It has been 3 months that I have been separated and have identified my past relationship as abusive. Today was my last day at the matrimonial home and I find myself sad, angry, and relieved at the same time. I am saying goodbye to my past life, and reclaiming my own life. This in itself is very frightening. I am familiar with being a “wife”, daughter-in law, and sister-in-law. Now, I am none of these things. I find myself in unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory. During these past 3 months, I have met many single people and have developed friendships with single people. Even though I am single, I feel like I am out of my element. My past life was such that I had few friends and never went out, except to watch his baseball games and hang out this his friends. My own life was taken away from me, more and more each year. I remember, before I met my ex-husband I was very talkative, had many friends, and socialized. Now, I am a lot more conservative and quiet. I am trying to recapture the life that I once had. Over, the last 3 months I have gone to Toronto several times to see some friends. I find myself going to bars with single people and I notice that I look different and act different than everyone else. My clothes are conservative and I am not searching for a man. I have seen a lot of single people in their thirties and they are dressed so provocatively, and it scares me. I do not want to give off that image, that I am available, and attract the wrong man. I find myself so confused. I used to dress provocatively when I was in my 20s, but I am passed the bar and club scene. Maybe I am old fashion, but I would eventually like to meet someone not from a bar or club, and develop a friendship first. Sometimes, I think about my ex-husband and his girlfriend, whom he had an affair with, and I think it is so unfair. He does not have to be single, and “swim in unfamiliar waters.” Even though, I do not want him, sometimes I still get so angry, even though I try not to. Why do I have to be single? Why do I have to spend 5 hours cleaning the matrimonial house?”, and why do I have to pick up the pieces, while he is enjoying his new life? It still makes me very angry. I keep thinking that life has a way of working itself out, and that everything happens for a reason.
I went for a massage tonight, and realized something about myself that I find concerning. A male RMT was booked to do my massage, and I flat out declined. The thought of a man touching me terrified me and made me feel very uncomfortable. Similar, to the single scene, when a man approaches me I feel very uncomfortable and do not give him the time of day. I realized tonight, that I have been deeply affected by the abuse. I hope that I can trust one day and remove my barriers, but I also realize that it is going to take someone special and a long time. I noticed that when a man talks to me, I would begin to shake. Maybe that is why I am so uncomfortable at bars, and I am not ready to let my guard down. It is funny though, the men that I did talk to yesterday at a bar said some things that were interesting. One drunk chap, gave me a high five, and accidentally touched my face, and said, “You deserve better”. The behavior did not make sense to what he was saying, but it made sense to me. Another man said, “you have to be happy and live your life”.
I start my PhD tomorrow, and am hoping that my life will change from doing this and be more meaningful. I have to really focus on completed this degree, so that it will open up so many different opportunities in the future. Life is interesting, “it can change direction without a moments notice”.
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