and there are things you can do to help yourself through the down times.

Many women find that the first anniversary of leaving is particularly painful. It is important for you to be aware of that and plan for it. You may arrange to spend that time with close friends. You may also get in touch with the staff of the shelter in your community to get reinforcement and support.

Author Unknown

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Grieving – Part One

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Leaving An Abusive Relationship:

Separation is not easy. Knowing what to do and what to expect does not stop you from having feelings. You will probably feel your emotions more strongly than ever. you may feel betrayal, grief, anger, joy and freedom, weakness and strength, often at the same time. You may feel that you are going crazy because of all the emotions you have , which sometimes are overwhelming, contradictory, and unexpected. You are not crazt. this is a normal process. Remember that your emotions are just part of you, a changing part, and they are not “you”, the whole person. Let yourself feel your emotions fully. Do not judge yourself for having them. You will pass through each one in time.

GRIEF

Grief is a large part of the process of letting go of a relationship. When you feel grief, let yourself cry. You may feel like you will never stop. You are facing a death, the death of your relationship. you will stop crying when the mourning is over. You may not understand why you are so sad, especially if you were badly abused. there were probably some good things that you will miss. This is the reality.Remember you did have to pay a price for more good things – a very high price.

EUPHORIA

You may experience a great euphoria when you leave the relationship. This may last for weeks or months. This is usually felt if you have made a clear decision. This euphoria can help give you energy to get yourself on your feet again. Don’t be surprised, if a month or a year later, you feel grief or anger or depression. This is normal and part of the process of change or separation. You will have to work through all the stages at some time. the timing may vary with each individual and the process is usually finished in three years if you have let yourself feel fully at each stage.

ANGER

You may feel more anger after separating than you have ever felt before. You may suddenly feel all the anger that is stockpiled and denied during your relationship, along with the built up frustration at not getting your needs met, and the powerlessness of your position. It is safe to feel angry now. Accept that your anger is normal. Anger can give you power and motivation. Use it to your advantage. The goal of letting yourself feel anger is to express it constructively so that you become free of it. Do not use it for revenge. Acting in revenge may destroy your self-respect in the long run. Fantasize about revenge instead (this is normal so be easy on yourself)

GRIEVING SYMPTOMS

While you are going through the separation, it is normal for you to experience both physical and emotional stress reactions. Physical symptoms you may experience include; sleep disturbances; diarrhea or constipation; nausea; changes in heart rate; menstrual changes; weight gain or loss. Psychological symptoms may include; sadness; hopelessness or feeling of futility; edginess; poor memory. Good physical health will help you cope.

FEELING OF FAILURE

You may feel that admitting “failure” in your relationship confirms that you are inadequate.This is not true. You have probably done all you could to make it work and it is not your fault that your efforts failed. Relationships take two people working together to make it a success. also remember that your decision to leave was a painful and difficult one. recognize your success in making that decision.

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I Am Scared

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October 28, 2007

Today, was a very sad day. I started my day in church. That was OK. I still find it a bit overwhelming because it s different and I am not used to it. Although I say to myself that my Evangelical friends were the best compared to the so called Catholics. I will see how it goes. Maybe I will try something different like the United Church. I do not know. I am going to give it some time. It would be nice to meet people my age. I then went for lunch with the couple I met at the church. They are die-hard Born Again Christians. They are missionaries. It was bit uncomfortable. I though the husband was a bit eccentric. He then went to the car and brought me a Bible. They are trying to convert me, but I am still only testing the waters. then I thought if my Ex saw me now he would laugh at me. Like I said it would be nice to meet people my own age.

This is a different life. I feel lost. I don’t know who I am. I was depressed and decided to go to Leons. I bought a mattress, TV, and stand all for $2000.00. The staff person kept saying ” You must be so excited!” I am sick of hearing that. No I am not excited! I am scared! I was forced into this situation. I am still mad, angry, sad, and depressed. How could he do this to me? I hate him so much. I am so mad! I want to kill him. I want to go get a gun and shoot him in cold blood. I want to kill her as well. But I won’t. I do not want to spend the rest of my life in jail. But I now understand why woman who are so emotionally abused by their husbands’  kill them.

My head hurts so much. I wish the pain would go away. I want justice. Something??

Another day is almost over.

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Bad Place

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October 27, 2007

Today I started off my day very sad. On our way to the Lake, we drove by the area we once lived. I could not breathe and I felt my chest get tighter. I had enough at that point and wanted to go home. We then stopped at the gas station. I hated it. He made me go there for the points.At this point I was in tears. I never drive down there. I just don’t. When we were at the Lake I felt so sad. I kept thinking about him, about them. I started to get very frustrated. Then I remembered the time we came to the Lake, all he did was sleep, because he didn’t want to be there. He did not want to go anywhere with my family. Sometimes I miss him and I don’t know why. Sometimes I think it is better having my old life back then it is being alone. I hate it. I am used to being with someone for 7 years, and now I have been separated for 5 months. I get so angry. he hurt me so bad. Pain I could never imagine. I did not make him happy, nothing, I did not make him happy. I guess I wanted to “spend, spend!”I did not pay him for the treadmill, fireplace, bed, computer and desk. But I bought the drapes, the couches, the table, towels, household articles. I never saw a dime of our wedding money.He gave me such a hard time about money. He made me take out that loan for $10,000 for the wedding that my parents paid for and then stole my mutual funds. I saved some money and used it for lipo. To this day I don’t know why I did that. I was in such a bad place at that time. I think when you are in such an awful marriage you do things that you would never do. He used to talk to me about money everyday, the days that he was home.

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Replaced

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October 25, 2007

Today started alright. I went to play baseball with girls from work . It was so overwhelming. I had all these memories. My entire summer used to be at a baseball diamond. Why would I think this would not affect me? I then felt myself getting very angry and then felt just replaced. It still cuts at the core, and it has been 5 months now. Maybe it is because I still live in this area with my parents. But when I live by myself, will that affect me? I don’t know. I still have my cats.

I started to cry at the baseball diamond. I don’t know if it is such a good idea. I felt so lonely today. It was like I was waiting for him to appear and he never did. Then I started to think about them together, and I got so angry, even though i don’t want him. It does not make any sense. So all my marriage was worth was $20,000 . That is what I settled for to get out and try to get on with my life. Essentially that $20,000 covered only the loans he made me take out for the wedding after the fact (even though my parents payed for the wedding) and other money he kept telling me I owed him. Even with the settlement he still has left me in a financial mess.

I wish someone would tell me that he is doing horrible. That they are doing horrible. I want him, them, to feel as much pain as I have to everyday. They should not get away with it. He got away with everything.

Another day and another day and another day. Where is happiness? I just go on and on. That’s it!

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