Grieving – (Part Two)

ANXIETY AND LOSS OF CONTROL

You are probably accustomed to judging your safety by predicting your partner’s mood and picking up the signals from him, so you could anticipate and react. when you leave, the absence of your partner may feel frightening. You may feel you have lost control. Your feelings of safety are gone when you lose your signals. The feeling of loss and control are normal in transition. You are moving the center of control from your partner to yourself. i can be frightening as it is feeling and it just takes time.

YOUR IDENTITY

You may have identified yourself with your relationship, Your role as wife or mother may be the way you see yourself, and how you are known in the community. When you leave the relationship you will experience a real sense of loss of you and your self-identity. this process of moving from a role, a job of wife and mother, and private status of victim, to a single, competent person is painful and not always as fast as you might want to be. It involves getting to know yourself in a new way. Now you can become your own boss and your own person. Being on your own is a wonderful thing as well as a scary one. It may be the first time you have had the freedom to experience this responsibility. It sometimes takes many trials to discover when you are sad and what you want in life. this is normal. It is OK to learn from your mistakes and learn from what you do well.

DISORIENTATION

Changed memory can create a feeling of disorientation, disbelief in yourself, and betrayal from your partner. You are not crazy if you see your past, yourself and your partner differently. You may remember only the good times with your partner or only the bad times. It’s normal to look at yourself, your partner, and the world in a new way. Your situation is different now and so you will ahve a different perspective.

LONELINESS

Your friends may change over time. Your situation may now be different than theirs.Your interests and concerns may become different They may feel threatened by your new position. the shakier their marriages are, the quicker they will leave you. They may take sides with your partner. It may hurt you a great deal if your former in-laws reject you. Family blood is often thicker than you want to believe. It may take awhile to trust, or to have energy for anyone else. this is normal and self protective. You may want to isolate yourself, but friendships are very important. Friends are very important at this time.Don’t sit around waiting to be asked out – reach out- even though it may seem less painful to isolate yourself, in the long run, it is not.

NEW RELATIONSHIPS

New relationships may trigger memories of your old relationship. It takes hard work, a great deal of commitment and communication to be in a relationship. A second relationship has different problems from the first. Be sure you feel strong enough to live independently before you make the choice dependently again. This way, when you have a choice you will not be as likely to amke the same mistakes. You will be better able to stand up for your rights.

It is important to remember that life is up and down. You will have good days, when you are feeling strong and capable, and bad days, when you are feeling depressed and vulnerable. Know that feeling bad will not last forever and there are things you can do to help yourself through the down times.

Many women find that the first anniversary of leaving is particularly painful. It is important for you to be aware of that and plan for it. You may arrange to spend that time with close friends. You may also get in touch with the staff of the shelter in your community to get reinforcement and support.

Author Unknown

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