Relief

I am relieved. My profound anger toward him is now subsiding and becoming total relief. Relief that my daughter is no longer with him. Relief that she is no longer sick. Relief that she still is alive. But I am still having so much difficulty wrapping my head around it all. I too have learned so much. Too much. He has no idea what we know. I have a feeling it is only the tip of the iceberg.

I am relieved. Life will be better for her now. I am relieved. Life will be better for her now. That is fact. But when I see my daughter’s pain and anguish day in and day out I find that I must remind myself of that fact. Life will get better for her now. My husband puts it another way. “She got rid of a 200 lb. piece of shit!” Now she must continue to pick up the pieces.

I have been in deep reflection mode. The “Leave it to Beaver” family life I tried to create has failed miserably. Realistically, how could I have expected the outcome to be any different. We are not Ward and June Cleaver. But the very flawed wannabes. Yes, I was a “wannabe”. A very naive, idealistic June Cleaver wannabe. I wanted the 2 perfect children, the beautiful home, the adoring husband. I wished for the only challenge in my life to be serving the perfect pot roast in my newly starched apron as my loving family awaited….. Fast forward 35 years. If the past several months has done anything it has made me take a honest look as to how she got here.

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Abuse Part 2

I Survived….

Abuse Part 1

I Survived Domestic Abuse

I Got Flowers Today

I GOT FLOWERS TODAY

Dedicated to all battered women.
by Paulette Kelly
• • •
I got flowers today!
It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day;
We had our first argument last night; And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.
• • •
I got flowers today!
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day;
Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
It seemed like a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares to find they aren’t real.
• • •
I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Valentine’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Make-up and long-sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know-but I know he’s sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.
• • •
I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me again, and it was much worse than all of the other times;
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.
• • •
I got flowers today…Today was a very special day—it was the day of my funeral;
Last night he finally killed me—I was beaten to death;
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
The women’s shelter could have helped me, but I didn’t ask for their help;
So I got flowers today…for the last time.
• • •

Copyright 1992 c by Paulette Kelly

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Learning To Spot the Controller / Abuser

Unfortunately, many woman fall into the hands of a controller because they ignore, or aren’t able to recognize the characteristics of men who abuse. These men often fool women into believing they are involved with a man who is loving, caring, and affectionate. Instead they turn out to be dominating, uncaring and lacking the confidence to be emotionally intimate. Often these men have little or no self-esteem.

1. Does he speak with disrespect or anger about woman who have been part of his life? for example his mother, sister, ex-wife? Does he have little respect for women? This may not be evident in early dating, but will come out later in the relationship.
2. Does he have a temper? does he get visibly angry or hostile? What happens when things don’t go right? can he handle irritation in traffic? when you are late?
3. Has he ever hit you, treated you roughly or threatened to hurt you in any way?
4. Does he constantly find fault in you? Is he someone who is proud of his high standards (especially for others) and his desire for excellence? What he is really saying is that he has high standards for everyone else. And if everyone doesn’t meet his high standards, they will be made to regret it.
5. Does he control or disapprove of how you spend your money. A key weapon is money. Stingy and misery at best, he sees no problem with spending money on himself.
6. Does he try to take advantage of you sexually, or make sexual demands on you? Does talking about emotional intimacy make him nervous or impatient? Does he understand the difference between affection and having sex? After a fight, does he insist on making up sexually?
7. Does drinking alcohol, even a modest amount, make him a different person? (Jekyll & Hyde)
8. Does he make excuses for his drinking? Does he seen to need to drink often? does he need to have a drink everyday?
9. Does he use or enjoy humour that puts down or degrades others in subtle or not-so-subtle ways? Does he try to poke fun at others? What kind of compiments does he give?
10. Does he lack the ability to laugh at himself?

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It’s Your Turn

September 24, 2007

To His Girlfriend:

