Relief

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I am relieved. My profound anger toward him is now subsiding and becoming total relief. Relief that my daughter is no longer with him. Relief that she is no longer sick. Relief that she still is alive. But I am still having so much difficulty wrapping my head around it all. I too have learned so much. Too much. He has no idea what we know. I have a feeling it is only the tip of the iceberg.

I am relieved. Life will be better for her now. I am relieved. Life will be better for her now. That is fact. But when I see my daughter’s pain and anguish day in and day out I find that I must remind myself of that fact. Life will get better for her now. My husband puts it another way. “She got rid of a 200 lb. piece of shit!” Now she must continue to pick up the pieces.

I have been in deep reflection mode. The “Leave it to Beaver” family life I tried to create has failed miserably. Realistically, how could I have expected the outcome to be any different. We are not Ward and June Cleaver. But the very flawed wannabes. Yes, I was a “wannabe”. A very naive, idealistic June Cleaver wannabe. I wanted the 2 perfect children, the beautiful home, the adoring husband. I wished for the only challenge in my life to be serving the perfect pot roast in my newly starched apron as my loving family awaited….. Fast forward 35 years. If the past several months has done anything it has made me take a honest look as to how she got here.

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Abuse Part 2

I Survived….

Abuse Part 1

I Survived Domestic Abuse

I Got Flowers Today

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I GOT FLOWERS TODAY

Dedicated to all battered women.
by Paulette Kelly
• • •
I got flowers today!
It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day;
We had our first argument last night; And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.
• • •
I got flowers today!
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day;
Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
It seemed like a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares to find they aren’t real.
• • •
I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Valentine’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Make-up and long-sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know-but I know he’s sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.
• • •
I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me again, and it was much worse than all of the other times;
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.
• • •
I got flowers today…Today was a very special day—it was the day of my funeral;
Last night he finally killed me—I was beaten to death;
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
The women’s shelter could have helped me, but I didn’t ask for their help;
So I got flowers today…for the last time.
• • •

Copyright 1992 c by Paulette Kelly

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Learning To Spot the Controller / Abuser

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Unfortunately, many woman fall into the hands of a controller because they ignore, or aren’t able to recognize the characteristics of men who abuse. These men often fool women into believing they are involved with a man who is loving, caring, and affectionate. Instead they turn out to be dominating, uncaring and lacking the confidence to be emotionally intimate. Often these men have little or no self-esteem.

  1. Does he speak with disrespect or anger about woman who have been part of his life? for example his mother, sister, ex-wife? Does he have little respect for women? This may not be evident in early dating, but will come out later in the relationship.
  2. Does he have a temper? does he get visibly angry or hostile? What happens when things don’t go right? can he handle irritation in traffic? when you are late?
  3. Has he ever hit you, treated you roughly or threatened to hurt you in any way?
  4. Does he constantly find fault in you? Is he someone who is proud of his high standards (especially for others) and his desire for excellence? What he is really saying is that he has high standards for everyone else. And if everyone doesn’t meet his high standards, they will be made to regret it.
  5. Does he control or disapprove of how you spend your money. A key weapon is money. Stingy and misery at best, he sees no problem with spending money on himself.
  6. Does he try to take advantage of you sexually, or make sexual demands on you? Does talking about emotional intimacy make him nervous or impatient? Does he understand the difference between affection and having sex? After a fight, does he insist on making up sexually?
  7. Does drinking alcohol, even a modest amount, make him a different person? (Jekyll & Hyde)
  8. Does he make excuses for his drinking? Does he seen to need to drink often? does he need to have a drink everyday?
  9. Does he use or enjoy humour that puts down or degrades others in subtle or not-so-subtle ways? Does he try to poke fun at others? What kind of compiments does he give?
  10. Does he lack the ability to laugh at himself?

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It’s Your Turn

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September 24, 2007

To His Girlfriend:

If you think you are different, you are wrong. He will use and abuse you and when he is finished with you he will discard you. It could be in several months or several years. He will also cheat on you, like he did me. If you think you were the only mistress you are wrong. He also admitted to be addicted to sex, so he got it elsewhere. I would like to be a fly on the wall, when you figure it out. If you think your ex-husband mistreated you, things didn’t work out, you weren’t happy, soon you won’t remember happy because you have just met the devil. You do deserve what is coming to you. Let me ask you, does he talk about money a lot? Think he is a business man? Does he give you advice and provide direction? Is he always right? Does he talk about revenge? Is he easily distracted when he talks to you while biting his fingers? Does he seem sociable around his friends when he is drinking but when you are alone, is he quiet. Does he constantly want your attention and calls you several times a day or just shows up where you are? Does he want sex all the time, and thinks it is your duty to oblige. Does he want to party and drink all the time? Does he like to do almost everything you like to do and has you believing you have so much in common? Has he asked you to save all your receipts to show him?, because you spending money is a big production. Welcome to my old life, it is now yours. I know your future, before you even do. Oh by the way, does he want to make a porn movie? Does he want to take nude pictures of you and post them on the web because “we” can make lots of money. Has he started stealing money from you? Has he asked you to take out a leverage account and constantly meet with his financial planners, to help you, because he loves you. He is not doing this because he loves you, he is merely using you to help him, he likes to control you. By the time you are reading this, it is probably too late for you. Since you are now leading my life, you will go through the same pain and hardship that I am going through. He will be telling everyone it is your fault and blame you for everything. He will also tell lies about you, like he did me. You were a fool to believe what he told you about me, since there was very little truth in anything that he said. When you are reading this, and one day you will, I would have moved on and probably re-married, had kids, and became a doctor. You made a huge mistake, one that you will regret for the rest of your life. My anger toward you is not because I want him back, I guess because you made it easier for him to move forward. I wanted him to suffer, the way that I have suffered. I would not go back to him, if you paid me a million dollars. You can have my old life. It was a life of pain, hardship, deceit, betrayal, and emptiness. That was my marriage, so you can have it all. The house was a prison, and I spent many nights starring out the window, wishing that it was over. He was never home, only when he wanted sex, and never helped around the house, except to take out the garbage. The house was also in the middle of nowhere, He never made an effort to meet anyone, and never knew the neighbors. Maybe, he does now, I don’t know. My life in Mount Cope was going to counseling sessions, running, playing with the cats, watching tv, and having sex on Saturdays. He would come home when he wanted something, and that was about it. There was no intimacy. I was screaming inside. It was perfect for him, he dumped me there, led a double life (spent time with you and others), and came home when he wanted more sex or when he wanted to talk to me about money. He will do the same with you. You are no different. One day when you are reading this, I do not wish you well and when you have found out that he has a new girlfriend and when you are in a financial mess, I just wanted to remind you, that you are now me.

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Next Please

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September 23, 2007

Every day I wake up I do not know how I am going to feel. Sometimes, I am very angry, sad, relieved, strong, weak, or joyful. It is an awful way to live. I know that this is a normal process to healing and I would rather go through this now then have it affect me the rest of my life. I also think that I would rather be feeling something then nothing at all. My ex-husband does not feel pain, empathy, compassion or love. He is heartless. Others who do not know him well, might not see that at first, but if they get close enough they will eventually in time. People that are generally close to him, eventually figure it out. He does leave a path of destruction. Ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, ex-business partners, ex-co-workers, and ex-friends have figured “him” out and are the most reliable source. The girlfriend he has now, is his next victim. Someone who pursues a relationship with a married man, is insecure, naive, vulnerable, and stupid. She have everything he needs to manipulate and eventually control her.

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