Realtionship Abuse

“You Have Failed!”

July 27, 2008

I came across this letter the other day that my ex wrote me a year after we were married. You see I was going to leave him because I could not take it anymore. My life was a nightmare. He was always giving me a hard time about everything. I did nothing right. But it was my education that was the biggest bone of contention with him. Though my Master’s was funded through a bursary and I was bringing in money through contract work it just wasn’t enough for him. That first year of my nightmare started when he took all our wedding money, and continued as he would discuss with all his friends and colleagues how he had to support me. How I thought I was “too good” to work at McDonald’s to help him out. That “his financial burden” was getting too much for him. How do I know? He would tell me. He was constantly trying to make me feel bad, especially about school. I was always so afraid to ask him for money, that I started to ask my parents to help with my car payments. When my thesis was delayed, I was literally afraid to go home. I would not be able to “contribute” in the manner he wanted me to now for several months. I knew that my life was about to get worse. And it did. I had to leave. But as you read this, as with everything, he was able to twist everything around and once again I was wrong and it was all my fault.

” Dear _____

I’m writing this letter to you with great and deep sorrow. I feel don’t know the women I married last year. The commitments that we made together seem to have no meaning. The one who promised to work at this relationship and discuss issues and opinions openly has failed me. I reach out to you with my hand and there’s no hand to hold. I want to speak to you and you turn me away. As a result I feel that I’ve been left alone, cold, lost, empty, dead. Since our marriage is a partnerships, one that needs to be nurtured and managed from day 1. there should not be any barriers or issues that both parties should be aware of. An open relationship will foster better trust, communication, planning and a healthy relationship. I’ve always wanted to provide you with everything that I could and the best of what life has to offer both now and in the future. I want to support you in every way I can. While I do realize that you are going through a difficult time in your life. I know that your a very capable person and feel that you have lot to offer life. I’ve always tried to support you through your endeavors.It saddens me that you don’t consider me to be your security blanket.

To date I feel that the one issue that is the biggest barrier to this relationship is money. the inability to openly discuss this issue has created an atmosphere of mistrust, deceit, two vastly different opinions and goals and two people working not together but alone to move forward in their lives. I feel that we need to break this barrier and set goals and objectives and work together rather than each alone with no “team direction”

I do love you with all my heart and I did take an oath to you on our wedding day. I do love you for better or worse, in sickness and health. I trust you and believe in you and all you abilities. If you can find it in your heart to trust me and be open you will find that I am loyal to you and want you to be successful. Please forgive me for causing you any pain or suffering you may feel. I want nothing to come between us and have no problem that can’t be solved.

Love Forever Your Husband

Teenage Abusive Relationships – Video

Shh! This Abuse Is Top Secret

My ex son-in-law inflicted his type of abuse in his own stealthy way. For the most part hidden from public view, only letting his true personality come out in private for his victim…. my daughter.

As we continue to learn , emotional abuse can be far more damaging to a person than once thought. It can cause years of pain as the victim continues to react to this abuse long after the abuser is gone. My ex son-in-law’s type of emotional abuse has left some very common reactions that my daughter now struggles with on a daily basis.

Common Markers:

• It makes the victims feel as though they are going crazy
• Victims have difficulty sleeping waking frequently with night terrors
• The victims no longer trust either their own intellects or their own instincts
• The victims are rendered emotionally disorganized and unable to trust their own feeling
• Victims are unable to determine how they are supposed to think and feel
• Victims loose the ability to trust their own thoughts and feelings, leading them to simply give up and disconnect themselves
• Most victims suffer a fracturing of their psyche leading to severe depression

Exposing Teen Dating Abuse

Causing Pain: Real Stories Of Dating Abuse And Violence

The Monster Rears His Ugly Head! Again

July 04, 2008

The Monster has reared its ugly head once again. Or should I say “Monsters’? One being the “Bald Headed Monster” that was once my son-in-law, the other Monster in my daughter’s life now is depression. Unfortunately one seems to feed the other.

It was only a couple of weeks ago that she was doing so well. So much like her old self. Happy, rationale, looking forward to the future. Then out of nowhere, (and might I add, 100km out of his way), he drives right by her in front of her condo in his girlfriends jeep. What was he doing there? Checking up on her. Gathering information about her for his “file” that I know he has. You see, he needs that control. To him it is always about control and head games. He is a master of “head games.”

Starting Over Is Hard

July 04, 2008

I get so angry some days. How is it fair that he moves on and adopts a new family and maintains his current lifestyle and friends, whereas I have to start over. I moved to a new location, had to meet new people and had to learn how to date all over again. He has to do none of the above. I think starting over is hard. I have done a lot in a year and learned a lot about myself, but I get so angry sometimes because I did not plan for my life to turn out this way. I thought that I would be married and by now and have a family of my own. I did not think that I would be single again in my thirties. I see everyone else around me with children of their own and loving husbands. What did I do to deserve this? I followed the traditional path. I fell in love and got married and the next logical step would have been to have children. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that I did not have children with him, I am just terrified that I will be single all of my life. I have been on 12 dates and none of them matched my criteria. I know now what I am looking for and decided not to settle and follow my gut instinct for the first time. I am trying to change my behaviour, because “if I keep doing what I have always done I will always get what I always got.” I would rather be single then be in another abusive relationship. I now find dating very time consuming and sometimes frustrating. Why can’t it be like the movies, you meet “Prince Charming” right away and you live happily ever after, although that would be nice, its not reality? Recently, my ex-boyfriend of three months wrote me a letter telling me how much he loved me and wanted me back. Can you see the red flags? It is impossible to fall in love after 3 months; it is merely infatuation or romantic love. I did not respond to his letter. This is a new journey, one that I do not care to travel at this point in my life. Maybe if I was younger. Oh well, I hope that he will have to take this journey in the future and know what it feels like. For me, I just take each day as it comes

Self Righteous?

July 02, 2008

My ex-husband smokes pot and drinks a lot, and I am told, so does his girlfriend. He once told me that I am too righteous because I don’t drink or do drugs, and attend church. I struggled with this notion for a long time. I used to think something was wrong with me because I don’t like to party. That’s what he wanted me to believe. I am in my early thirties and I used to party when I was younger but I think it is very superficial and would rather be doing something else. I am very different than he is. In fact, I once thought that we liked the same things and had a lot in common. I was very wrong. I do not know who he is. It is funny that you can be with someone for several years and not even know them.

I guess I am a simple person, I like running, biking, community events and going to church. I also like to be around people, who are like me. In fact, I did not realize this before, but none of my friends smoke, drink, or use drugs. Is there something wrong with all of us? I think, when you are with someone for so long, that is all you know and believe that is how you are supposed to be.

My Obsession

June 29. 2008

Well it has been 1 year since my separation. I still have mixed feelings and some good and bad days. Sometimes, I think about my past, other days I live in the moment. This long weekend has been a bit challenging. I was married on September 28, 2003, and I find myself thinking more about the past, and my relationship. I think it is easier when you go from one relationship to the next. Your energy focuses on someone else, rather than obsessing about the past. However, it becomes more of a challenge if the new relationship dissolves and you have not dealt with the previous one. It is more of a bandaid solution. I think people who choose to date “prematurely” and who use recreational drugs and alcohol to deal with the pain are “weaker” than those who choose to deal with the pain in a healthy way. Everyday, I am reminded of my past and choose not to get into another bad relationship and not to use drugs to “feel better.”