If you think you are different, you are wrong. He will use and abuse you and when he is finished with you he will discard you. It could be in several months or several years. He will also cheat on you, like he did me. If you think you were the only mistress you are wrong. He also admitted to be addicted to sex, so he got it elsewhere. I would like to be a fly on the wall, when you figure it out. If you think your ex-husband mistreated you, things didn’t work out, you weren’t happy, soon you won’t remember happy because you have just met the devil. You do deserve what is coming to you. Let me ask you, does he talk about money a lot? Think he is a business man? Does he give you advice and provide direction? Is he always right? Does he talk about revenge? Is he easily distracted when he talks to you while biting his fingers? Does he seem sociable around his friends when he is drinking but when you are alone, is he quiet. Does he constantly want your attention and calls you several times a day or just shows up where you are? Does he want sex all the time, and thinks it is your duty to oblige. Does he want to party and drink all the time? Does he like to do almost everything you like to do and has you believing you have so much in common? Has he asked you to save all your receipts to show him?, because you spending money is a big production. Welcome to my old life, it is now yours. I know your future, before you even do. Oh by the way, does he want to make a porn movie? Does he want to take nude pictures of you and post them on the web because “we” can make lots of money. Has he started stealing money from you? Has he asked you to take out a leverage account and constantly meet with his financial planners, to help you, because he loves you. He is not doing this because he loves you, he is merely using you to help him, he likes to control you. By the time you are reading this, it is probably too late for you. Since you are now leading my life, you will go through the same pain and hardship that I am going through. He will be telling everyone it is your fault and blame you for everything. He will also tell lies about you, like he did me. You were a fool to believe what he told you about me, since there was very little truth in anything that he said. When you are reading this, and one day you will, I would have moved on and probably re-married, had kids, and became a doctor. You made a huge mistake, one that you will regret for the rest of your life. My anger toward you is not because I want him back, I guess because you made it easier for him to move forward. I wanted him to suffer, the way that I have suffered. I would not go back to him, if you paid me a million dollars. You can have my old life. It was a life of pain, hardship, deceit, betrayal, and emptiness. That was my marriage, so you can have it all. The house was a prison, and I spent many nights starring out the window, wishing that it was over. He was never home, only when he wanted sex, and never helped around the house, except to take out the garbage. The house was also in the middle of nowhere, He never made an effort to meet anyone, and never knew the neighbors. Maybe, he does now, I don’t know. My life in Mount Cope was going to counseling sessions, running, playing with the cats, watching tv, and having sex on Saturdays. He would come home when he wanted something, and that was about it. There was no intimacy. I was screaming inside. It was perfect for him, he dumped me there, led a double life (spent time with you and others), and came home when he wanted more sex or when he wanted to talk to me about money. He will do the same with you. You are no different. One day when you are reading this, I do not wish you well and when you have found out that he has a new girlfriend and when you are in a financial mess, I just wanted to remind you, that you are now me.

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Next Please

September 23, 2007

Every day I wake up I do not know how I am going to feel. Sometimes, I am very angry, sad, relieved, strong, weak, or joyful. It is an awful way to live. I know that this is a normal process to healing and I would rather go through this now then have it affect me the rest of my life. I also think that I would rather be feeling something then nothing at all. My ex-husband does not feel pain, empathy, compassion or love. He is heartless. Others who do not know him well, might not see that at first, but if they get close enough they will eventually in time. People that are generally close to him, eventually figure it out. He does leave a path of destruction. Ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, ex-business partners, ex-co-workers, and ex-friends have figured “him” out and are the most reliable source. The girlfriend he has now, is his next victim. Someone who pursues a relationship with a married man, is insecure, naive, vulnerable, and stupid. She have everything he needs to manipulate and eventually control her.

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Anger

September 21, 2007

It has been almost 4 months since I have separated and I am so pissed off. The pain, confusion, and hardship that I have endured over the last 4 months is unspeakable. I did not deserve any of it. All of his lies and schemes are inconceivable, that someone with intent would hurt someone that was so close to him, HIS OWN WIFE!!! Although, he was abusive over the last 7 years, it is still hard to believe all the lies that I found out about. How can a decent human being do that to someone else? I guess, I will never understand. I literally, had to change my life and way of thinking overnight. I guess near the end I was still hanging on to the dream, and I literally saw it dissolve before my eyes. Over the last 4 months, the hardships that I had to endure include:

The first week after the trial separation

1. I found out that he stole money, had assets, a business, pornography sites, GPS tracking, spy cameras, revenge sites, extradition sites, had an affair in October (separated in june), stole my identity, schemed, lied! lied and lied. I met with his financial advisor 1 week before separation to reduce my debt and take out a 54,000 leverage account? Why did he want me to take out a $54,000 leverage account?. He also was fixated on taking pictures of my breasts and and wanting to make money from them and making a porno film. He did this the last week, and it has since been I the separation clause
2. Treated me like garbage and admitted it, because I did not follow the plan. Told me a week prior that he, “loved me more than I would ever know” Told me that everything was my fault, meanwhile he was with his girlfriend
3. During the trial separation, he spent the time with his girlfriend and planned to meet me on Saturday, when I was most vulnerable to have me sign for things. He told me he was at a friends house watching movies
4. I found myself at women’s shelters to get more information about a safety plan, after finding the internet sites he frequented. The week before the trial separation we were playing Deal or No Deal and having sex. I have never thought that I would be accessing a women’s shelter in my lifetime.
5. He started taking things from the house. He took my modem, so I could not use the phone, and left me notes on my door
6. I decided to leave the house and stay with my parents. I found myself at counseling and support groups. Three weeks before that I was in my house watching TV.
7. He came by to get his clothes, the police had escorted him. We were sleeping together 3 weeks prior. My husband became my enemy overnight
8. He took things from the home. Each time I come home, there was something gone
9. The dream evaporates before your eyes

