Losing Control

July 11, 2007

I feel like screaming inside, today was a very difficult day. Last night I found myself at Interval House (women’s shelter) at 10:00 concerned about my safety. My ex-husband had changed the locks, and provided me with a key. He also left a note stating that he would move in if I do not pay the bills. I have been paying all the bills, except for the mortgage and house insurance which he will receive at the end of this week. I also found out that he took the modem, so my phone and internet do not work. Before yesterday, I felt that I was exerting some control over the situation and my life and was trying so hard to move on, and now I feel that there is another road block and he has control over the situation. I no longer feel safe in that house.

I am also finding it difficult living with parents because I feel like I am losing my independence. I have been on my own for 7 years, so I am finding the transition difficult. Sometimes I do not know what to do. I decided to remove my cats from the house today because I did not think that they were safe. The house is very empty, all that is left is the furniture and my clothes. It is so hard watching your world strip away before your eyes, and there is nothing that you can do. I am not saying that I want to go back to that life, but I would like to gain some control over my life.

I am also frustrated with my lawyer. I spoke to him a month ago to send out the letter of negotiation,and he still has not done that. I also have a lot of questions that have not been answered. Again, I feel that my hands are tied, and my life is being dictated by others. I called him numerous times and he still has not responded to me. I feel that this process is extremely slow, and I am ultimately the one affected. I feel that I keep trying and that I am running in circles, and really going nowhere. I no longer want anyone telling me what to do. I want to live by my own rules. I am praying that life will get better.I also had to see my family doctor, to get a pap smear to determine if I had an STD, since my ex-husband was unfaithful. That was very difficult. How dare my ex-husband put me in that position? If I have an STD I will kill him. I am still waiting for life to get better. I am still so angry and hurt that I am starting to wonder if I will ever be normal again. My stomach constantly hurts and I am having difficulty eating. I keep reminding myself that this is a small blurb in my life, if I live to be 80. I have to decide where I am going to live next week. I own 2 houses, yet I have no where to go. If I stay in the house, I do not feel safe and feel that he still has control over my life. I always felt like evil lived in that house. I thought about staying at my parents and the Travel Lodge one day during the week. My parents had a wonderful idea that I am hoping will materialize. They had suggested to buy a condo near the Lake and for me to rent it from them. I would be so much happier than I am now. I do not even care what it even looks like, at this point I just want my freedom and independence. I can fix it up later, when I gain back control over my life. Why does this have to happen to me. It is not like I murdered anyone? I just tried to hard in an abusive marriage that ultimately resulted in my downfall. I keep praying….

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