The last 3 months

1. I own 3 houses, yet I have no where to go. He is renting or living in the MC residence. I not to sure if his girlfriend is in “my house” that I decorated
2. I cannot concentrate at work, like I used to.
3. I have been house sitting and trying to live day by day
4. I found out that she is the exact opposite than me and has no remorse, ethics or conscious. She is white trash, she swears, smokes, drinks and parties excessively, and is sexually promiscuous. I am the exact opposite. I do not party, smoke, and drink. In fact I volunteer at a nursing home and am trying to start up a support center to make a difference in people’s lives. I used to feel sorry for her, but know I don’t. They came out of the closet a month after separation, and it did not bother her. She looks needy, desperate, and someone with no integrity. The worst part is that she was married before, she should know better. If one day you are reading this, which I will one day give you the URL to this blog, when he hurts you, I just wanted to let you know that you deserve everything you get, and you were a fool to believe every word he said about our marriage and me.
5. He literally turned my life upside down
6. I found out that the marriage was a sham and that he is incapable of love. In fact all he did was have a plan (refer to flashbacks). He uses people, like he is using his paramedic friends to invest. What is in it for him? Commission? This includes his girlfriend.
7. My Ex ruins the lives of the people who know him best.
8. The list goes on and on

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Adjustments

September 20, 2007.

Today I decided to go to group after work. I was contemplating going because I was feeling alright and did not want to be triggered. I talked to Peggy and she seemed sad. She said she missed me last Wednesday. I asked her if she was going to camp. She said she was thinking of it.I went to my boss’s yesterday for dinner and to get a tour of the house. I felt comfortable talking to her but at the same time it was different. I did not think that I would be house sitting. I had a house less than four months ago, although it was a prison. Her house is a home, full of love and warmth. It is going to be an adjustment. It is going to be very quiet and I have to start cooking once again. But it might be good to be on my own. I guess I won’t know until I try. I am tired. I was thinking about my friend who just got married. It must be nice to be in love.

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Was He An Abuser?

Was he an abuser?

The following checklist identifies attitudes or behaviors of abusers. The more items that are answered yes to, the more abuse potential there is. My daughter was asked to complete this inventory by several professionals. Here are my son-in-laws results:

1. Become extremely critical or cynical? Yes
2. Behave unpredictably, inconsistently, or impulsively? Yes
3. Consistently require perfection from others? Yes
4. Constantly blame others? Yes
5. Express few emotions other than anger/frustration? Yes
6. Habitually lie or cheat? Yes
7. Use force (physical or emotional in sex or your relationship? Yes
8. Have a history of violence or abuse?
9. Have a self-centered personality? Yes
10. Have an explosive temper?
11. Exhibit cruelty to animals? Yes
12. Have low self-esteem, self-worth, or self-identity? Yes
13. Have the answer for everything? Yes
14. Hold rigid beliefs, opinions, and ideas? Yes
15. Lack the ability to be intimate? Yes
16. Lack the ability to nurture or feel empathy for other people? Yes
17. Refuse to accept responsibility for actions? Yes
18. Show excessive jealously and obsession? Yes
19. Socially isolate himself?
20. Use controlling or possessive behaviour? Yes
21. Rely on and use weapons?
22. Use threats to win arguments?

So I ask again. Is he an abuser? The consensus is YES.

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Ask Yourself

DOES YOUR PARTNER:

• Put you down or criticize the way you dress, talk, eat, etc…?
• Make fun of you in front of your family or friends?
• Call you names, embarrass or tease you in a hurtful way?
• Pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do?
• Get jealous when you’re around other people of the opposite gender?
• Ignore you or play mean tricks on you?
• Take or destroy your personal possessions?
• Put sh, bite, scratch or hit you in anger?
• Quote bible verses to justify controlling behavior?
• Act kindly and positively to people at work,church, etc, but aggressively and disrespectfully to you?

DO YOU HAVE TO:

• Ask permission to spend time with friends or participate in activities not including your partner?
• Always try to please your partner or fix situations to suit their desires?
• Accept the blame when things go wrong in relationships or in your home?
• Do what your partner wants without considering what you want / need?

DO YOU SEE A PATTERN OF BEHAVIOUR SUCH AS:

• Your partner is trying to run your life?
• You make excuses for and protect your partner in discussions with your friends?
• You’re afraid to express your own opinions or say no in fear of your partner’s reaction?
• You’re confused and worried that things are getting out of control?
• Afraid you or your children may be harmed?
• Afraid to tell anyone what is really happening at home?

ASK YOURSELF:

• Is it worth risking safety to keep the relationship together?
• Is this what a marriage/relationship is intended to be like?
• Is my partner doing anything to change? If not how will this relationship ever change?

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Actually Relieved

September 15, 2007

Today my friend got married. It was a wonderful day. I actually had fun. I never expected it in a million years. I was actually relieved that my ex was not there, because he would be so moody. I was hanging out with one of the groomsman and I think it was very therapeutic. He made me laugh and we had so much in common, although he is much younger than myself. He actually understood my language. He is also very cute, and a nice guy. He will make someone very happy one day. When I met him, several months ago, he made me laugh. He would not hurt anyone. I hope we could at least be friends. It was so refreshing to talk to someone.

It was interesting, Debbie came up to me and said that she did not like my ex husband. She talked about the golf umbrella that he used on the ghost tour that we all went on the past Hallowe’en.They would make comments to him about the size of the umbrella and how they couldn’t see, but he did not care. She also said that she hated the way he talked down to me. I did not realize that he still put me down in public. I guess I got used to it.

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His Shadow

September 14, 2007

Today was my friend’s wedding rehearsal. I did okay. I got through it. I have decided not talk about “them” anymore. It is not helping me. I can’t believe that my husband committed adultery and did not even care. He never loved me or respected me. I am constantly trying to do a reality check. He does not even know me. I was doomed at “I do”.

Before I was married he did not reveal his past. He did not communicate to me. I felt like I was talking to myself. I used to say I was his shadow. He never spoke to me (except finances and sex). He was always distracted.

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Breathe

September 13, 2007

Sometimes I cannot breathe. On the outside to some I appear to be okay, but on the inside I am still hurting. I still do not enjoy my day. Sometimes I might be content for an hour, but that is all. My brain is still processing everything. It is too much! How can my own husband lie to me and hurt me so bad. He has clearly moved on to the next target. Is he planning on marrying her? I guess if it benefits him. What does he have planned for her? He is such a bastard. He discarded me so quickly and it has not been 3 months. He has no care or compassion for anyone. The people at the abuse centres are right. My husband never loved me. I was an object to him. It is so hard to swallow. My life overnight has been turned upside down. Although I do not cry as much anymore, I think I am just burying it.I have such difficulty leaving the house. My heart races and I can’t breathe. I am so scared I am going to see them.That would kill me. I don’t want him back in a million years. I guess it is because he hurt me so much.

My day now consists of waking up, driving and having anxiety attacks, flashbacks, strong emotions, tired all the time, feeling hurt every minute of the day, numbness, confusion, hatred and lost. When I am sleeping I have nightmares and tremours. What fun!!I have to keep reminding myself that he is gone and it is over. He cannot hurt me anymore. I do not have to deal with him face to face anymore. It is over! But I still see bars on the windows in Mount Cope. I remember staring outside, lost and confused. What a nightmare.

He can’t hurt me! He can’t hurt me!

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Wondering

September 07, 2007

I often wonder what will my life be like in 2 years. Will I still be working in the same place? Will I be dating, married, have a child? I do not know. Today I am feeling depressed. My friend from work suggested that I meet with Will, because I have a lot in common with him. I met him at the restaurant and remember getting so angry. He was extremely nerdy and mentioned that he knew firemen in Mount Cope. That was it. I lost it. It was funny though we had a lot in common, although I did not share that with him. Theater, wine and cheese, jet skiing. He drove me nuts and I felt so uncomfortable. I am not going to do that again. I will not go on blind dates. In fact I am just going to do my own thing. That is it! Maybe I will be single for the rest of my life. I do not trust anyone!! I am still so hurt with what happened to me, I don’t know if I can ever date again.

I am still so angry. I think that if I had not asked him to leave, I would still be married. What is the difference? He was sleeping around while we were married. I am sure of that. So this would have been just another person. I married the devil. It was a horrible relationship, and it ended so badly. I guess it could have been worse. I could have killed him, or he could have killed me. I was not following the plan. I had my own thoughts and ideas. I did not want to keep on taking out loans and talk about money all the time. ” I was difficult”.

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Let’s Pretend

September 6, 2007

Yesterday I started my P.h.D.. I think I will like it. It is very stimulating, but very fast paced. It is also a distraction. My life is very different now in so many ways. I spend most of my time at work and at counselling sessions. I do not know if other people could have survived what I have been through the last 3 months. It is like taking seven years of your life and pretending it did not exist.The less I hear about him the better.I will heal faster. The less I hear about him the more I can move on. One day he will be a distant memory. I do not miss him. I am jealous though that he has moved on so quickly and I am so angry. It is like I never existed. I never really did. I was his shadow. It was like I was invisible. What is the difference when I was with him. Nothing really. He is poison. He is actually a narcissistic psychopath.

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